Im not starting a blog!

Phyllis & Bertie taking off

2011-12-08T11:27:00.004Z

Life's been pretty crazy lately!

Phyllis & Bertie became real after months of joking aaaand

Went off to Arkansas on a song writing competition haha remain upppdaateed!

http://www.facebook.com/phyllisandbertiemusic

52-Week Project by bettinacassar

52- Week Project

2011-11-21T19:48:00.002Z

So I was influenced by photographers and their 52-week projects i.e. a photo a week, and decided I'd do the same with my music this year :D [Vas put the pressure up]

Every week I'll be uploading some sort of recording, be it a piano track, a song demo, a composition assignment in progress, covers, WHATEVER :D Really excited to get it going and will hopefully keep it up! Woop woop let's do thiis!

52-Week Project by bettinacassar

Week 5: A Medley of Sorts [Fix You/ Never say Never/ Rolling in the Deep]
I guess my mood caught up with the rain and grey, cold weather this week.

:) Three amazing songs. On the melancholic side perhaps but hey :)

Sat at my piano in the dark and left the recorder on. Then had some fun with reverb and a few layers on Garageband, but otherwise it's pretty raw.

Part of my 52- Week Project on soundcloud.

http://soundcloud.com/bettinacassar/sets/52weekproject/

Photo thanks To Julian Vas! Check out his photos!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/julianvassallo/6350939364/in/photostream

Week 4: Philippa Cassar is my sister. I call her Phyllis. She calls me Bertie. We have embraced our sisterhood and here's the product :D ENjoy!

Part of my 52- Week Project on soundcloud.
http://soundcloud.com/bettinacassar/sets/52weekproject/

Love to all :)

2011-06-06T20:57:00.002+01:00

It’s 6:00pm on my 24-hour clock, and I’m 18.

This is the age I’m expected to write daring articles, with material to be censored and views that would make my Grandmother’s jaw drop.

This is the age I’m meant to have strong opinions about irrelevant issues and no opinion about ones that matter.

This is the age some deep philosophy should have me confused and questioning, scandalizing any former ideas I once had.

This is the age it is. My passions and ambitions are as huge as any other student’s out there.

Maybe my message is just as outrageous.

What if my writings were not concerned with some new political ideas I’m becoming aware of; not bothering others with the two hundred and one million complaints I have to make; nor toying with the idea of a humorous, mocking article that makes me seem witty and intelligent?

What if the thing I think about and am passionate about is something so atrociously outdated no one would like to believe what they are reading?

What if my message,
my article,
my life’s thoughts,

were focused on
God –
a God I believe in.
A God who is love.
A God I believe is one and true and holy.
What if all I spoke about and stood up for is Jesus?

Would that bring enough feedback to my page?

What if I could just be real and say I am fascinated by a God who forgives, and loves day in day out ?

What if I admitted to over thinking everything; how conscious I am of what others are thinking and the way I look in the eyes of the world? What if I exposed how weak I am – rather than poking fun at some-[weaker]-one else?

Maybe then we’d realize we’re all in the same boat.
We’re all after the same thing.

What if I could smile because so much of the things invading life are meaningless?

What if I could show there is purpose to pain and hope beyond hurt?

What if I could supply care for that cross you voluntarily bare?

What if nobody knows no better because I chose to keep my Jesus-message to myself? No one else has written like this before. And I’m not yet a 50 year old who should be concerned with these religious matters.

Maybe my message is more outrageous than the rest because nobody else fancies the discomfort it would cause.

Where St. Paul went, riots were stirred; where I am, witty people poke fun at those less able to write, and then feel good about themselves - I just roll my eyes. An onlooker – I’ll just go on with my life.

Old Fashioned Splash of Thoughts

2011-05-22T17:27:00.003+01:00

24-4-10

So now it's this time of year.

The tractor's noise is hard to miss;
not easily forgotten.
And it painfully seems to me,
an ignorant person in agriculture,

that it just tramples over the wheat,
crushes every stalk.

The long growing crops, that soaked up the sun
and the glory of standing tall,
together enjoying the beautiful spring days,
are now so very suddenly...

crushed.

Their purity ruined by a dirty machine,
dry, useless, crushed they lay there...
Waiting...

And it's just another step in the process.

I used to think one day I would become a motivational writer...so I'm writing a note to self.

Dear self,

A lot of effort went into these past 2 years. It's not worth giving up now.

You've strived and tried, listened and obeyed, and did the best you could. Don't let a pissy attitude get in the way now.
You have what it takes - the brains and the heart to follow in full faith God's will for your life at this precise moment.

They hurt you and offend you, don''t choke yourself to death. Don't allow their insensitivity to be the death of you. Nothing can dampen the Spirit of God that lives in you - He conquered the grave.

Be holy just as He is hoy,
perfect just as He is perfect,
in our weakness we are strong
because it is no longer us...
no longer Bettina, But Jesus, that is living me.

It would have been nice, if someone asked about me, but that's not what life's about right?

8-10-10

How can we listen
to recorded birds sing
or a stream flow...
But then put in headphones
whilst we walk past
the tree full of birds near the seaside...?

How can we do all that we do
and still feel we never do anything good enough...?
How can we look the way we do
and never feel beautiful enough?

How can we use laptops and phones
to talk to people
whilst being surrounded
by others we choose to ignore?

Some things in life we'll never understand.

19-12-10

I free my days
but i can't free my mind.

Sure I come before you
day after day,
but after that
my mind is elsewhere -
simply forgetting.

But how does that make any sense?
If i know just a tiny bit about who i'm serving and how fragile life is.

Like a fizzy bottle
shaken so many times
But never opened,
just flattened...
Until,
now,
nothing seems to fuzz me up anymore.

You can fail
and still be loved,

You can hate
and still be wanted,

You can stay silent,
and still be spoken to,

Because that's what love is.

19-1-11

I guess after a week
of just sitting across each other,
whilst we both cried in each other's presence,
without muttering a word,
to ruin the comforting silence,
the ice was shattered.

This week I guess I'm still sobbing,
but in Your embrace.

Perhaps still... words are too much,
But I'm in Your arms.
You're keeping me up.
Thank you for crying with me.

3-4-11

"The merits of the messenger may distract attention away from the message;
the bearer of the good tidings may stand too much in their way.

By contrast, the simplicity, the vulnerability of a messenger,
may highlight how immeasurably beyond him the mystery of the message he is called to proclaim is.

Jesus is more than a flawless model.
Flawless models are frustrating when we are unable to live up to them.
Jesus is more than a model.
He really saves. "

Latest Music

2011-04-30T11:00:00.002+01:00

Experiments of April and May by bettinacassar

Piano Tracks by bettinacassar

Songs by bettinacassar

You

2010-12-24T10:59:00.003Z

are probably not too different to me, but neither of us know it yet. Shh.

I have a sudden urge to write!
And not just to empty my head of thoughts but to see the way my handwriting changes as my sudden excitement bursts into a rush of words and squiggles.

To think of others, to write to others...
but not to be with them. I guess it's a strange world.
To seek to please people - may that not be my goal.

If we're coca-cola people
living in a diet-water world...
If everyone's roughly my age,
eating fast food, driving slow cars
Into our old books,
out looking for escapes,
somehow to stand out but fit in.

Not knowing what we're looking for,
but we'll know it when we hear it; when we see it...
probably preferring tea to coffee
[who am I kidding I can't live without both.]

You like this song coz you can hum it in the shower.

There's no 10 steps to anything.
Nothing to show me; to teach me.
Somehow it's up to me to focus my focus on what I want to focus.

My prayer is that I'll stop running,
to stop telling you I'm too busy,
I'm too good to need you!

My heart wants to never grow up.
To remain faithful and hopeful.
You'll always take me back; love me again.

Weather Report

2010-12-10T12:40:00.004Z

A quick weather report from a girl living far far away in the middle of Bidnija:

This morning my piano and furniture were found all covered in soil.

Later as I attempted to work,my papers kept flying to the floor but all my doors and windows were closed.. and no there was no fan on.

And finally, a hanging pillow case successfully broke two pegs but thankfully was caught right in the act and did not get away.

Tune in later for more weather reports on a windy day in Bidnija!

Dustpile!

2010-11-07T18:57:00.002Z

My latest song is now available on YouTube.

Enjoy! xD

This song took 2nd place in KSU's Singer/Songwriter Competition!

My inspiration for this song was actually from Cinderella [hence the video]!
But we live in no fairy tale world and how well do we know it! Basically the same way the cat jumps in her pile of dust and makes a massive mess, in life we sometimes put so much effort into things and then BAM! It's like a cat just comes and jumps in and out of it and things go wrong and nothing remains out of all that work...as though some how there's evil or other things or people that get in the way and make a mess of it!

And in the world there are "cats" jumping in and out of people;s dust piles... and for some it's worse than others. Some are being persecuted and treated badly and unjustly...and if the world is one, almost like a body, then shouldn't we be the mouth that is screaming for the toes that are being stepped on elsewhere? If other parts of our body are hurting our mouth will scream...

Are we being that mouth... screaming or those in need?

DUST PILE

Sleeping but not quite a beauty
Spinning just not on a spindle
Wishing though it looks like a starless night

It's past twelve and still no
Charming, pumpkin slipper.

The cat keeps jumping in and out of my dust pile,
And it's making a mess.

Running but not quite road runner
Sweeping just not yet swept away
Fighting though it feels like a prince-less fight

It's past twelve and still no
Charming, pumpkin slipper.

The cat keeps jumping in and out of my dust pile,
And it's making a mess.

The mouth will scream when the toe is stepped on.

Lyrics and music by Bettina Cassar 2010 ©

STARRING - GEORGE THE CAT

SONG DOWNLOADS!

2010-11-01T13:10:00.002Z

Hey guys!! Trying out something new :) If you follow the links you'll be able to easily download these two songs!! [ aaand to hear them any time u like as many times as u like wooo! xD]
ENjoy!!

Middle Child Syndrome (demo):

http://rapidshare.com/#!download|820|428294342|Middle_Child_Syndrome.wav|11452

Time Is Running:

http://rapidshare.com/files/428208278/Time_is_Running.mp3

Time is Running =)

2010-10-13T21:55:00.003+01:00

Vote for the song here!

http://www.ifightpoverty.eu/bettina

Vote for the song here!!

I Fight Poverty

2010-10-03T22:40:00.003+01:00

After hours of work and recording I finally have a much better sound recording of the song! But now that i entered the video for the competition I cant change it...but at least you get to enjoy a better quality version of it!! However make sure you vote for the song at

http://www.ifightpoverty.eu/bettina

Thanks a million :)

Go To FileFactory.com

He walked in,
The passage cleared
The people stared.
They wished him well
Then waved goodbye...
He's just gone.

I was never meant to be
Born in a world that's about me,
Skies were never meant to stay grey
Once the rain has come and gone,
Kids were never meant to suck their thumbs
For lack of food and falling crumbs.

He walked in,
The passage filled,
The people filed.
They shook his hand,
Didn't let him stand...
He's just gone.

I was never meant to be
Born in a world that's about me,
Skies were never meant to stay grey
Once the rain has come and gone,
Kids were never meant to suck their thumbs
For lack of food and falling crumbs.

Time is running
And we wont catch up.
Coz while we're loving our lives,
There are people who are
Screaming and pleading
They're needing,
Someone to speak up,
To speak up, coz they cannot speak for themselves,
They cannot speak for themselves.

I'm not sure whether you thought of it this way...
I'd hate it though, if it were how it's going to stay.

Lyrics and Music by Bettina Cassar 2010 ©

Donut anyone?

2010-09-09T14:12:00.003+01:00

Honestly, I can't believe how fast time flew this summer. *twas a great one xD*

And now the University of Malta awaits me, as I begin a Bachelor of Arts in Communication studies and music studies! :D Although at first to many people (including myself) it seemed a bit like I wasted 2 years of my life studying Science A levels for a course in which they are of no use...I'm still pretty hapy with my last 2 years and I don't reallly regret my choice of subject. xD Now I can say I'm pretty knowledgable in a number of fields right? :P

And for all those thinking I'm a tad bit silly for choosing my course..well I'm still pretty confident.
I know I'l be happy doing it, and I'll meet a lot of people I can serve...so that makes it something worth doing right? If I can love whilst doing what I love then my purpose is fulfilled and my life is a success. The bigger picture...I hope i wont forget it in the coming year.

Some lyrics I've been playing around with...

Sleeping but not quite a beauty
Spinning just not on a spindle
Wishing though it looks like a starless night...

It's past 12 and still no
charming pumpkin slippers.

The cat keeps jumping in and out of my dustpile,
the car keeps jumping in and out of my dustpile,
and it's making a mess.

Running but not quite road runner
Sweeping just not yet swept away
Fighting though it looks like a prince-less fight

It's past 12 and still no
charming pumpking slippers.

The cat keeps jumping in and out of my dustpile,
the car keeps jumping in and out of my dustpile,
and it's making a mess.

The mouth will scream when the toe is stepped on.

Last few thoughts...*before I approach 4 hours of piano and a few hours of unpacking my new bedroom before a paty tonight*...Don't you think birthdays are a funny time of year, almost like a New year's Eve just not in January...where an analysis is made and resolutions are reformed...where the bad is left behind in hope of a better, more challenging year...and as though it's possible for me to forget, people haven't stopped reminding me that I've turned old...become an adult!

Yup yup...bring it on.

8-9-10 was an unforgettable day, but now my eyes are set on what is to come and wooo I've got the high hopes of an 18 year old girl who's ready to change the world!

Yup yup... bring that on as well.

Venturing the last bit of Vienna

2010-07-29T14:46:00.002+01:00

Today has been quite amusing. xD
It started it off with my normal breakfast of bread and jam, and then proceeded to catching the U-Bahn to StephansDom where i pray a bit in the mornings. xD Then I thought I'd do something new so I went to Mariahilferstraße to do some shopping...Yet again no small sizes exist and I got highly frustrated by about noon.
I attempted eating soemthing at starbucks but i felt very foolish haha coz it was rly bad the food and at this time it was hot and i didnt feel like a coffee...
So then i decided itäs museums time because i am sick of shops...so i went to Museums Quartier...imma the coolest place alive..i felt normal again amidst a million strange people! The art museum was simply amaaziiing...immaa like Vas, Nic and Jamie and Zoe etc wud have gone maaad! Such random thigns haha il share the photos everntually...
then the next museums were a bit too weird and i aws a bit freakd out...(coz der r xeba musems around one square tipo)...soo after the freak out i was about to leave to some pretty garden for me time...nd it started pouring like raining crazillyyy....

so i came to the school/ uni...nd i booked a room at 4..which is in a bout 10 minutes now...

But the school library is amayyying....xebaaa music and theatre books...then theres the online/reading room...the audio room...a room full of Cds and cd players and headphones so u can stay hearing music...and den a magazine section with xebaaa music mags....totally cool..

pero facebooks blocked..fail haha...
so i will be off to my practise room..
tonight i watch a concert and have a meal with the piano friends and 2moro i make my way back home!

toodles
Luv from Vienna
xxxx

Venturing Vienna Part 2

2010-07-28T20:00:00.003+01:00

27-7-10

Yesterday after a pizza at Bizze's for lunch I went to a BBQ dinner at the Bredls...*mmm spare ribs again haha* twas a random night which ended in booking Agnes * the mummy* and lydia *the daughet* a flight to Malta for next Saruday just like that!

Today went to watch a film (Yes Brooks a film in vienna!!*) haha Knight and day...haha it perfectly suited my mood...nice and cheesy, unrealistic and romanitc...enjoyed it. Had my last lesson yesterday morning after an hour long nose bleed in the bathroom.
I prayed hard for someone to come to the bathroom and thankfully a nice lady showed up, for ice for me and everything...nice poeple, nice stuff.

tomorrow class meeting at 11.30 am ...We'll see how the day turns out last bit of shopping xD

quotes ive been thinking about and readin...

"I am not who i think i am.
i am not who you think i am.
i am who I think you think i am."

RObert Schuller

" Treat a man as he appears to be and you make him worse. But treat a man as if he were what he potentially could be and you make him waht he should be." Goethe

Hope is an alove leaf - evidence of dry land after a flood.

28-7-10

haha so today after the class meeting i walked around a little but failed to buy an 18th dress...or ne mroe presents..sadnes
xD
perooo
spent an hour on the phone with the sister and spoke to zoe and mina today so yaay xD
haha deeen went to VOlksgarten...simply budafuuul!!! xeba roosesss!!
and stayed saoking up the sun writing letters, sad excuses for poems and listening to talks...
haha here's a bit of wat i wrote

Far too many people
are too far away from home
to be this far.

Nothing near enough
is nearly enough
to be this near.

Ways are twisted
way too many times
to be way better.

Must one be or not?

common things are things
too common to be more than overlooked,
so why do some things still work but others remain common?

You know, i Think im way too at peace for my heart to wonder
and my mind to think.

A smell of roses, strong enough for even me to smell
with my nose-full of pre-flight nasal spray.

The pinks, the yewllos, the reds,
the whites and even the oranges.
i wish i could blend in...
but i dont think my blue toenails
and multi coloured sunglasses are being of any help.

I cant say ive missed out
thought missing people
is something i long to miss.

My hearts just taking in tunes, meoldies,
words and expereicnes and
cannot get round to mixing them
to form a new
product.
I need to write a song xD

Can you click on the link coz it wont let me embed xD
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BIo4Nl4enQw

Haha seee epic fail but hey! then watched some street musicians and came home for an early night and bonding wtih achie!

2 more days left aaah sadness/ excitemetn!
luv to all
blessingss from Vienna
xxxxxx

Venturing Vienna Part 1

2010-07-25T20:02:00.003+01:00

18-7-10

So my journey begins here...sitting wating to board the plane! Impatient people are queing up and perhaps the more layed back ones like myself sit back and wait more realxedly. I wonder if journalling in the middle of busy seats and spaces will become less akwars and uncomfortable in the days to come.

Sitting in a plane...the pilot just announced we have a half an hour wait before leaving so I couldn't resist writing.
I'm amidst way too many blonde blue-eyed people...My eyes feel so normal xD and for the first time ever my blonde-turned-brown hair feels abnormal and stands out quite nicely. Every other person is a looker guy.

@ZOE You'd be having a blast...and that family we thought I was sitting behind turned out to be 7 guys, about twenty, all laughing and joking..I must say for someone along on a plance they're fun to watch. xD
"Air Traffic Contorl Restrictions" are restricting us to half an our of sitting.
I'm next to a brother and a sister about 12 and 15... they're already sleeping on eachoterh so I'm happy sitting looking out the window for compant. Old men with socks and sandals contrast massively with E.F. student groups of 13 year old boys...Still i think I'm just about the only Maltese person on this flight.

*....ok so i rant on forever...im fast forwarding...* xD

BTW!!! the Matthias Kentzie lookalike that someone screamed and waved at is deffinitely on this plane! I was like..." No way! It cant be Matts going to Vienna and i didnt know!" but hah ye it wasnt him....

The plane passed over filfla and remembered sunrise with the guys...and passed over Gozo and Gozo channels exchanging people...oooh Youre all coming back to Malta now...but woo the beuaty of the sea and sky xD God you are super cool!

@ ZOE hot austrian guys now sinigng in German!

(So theeen I thought everyone forgot me but at about 10.30 my phone decided to work and i got like all your farewell messages at once and i was like aaaa im actually luved!! xD Theeen i started replying to some..but they wernt delivering and i was like aah the world hates meeee der not getting my msges..xD den achie got one! nd i wa slike hmm..wats different about achies number...haha tadaaaa she was saved wit the prefix of malta! Bimbo moment..so now ppls get my msges yaay hahah)

19-7-10

Sitting in the middle of some famous raod...scattered with cafes and crazy shops. The music school vibe is overwhleming...Now i jsut hope to make some friends...

Achie i bought achie-shoes!!

*at this point i wrote brooks a letter haha*

(then at night i had a massive crying session..dats wen i went online and told everyone i was homesick...yup the first day was the hardest)

20-7-10

Sitting outsude helensplatz i believe...some concert or gig about to start..so i thought id stay and wait for it even though i couldnt find my friend. Just me and God time.

*so then i lsitend to a talk on a bench in the sun..twas luyvly...photos up in the near future :P*

25-7-10

These past 5 days were the best ever! I treausre time like this spent with my family...so rare sadly, but so amazingly beautiful. I love them.

So on Wednesday we met at the dome and went for lunch and had the famous Schnitzel...then we walked up and down shopping streets. We went to STadpark in the afternoon for a walk and a drink and we met 2 swiss guys! Totally random but me and phil had a real fun time having a good chat with them! *vera kienu jaharqu pero thats just a detail* xD Then we ate at Sky restaurant overlooking Vienna from a really high up place....Xeba mosquitoooosss!!

On thursday i believe we met at the same place and ate at an iatliane place...ok no that was firday..thursady we went to Agnes and Martin's hometown and we sawm in a lake and had a lovely idylic day finishing with wine and Viennese food at a traditional wine bar.

So then on firday we ate ialian haha and went to the schombrum palace...luvly!
after icecream at the palace and loads of walking we rested at my fmailys hotel and came to eat at Vapiano. Super cool. Then it just became cold xD and starts raining!! waaaa sam had to run me home in the rain!
And the aids conference finished and my romanian friend left on friday!

Yesterday we walked around and ate a light meal at a cafe, then went to musichaus and were lucky to watch a jazz band from pland.
Then we went over to the Bredls for a luvly BBQ, followed by a music session, followed by going for a drink and clubbing with Ben and his friends. I slept in the hotel room of my siblings xD after a crazy japanese receptionist threw a tantrum xD

today we met for mass at the Dom and tehn went to akakiko for lunch japanese style. Then we walked over the danube *which i hope you all know is brown and not blue* taking photos. THen they caught the U Bahn home to get a taxi to the airport...back to Malta.

*haha i spk alot about wer we ate..coz dats wer i hav fun just chatting wit my family and spending time wit dem xD hence its importance*

Wow..that was hard...who cares to stay in this city alone i was thinking....
Tomorrow i start over...here again for anouther 4/5 days knowing nobody in the house and not having too much to do xD

But God got me thru last week and I;l get through this week! If alone...then i guess theres more God wants to teach me and more i need to pray and prepare for and il get through wit God...if not...He'll send me people..firends..to lvoe and get to know xD You know..if God thinks 2moro is worth me living..who am i to think otherwise....

so to get out of my mourning the departure of my family..after a good cry i went to find a museum this afternoon..xD got lost at first...but by the time i found it..der wer only 30 mintues to closing time..nd he was like no its not worth buyin ticket..xD ptx i was like fiiine haha

soooo i went bak to my normal pedestrian street...and went to the adoriation chapel in the cathedral..wer i decided il go everyday from now on..nd i had this luvly quiet time and cry/learning session with God...it was rly cool...so many people pray and take god seriosuly here...more dan i thought.

then i walked round watching streest musicians...today der wer some quite amusing ones i must say...i bought postcards for xeba people haha den i chucked myself at STarbuchs with a CARAMEL MACCHIATO and stayed writing postcards to my luvly maltese friends in sams big grey hoodie! mmm xD

then i forced myself to eat a wrap haha i dnt get hungry wen im alone ta..its just not dat fun at all haha

then on the ride home i spotted wiehed vera jahraaaaq...nd he actually got on my underground...nd den sat right behind me. And you know how u always hav these little day dreams of how he'll get off at the same station, go up the same escalaotr, and walk to ur house and den u realise aaah we hav to talk coz we're actually living in the same house!! so yee i had dat little day dream right haha nd den he actually did get off at my station..nd i was like oh my..den he went up my escalator..nd i was liek haha score..he's totally coming my direction and il get to knw him at bfast..deeeen

he took a right. -.- and i took a left...nd dat was the end of my beautiful boy story haha

sooo yee i just enjoyed venting on you...dnt bother re reading so xebaaa spelling mistakes!
perooo\
i misss you alll and i uber luv u and realize now how much i appreciate my friends...stick close to God guys xD

"And we know that in all things God workds for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?

No, in all these things we are more than conqeurors through him who loved us. For i am convinced that neither death not life, neiether angels nor demons, neither the present not the future not any powers,

nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in CHrist Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8: 35-39

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 4 more days to Malta! xD
*nd i say dat to make me enjoy here more and to the fullest and ...to keep me sane..dat i am back to samll , multi-friended-hot island in a few days
xD*

Uber excited packing!

2010-07-17T21:12:00.005+01:00

Waaaaaa the moment is here..finally packing for Vienna!
just printed tourist walks, my boarding pass, my e-ticket, my recommendation for the university, my house receipt thing and yuup all that jazzz.

Stage one of packing was piling up the clean dresses i found in my drawer...and the jewellry and makeup i needed.

i have now moved onto phase two...were the clothes form the wash that need to be ironed have joined..as well as toiletriees and jackets and hats xD....

Long dresses now coming out for concerts and the like :P....deen il move on to getting bags xD

tomorrow's most-likely outfit...

Look how swt this umbrella i found to take up! xD

ok im bad at this part..i want all my bags..i dont have many..

Shoes...and jumpers...

Haha You see I'm writing this all out coz packing can get lonely when your siblings and friends aren't around xD...sooo i must keep you informed!

Pajamas? do people take those abroad?

I feel really un-selfish...i;'ve given the fan completely to my computer tower becasue without it, it wont work..so I'm working in the heat while it gets fanned :P hah oh well
ok the next step has to be the most important..the books, journals, pens and music that I'm taking up for the journeying and alone time! xD

aah...I'm slowly crumpling all the lists I had of things to take, and things to do before i'm gone. :) I'l leave here a person list-free.

Now this..is something I'l figure out in the morning..I'm gonna go get cushions and sleep in Phil's (who btw is like a supeeerrrrr staar) room tonight!

Well...I guess that's why I don't have much fear about this trip...because it was something so planned by God I could never imagine anything but good coming from it. Not easy... but good. I guess I know deep down it will be hard but with God I can endure it.

My pen and paper to become my closest companions followed by the piano, my blog and facebook. But hey! I have a phone in my bedroom. Success!

Jamie just told me this tonight..and I think I'll cling to it if my head's tempted to wonder off negatively...

"How can you say you're lonely just because you're alone?"

SO here's to the weeks ahead!! A time of self discovery and digging deeper..and hopefully renewing my Me-And-God relationship and sharing all I've got with the world!
Blessings

Pre-Vienna Blog Transformation :)

2010-07-13T01:08:00.003+01:00

So for the next two to three weeks this space turns into my very own travel blog!

Next Sunday I fly to Vienna for 2 weeks of experiencing life abroad alone as a music student attending piano master classes. O Oh the excitement!

I leave Sunday afternoon, and I'm gna be staying at a nun's home about 800m away from the University...xD more photos and details about all this by next week i can assure you :P ( since I'l probably be photoing and uploading every second of my days coz i'd want you all to see what it's like! Nd i'l have nothing better to do or no-one better to do it with)

View Larger Map

On Friday I'll start packing...but until then I'l be celebrating birthdays and making the most out of my pre-Vienna week by photoing practically everything I do and everyone i meet!
(ye yee it's just two weeks i'l stop fussing in a second :p )

Sooo I'l be back soon with pre-Vienna countdown photos and blogs! Stay tuned xD

2010-06-20T22:22:00.004+01:00

This is what summer days are about :)

Still enjoying my new camera and the sun...

Gna leave you with this... I'm taking part in this dance competition thing (haha yes I'm back to dancing)..and it had to be a one or two minute dance, so I recorded my own piece of piano and Xixa taught me a dance and tadaa! Enjoy the track :)

Go To FileFactory.com

2010-06-16T22:08:00.010+01:00

Because when a new camera is around, everything is worthy of a photo.... :)

Click on the butterflyy! xD

2010-06-14T23:10:00.002+01:00

I have a job of a perfectionist; a patient one at that.
I wonder if I’ll make it.

Sweat is too close for comfort.

My latest ‘job’ is recording piano music for ballerinas to dance to. Sure, I thought that would be simple – play through the piece once or twice, transfer it onto the computer, chuck in a CD, copy the track Et Voila`! Not quite.

I have played this childish tune over about 20 times, each time with a tiny mistake that I cannot bear to ignore. My finished product had to be something I could listen to and dance to without cringing, no matter who was listening.
In the mean time I’m researching piano ergonomics. You wouldn’t believe the slide shows and presentations I’ve come across. Thing is, I had back pain this morning whilst practising and I panicked! I wasn’t able to use the pedal and play normally. And when I have so much to practise in such a short time but am in too much pain to continue I get highly frustrated.

Some causes of stress
• Practising for too long without a break - particularly fast playing which doesn’t give the muscles time to recover.
Tick.
• Excessive practising brought on by panic when trying to learn new music against the clock, or when worried about auditions or exams.
Tick.
• Returning to a full practice regimen after a holiday or other break from the instrument. A full practice load should be built up to gradually after a break.
Tick.
• Poor posture and unsuitable seating - often resulting in back, neck or shoulder pain.
Tick.

Ok I won’t go on, I think you get my point. xD Tomorrow I will make sure I am sitting ergonomically.

2010-05-29T15:41:00.002+01:00

So I’ve been reading about the Middle Child Syndrome; these psychology things make me think, and I think I can safely say, thinking is one of my hobbies.

Some parts are not true in my case, and others are very evident.
But I can honestly remember a time in my life where it was a big deal that I was the middle child. I wasn’t the eldest, like my Dad and brother. I wasn’t the youngest, like my Mum and sister. I was in between…experimenting and searching for a way to express myself and find my ‘space’ in life.

One thing all the articles said was how middle kids end up being creative, taking a huge interest either in literature, art, music, writing, journalism or something of the sort. Now that, I thought was cool…and had an element of truth to it, seeing as for me music and writing are my “Get-my-message-across” methods.

But even all this, can be totally weightless on a balance. Even all the fighting for attention and to be noticed is useless when looking at life with a God-given perspective. Everything we once found ourselves living for becomes totally worthless…it rises on a balance.

All my worries of exams and what exactly I’m going to do in the upcoming year can really get me worrying. And sometimes, admittedly out of habit, I turn to God with my worries, praying He’d take care of me, yet I still find myself wondering if He cares. If any of my prayers are making a difference. If everything just remains static or if He cares and is actually moving, changing and sorting things out…just slowly. At His time. Not mine.

I’m learning to deny myself. Things do not have to go my way. Why should my happiness be dependent on getting what I want?

“If any man would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” Mark 8:34

To hold others’ interests
Above my own.
I will not live for pleasure.
I will not live for power.
I will not surrender responsibility for my life and actions.

I’m chasing the birds...Because they know how to live without worries. They are taken care of. They do not sow or reap or store things away, and yet they are fed.

“Are you not much more valuable than they?”

Then it all came down to this. In my most anxious A level times… Who was keeping me grounded? Who was my ‘meaning’; the weight on the balance keeping me down?

Nope. Things change way too slowly.
They might even be static.
One second I’m fully trusting,
The next fully let down.

Still. All-or-nothing. Always. Never.
This is not solitude. It’s more like emptiness.
Like I’m rising on balance…
Nothing weighty and worthy within me.

Nothing keeps me down any longer,
But I still search for stillness.

I’m back here
Satisfied by nothing,
drawing closer to You.
I guess it’s an unfair game
But I’m trying.

I’m running across the dry field,
I’m seeing the man of my dreams
With His arms wide open,
Nothing like all those others I’ve described to you
Night after night.
And the moment was not sprinkled
With imperfections like heat, misunderstandings and humidity.

Maybe we can all relate here,
Something’s described to us so beautiful
but it doesn’t turn out that way…
but this wasn’t like that!

I never really found
The comfort I searched for in humans…
I always dreamt of crying on someone’s shoulder,
In someone’s hug…

So I chased the birds across the field,
The only things between me and Him…
Hoping He’d wait long enough for me to arrive to Him…

Now I can’t tell if it’s me or Him that’s crying.
Which one of us is happiest?
To whom does this mean most?

That was the explanation of the song i posted last week.... i'll leave you with...

Don't you somehow feel understood by this? xD

If this Physics exam could pass fast...

2010-05-19T14:45:00.006+01:00

Soo..as promised *drum roll* I'v'e uploaded my first song with singing! xD hehe it's actually one i wrote these past two days with physics boredom..and it's nice and short ( so u can get back to studying riiight after hearing it :P)...it's probably not finished but i thought i'd share a little sneak peak before anyway xD

It's based on the Psalm here and Matthew 6:25-34!

My soul rests in God alone, from whom comes my salvation.

God alone is my rock and salvation, my secure height; I shall never fall.

My soul, be at rest in God alone, from whom comes my hope.

God alone is my rock and my salvation, my secure height; I shall not fall.

My safety and glory are with God, my strong rock and refuge.

Trust God at all times, my people! Pour out your hearts to God our refuge!

Mortals are a mere breath, the powerful but an illusion; On a balance they rise; together they are lighter than air.

Do not trust in extortion; in plunder put no empty hope. Though wealth increase, do not set your heart upon it.

One thing God has said; two things I have heard: Power belongs to God;

so too, Lord, does kindness, And you render to each of us according to our deeds.

Psalm 62.

Also,let's keep the girl who had a motorbike accident in our prayers!

**aaand alsoo..Last thing of real :P...shout out at Mel coz i used a shoe lace to tie the recorder to my neck haha and shout out at Paul...I used a metronome!** xD

Go To FileFactory.com

2010-04-30T23:55:00.001+01:00

If rain had a song...

2010-04-23T22:44:00.004+01:00

This is what the rain sounded like this morning... :)

Go To FileFactory.com

Also...from now on my recordings are gonna be on the Recordings page (so i wont have to blog everyday :P)...and will be updated regularly so do check them out! :)

If I kept it simple

2010-04-22T22:26:00.002+01:00

Sometimes it's terribly romantic
Other times extremely childlike
Yet it's friendship still,
Whilst having a king-slave difference.

Go To FileFactory.com

"...love one another intensely from a pure heart." 1Peter1:22

If you could find me...

2010-04-21T17:31:00.004+01:00

Go To FileFactory.com

I've been having this battle with myself...
to stop apologizing
for everything I do...

To stop justifying my every move.
I'm just being who I am;
expressing what I go through.
Feel free to take it in
or move away...

I tell myself, "it's OK... they don't have to like it"...
that't true I suppose but 'it' is part of 'me'
so don't be quick
to shoot it down.

You gave me what I have
You make me who I am
and I want to be Yours
and stay Yours
because that's where i find worth.

Perhaps I'll never be the oasis one finds
in the middle of their journey in the desert...
Perhaps I'm more like the well one uses for water...
a little more effort...a longer search.

The beauty of being...
without excusing.
Thinking...without being examined.
Enjoying simplicity...without being criticized;
I crave these humble beauties.

Because we haven't exercised it
does it mean it is untrue?
Because not yet have we seen
or tried, does it not exist?

I try not to become weary
To persist with every last drop.
As I'm squeezed and molded
I fight to stay me...
I come here again and again
On behalf of them; on behalf of me.
You're my Hope and though I don't understand
I'll seek You; Your love.
Your truth.

(If) It works!

2010-04-20T15:03:00.001+01:00

Go To FileFactory.com

If it works...

2010-04-20T14:55:00.003+01:00

Ok so this is officially my first experiment at putting up some recorded stuff I have..and I'm not sure if it will work or not...haha in fact it's quite a random recording of a while ago...xD

Go To FileFactory.com

if it works on the other hand...there's alot more where that came from and I shall frequently upload stuff for you to listen to at your own leisure :P

If I revealed SUPER JOTTER PAD

2010-04-19T19:53:00.005+01:00

So...whilst i study...the weirdest of things pass through my mind...and the normal-est also...xD

--> I realised I find it attractive when someone who's intelligent, with an eye for detail, has a heart for the small and needy.

--> I really am not proud of the way my nerves control my mind and mood sometimes; that i over-busy myself and like it.

--> "I'm not a nice person" I tell myself way too often...I think it's a form of excuse for not living up to an existing expectation i find myself living by.

-->I enjoy feeling ugly sometimes...it makes me enjoy feeling good more.

--> I spend more time going through notes, flicking through papers and cleaning through piles these days than I actually do studying and learning!

--> Writing in pencil on recycled paper all day can get you down...

--> Jesus knows me. :)

--> Planting seeds and waiting for them to grow.

--> I think i'm going dry and yellow like the wheat outside my window. Does it mean that I'm soon to be collected and finally discover my purpose?
So why am I not enjoying my time basking, growing in the sun?

--> I wear summer dresses on top of leggings. Under Jerseys. And I'm Happy :)

-->Finally, if the devil knew Psalm 91...so shall I:

Psalm 91

1 Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
2 This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
he is my God, and I trust him.
3 For he will rescue you from every trap
and protect you from deadly disease.
4 He will cover you with his feathers.
He will shelter you with his wings.
His faithful promises are your armor and protection.
5 Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night,
nor the arrow that flies in the day.
6 Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness,
nor the disaster that strikes at midday.
7 Though a thousand fall at your side,
though ten thousand are dying around you,
these evils will not touch you.
8 Just open your eyes,
and see how the wicked are punished.

9 If you make the Lord your refuge,
if you make the Most High your shelter,
10 no evil will conquer you;
no plague will come near your home.
11 For he will order his angels
to protect you wherever you go.
12 They will hold you up with their hands
so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone.
13 You will trample upon lions and cobras;
you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet!

14 The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me.
I will protect those who trust in my name.
15 When they call on me, I will answer;
I will be with them in trouble.
I will rescue and honor them.
16 I will reward them with a long life
and give them my salvation.”

If I could just write one more...

2010-04-09T22:07:00.004+01:00

At home on a Friday night but my attitude is surprisingly positive...I'm enjoying the sound of wind and the black clouds outside my window, whilst sitting in a dimly lit room with books, quiet music and a different mug of tea every half hour.

I've been really excited lately...and blogging seems more and more appetizing everyday...xD Must be the studying.

I have so many Summer resolutions already.
My list of "Films To Watch" is steadily growing each time everyone goes to the cinema and i pass...but hey...eventually i'll watch them.
I am also going to commit to putting up a song a week of mine on my blog or youtube...ekk just to expose my music a bit and give you all something to listen to in summer :)

I'm on Pg.19 out of the 50 i thought I'd finish by this evening...hah Good Stuff.

This actually reminds me...I wrote this in one of my crazy creative-streaks that studying seems to bring along more often...

That's why we have schedules,
we need something to fall behind,
to be constantly ahead...
Yup, that's why deadlines and schedules exist.

And sometimes that's why we have leaders,
so that we can go before them
to show them where we want to go
and to then say "I've followed you."

That's why we have teachers,
to show them what we know and
to struglle our hardest to show we're still right
and we don't need anything from them
because WE....
Already know everything.
Everything they can do - we can do better.

Excuse the irony..but i do find these words quite challenging...and to an extent...true.

And so it's here, the month that may be the most boring of all...
the month which is welcomed in by chocolates, figolli and picnics
and most importantly Easter.

The month our neighbours' fighting grew louder, caving in nearer...
exams will come...
they're slowly creeping up to us..
They'll go...But how can i make this month count?
That beautiful adoration,
the comfort of the darkness and Your presence.

I'll add; do the calculations; estimate the number;
I'll score, miss, judge, rate,
what matters loses its significance,
weighty things not taken into consideration.

And no I am not ashamed to say I have listened to the album of HE IS WE about four times through this evening..:) it's keeping me sane haha..good stuff :)

I came across these websites…claiming to teach you how to be creative…I find this quite amusing.
But honestly I need to get creative! xD It doesn’t just mean drawing, writing, singing or the norm… ideas and lifestyles can be creative…outfits and events…hairstyles and conversations!

"we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5: 3-5

Aaaand if you're still reading... this song has made me cry about 3 times this evening..its worth listening to...

Man I destroyed my poor biro tonight...i bit it like never before xD *apology to Faber-Castelle pen*

If blogger distracts me again..i MIght have to blog again :) buuutt
I'll leave youuu to a luvly evening of aromatic rings and plots of flower-delivering...
Blessings :)

If barefoot...

2010-04-08T23:04:00.002+01:00

So we both went the day without shoes...

But i got tarmac roads and tiled floors.

My experience just felt, let's face it, pretty cool for the time it lasted...it wasn't a lifetime.

My toes enjoyed the freedom of wiggling in the streets, and my soul enjoyed the humility of being barefoot.

But I got to come home to a warm house, a clean bathroom...

to lovely smelling, clean white soap and warm water to wash my feet with,

and a soft warm fuzzy white towel to dry them with...

and i got to put on a pair of cozy socks before i go to bed.

For me...it was an "experience"...not a lifestyle.
I'm going to bed comfortable. But not everyone's alright.

www.onedaywithoutshoes.com

If I could kill mosquitoes :)

2010-03-09T22:54:00.004Z

I wish I knew what I wanted of my life…not that it would matter.

But like all those people out there, pursuing their dreams, I would join them…
Not that it would matter.

I would look at schools, apply at places, dream and work at being the best….not that it matters.

I would give my full undivided attention to one thing and I’d be good at it, and I would do good for people and continue praying through out…. Not that it would matter.

I wish I weren’t staring at this screen wondering how on earth, and when exactly my life would take on a direction… maybe it would matter.

There’s something…maybe it’s a feeling, maybe it’s my imagination…I’m not sure….But something’s telling me to trust and I won’t be disappointed…something’s telling me I have no say in what’s coming next… something’s saying “Hold On…Sooner rather than later you’ll know, then you’ll look back, and laugh!”…or rather be gob-smacked at how petty my dreams were compared to the reality then.
It’s all a matter of when…all a matter of trusting that God you wont be too late!
You won’t make me do something smaller than I wish to!
Trusting that you’re seeing my tears…my lost thoughts wondering getting pulled at by so many…but choosing to surrender everything to You.
The hardest thing alive.
What is it in us? That makes us panic when we’re lost? As though we’re meant to be found? As though we’re meant to belong? As though we’re meant to mean something to someone somewhere?
So see, it’s pretty obvious that if we’re looking for meaning and we’ve realised there’s a lack of meaning in what we’re currently doing then it must be that there actually is a meaning to something. Because if there was no meaning to anything then I wouldn’t even know what meaning is, right? If the world was dark all the time and there was never any light then we wouldn’t know what darkness is because we wouldn’t know anything else.

Father God do you see? I’m desperate here? Do you see I’m crying here? Asking for direction, meaning and a significant role to play in this world that you love. Will I ever see the reason you made me the way you did? Such a jumble of different talents, thoughts and ideas… with such a confused head of thoughts wondering whether to go left, right, give it all up or give it all I’ve got.
Father God do you see? Do you hear? I need you to!
I’m scared. Of being mundane. Of being boring and doing something ordinary…I don’t want to. Why do I imagine you want me to do something I don’t want to do?....when you were the one who placed the “wants” ,”wishes” and “dreams” there in my heart in the first place?
So I have the dreams and I’m working on the skills…there’s just nothing in this world already existing that I can see myself fit into. Hah big deal right? God You’ll create something in due time.

You know those days when it feels like you’ve lost every battle, even some you didn’t even know you were in. Everything’s pulling you down; somehow you just want to frown. Everything hurts but nothing’s meant to. Everything bugs you…you just sleep it off.

xD

You see...
One day I’m going to look back and say “ hah I even did A levels…and they weren’t that bad.”….
One day I’m going to look back and see how I got through this time with friends and a few laughs and tears.
I’ll keep looking for that simple thing to cheer me up, for that country song, for that thrill,
For the bus that would take me home…yet my last call will always be what should have been my first.

I must say…everyone going crazy is quite funny. Think about it…at least we’re doing it together! We’ll all get pimples and dark circles under our eyes from lack of sleep together wahey! xD

(8) Ask him how he made it and he’ll tell you faith and sweat (8)…
I’m loving the fact that all these country songs have deep lyrics honestly.

I'm just gna paste some poetry and leave it there...Gn and so long! xD

Photos are really inspiring.

This is my attempt at being creative…
At writing in search of inspiration
Rather than writing out of inspiration.

This is my attempt at brining back
Memories and rekindling feelings
Of excitement and urgency; sacredness.

This is my attempt at belonging to the one
That matters, leaving my belongings
In a place that does not.

This is my attempt at begging, pleading
And seeking favour on behalf of those
Who don’t know but want to and those who just don’t.

This is my attempt to move your heart,
To move their hearts to move their hands,
To move more hearts.
(read it again…it actually makes sense xD)

This is my attempt to serve and keep falling
In love with the one who sustains
To allow me to bring to them the option of satisfaction.

This is my attempt at being; but being different-
Being obedient, being brave, being fearless…
Because perfect love drives out all fear!

This is my attempt at believing and being
Genuine, realer than sincere,
More full of life than enthusiasm.

This is my attempt at risk,
And giving rise, to rare righteousness
And readiness to be rebellious; reborn.

This is my attempt at creativity…
To bring a new prayer.
My heart is exposed and all my attempts are useless…
As useless as me attempting to kill the mosquito
Flying too close
Clapping it to its end.

So my thoughts may fly off form time to time
But my physique and form,
Essence and intellect,
Reason and attitude,
My pluck and purpose
All want to be for God for keeps
Till the cows come home!

Which means I got thesaurus happy for “I’ll follow with all my body, soul, mind and heart.” xD

_________________________________________________________

I’m the type of girl to have lists for everything
I’m also the girl with accurate timetables
And things I’m strong headed about sticking to.

I won’t let big things have huge effects on me
But the tiniest things can grab my mood
And smash it to the ground
…Huge effects indeed.

______________________________________________

Not because I dress cool,
am cool,
or look cool.

Not because I’ve been big,
been right,
or been fun.

Not because I can do anything better,
more uniquely
or with more style.
not because I wear my clothes inside out
But… just because.

_______________________________________________

I’m here. I’m there.
Somewhere moving.
Somewhere stirring.

I’m this. I’m that.
Something starting.
Something burning.

I’m His. I’m her.
Someone curious.
Someone fighting.

I’m weak. I’m stale.
Somehow trusting.
Somehow waiting.

I’m none. I’m yours.
Somebody calling.
Somebody wanting.

Someday someday
You’re love. I’ve lacked.
You’ve won. I lost.

________________________________________________

This is not fair.
How can they tell creative people not to be?
How can they make them be parrots?
How can they steal every spare second,
How can they take all their time when it never really belonged to them?

Gagga. (Elaine!! xD)

How can they decide that stress should be part of everyone’s diet?
Why should we juggle things that are so heavy? So NOT ourselves?
I’m being tied down.
I’m expected to follow
by people who cannot ever understand what it’s like to be me
inside my head and having the urge and ability
to create but to have the time and frame of mind
taken form you.

I might be fussing. xD
But I find it hard feeling as though I’m the only one…
Whilst everyone else wants what their doing
And have no other option.
So I’ll surrender again for the millionth time.
This is were You want me.

Thank you for rain. Gentleness.
Consistency and turmoils at intervals.
Simple things that show you care about detail
And you have a plan. Masterpiece.
Created for and with a purpose.

If I can smile at a mirror...

2010-03-01T21:48:00.002Z

You know those adverts where students are smiling whilst sitting at their books in a university library? And everyone looks happy with what they’re doing, urging other students to attend their college.
Well, I tried that today…I chucked a little mirror in front of me whilst studying and every now and then looked up at it as enthusiastically as i could...as though I’m doing the best thing I could ever be doing right not…and you know what? It worked. I started smiling at myself… Wishing I could be that happy girl in the mirror…until I realised. I am that she. And I can be happy whilst studying Chemistry on a lovely moonlit night. xD

(8)Because i'm just an alien tumtumtum xD (8)

"I'm a 'glorious mess'...Raw edges. A mountain of imperfections! i thought that Jesus loved me in spite of these things - now i recognize that he loved me because of them. It is my mess that Jesus takes delight in making glorious." - Dorothy Savage

If the Children could Sing...

2010-02-18T21:12:00.000Z

If Somewhere, Something and Someone have my name on it.

2010-02-04T20:02:00.004Z

*Blogger knows how to tick me off...all my layout-efforts have proven to be useless again...as soon as i click publish all the words space out exactly as they please to..*

I feel like a mug of tea…
Just brewing.
I feel like a cracker in a packet…
Waiting; watching the world go by.
I feel like a sprinkle of seasoning…
Used and put back on the shelf.

Like an item cooking, boiling, frying.
I’ve been through all the phases and now on stand by
I stay.
Set aside but not wavering…
Resting but alive; awake; alert.

I’m on the look out; on my guard
For some sort of direction…
A course; a road; a track…
Unbroken; undeviating; uninterrupted.

_________________________________________________

I’m not sure…
Sometimes I feel more alone, wondering and misunderstood
than ever…
everyone seems to care…
until they’re just looking in
like the rest of the world.
Leaving me feeling like I’m the
Only one
Constantly looking out;
Trying to love and reach out.
Like I’m the only one putting effort into things…
Like I’m the one and only UNDERDOG ….all the time.

Brought up in it...People
Will not,
Can not,
Have not
Ever seen what
It’s like, what
I’m like, who
I am.

Not worth explaining coz I’ll be disappointed.
No one can get me,
That’s the feeling…
That I’m alone with You always and forever.

I think I’d be fine…
Knowing I had to get through simply
With You and with none other
Than You.

But they think they understand….
They think they know and love
But I don’t feel loved…
They think they have me all figured out
But I’m just giving them bad ideas,
Twisted ideas…that are not me.

I say something and they take it any way they like
Forming their own picture of me…

but no one really Wants to know the real me…
Nope.
No one does.
It’s painful.
And it’s also painful that only here and now
Can I confess that it is.

So many warped ideas; so many people thinking they know…
That I don’t feel I’ll ever manage to make that much effort to untangle them all now
And make them straight again.

I’ll go to sleep. They’ll go to sleep.
We’ll go to sleep,
Each thinking the other is fine.
But nobody knows
And nobody wants to.

It’s scary but I believe it…
Nobody knows
And nobody wants to.

Everyone’s perfectly fine living their life
WITHOUT me as an extra burden.
They try; they care…
But no one gets far enough…
No one gets to me…

So I blame myself for being too difficult
to understand…and maybe I just am –
A hard nut to crack
A hard shell to break
But Lord You know I try…
You know I long for that someone to manage
maybe just to make it
Possible to succeed at reaching me.

I’m sorry but I’m sick of all the unreturned effort I put into friendships
And I don’t think I have it in me
To go on.

So I’ll praise You for being strong
In my weakness.
For being lifted up day after day
As tears fall.
For remaining worthy and holy
As I break and fold.

For being IN the gentle storms That bring a sense of refreshment and new beauty.
For being in those storms where Helplessness crashes in the thunder,
and loneliness lights up the night in the lightning.
For being in those storms and rains of desperation, despair and anguish.
For being
That ray of hope
That trickling tear down a cheek
That rain drop gently dripping down a surface
With a sense of
Reassurance,
Peace,
And could it be?
Perhaps.
Love.

There’s a peace the world cannot give
And how well I know it.

The first drop…
Perhaps that takes the longest, hardest and most effort to fall…
Just till it shows the other drops what to do…
It’s exposed; falling helplessly…
Until they all are…
Falling chattily
Falling enthusiastically with life and purpose.

And a new dawn
WILL come…
After stings of cold wing
Will come warmth seeping in
Flowing freely.

I’m waiting here to watch the rain…
Lord the skies are your canvas
Where You paint Your love story to me
Day after day, view after view.
Your hand crafts night after night,
Sunrise after sunrise, cloud after star
After moon after raindrop and lightning bolt.
For me
For me…
(Do you hear?)
For Me.

With conviction I’ll put my pencil down tonight…
To a God who’s saying
“It’s all in my hands.
I am Your provider.”
And I’ll sleep with the same peace that only my God can give.
Share this I pray Lord, with humanity –
Your people.

Ok so the monkey pictures quite funny :p but i remembered this song and liked it again nd thought i should post. :)

If I blame myself for failing, am I blaming myself for succeeding?

2010-01-03T18:37:00.005Z

*oo oo first scroll down and press play so u hav some background music whilst u read xD*

I felt loved and was loved. I loved.
I had good times at JC; on roundabouts, in libraries, in lessons.
A few Christmas meals, masses, and celebrations later I’m still here.
With friends around me and a God so much greater than me.
A supporting family that pushed me through my watery-eyed moments
And rolled their eyes at me and laughed in my happiest moments.
I was unsure about certain things; but I had strong convictions about others.
I suppressed feelings, let out lots of others; learnt from people and taught a few.

I ate the weirdest of things; I cooked perhaps not the best of things.
I had very enjoyable meals, boring ones and just plain uncomfortable ones.
I played football, Wii, piano and a couple of guitars.
I’ve worn dress after dresss, at 18th after 18th.
I’ve played song after song at event after event.
I’ve posed for photos in England, Malta, Gozo and Comino.
I’ve slept on floors, sofas, air mattresses and beds –
At farmhouses, summerhouses, campsites and friends’ houses.

I entertained and was entertained.
I worked, helped and served getting so much in return.
I’ve been the most known and the biggest nobody.
I’ve felt cool and lame and tall and short and beautiful and ugly and smart and stupid
in the same night.
I’ve felt let down, picked up, revived, abandoned, refreshed and exhausted.
I’ve met person after person and became part of life after life.

I swam at the weirdest of hours with the craziest of people.
I’ve prayed with the largest of groups and all by myself.
I’ve watched good movies, bad ones, funny ones and avoided a couple here and there.
I’ve been understood, misunderstood and I understood.
I’ve spent time with people, away from people, and simply amidst people.

I’ve gotten sick; I’ve taken care of people and have been taken care of.
I’ve been on fire, lukewarm and just plain cold.
I’ve sung in the shower, in the studio, in front of people and to little crowds.
I’ve done the craziest and the most boring of things
....but I was created to.

And for all this…I am grateful.

If I could love and give back what I have...

2009-12-20T22:54:00.003Z

Nobody. Nothing. Never.
Cuddled under blankets, quilts and the like.
Covers, coats, sheets and wrapping.
Menial. Dull. Humdrum.
Ignominious.
I need You to connect with me again.
To be a blink away.
You still call me Yours but I want to be so much more...
Someone who truly lives and loves like she
truly knows and lives that!

A flash, a flicker,
a wink, a glimpse,
Away from You.
Yet I feel overlooked; a blind eye turned to me.
But I'm not sure whose.

To look up love in a thesaurus
is to find a list of words...
In a Bible a list of actions
by love Himself.
I am cherished.
I am prized.
I am treasured.
I am delighted in; enjoyed.
I am loved.

I've got no title to my name;
no degrees listed,
no prizes won.
no series of achievments,
nothing extraordinary,
nothing to be impressed by,
nothing to call mine.

I like to think I'm simple
I love best as I can.
Live taking the most risks within reach.

I'm ordinary; I am nothing more than me.
Yet I am a child of a King...
The title I can never be worhty of.

Titles....They won't make me;
The more I have the more pressure,
the less I have the more simple and focused I can be...
the more single-minded and in-tune I can be.

To love; To give back what i have.
To use my life for someone else...
What does Malta need?
I seek to love, to be focused on serving...
not to be entertained but to imitate You.

"To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

Who is a God like you...?
You will again have compassion on us;
You will tread our sins underfoot
and hurl all our iniquities into the depth of the sea!"

Micah 6:8, 7:18-19

If there is a song...

2009-11-26T19:54:00.003Z

This is the song...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2x22CkAEeA
That's a better version of it that wont let me embed the video!

If that's why He came...

2009-11-21T23:25:00.002Z

(8)I’m still singing hallelujah; I’m still singing hallelujah to the Lord.(8)

Somehow I’m embracing the feeling of being left alone and forgotten on a Saturday night…and I’m enjoying it. Not just in a melancholic “I’m in alone on a Saturday way”…but in an honest enjoyment. xD Just the feeling of having nobody running after me; no schedule tying me back…just time to read, write, chat to my cousins online whilst the house is quiet.

'It’s as if it weren’t me… a few months ago...a few days ago.
Someone else. Living a better life – with better friends, better moments, better figures and better quality. And now I’m just here at the side watching as it swishes past. Do I know anything other than sitting in the wings of the curtains working on props and backstage worries? Is it a good thing to live to make others shine like stars? (5-11-09)'

I journalled this a couple of days ago…excuse the depth and length but hey just in case you have nothing else to do on a Saturday night!

I don’t get it.. if God gave me my dreams, my thoughts and my talents…then all my dreams should take place…it’s like why would He give me dreams of something He doesn’t want me to do? And I’m not talking about things I simply want or look at and suddenly wish for. I’m talking about those dreams that ring in my ears day after day…those hopes and plans that I must so often surrender.
They must happen one day…He must want for them to happen if He gave me them and gives me them over and over so often.

“We do not want you to become lazy but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised.” Hebrews 6:!2

Little side note: I want to find a theory as to why I’m claustrophobic…I think it may have something to do with childbirth to be quite honest xD

Clinging to the cross is playing in the background…sometimes when you have nothing else to depend on…God-things become so much real-er don’t you think?

Sometimes I feel I’m living in fear…fear of being known.
Is it because I’m scared of new things?
The aim was to become more like You God,
More like I want to become.
I’m not a nice person
I don’t bring love TO people and the good OUT of people.

I simply condemn, fail, accuse and let down.
I’m simply not a loving person.
There’s so much I need to be healed from;
Too much that I lack…
I’m scared to rock the boat.
I don’t like change or disagreement.
Differences, they get to me…
Quarrels for some reason I can’t point out, petrify me.

I keep the peace I’m sacred to make.
I can’t live as a keeper if that’s not the way
My maker wants me.

So let’s make peace firstly with myself…
It bugs me that I break, it bugs me that I’m not super human
It bugs me that it’s hard to depend on people,
It bugs me that in the world’s eyes these precious vulnerable moments are hated,
It bugs me that I want to be in control, that I live for just me, that it’s hard to surrender,
That I feel weak, that fear and helplessness can paralyze me,
that analysis doesn’t always lead to solutions,
and solutions aren’t always what I want!

It bugs me that tears wont flow and
It’s difficult to make peace though I know…
I need that peace of mind that only God can offer me!

Help me forgive myself? Grace me with the abandonment and surrender I long to give you?
Help me trust all I need to? Be bold as much as I wish to?
It hurt…when I felt used.
It hurt… when they didn’t understand
When I expected them too.
It hurt…when they didn’t give me what I needed.

See? Wrong mentalities! I’m doing it all for me!
This life. That’s why I’m doing it. Change me! Save me!

“He said that this was what He was coming to do – to bring freedom, healing, forgiveness, restoration then and now.”

My coping strategies keep failing yet I refuse to go to Jesus first!

“I stand at the door and knock…to come in and share a meal with you.” ( Rev. 3:20)

It’s hard to confess a thought such as this, but sometimes I’m scared of being boring. I have a fear of being unwanted… rejected if I’m not solid. Why do You want to come in? Yet why am I believing the lies that I’m unlovable?

*I’m skipping parts…it’s a way too long entry…xD after a lot more rambling I felt totally freed…*

Freed from worries of the future
Freed from thoughts that say I’ll be alone and unhappy; without a purpose.
Music’s singing out violently. Battles are raging…My freedom! You won it and have given it to me.
…You listen when I speak…you’re trying to show me You care. I shouldn’t expect to be ignored when I approach Love itself! I need more ‘out-of-this-world’ expectations when I come to you!

I may be failing to reach my unattainable standards. But whose standard am I going to live to aspire to? It’s ok to not reach their standards if You say so…Rid me of any false guilt.

Ok…I’m ending of real :)… Latest song-in-the-making….

I’m not sure whether you thought of it this way
I’d hate it though if this is how it’s gonna stay.

I was never meant to be born in a world that’s about me.
Sky was never meant to stay grey once the rain has come and gone.
Kids were never meant to suck thumbs for lack of food and falling crumbs.

He walked in, the passage cleared; the people sneered.
We wished him well and waved goodbye. He’s just gone.

He walked in, the passage filled; the people filed.
We shook his hand; didn’t let him stand. He’s just gone.

I was never meant to be born in a world that’s about me.
Sky was never meant to stay grey once the rain has come and gone.
Kids were never meant to suck thumbs for lack of food and falling crumbs.

Time is running and we wont catch up
While we’re loving our lives there are people
Who are pleading and screaming and needing
Someone to speak up, to speak up!
Coz they cannot speak for themselves…
They cannot speak for themselves.

If we could breathe air again...

2009-11-08T23:55:00.000Z

If everyday was a new day...

2009-11-08T22:57:00.001Z

If I'm patient in the wind...

2009-10-16T22:34:00.003+01:00

I stopped to think about life…all the meaningless things we strive for…all the things that pass so fast; that slip right through our very own fingertips after we’ve held onto them for so long; given so much for them all this time. Everything can disappear in the flick of a finger...What am I holding onto? What am I believing?
Who am I? What do I want from God? What am I carrying with me?

All I am is a tangled web of confusion – thoughts, questions and feelings…
A lost, wondering soul…
Will you come and show me who You are?
My doubts; my uncertainties; Your faith; Your courage; a deeper trust.

I’ll sing a new song to You God,
A song of how great You are even through these foggy days where everything’s uncertain
I’ll sing of how compassionate and loving You are,
And I’ll just trust during the days I don’t feel that.
I believe You have a plan
even if I have to wander around a few more years…
I’ll believe You exist and care for me
even if I have to shed a couple of tears.
I’ll sing a new song; I’ll stick close to You,
till You satisfy my thirst; till You become the one and only answer of my questions.
I’ll sing because You’re looking at me even now in love; choosing to make Yourself known to a humanity like ours.
And thank You…for You can handle all my doubts, fears and songs.

A few weeks ago, when my head was still in this confused state I thought I’d do something on the abnormal side for an autumn/winter night.
I walked upstairs to the roof and stood outside looking at Valletta, with the wind blowing my hair, and making me cling to my jumper as thought it were something precious I didn’t want to lose rather than an old ‘inside-jumper’. The view was a bit hazy. I couldn’t see clearly with the wind, rain, mist and fog.
Perhaps my future’s the same…
Bright and promising but not revealed just yet. Maybe I have to wait for the sun to rise in the morning to see the beauty ahead.
So I simply prayed that as I’m patient in the wind, God would be with me…So I won’t have to budge; I can just gently sway in His arms because I honestly believe my days belong to Him.

“Remember!” I hear the word ringing in my ears...But...There are so many things to remember…apart from names of body parts, plant structures, chemical equations, routines, relationships and floating music notes.

What about all those suffering, alone…out in the cold; or boiling hot – squashed and claustrophobic? Unknown, unheard of, misunderstood. What about them? Those nobody makes a film about, those nobody sings a song to, those nobody writes a book for? Do they belong to You to? And will they ever know it if I sit here another night?

And if we don’t remember what He did for us how can we tell anyone what He can do for them? Wake up! *Mental Note: That’s another thing to remember.*

So tonight as I went through my mental to-do-list, it began to rain – and the rain taught me something. To be very honest I’m not even sure what it taught me. But…it’s raining. Raining drops of heavenly hope…new beginnings… burdens dripping off along with the dirt that weighed me down. Perhaps with the rain God’s pouring out blessings onto me now too. Refreshing. The stress fizzles out when it’s put into the light of eternity. I feel as though I’m standing outside, soaking wet, in a new different sort of love; a new different sort of freedom.

So for all those whose night was ruined due to the rain, my sincerest apologies.

*on a lighter note:
– My room’s taking shape
- Tower of pebbles has been stuck to wardrobe (you have to see it to believe how cool it is)
- The red piano is great
- Hours of playing piano everyday can do funny things to your emotions.
Good, Bad? I Can’t decide.
- God has a funny sense of humour. But He’s enough and He loves me and understands me. =)

- I’ve cried in 3 movies this week as opposed to rarely every crying in a movie.

- Songwriting is almost turning into music writing lately…exciting things ahead xD

- I dreamt of an orchestra of electric guitars…One day I’ll write a real orchestral work into different electric guitar parts and it will sound good like it did in my dream.
- ‘Everlasting’ is being used on TV weekly -> www.youtube.com/knisjamalta

-If you think nobody remembered you you're wrong...I'm writing this for you!xD ...whoever you may be!

- I love Yanica very much despite my absence this evening.*

If my Nanna could read blogs...

2009-09-06T23:41:00.005+01:00

I’m sitting here on the laptop, with a gentle breeze making it cool enough for me to enjoy a mug of tea, trying to think of my earliest memory of my nanna (Grandmother).

I had been meaning to write a letter to her for over a year now. Perhaps I never got down to it because I simply procrastinated but I think a more accurate reason for the time wasted is a fear of not managing to put to words everything I wanted to say and express. But i decided to give it a try anyway!

There’s a photo somewhere of her holding me, when I was a fragile baby just a few days old, at our flat in Msida... and it made me think. It made me think of all the things she did for the whole family that went unnoticed; the things she sacrificed and gave up to keep the peace; the time she invested in baking, cooking, sewing and knitting just to make a person or two feel loved; and the many moments she lived, both lovely and difficult, that went by without being photographed in this same idealistic way.

I realised there are so many things I love about her yet so few times I let her know about them.

I love it when she says stories about the past, in a ‘let-me-share-and-teach-you-what-I’ve-been-through’ way rather than in a‘it-was-such-a-better-time’ way. Honestly, i enjoy hearing about how she used to escape to the shelter with her siblings when they heard the sounds of German bombers. Or how her jaw-dropping voice was discovered when she was singing at home with her sister. And even how she gave up singing in Operas to be with my nannu (who decided he wanted to marry her as soon as he saw her!). These, along with the many other stories she frequently tells, will always be remembered and will somehow always manage to bring a smile to my face.

*Second mug of tea is now joining me xD*

Many times when I come back from Bidnija or Xemxija I think about what was said at our crazy family gatherings that day. There’s so much I learn about everyone by just sitting and observing – and I honestly think it’s one of the best passtimes ever!
There’s so much more I learnt about Nanna apart from how well she can bake and cook (mmm who doesn’t love her cakes, her ‘ross il-forn’, her cookies and her pies?!).
I learnt that Nanna can be the hero when someone needs comfort, the compassionate one when someone to cry with is needed and the encourager who shouts praises and blows trumpets for all to hear when someone’s down! You can be sure that if you’ve achieved or done something that you want everyone to know about, telling Nanna is the wisest thing to do! And that’s why we love her...be honest! We think she’s great and we love it when she laughs, we love it when she sings while she cooks, and we love it when she asks us ‘to be an angel’.

I appreciate the fact that she takes interest in the little things that go on in my life. She knows about the friends I have, the things I’m studying, the shows I’m taking part in, the piano pieces I’m playing and the songs that I’m writing! *fuzzy feeling inside because I feel really loved and lucky* Many Nanna’s are sweet and interested but tend to forget things but my Nanna remembers every little detail and notices even when I buy a new dress or bag and quickly compliments, easily making my day!

Some people think their Nannas are close-minded or not understanding, but something I love about my Nanna is that she’s ready to pour out her love to anyone that comes her way (and by that I mean she’s ready to feed you, sit with you, eat with you, chat with you and perhaps even play a game of scrabble with you– what more could you ask for? =D)
Not only is she very open minded but she’s even up for a bit of harmless vandalism every now and again. Who could resist writing their initials on the bathroom door of the oldest restaurant in Europe on their 80th birthday? (That will forever be the funniest moment we’ll remember!)

Just a few days ago she told me to be careful with the internet; to be careful with what I expose to the whole world on Facebook, blogs and MSN conversations *yes she’s that updated! xD* and I guess I could be going against her wishes by posting this but I just want to show how I appreciate her!

Nanna, if there’s one thing I’d like to tell you with this letter/blog, it’s that you are truly inspirational and a huge part of my life (and I believe all my cousins, aunts and uncles would strongly agree). Thank you for loving us all even when nobody appreciates or sees all the hard work you put into everything! Thank you for being fair with us all! Thank you for continuing to love us even if you do not agree with everything we do!
So be encouraged! You’re impacting a lot of lives! I hope you can go back to this when you’re having a bad day and allow it to cheer you up!

Going back to the photo I mentioned in the beginning, I think this quote seems to sum it all up!

“Grandmas hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our hearts forever.”

*************************************************
Just to add some fun to the blog...here’s what some people think about Nannas and some fun quotes about them!

* They both spoil me and may worry needlessly about the stuff I do but I love them to bits!!

* They're amazing :) make great chocolate cakes and r so much fun to spend time with!

*A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of the television.

*If your baby is "beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time," you're the grandma.
-- Teresa Bloomingdale

*My grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world. And after two or three hours with them, I believe it, too ~ Gene Perret

*What a bargain grandchildren are! I give them my loose change, and they give me a million dollars' worth of pleasure ~ Gene Perret

**************************************************

Now i’m seriously ending this...(of real!)
“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels not demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us form the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39

If August could come back around...

2009-09-01T14:59:00.002+01:00

Sadly I've realised I've let August go by without blogging :(...Perhaps it was due to the fact that so much went on and I had so many thoughts it was hard to stop and share...but I'm promising a blog in the near future xD
For achie...
perhaps for myself too..
:)

If what is down in the well will come up in the bucket...

2009-07-29T22:09:00.005+01:00

I've waited so long for this perfect setting - a quiet dark house, a gentle sea breeze, a pretty view of lights reflecting on the water and the stars in the sky, and soft,relaxed music playing in the background, (an apple in my hands xD) - so now that this moment has arrived i couldn't help but attempt blogging out some of my thoughts!

So i've been on this crazy roller coaster ride this past month thinking about my future and all that...(hmmm you may all be dreading me goin on about my life and dilemmas but who knows...someone out there might relate to something)...It's been a mix between chasing my dreams no matter what and thinking logically; doing God's will and just going for what seems to be my easy way out...Continuing to persevere or giving up what seems pointless...
The other day i was on the bus and the Bidnija feilds inspired me to write this...

"It's not about becoming famous or earning as much as I can...
It's not even about reaching my full "intelligent" potential...
Somehow it has to be all about You and Your will...
About furthering your kingdom and making Your glory increase
whilst forgetting my own.
It's about making an impact,
being in the right place at the right time...
all about changing lives slowly but surely.
Can i do that? Show me how..."

So i haven't reached any conclusions but I'm keeping all my options open and I;m goin to attempt trying my hardest in my A's whether I have to go in for medicine, pharmacy, a songwriting school, a classical music school or a gap year doing some other random thing!

Another of my laments lately sounded like this.... *awaiting some emo comments from Paul and brooks but hey i think i;ll live xD*

I need you to understand that nobody understands...
everything has changed..
things are always changing and there's no such thing
as a perfect past or a future too dull...

On another note...xD lately i;ve been reading and thinking about words...the power they have to break people, build people, heal or cheer, put down or encourage, kill or bring to life...etc. I mean how long do words linger in someone's heart? How far can kind words take someone?
I've been wondering why we would never carelessly fling a lit match out of a car window while passng a forest and yet many times we carelessly chuck fiery words as we pass through life.
Some quotes that got me thinking were these....

How many people stop because so few say "Go"!

A word is dead when it is said, some say. I say it just begins to live that day.

Words- so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become, in the hands of one who knows how to combine them!

Ok so this is getting extremely long but if you have any energy in you left give this a read...now or later is fine with me xD...it's sort of dedicated to my D-group and may be a bit vague to people who don't really know me but hey:

I can so clearly remember thinking about what first made me move away from people and not trust...And when I did recall it my D-group where all there listening, asking questions and showing love.
After I explained my situation with my mother, family and friends with alot of tears and sniffling, I looked up to see many of the girls listening, also in tears or hunched positions on Nikky's big bed. Then she said the phrase that's still ringing in my ears to this day, with watery eyes... "I'm hurting with you. I'm feeling your pain and what you explained."
They've stuck...her words, full of sensitivity and compassion stuck with me...they still mean so much to me. That someone would try and succeed at feeling what I felt. Perhaps it's true...there's no better thing to say than "I'm hurting with you."
World...I know you've been through so much...So much I can't fathom...So much I'm sure I'll never understand, feel or even witness...but I'm hurting with you!
When nobody sees what's going on and there's way too much piled up...i want to be hurting with you...I'm trying to feel your pain and enter your world!

And thinking about it...my God did that too...He came down to earth and went through what we did so that he could say those all important words..."I'm hurting with You."

"World, I'm hurting with you!"

If you need topics to think about....

2009-06-29T16:44:00.002+01:00

This should only take me about two minutes to type..here we go xD...some quotes from around...

- Do not be afraid; keep on speaking, do not be silent. For I am with you and no one is going to attack and harm you because I have many people in this city. (Acts 18: 9-10)

- I want to be a rebel with a holy cause

- The irony of masks is that although we wear them to make other people think well of us, they are drawn to us only when we take them off.

- You can only be loved to the extent that you are known. You can only be completely loved if you are completely known.

- Knowing and loving people is like riding a bicycle. Too much looking down to see how one is doing and whether the machinery is working properly means that one will lose balance and fall off.The thing to do is look where one wants to go and then go! It is better to go hard on a fualty bike than to sit looking at oneself on a perfect one.

- The final stage in any human relationship is the moment when words become an actual hindrance to communication. They get in the way beacuse they cannot express what one wants to express. Only silence can do that. It is not an empty silence but a silence charged with rich meaning like a thundercloud heavy with rain.

If it...

2009-06-14T22:37:00.002+01:00

It’s so easy to get caught up in my own world of happy families, cheery relationships, and good intentions.
Easier still to forget everyone else out there; their wounded worlds, fragile friendships and damaged deeds.
So easy to boil some pasta, toast some bread, write a song, poem or good lyric but it’s easier still to believe black is non-existent in this colourful place.
Yet times like these I forget any good in the world and the blackness seems to reign.
People’s hurts seem to be staining my heart; scarring my trail of thoughts.
I know that I should know this world is black more often than not, and rarely full of only the good and pleasurable but I still can’t understand why things are the other way around – for some and not others.
It’s not fair to be happy. It’s not fair for bad things to happen. So what is fair?

Why do lives start out great but end tragically? Who can understand why some sail through beautiful oceans whilst others struggle to simply stay afloat?... Why some snails are stepped on while others are avoided? Can anyone find fair reasoning to life?
What on earth did I ever do…to deserve my house, my family and my lifestyle?
Perhaps my life’s one performance. A performance of a sad, slow, pensive piece of music. A piece of music that can make some cry and others smile; smiles and tears that can change lives –perhaps ruin others. Who’s going to be clapping for me when I’m done? At the end of my poor performance who will remain sitting faithfully with eyes full of love and a heart full of hope? Won’t they all realise my vulnerability? Won’t my ungrateful, hating attitude be evident enough for all to abandon me?
Will I say “Thank You Very much” or run and hide my face in a scrap of material?

Try picture this… Standing there in a white dress, in the middle of a circle, with rays of light shining and purity singing out. Yet, from every direction the blackness is slowly creeping in. Someone dies – the dress has black paint on its fringes. A sharp word is said – dirt is flung onto it. Someone leaves – a tear appears. Once abandoned – more black paint. Twice abandoned – more dirt. As time goes by, it creeps in… slowly yet surely. The purity slowly ruined; the blackness seemingly taking over. Sitting there weeping doesn’t bother the darkness; the crying doesn’t clean the dirt. It gradually entangles itself into, onto, over and under the pure whiteness…until.. it’s all gone. No more white. Just black. Engulfed. Entangled. And static. A black web – of confusion, thoughts, prayers and misunderstandings.
What if that’s where we’re all heading for? It just happens at different times to different people. Perhaps we’re all heading to a state of total helplessness. The only place of complete surrender – because we have no other choice.
It suddenly gets comfortable. A realization sets in, that loneliness was a lie. Distractions invade – entertainment readily presents itself. It’s too easy to get lost in it. I’d like to think that suddenly, from the dark, dirty place a sudden bright light appears and all of a sudden the reverse takes place…the glorious white takes over the black and all reaches perfection once again.
But… it stays black. Scars are carried; thoughts linger. And this is the hope! Look! That’s all that’s left to do! Eyes soon open to realize what’s being done! The black; the dirt – they’re simply tools. Tools that are carried around day after day. Simply remembering about them may bring pain but using them makes the weight of carrying them around all worth it.

Lord, as my heart breaks for those I cannot help, may you be their comfort. If you can comfort them, then can you bring peace to my heart? Can you show me where and how I can do more? Will you give me a compassionate heart? One that’s sensitive to those around me and to those I cannot see. Let me not become oblivious to the millions of screams I hear everyday. And…Lord if all I can do is pray…may you make me more committed to intercession. To praying for those you love that are being mistreated! Break me. Mould me. Change me………help me

If Behind The Scenes were exposed...

2009-06-03T23:02:00.007+01:00

If you’ve ever taken part in a production such as a Soiree, or a musical, or a play or in my case a ballet show, you’d know about the hustle and bustle taking place behind the scenes. The smells of costumes and musty changing rooms; the sounds of excited chatter and people warming up; the fast pace in which everyone’s getting ready and doing themselves up to go out on the stage and be in the spotlight. After days of rehearsals, and hours of run-throughs all that matters are those few minutes, of performing on stage. They zoom past without allowing too much to sink in. As soon as you’re out on stage, time flies and it’s all over and you find yourself at another cast party or dinner, reminiscing about all the rehearsals you previously complained about.

I think our lives are a big stage (I know…talk about cheesy metaphor right?). So much goes on behind the scenes that it’s hard to say someone fully knows us. Think about it. If the audience would have seen the dress-rehearsal of any show they would be shocked. They’re usually horrendous in comparison to the real show (my, a day can make such a difference!) If they knew how many swear words were flung; how many times the same props were taken in and out; and the amount of tears that went into it they’d be gobsmacked…perhaps disgusted. I believe many of us treat our lives the same way. We long to tell people “If only you could know what’s really going on behind the scenes…behind this performance…this mask…you’d be horrified and never come back.” Even though we might not be hiding, there still is that lack of someone who has been through all the things we have to fully understand what goes on in our “Behind-the-Scenes”.

All the hard work that goes into performances may even go overlooked as it is performed perfectly on the night of the show. How we wish sometimes for people to acknowledge our effort and hard work. We long for encouragement after days of trying to pray more and be more patient for example, but sometimes nobody recognizes just how much time we’re putting into helping others, or how many painful memories we’re trying to get rid of just to forgive. It all goes unappreciated.

Other times we’re just glad we can keep those shameful bloopers to ourselves. But it’s a huge relief to know…That there’s someone who has been to every rehearsal; has seen every mistake; has watched every re-run and imperfect dress-rehearsal; was there when our costumes and masks got ruined…and still chooses to be a part of this long performance, also known as our life. God actually wants to be a part of our lives even after seeing every thing we’ve been through and everything we’ve done. It’s because of this that He can truly understand us to our deepest beings.

I promise if I had more time I’d write forever about this topic because performances and recitals, and God and life are favourite topics of mine…but I guess studies don’t permit and I should go continue. So…Blessings to all! Break a leg! Make history with your lives and show others you appreciate them! Don’t be scared to dig deep and invest time in getting to know someone!

*My inspiration came from this song..i put together a simple video with photos of past performances just for the fun of it!Enjoy!*

If you need a light break...

2009-06-01T11:43:00.001+01:00

If I stand here lifting empty hands...

2009-05-30T16:27:00.006+01:00

"I'm so grateful that the thing i can't escape is You!"
=) Great lyric...!

Why is it whenever i feel like thinking, so many things come up..studies, friends, outings...So many things start coming between me and God, and me and sorting out my own head...I wondered a couple of weeks ago...xD..nd i can't say i've found the answer ( u knw wat?..this time i'm not even goin to apologize for the random unorganised-ness of my blog, i'm just going to enjoy it..=) )

Misunderstood: lack of someone who understands; incorrectly interpretted.
"There is no worse lie than a truth misunderstood by those who hear it."
Understood: to perceive and comprehend the nature and significance/ to know thoroughly by close contact and long experience with..

I go to God every night to find peace of mind in the fact that someone out there understands me...knows me because of "close contact" with me...WoW!
Wow because the person who knows me inside out is the King of the Universe...and Almighty God! I'm blessed =)
This world's not about me or myself being understood..it's about giving glory to Him whether i'm understood or not...i want to make Him understood with my life, actions and words!
He defines me; He gives me worth; He restores me.

"In this world you will have trouble but take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Last point...which i learnt from Facebook.
Everyone changes their status in preparation for a massive night ahead...And so I'm going to join them...
in being ready for a huge night ahead of me...a night where God is going to do things to blow my mind away! This is His night and I know Hiw plans are beyond imagination..(even if we have to learn about the fruit in the long long long run)

My heart's empty and thristing
My soul is tired and expectant

Perhaps this is my time in between
but He's here with me and
Here it is He wants me to be...
I feel like an athlete warming up...
Itching to start my sprint
And reach the goal ahead of me!

I don't have to agree with the world...and I was never meant to. My actions should stand out to be full of love and humility...but how can I ever be all that?
How can i enter the presence of God? How can i ask Him to fill me? I am 100% not worthy..Yet...the same power that conquered the grave is living in me and tonight...
the love that rescued the earth will come to live in me again.....

=) *smiley-sigh*

If ne one has anymore ideas...

2009-05-22T14:24:00.002+01:00

Had to list all my distractions of the morning xD..enjoy

- read all my 16th birthday cards and they made me cry

- looked through all my old photo albums and they made me laugh

- Couldn't get further than one face on a rubix cube!

- tried on all my dresses and liked none

- actually watched lanf's videos! *now dats sad!*

-entertained myself by reading the ingredients of a face cream

- fixed the backboard of my bed

-ate rucola for the first time..*im not sure if it was bleh or not*

hah i wonder what my aftrenoon and night of studying will look like at this rate...

If mina doesn't have copyright.. xD

2009-05-21T20:21:00.003+01:00

i was thinking of doing a mina-style blog...promising to get back to real, me-style bloggin in 2 weeks time..so keep your eyes peeled! xD
woke up
cereal
call form achie
ran up the hill
double bio
happybday bev
busybee
long walk to uni
studied
walked home for lunch
back to uni
studied some more
walked to jers car
drove to jones
waited in car to avoid being too early or too late *lol* xD
2 hrs of jones private lessons
home
couscous
back to my study
attempting to study but being distracted by blogging...
hey presto that was my day!! xD twas a gd one while it lasted =P
blessings to u all..2 weeeks aaaaaaaaaaaa gleee

p.s. i hav finished this day with a less pencil and ruler xD

If i felt like..

2009-05-19T19:56:00.000+01:00

I thought i felt like bloggin... i guess i'm wrong xD

If the world could hear The Crisis...

2009-05-15T18:46:00.005+01:00

I'm not sure why but this piece of music makes me think...

If all days could be so pensive I'd write a book...xD

2009-05-03T22:23:00.004+01:00

So Achie asked me to blog somewhere, sometime today..and I guess i'm easily influenced and couldn't resist blogging after such a pensive day.
However it's not gonna be a typical me blog..you see my thoughts are still too unorganised to add up to a decent blog...but i will just leave you with a few of the things that were on my mind today...and i might elaborate on these topics some other time.

First of all something i wrote a few days ago which you can all interpret for yourselves because i don't think i should explain it just yet:

"It took a stupid incident like that to make me realize my Holy Lord and God still lives and still reigns over this world that seems lost... and over my life that seems aimless.
It took a hurt to draw me back closer; a misunderstanding to make me dive deeper into knowledge, truth and understanding. "

Secondly....today i was searchin for song-writing schools and one of the questions this certain school asked their musicians was.."What is your favourite word?"...nd i thought about it and have decided mine is....*drumroll*

EXUBERANT
Dictionary: ex•u•ber•ant

1. Full of unrestrained enthusiasm or joy.
2. Lavish; extravagant.
3. Extreme in degree, size, or extent.
4. Growing, producing, or produced abundantly; plentiful: “Threads of her exuberant hair showed up at the bottom of the sink” (Anne Tyler). See synonyms at profuse.

Again..this is to be further explained another time xD....coz this leads to my third trail of thought of the day....I want to go to a music school..take a gap year perhaps...go to come song-writing school..or sumting of the sort...do something out of the ordinary u knw?...But after thinking about it...I concluded if God wants me to go to uni then i'll go..and if i'm meant to take a gap year or not go to uni at all...then let that happen! =)

And finally xD
Pain?...why aren’t we grateful for it?...Why don’t we expect to feel it?

Those were Bettina's thoughts of the day...enjoy thinking about them!
This song's actually rly good if you'd care to give it a listen =)...it's God-centered...lately all the songs are "ME/I" centered..and im sick of them..
(hah another thought and i wasn't even aware of it)

Blessings!

If i were at the centre of it...

2009-04-13T23:37:00.003+01:00

Not expecting any of you to read right through this in one go...but wen ur tired of studying come read some more...xD these are a couple of the thoughts i've had in the past month..nd i thought i'd share...

4-3-09

I will pull closer; the winds won’t cause me to drift away…
The stress won’t wear my strength out…for I have no strength
But I can do all things through the strength
Of the God living within me!

“God our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble.
We will not fear, though the earth gives way
And the mountains fall into the heart of the sea…
God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
He lifts his voice; the earth melts.” Ps. 46:1-3, 5-6

Will I work off my thoughts…?
Or busy my day? So that not one minute is left for Your input?
Will distractions forever bombard me like a hailstorm?

Little things still pinch my heart. Grown up but broken down.
I’m not allowed to melt….
The hard shell exterior is for some reason
Still wanted by the dying, deteriorating world.

Your love is more beautiful than ever; It can satisfy.

You remain a mighty storm in my frailest days…
Even though emotions can be brittle, breakable flowers,
And feelings are presented in bright colours,
Hiding truths and lessons in dull shadows.

I want to know You. I want to make my heart right;
To get my self-worth firmly grounded into a reservoir of Your acceptance.
Form my character; don’t left it be put in the world’s cookie-cutter;
I want to boldly stand out! I don’t want to be formed by a worldly form.

I don’t want to stand out as the one who has it all but as the one
Who received it all from the One who gives it all!
As I crumble, I cry, I need your love if I’m expected to give any!
I need your grace; your boldness; your honesty and Your willingness to sacrifice!

I’m going to be still, to stop and know that You are God…
In an empty house; a maddening life and a busy schedule…
This silence reminds me You’re near…
This peace assures me Your strength will never leave me!

16-03-09
Lord, You thought of even me…You think of even me!
You gave all to me; for me..
And I have nothing to offer back!
Nothing can I give Lord…but a broken heart
And a couple of tears…
Some hours of work and a bit of my time…
Take my feelings of helplessness…
Make something good of my messes and stupid moves.
My stupid motives and fixations…
All the lies I’ve chosen to believe…
Please free me form them all!
In you I find perfect love…
And perfect love drives out all fear!

19-03-09
There’s a heaviness in my soul..
A cry that no one has yet heard of…
A sadness for this world that fades..
Without knowing the truth.

Tears from an unborn child or dying patient
That have gone unheard for so long…
People have shut out so many truths…
To believe things that lead them to dark, lonely places.

They’ve become oblivious to Your sacrifice.
We live thinking we have conqoured the world..
We fall believing we’ll never get back up…
Your offering gets pushed aside.

Your gift of grace and forgiveness is greater than life
But we still choose to live life without it!

I’m not sure how much I can do…
I can’t explain myself let alone who You are!
I’m helpless and afraid but I give You full control.
I want to do this not because there is no other option…
But because You are my best option!

....................................................................................

I get these feelings of inferiority every time…
May I face them…deal with them…and overcome them
With the strength of my God!

My soul is not complete in being the best or being perfect…only in You.
Not in creating the most beautiful symphonies or writing the best lyrics…only in You.
Not in reaching the top; knowing the most or being in charge…only in You.
Not in perfecting my face, my body, my health or my clothes…only in You.
I won’t be loved more or loved less If I was ideal; a hero; perfect.
I’m loved AS IS…by the King of the Universe…the King of my soul and my world!

So this is it…my feelings on display…
For all to see…and to know they are not alone
And you are the one who can help them overcome.
It’s all for your glory!

21-03-09

It’s a bit overwhelming
Yet there’s nothing I could want more
To pass on what I’ve learned
And to have people embrace it.

24-03-09
It’s funny or maybe just predictable…
It’s all unseen and the only thing one can do is assume…
It’s all been worked on before but it was secretly suffered…
Diving into the unknown of success or failure…
With the “will it help?” question unanswered.
The ones who caused it applaud it…
The tears turn to smiles and polite “Thank You’s”
…and I’m not even sure that’s a good thing....

25-03-09
Like smoke I’m blown away by the wind
Like wax before the fire I melt…

26-03-09
I wish I could put words to my wondering
Tunes to my thoughts…

27-03-09
We try to elevate ourselves by putting others down…
But at the end of the day people will think highly of us
When we lift others up…not when we put them down!

28-03-09

Misunderstood..
Leading to frustration..
Leading to actions that are unthought-of and unplanned; unwanted…
Actions leading to hurts and hurts to fights…
Leading to more eruptions all dwindling further and further and further from the root.
But what is the root of the problem?
Is there one specific thing we can point the blame at?
Or is it a web of intertwined lives, conversations and circumstances…
Words that injure come from the injured
Words full of love come from the ones who know they are loved…

I could take everything that happened in life and blame it on something in the past…
And I could go back and even further back…
But will I ever get anywhere?
Or does it all start the day we were born?
When our imperfect selves entered the world…
Help me to forgive…not to blame.
To continue loving…not to pay back.
To do good…not to blow up.

.....................................................................

When I wonder where the ears that care seem to be,
I sometimes find myself walking lonely through a maze…
Simply searching solitarily…
And I could search forever because I’m never to be fully understood.
Nobody’s been through the exact things I have…
So nobody’s character was formed the way mine has…
So nobody can fully understand me.
I’m constantly changing…
Sometimes I can’t even catch up with myself let alone…
But…God…Lord…You understand…don’t you?

29-3-09
Why do we think putting people down lifts us up?
Makes us higher? ...When in fact it’s the opposite!
When we put others down they think of us more lowly…
When we encourage and lift others up they think more highly of us…
So what’s fooled us?
Into thinking being the best; the highest…will make us happiest?

You were right…who is first comes last…
And who’s is last will come first.

Give me faith for the rocky times…
To hold on and remain trusting You can lead me
And see me through!
I want to return home…
To a place I feel comfortable, safe and understood…
I want to runaway from anything that pushes me out of my comfort zone…
I wish simplicity would reign sometimes in the world
But this attitude can’t be right…
“Yet I am poor and needy; come quickly to me, o God.
You are my help and my deliverer o Lord, do not delay.” Ps. 70:5

31-3-09

Sometimes I feel like I’m screaming silently
Wondering I’m left…waiting; wallowing
Helpless I remain hoping haphazardly

My life seems to lack order and a plan
Directions are sometime accepted but
More often than not pushed off…

I claim I don’t like being told what to do…
But some days deciding for myself is the hardest.
Tick me off the list world…
My ideas are finished…my originality has run dry…
God’s my only inspiration…and motivation
Tick me off the list…
You don’t need to waste your time on me
You’ve done enough good deeds for the week…
I’ll survive alone with my Jesus.

2-04-09
You got me from silent dark places
To brighter ones…
I don’t know how you got me through the harder years…
And I’m not sure if I’ve grown up or toughened up…
And which is best?
Did my heart mature or grow cold?
As I lie here in the dark tonight I feel your peace
Coz I know you’re in control even though
I’m not certain as to where I’m going…
But I can’t help remember the nights I spent
Hurting, crying, alone and misunderstood by the world…
How’d that happen?
To someone who seemed to have such a perfect life from the outside…I wonder…
Maybe it’s coz we’re all the same…
Maybe we all cry and get ticked off lists after all.

There are so many things battling inside me…
There’s a war going on and my soul’s screaming
Being pushed and pulled and torn apart!
My head’s spinning as I try to make heads and tails
Of what exactly is going on!
Is this the distress you saved me from?
As comments, words, people and the past
Swirl around my mind…
I’m the one left with the decision…
What to keep and what to leave behind!
Don’t go…stay with me here…
Surround me anew with the comfort
I once so well knew!

So many things led to my conversion…
It’s not even funny how I spent months on little sleep…
Making sure I played the part of a peaceful resting child every night
As my parents would walk in to check if all was alright…
So many things built it up…
So many brought it down!
Everything is so clear once again…
It’s like I’m reliving those moments
Of hiding and fear of my family and friends!
I offer my prayers tonight for anyone
Feeling this way at the moment!
Take away there pain!

5-4-09
I wish I could spend days walking; thinking;
Running; praying; escaping into wide open spaces.

A breath of fresh air; a beam of sunlight;
A flowery scent; a song of a bird…
Something brightens up my day…
Something urges me to hold on and run on.

I’m going to live loud; give me your enthusiasm!
With your power, love and energy I will reach out!
I’m not living for pleasure for myself…
I’m living to serve You and others…
In the most extravagant way possible
Make me bold; hold my heart; take my emotions.
Give me your peace…your love…and a passion
For more of You!
You are my freedom; You are my rest!

“I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.
When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
At night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted.
I thought about the former days,
The years of long ago;
I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart mused and my spirit inquired.” Ps.77:1-2,6

They should all know if they long to do something or be someone
They should get down to it now!
Don’t wait for tomorrow…don’t wait for the perfect person to arrive
And make you better…
Go to God and get down to it now!
Don’t think when you’ve found the perfect
Friend, relative or partner then you’ll work on being happy
And content and enthusiastic about your life!
Seize the moment…
before you live to regret it!

6-04-09

“May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, my rock and my redeemer!” Ps.19:14

9-4-09
I want an undivided heart...
To be one-track minded…
To stay with you here tonight…
Just to be…
Just to receive…
Just to give you my full attention…
I just want to stay…here with You forever
Stay…here in Your arms where I’m safe…
Where all my worthless feelings
Are scared away by the knowledge
Of your love that drives it all away.
My heart is whole when it’s in You!

May I be at the centre of Your will for me.

If I had to write about someone i know well....

2009-03-31T11:48:00.003+01:00

My english essay titled - A Person I Know Well

As I thought out this essay, I mentioned the title to my good friend Rachel and we ended up discussing the fact that knowing a person ‘well’ is all relative. I may believe I know someone inside out but I actually won’t. As our analysis continued, it dawned on me that after many similar conversations, I may actually know Rachel Cilia Werdmolder well – quite well in fact.

Rachel is a tall half-Dutch-half-Maltese seventeen year old girl, also known amongst friends as Achie, since there were once four ‘Rachels’ at a party and we had to distinguish them. Her short hair style in its playful manner and the glasses that sit crookedly on her nose, give her a friendly look, even before her bright smile is revealed.

She can be rather free-spirited when it comes to clothes. She will wear exactly what she feels like whether it is jeans and wellies, or a dress, heels and make-up, no matter the time or occasion. This is probably because of her ‘I-Live-for-God’ attitude, where she does not feel the need to impress anyone with anything more than herself. Although she is a smart know-it-all, she is always up for a laugh and eager to learn any extraordinary facts. She loves reading anything from Jane Austen, to Twilight, to the Bible. Very often she would prefer an evening with a good book than a night at a party. Her passion for writing may be linked to this fact.

She gets her creative streaks where she paints, dances, acts and takes part in the odd musical. Another thing Achie is very fond of is horse riding. Every Easter she persistently reminds us that the spring cannot go by before we all go riding together. In the winter, she also enjoys snowboarding at her Aunt’s apartment on the mountains in Switzerland.

The first time we clicked, we were both dressed up in crazy hippie costumes at a retro party. We spent the night chatting, laughing and dancing and since then have enjoyed doing countless wacky things together. We have been camping abroad; we have cleaned churches and babysat orphans; lived on a boat in Comino and even worked at a café’ together. Sometimes she can do the most unheard of things, like wearing flip-flops in the middle of February. Listening to old music and rekindling old hymns are other things she will obliviously enjoy doing, without a care in the world about other people’s critical comments and opinions.

Rachel is random and tends to use uncommon words. She has very complicated theories that amount to a simple statement, but she would only realize this after a long time. She is almost addicted to Facebook, and enjoys writing poetry, songs and blogs. Her amazing ability to go off topic compliments her love for tricky theology and anything else that gets her thinking. When asked about her religious views she is proud to answer that she is “mad about Jesus!” many times she procrastinates and complains that she is doing so again. She over analyses everything form songs, to conversations, to the colour of a wall.

People may see Achie and get the impression she is a quiet introvert. However a book should never be judged by its cover. In her I have found a friend who is not scared of depth or vulnerability; someone who is not afraid of being genuine. This kind of true friendship cannot be traded for anything, irrelevant of how “well” I may know her!

If I had to tear down "Tear It Down" ...

2009-03-10T21:53:00.008Z

So for those who don't know...i hav tonsilitis! xD and i've been stuck inside since yesterday and i shud be better by thursday according to the doctor! lol
all i've been doing is reading and sleeping!! now if you had to ask me what i wanted to do last week i would have told you "I just want to sleep forever and have time on my hands to reaaad!!"
so now i;m thinking i'm quite an ungrateful chicken lol...or else...i just don't know what i want lol..
i'm enjoying my relaxedness of being sick at home...but there's always the stress of having to catch up at school when i get better, at the back of my mind...nd u know what the worst part is?? im allowed to go to school on friday..the day of my organice chemistry test lol..greeaaatt =)...*but i can't study with fever and a sore throat..xD im too distracted!*

so the new CD is out!! wooo how exciting! =)..ive dreamed of the day there would be a CD with my music..and wow it happened! (alot of the things ive been dreaming of have been coming true lately aye xD)

i think i'l just let u all in on the reasons behind some of the songs in the CD..lol
since i have nothing better to do as a sick person, and everyones still quite CD-happy .....
1. "stronger"...wow that song was the hardest to write! lol...my mum had come up to us as a band and said "we need a song for the live-in stronger..so come up with it!" xD...nd she gave us the scripture verse that they got the idea for the live-in from and we got to work...
it took us all summer!i'm not excagerating!...bringing ideas to rehearsals and ripping them to peices every time...but nothing was ever gd enough sort of xD...
nd den one fine day after hours of wasted time trying and trying to compose this song (lol)...sam just came up with the melody! nd paul started playing his guitar riff ekk....(haha i was d one who put the lyrics of the chorus together...dnt do much lol)...nd den we had to think of lyrics for verses and all that...nd it actually turned out to be a very cool, anthemy song after all that hard work in our basement all summer!

2. "This is Our prayer"... this one many of u knw..i wrote last december/january (07/08)...and my main inspiration were drea and achie =D
they were both going through hard times..and as their friend i wanted to do all i could for them as would any friend... but i ended up feeling useless coz i couldn't take away their pain sort of thing..
and so i turned to God..and wrote a song as a prayer for them..fully realising that only God can help improve their situations and the most i could do was be there to listen and give advice if needed.

3. "Tear It Down"...oo la la..the beginning of my "coming-out-of-my-shell" conversion i would say! i was so into hiding myself and my feelings... i needed someone to know how i really felt! the lyrics were actually a journal entry i had written in d middle of the night with the light of my mobile phone on my bed ...and a couple of days later when i was reading thru them a tune came to my head and tadaa...

4."Let Me Know"...Amy's song as the band knows it =) so these are amy's lyrics and i put a tune to them..and mark sings it in the album! i think it was quite a God-thing coz usually i don't manage to put tunes to lyrics that aren't my own..but it turned out to be a great nd powerful song!

5. "All I Need"...Sam and Rob G wrote this song back when Rob was still in Malta!... sam fixed the lyrics and everything a bit and there you have it...a simple yet great worship song =)

6. "I Long" this is leana's! xD she wrote it quite some time ago and then sang it to us in summer..and we found the chords and everything...nd den we tot it wud be a nice piano-y song..nd so it remained a prayerful, quieter song!

7. "It's Alright"...hah not much to say about how i wrote this song...O Levels! lol that explains it all! well honestly..this song helped me get thru those hard days during my studying period hehe...but funnily enough the lyrics of the song were written like the year b4..nd i re-found dem and wrote the music...nd it turned out to be a rly encouraging song to me and ppls who heard it.

8."Your Love Endures"...i dont know much about this one. But Mark wrote it...showed it to us in our basement one hot summer's day (xD) and we just fixed it a little bit without making any grand changes and it turned out rly gd =)...*yaaay well done mark lol*...we probably wasted more time trying to think of a cool song-name (haha sam wanted to call it something totally bizarre that had nothing to do with the lyrics) and teaching paul a riff (which wasnt used in the final recording lol)...than we did actually "fixing" the song lol...gd times gd times

9."Second Best"...people tease me saying that this is the first happy song i ever wrote coz all my other ones are a bit melancholic! lol nd probably that's because i wrote this the day i finished o levels haha..well i had been working on lyrics and a tune during o levels but i dnt hav loads of free time...so as soon as i finished i got to work on the song..and after, the band helped fix it up a bit and we worked on a bridge together..(hah dat took long too..i think there are videos of it on the band's facebook page xD)..but hey..we have a happy song!=)

10."Everlasting"...yeee got to the end! melaaa this song...i think the initial inspiration was the fact that my dad was always coming and going to libya with work. Sometimes i think it really effects me...other times i think im surviving just fine with the situation...nd well this song happened on one of the bad days. It was my realisation that even if my earthly dad may be coming and going coz of work (nd coz he luvs me and needs to provide for us xD *luv u paaa* =) )....my heavenly dad is never gna change, move or nething u knw?
we also tried working on a bridge for this song all summer..and den one day pooff wen we least expected it..a bridge came to me lool...its rly funny how these thigns happen...coz sam paul and i wud hav been arguing over lyrics and melodies for hours and days and den suddenly...we get one thats gd!
This song remained the chilled jazzy song on the album aaaand...i hope u wer all smart enough to realise that our Cd ends with the lyrics "in this world everything ends, every little thing, every little thing ends"....*hah get it?? d cd ends??xD lol*

insomma..i thought this wud be a short pointless blog but i had fun going thru memories of song-writing and arguing in the basement..and hot summer afternoons in san gwann dat took ages to pass xD...(wen every1 was at d beach and we had to finish a song for studio lol) with sweaty smelly boys haha ajmaa...
i will take this opportunity to honour everyone in the band for all their hard work over the months...their constant prayer and practise and all their dedication and perseverence! I'm lucky to have people like you to work with..and we're all lucky to hav ppls like u coz u guys can play some gd music! glee ur all great!! nd i luv u hafna even tho i get pissy at times..(well do u blame me?? after spending a stretch of hours with them?? dey can be so lethargic and un productive u have no idea lol *jokiiiing* =P)
Blessings to u all..may u enjoy the new CD and use it to get closer to the One who luvs u the most! =)

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

p.s...paul wanted me to title my blog: "Tear it Down" - The one which grouped my depressing songs!
lool

If you had to flick through my journals nd thoughts...

2009-02-22T01:05:00.004Z

Haven’t blogged much this year aye?
Well I got a cool journal for Christmas from Achie and Elaine…so I might as well update you all a bit on what’s being written inside it =P

12-1-09
I don’t seem to be stirring up enough trouble
Everywhere I go…
*I mean this in the most Christian way…*
I mean am I not meant to be bugging all the evil out there??
With my good? With my love and with my persistence? xD

I dream of doing something wild,
I hope I’ll never chicken out; back off.
I pray for divine interventions,
I know every stitch in my life is planned.

One in a million, but still precious.
Worse than them all but still loved.
Further; lower than ever
But I’m cleansed; treasured; kept safe
In the arms of the Almighty!

That was a random journal entry in the middle of January…Then a few days before I gave the talk at y4j xD...I got this mini “I-can’t-do-this” panic attack and ended up all pensive and somehow when I poured out my heart to God it looked something like this..

21-1-09
When I die I’d want people to know
That I was a helpless, struggling person…
I wouldn’t want to be idealized
Or praised for things I couldn’t manage…

I’d prefer them to see that in this hopeless world
God sustained me.
I can’t do anything everyone else can’t do…
Who wouldn’t cling to a person who only gives love?
Who accepts and blesses?
Who wouldn’t run into their Savior’s arms
When something hard faced them?

Only someone who has all this totally misunderstood…
And so for those I’ll pray that they could realize it’s a bit simpler
Than they thought...to find love.

Keep my heart alive God…
I can do all things: advance against a troupe
Get through test weeks…and maybe even give a talk.

“You, o lord, keep my lamp burning;
My God turns my darkness into light.
With your help I can advance against a troupe;
With my God I can scale a wall.” Ps 18:28-29

I know this is all a bit like random thoughts just placed here in no particular order...but they were just a few things I felt like writing about…This song sort of portrays how I feel…it’s quite random… I don’t think I ever totally understood it...but that’s why it’s so great...coz every time you hear it u can interpret it differently...and I think I’m like that...it takes a lot of thinking and getting to know me before I can be interpreted xD

I don’t want to drown in anything else but God’s love!

I started thinking about the parable of the sower last time…you know the farmer who scatters seeds on like the path, the rocky place, the soil, etc…

And it made me think about us in life… It’s so easy for the seed to be planted on the rocky places… where we hear about God and believe with joy…but we don’t have roots…it only lasts a short time. When troubles or bad days come along we quickly fall away.

The worries of the world and everything in it don’t allow us to keep our relationship with God growing and alive… and the thing about it is…faith’s like riding a bike…when you stop pedaling you fall off! When we stop praying daily or perhaps reading the bible or hearing music that has that positive getting-you-closer-to-God sort of message or hanging out with people that are spurring us on we fall away!

If we don’t grow roots into something real and “ta sustanz” *excuse the multi-languages xD* the next storm will blow us off the pathway into who knows where!!

The thing is so many bad influences are chucked at us every second of our days that we have to take control of influencing ourselves with good things to, not just keep a balance but, over power the bad influences with good influences to become better people! Does that make any sense? xD

Storms come without warning
Furiously sweeping over us.
Sometimes You remain asleep
Will we drown?

Why are we so afraid?
Where’s our faith?
Even the winds and the waves obey you!

Yet throughout the ages
Over and over again
People have prayer
“Why do you stand far off?”
“Why do you hide yourself…
In times of trouble?”(Ps10:1-15)

So you came to calm the waters
To be closer to us than ever before
The needy will not be forgotten
You will remember the helpless.

A couple of days ago this paragraph jumped out at me from the book I’m reading “Will The Real Me Please Stand Up”.

“In any case, it is no doubt much better for me to tell you of my anger or hurt and to confront or openly challenge you. I know that I would rather have you be open with me. I would rather have your anger, hurt or challenge out in the open where we can deal with it.

The only alternative is to leave me guessing,
And to leave you bottling up your thoughts and feelings.
Again, what we don’t speak out we act out.
So if you don’t level with me,
Your suppressed thoughts and feelings
Will probably take the form of pouting, distancing or wall building.

Whatever is not openly expressed in a relationship becomes a subtle force of destruction.”

And it’s scarily true! This past week I’ve noticed sometimes I start acting weird because I would have bottled up something rather than shared it and sorted it out! And it’s destroying us! Bottling up is ruining us and our relationships and our lives!! So I challenge you all to speak out,get things out in the open, rather than act out! It’s true it may include stepping out of our comfort zones for a while but it actually is worth it.

Another random prayer just to help you all understand me and my confused-ness at times:

Desperately clinging onto
What seems to be a piece of
Hay in a hay stack

Everything’s slipping right through my fingers..
When I cling to You, you prove to be
A solid rock that I can depend on…

When the world lets me down and
Pushes me off cliffs claiming
They’re helping me reach the top of mountains…

I realize that there truly is nothing
As secure as you and so
I can only find my self-worth in you..

I don’t need to care about people who
Push, pull and claim they own me
And are my main influence.

You, you, you
How can I lose my target?
Why can the world bug me so much?

I wish I can be alone with you in the world...
And not let anyone influence me
Or try pull me away!...

Why’s everyone fighting...
Let me be!...Alone.
With the fullness of my God and His love and care!

Well...I’m looking at what I wrote and thinking it doesn’t make much sense but hey…you may enjoy randomness and I promise next blog will be more structured and point-full =P *ma I have such a disease of having to be orderly and productive aye?* xD
Latest scraps of songs that I’m working on..

Verse 1:
I need somewhere to go
Somewhere to know
Somewhere to be
Where I can be me

Verse 2:
I’ll find that secret place
But I need your grace
To run a mile more
Till I find you’re for
Loving me…

Chorus:
I’ll come to You coz
Wrapped in your arms
Is where I’ll be safe
I’ll give my life up to you.
Jesus I’ll run to You
Close to your heart
Is where I’m made whole
I’ll give me life up to You.

Verse 3:
I can’t find an escape
A hiding place
Other than You
Where I can be new

Chorus:
I’ll come to You coz
Wrapped in your arms
Is where I’ll be safe
I’ll give my life up to you.
Jesus I’ll run to You
Close to your heart
Is where I’m made whole
I’ll give me life up to You.

The other one’s in the basement and I’m not going to go for it...it’s too cold and late xD
I think I’ll leave you with that google thing everyone was doing xD...

Bettina needs to go. I guess he's hot for her, but still. She and her family are still WAY too hung up on ex-husband.

Bettina looks like this character sometimes used in horror movies...where they appear to be innocent sweet old ladies but end up being mad and dangerous :-)) I am sure she isn't but in the films they always look just like this.

Bettina says Beethoven did indeed frequently speak and think of his genious, recognizing in it a higher revelation and placing it above any philosophy, ...

Bettina does coffee

Bettina wants to put these extensive networking and marketing skills to work for you.

Bettina hates camels

Bettina asks the question we've all been wondering: Why the heck did he give her a rose after the way her family treated him

Bettina likes to keep fit by going to the gym, walking and swimming and also likes to relax by going to the beach and the movies, shopping and socializing

Bettina eats a cherry or two, Fred and Octavius get cameras in their face

Bettina wears leopard skin mask by Victoria Grant at Coco de Mer, 'The rest of my outfit is second hand.

Accused of intelligence with the West, Bettina was arrested in 1984, and presented to a young Stasi officer, Jan, for questioning

Bettina Loves a Soldier.

If i can no longer live and He can live in me...

2009-01-01T21:42:00.003Z

So these are a couple of my latest thoughts…

I always feel the need to know where my life is going…
To know what is wanted from me; what I can do…am meant to do.

And there’s an urgency to it!
I feel so impatient… but I must wait on You.
Keep my life going where You want it to go.

“May my cry come before You, o Lord
Give me understanding according to you word…
May my supplication come before You;
Deliver me according to your promise.” Ps.119:169-170

“…the Lord will keep you from all harm
He will watch over your life;
…over your coming and your going
Both now and forevermore.” Ps. 121:7-8

“Unless the Lord builds the house,
Its builders labor in vain.” Ps.127:1

So this is what happens… when I feel satisfied by You, I think I don’t need You anymore…then I try alone… and after some time I’m down in the dumps…after trying other things I return helplessly to You for more help…again. And the cycle goes on…can You make it stop? At the phase when I’m satisfied? Just fully satisfied by You?

Sometimes I find myself wishing to ask people “Whose side are you on?”
How can you change your mind at the flick of a finger? Or at a single word? So then I found myself writing this after coming across this scripture…

“ I know your deeds, that you are neither hot nor cold! I wish you were either one or the other. So because you are lukewarm I am about to spit you out of my mouth…. Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him and he with me.”
Rev 3:12-20

I can’t use my ears to hear praise songs
And songs that glorify sex and mock You.
I can’t use my mouth to lift up thanksgiving to You
But then curse at friends, family and the sort.
I can’t walk on two roads!
Encouraging but tearing people down.

I can’t be a Christian when it suits me…
I can’t move one leg one way…
And the other leg the other way
Without falling into a split
And becoming paralyzed…stuck!

Maybe we’re all stuck in a split… but we choose to call it a spiritual desert.
We assume God’s asleep; ignoring us.
We’re jammed…divided; stretched …out of thoughts and words
Become our focus…is it possible?
Hot or cold…extreme…is that what You’re asking for?

I’m going to leave you all with a long, boring rant and reflection on my past year xD…enjoy!

To God – thoughts on 2008

I’ve been hurt this year like the ones before it. I’ve matured; realized I can’t alone…I just can’t. There is someone who cares even when I’m not sure where. Forgiving helped me move forward…God pulled me through. He reminded me it was part of His plan. This time last year I struggled, strained, stressed, suffered… But I gave God my confusion and embraced the start of a new hectic year…2008.
Guys, compliments, comments, opportunities all came and left…as the year began with Rob Galea’s launch my year was launched… with God as my leader I set off into January 08.I thought i knew all I could about God but I wondered blindly until He swept me off my feet. Eventually I realized He’s the only everlasting one…and that was hard to take in.
Can God stay forever when everything that’s meant to last in the world simply ends?

Later on in the year I wondered if I was the only one interested in the lives of others…did anyone care about me? But could that have been O Level Blues? xD They began when I committed every exam to God…it was the only way I got to a deeper level with Him. Sometimes I felt frustrated and followed blindly…other times I felt He was near.

Persistently I pressed on…once or twice I was too numb and tired to think…but God’s comfort kept me safe. I learned I had nothing to prove… I was God’s daughter and that’s what gave me worth! I didn’t have to please everyone or stay quiet…I could live loud…upsetting things along the way that have sat in the same place for too long.

And when summer came along I knew opportunities where screaming out at me! I wanted to be a slave to nothing else but God…nothing could separate me from His love! Slowly I digested more and more who God is and that I can never fully understand Him. His love remained something out of this world.

At Soul survivor my heart melted again as I was remodeled…even if I had to wait till the very last day to learn some vital things. It meant a lot that I had many moments to sit with God and write poetry to Him. In His presence I was no longer lonely, or abandoned. Another layer of skin was removed from me, like an onion before it is eaten. Even though I knew the layers would have to be peeled off I chose to do things in a way that suited my pride.
Obedience; humility; studying God’s word were amongst my many take home messages.

Around September, I felt as though things started to crumble…friends judged and accused me of judging…left me alone…claiming I was leaving them out. They hurt me thinking I didn’t know what was going on. In the midst of all this I didn’t get into SAC which was perhaps a let down but a start to something new and encouraging.
I wished not to fail…but breaking down in front of friends helped me get what I needed.

But I felt cheated…I didn’t get what I deserved AND it was God’s plan =S.
I had to digest it whilst people’s criticism on my family and thing’s close to my heart kept wounding me.
Sometimes I wondered why people had to interfere in what I chose to do with my time and life. But God gave and sacrificed continuously…He was my only idol. I wanted to give even if people snatched and threw things at me! I found help and refuge in God!
Life at JC eventually began...as enjoyable as ever…I walked with God and hoped to stay strong but the world didn’t wait for me to catch up…it kept passing by at the speed of light. Sticking to God was the best I could do! I knew I had a purpose at JC and I still am living to discover this more and more. I tired to remain as Christ- focused as I could through the hectic first term! Even though moods swung God remained my strength! I learned to use trials to get closer to Him.

Well, blogs I wrote this year kept people updated on what’s going on in my life and it helped me realize I wasn’t alone…and it showed others they aren’t too. Songs remained screaming out of me…as lyrics and melodies kept flowing out of somewhere.

Now I’m wondering exactly where I’m heading…where to focus this burning passion inside me to do something amazing for others.
There’s something burning in me…like I didn’t have enough time this year to do anything…
like I didn’t have the resources to do anything spectacular. There’s this urgency to do something…anything…
Suddenly the world needs to know…my best friend’s gonna be born really soon!
Somehow they need to know how pointless celebrations are without first receiving Him!

So take the coming year Lord, may everything I do give glory to You and help others see You. New beginnings; second chances…may I do something brave and beautiful this year and say “Here I am, send me!”….May I stay tuned to You. Thank you for the gift of this year…this life!

If I had a good tune to sing...=)

2008-11-23T22:53:00.004Z

Not much concrete stuff…just a couple (or maybe not just a couple) of poetry lines if anyone feels like a read…=)

I feel misunderstood; secretly judged… somehow like
Nobody’s totally for me or against me…
Like everyone’s a friend in your presence
But then changes when you’re away…

Like there’s no time to turn to anyone
Else but You God…
Yet people are free
To turn to me, whatever time it may be. (N.B. dnt comment about that =P I was in a bad mood xD)

I feel looked down on; unimportant
Perhaps I’m laughed at…or the butt of many jokes…
Yet maybe, just maybe I might make a difference…
To one person’s life… like some people to me.

I need to learn to love constantly,
And not to bother so much about first impressions
Or keeping up the high standard.

Why is it we care about people’s thoughts
But we never think anyone cares enough
About what we think and feel?
What is it we care for? The comments; compliments?

So what’s the worst that can possibly happen?
Nobody likes me; loves me; needs me; wants me…
And I’ll be left alone with You…
I know You’re all I need;
I know You gave me what I need…
Even if that means I needed friends. =)

Would my world be that desperate without them?
Could I run away to my own world
Of thoughts, dreams, poetry and prayers?
With You? will You be my inspiration?
My expression and purpose? Do I believe…
That You are enough to be my world?

I’m trying to find the balance
Of juggling You and the world…
I hope You’ll remain first
But I know that I shouldn’t totally disassociate
Myself from the world.

I’m not in the world
For love and entertainment.
I’m here to give to it…to be the help…
To break pre-conditioned ideas…
And perhaps to prove who I really am…
Or will someone be bothered enough to find out for himself?

Will anyone ever care that much?
I know You do…is it enough?
You gave me people for a reason…
I need love and attention…
I’m created that way!

Was I raised thinking I should cope alone?
Cope just giving?
All I did was receive from You…
So all I can do is give away all I’ve gotten so far!
You keep me alive…You keep my heart soft.

Look what You’ve saved me from…
Look at what You’ve planned for me to do:

To be the broken example of a person being healed;
To be the hurt human here, proving that comfort can be felt;
To be the lost one, that found what she searched for!

The insecurities I’ll cast onto the life-saving cross..
The thoughts and fears, selfishness and bitterness
That has kept me back…I will be rid of!

I’m not living to prove a point…
I’m living to love You with my life…
May my point be proven in how I do this.
My goal…to serve You…not to stand out
As the different one just to be noticed.

When life gets too loud You can’t block it out.
If you have nothing stronger to cling to…
You’ll drift towards a sad ending you can’t foresee.

I was once a dependant young child…
But for some reason… now I prefer to try alone.

You’re probably all tired of reading but before I post my last song I’m gonna write some verses that help with getting through =)

"Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds
Because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.” James 1:2

“Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.” 1:12

“…our God is full of compassion.
The Lord protects the simple-hearted;
When I was in great need, he saved me.” Ps.116: 5-6

So you should all be impressed at my brief-ness xD coz it’s so unlike me… but last thing before I leave you to make something out of my confusion and thoughts…a.k.a. poetry xD…
Out of all those lines…and the poems I posted last time… a song has evolved…enjoy =)

Verse 1:
Constant dripping on a rainy day
Trying to restrain the wind
Or grasp oil with the hand.

Empty words; I’ve heard of this truth
They sang about it in the psalms
Today in the heavenly realms.

Pre-chorus:
I’m worn out, like a torn old dress
Them I will soon cease to impress

Chorus:
Coz I’m the broken example of a person being healed;
The hurt human here, proving that comfort can be felt;
The lost one, that found what she was searching for.
Now all my insecurities I’ll cast onto
The life-saving cross.

Verse 2:
Clouds and wind come without rain
They say they’ll try and stop my pain…
But they do nothing at all.

Passing crowds; You’ve singled me out
Chosen me to serve and love
Yearned to have me as Your own.

Pre-chorus:
But I’m worn out, like a torn old dress
Them I will soon cease to impress

Chorus:
Coz I’m the broken example of a person being healed;
The hurt human here, proving that comfort can be felt;
The lost one, that found what she was searching for.
Now all my insecurities I’ll cast onto
The life-saving cross.

Iiiii if anyone’s still following…I wrote this in the library the other day xD (It’s a prayer for anyone who was thinking otherwise):

If I could write a song to You
It would probably have the most overused phrases
Sung over and over again, yet perhaps in
The most sincere way you can ever know.

I’d like to tell You that I love You
For who You are and not who I’ve made You to be.
I’d pray You’d take my all
Accept my life a sacrifice of love, as worship to You.

If I had a good tune to sing
It would be the best of any other that I can bring.
Bottled up; expressions reach the surface,
Exploding into a love song I’ve longed to write

You gave me my all and now I’m giving it back…how many times have You heard those words? Can I be real, like few others before me? Do You know I want to give all glory to You? Why can’t people be true? Why must this frustrate my inmost being?hurting me to my deepest core? I’ve known what it’s like to be trapped so maybe this could actually be compassion; a longing for others not to suffer things I have.
I’m letting all of the things I control…go! So…freely I can say that I love You
For who You are and not who I’ve made You to be.
I’d pray You’d take my all
Accept my life a sacrifice of love, as worship to You

Gn! Blessings to all =)
xxxx

If I belong…

2008-11-09T20:54:00.003Z

So I guess this blog is a result of a month of school and restriction compared to my free summer days….it’s a stress relieve…a way for me to be me and just sort out my thoughts... so for those who are curious to enter my world of thoughts and emotions here it goes...xD

Everyday at school you’re a nobody…just another face… for those that have been to Junior College or any other sort of big school you know what I mean…
Certain days I love the fact that I’m no one…other days I want an identity… some days I love the fact that people don’t know anything about me… that they’ll never see me again…other days I wish I can be making more of a difference to these people who I simply walk past day in day out…*xD yes I’m going on about nothing in particular...but let me vent*

So that’s probably an explanation to one of my latest mobile-poems xD…where basically I was feeling so stretched by tests, school and ballet rehearsals that I just wished to be old for half a second…

6-10-08
If I was an old woman with nothing to do
I’d spend days blogging, Journaling
And writing out every thought
I’d ever had…

I’d put every tune that ever came to mind
Into a beautiful song of its own
I’d write letters of encouragement
To anyone that might seem to need one…

I would fix every poem,
And sort out my head
And the best thing is
That I won’t have any regrets
About what I could have done if I had more time!

I would stop to talk to every needy person
And have enough time to be needy in front of God!
I’d be so synced I’d know what to do in every situation
Coz I’d have His guidance in everything I do!

Now I reallyyyy don’t want to go on some pity party about my busy life...coz I’ve been busier and I know you could probably comment and tell me “you know I have this this this and this also so stop fussing…”…but sometimes...I need to reflect like this so that I can make the best of my time I guess…

It’s like I feel the need to tell God and myself..."this is what I’d rather be doing but for some reason I’m stuck at school so do something with it" xD…*yes yes I know I go to school to learn and I do love every second of it*..
but don’t you ever just dream of taking the risk and quitting everything and giving yourself totally to just one cause…so that like that you wont have any regrets in that part of your life?...xD
*have I lost you with my rambling xD?*

I didn’t realize this until I wrote it out…but I got an answer to my previous belonging question just now…read on… on the 23rd I wrote this in my journal xD:

23-10-08
Renewed, I’m starting afresh
Poor in spirit; a need so desperate
To know you more.

“The Lord knows those who are His..” 2 Tim 2:1-21
I don’t want to just live but to live loud and do things for people!
I will proclaim your love at the start of something new and your faithfulness at its end!

I guess in a way God just tapped me on the shoulder to let me know I’m His…and even though I’m in an everything’s-cliché’ sort of mood lately… I still needed to heard that xD

This whole being-a-nobody phase led me to my next mobile-poem one night when I was feeling a bit on the down side… a bit on the pushed-aside side xD

7-10-08
Why do you need so much attention?
Why must you want so much love
While I just starve here screaming!

I kiss the rain every day
And get through another night…
Am I meant to be more out going?
Or have You, God, made me
A more reflective person on purpose?

Why is it we feel we must be happy..
And talkative all the time?
Must I keep reaching out for love?
Or should I just accept the love that comes my way?

Can you satisfy me?
My heart’s every desire?
Take all my thoughts Lord!

I’m thinking now… I should really learn Maltese! These are my reasons… it’s hard to talk to people coz English is like “oh my goodness” xD so I feel I’m suppressing a bit of who I am everyday:

26-10-08
I come to offer you my time coz I have nothing else to offer really…
My timid character seems to take over when I’ll be dying to shout Your name!
Must I wait for the sea to resound and everything in it..
To say you are great…and I love you?
I want a purpose…to do something out of this world…
Is thinking big all for nothing?
Or are Your plans truly so much larger?

I think I’ve spoken about this once…about how I wish I could make huge changes in this world! ...Without wasting time on petty things…but who knows…maybe petty things are having a huge effect on people…or maybe there not… but they're preparing me for something… *wonders; dreams xD*

Amidst all these feelings of no time for myself lately…I’ve found time to read a bit…the book’s called “The Applause of Heaven”….and although it has a very soppy cover…it’s content makes sense…xD just gonna type out one sentence (well more like 3 or 4)that helped me realize how helpless I am without my Someone Greater…=)

“You don’t impress officials at NASA with a paper airplane…
You don’t boast about your crayon sketches in the presence of Picasso…
You don’t claim equality with Einstein because you can write H2O…
and you don’t boast about your goodness in the presence of the Perfect.”

Max Lucado – Applause of Heaven

*it’s a great quote aye xD???*

Guys sometimes I feel really outgoing…sometimes I want to crawl into my own world… I’m not sure why… but I think I’m not meant to be the hyper one… maybe my reflective-ness is the only way I can song-write and be me…and maybe that’s not a bad thing =)… *and for those times when I’m hyper…that will be me too…so let me be! xD*

For anyone still reading…these are my latest songs…well they still have to be developed into songs...xD but they will be soon when I get an hour to myself

30-10-08
Verse 1:
Like clouds and wind without rain
They say they’ll try and stop my pain
They don’t do anything at all

Empty words; I’ve heard of this truth
They sang about it in the psalms;
Today in the heavenly realms.

Chorus:
I am Yours and Yours I’ll remain
Coz when the pushing, pulling, strain
Have left me like the withered grass
Turn Your ear to me
When I call, answer my plea.

Verse 2:
And I’m worn out like a torn old dress;
Them I will soon cease to impress
But you’re the beginning; the end.

Passing crowds; you’ve singled me out;
Chosen me to serve and love You
To know me; to have me know you!

Chorus:
I am Yours and Yours I’ll remain
Coz when the pushing, pulling, strain
Have left me like the withered grass
Turn Your ear to me
When I call, answer my plea.

And the other one...xD this one’s based on 2 bible verses actually…and it’s quite structurless...xD
But basically I realized that if I was never hurt, broken, lonely or in a bad mood then God would never have gotten a chance to shine through me… I think sometimes I’m selfish and assume I should be fine all the time and get my way all the time…coz I believe my ways better…

buuuuut I guess God thinks otherwise…and if you’ve read some of my other blogs you’d realize that when God does the opposite to what I would have wanted…it usually works out for the best even tho i stamp my feet and don't enjoy it initially xD….
I’ll stop preaching now...and leave you to read haha

4-11-08 ( Ezekiel. 10:1-11:25/ Ps 105)

If I never walk through the dark, hard times
How can I see your glory shine?
If I am never weak how will Your
Strength be made known to the world?

If I’m not obedient will Your plans be fulfilled?
If I remain stubborn will I break or build?

An undivided heart; a new spirit in me.

Give me a heart of flesh
Coz this heart of stone
Has left me cold and broken
I want to be Yours
Devoted to you!

I want to end with this video coz it’s gotten me thru these weeks and so if you’ve read my whole blog or if you’ve just skimmed, rolled your eyes and came to this...
do bother watching just this xD..

Luv to all xD
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

If not to offer answers, to let you know you’re not alone…

2008-10-08T16:22:00.002+01:00

Aaah a new school year... a new beginning...everything still smells so fresh...but before i go on..i just need to rant for the last time about how i ended up at JC and perhaps why i did...
You may all be thinking Bet's taking too long to get over this..but i guess healing takes time..so a few weeks ago when i was still pouring out my heart to God about this issue i wrote this whilst staring blankly into the night out of my study's window...

I was cheated on, God do You know i was betrayed?
I was cheated on; I was betrayed.
I got less than what i deserved;
did You know God that i failed in the eyes of the world?
I got less than what I deserved;
I failed in the eyes of the world.
If there's hope I can't see it now; is there something better?
There's hope but I can't see it now;
there will be something better.

In case anyone didn't realise..the bold..was God's reply!...How funny it is that we don't realise that God felt the same way we did too! And how much funnier it is that we expect not to suffer at all but we shrug at the fact that God suffered for us...as though He was meant to..or it was His problem.

I don't wish to ramble on forever *xD*...but a few days after i wrote this i read this in a book...
"I didn't want to think of myself - much less be introduced - as a bus driver! It became another work of God in my life, to show me that I'm no less important to Him whether I'm driving the bus, cleaning it or talking about it." NOBODY's CHILD

the book was about a guy who started a bus ministry...which basically went around to like cities and hangs out with homeless kids who were like the criminals of the city...and the guy talking here reminded me of myself...
Maybe at first i didnt want to think of myself as a JC student..*lol i laugh at myself now coz its so great at school xD*...but then God reassured me I guess through this book that wherever I may be I'm no less important to God or to any of my close friends for that matter... So knowing that i was able to swallow my pride and enthusiastically approach my first weeks of school at JC wooo! glee xD

And i wish that in a few months time i can say...
"Now I want you to know, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel." Phil 1:12....
So if ur thinking God's gettin some plans slightly messed up..i guess my moral of the day is to wait and see what he actually has in store xD...and trust when it might be hardest..and when it might hurt and be unfomortable...

"My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely Christ, in whom are hidden all treasures of wisdom and knowledge." Colossians 2:2-3

So that’s my mission…I’m being sent out to encourage and love and show people who God is and that He has the treasures they need…even if results are not instant...I will persevere! Buuuut…xD…a couple of days before schoooollll xD:

I come to You day after day…to spend time with my creator
Who is all I need to be happy and at peace for eternity.
More often than not I seem to be talking to myself…
Or perhaps a piece of paper…
But I trust that the King of the Universe
Knows my name and listens to my every prayer!...

You know how sometimes a mother must stay quiet and do nothing to comfort a child but still teach him a lesson? I think You’re looking at me longing to embrace me and comfort me but You know that holding back the feeling and warmth of your presence for now is what’s best for me to learn some valuable trust lessons!...

“But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind
And straining toward what is ahead,
I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ jesus.” Phil.3:13-14

So you see all I’m trying to let you all know is that sometimes it’s normal to feel like a warrior for one week and like a wimp the next! xD As long as you keep persevering I believe God looks at our hearts and not at our instant results and so he’ll be glad you came back to Him for more strength after a week of feeling wimpy xD! These are a couple of my weaker days….

I’m lost and sinking and wondering if maybe
I should be selfish and shout out and cling to
What I want for once..

I’m engulfed by the world’s opinions;
People’s screaming criticism take over my thoughts
And begin to mold them into their own morals and values…

And here I am desperately yelling at the top of my lungs
But You’re the only one hearing me…
As the world keeps spinning and nobody’s life changes…
No ear stops to bend down and listen to my plea..

My throat is parched as I shout at the world
For not understanding me, as I try to make my voice heard!
But I’m still helpless…everything I rely on just fails…
At the flick of a finger and I’m left
Looking for my only answer…My God!

I want to run to my bed and kick my feet like a protesting baby saying
“NO! I don’t want to go!”
I want to run through a field and jump into Your arms like a woman that’s in love saying
“YES I want to stay here forever!”
To step out of my comfort zone and move far away from it
So I cannot get back to it
When I am most vulnerable!
I’m searching for an answer; a solution to a problem
I know You’ve solved…

But I don’t even have a question…
Just a brain that’s wandering…
Needing to try new things and determine
What the call is for my life…
Fortunately, I get Your help…
Help me accept the wait.

I know nobody will understand me…coz I cant understand my own frustration! Why do I feel the need to b understood? To be known and wanted? I’m not meant to be like the empty black I see in the sky before me…I’m made for relationships…wired to love. Again, I have an answer…so did I ask the wrong question or is the only step left for me to understand and believe what I already know?

So ye...I’m gna end here with one more poem sort of thing..Blessings to all you people and excuse the no direction of this blog…I guess it was more like me typing out my latest thoughts to you all…maybe not to offer answers to anything but to let you know you’re not alone in your confusion and questioning…

I’m still screaming but no ones budging; unaffected;
Am I the sensitive one?
I’m still running up and down but getting nowhere;
Frustration ties me down.
I’m tangled in a mess of thoughts; helplessnesss;
I will endure and keep on.
I’m still struggling Lord but You promised to
Comfort me once again.
I’m fighting to get loose but they keep pulling; pushing;
Breaking; tugging.
I’m slowly collapsing; too much weight
You carried all this already.

When I do not understand why
And I can’t get myself to cry
When my shame has nowhere to hide
‘nd I’ve given up keeping my pride

When confusion goes through my head…
And your word is what keeps me fed…
When sulking doesn’t seem to work…
I’ll get rid of these thoughts that lurk.

Just to let you all know at the live-in I got all this off my back..*I might expand another time but basically*..on Friday I forgave and emptied all the bad thoughts in me which left no room for God to fill…on Saturday I took off my straight jacket and struggled out of the bonds that were keeping me back.. I was freed from baggage and reassured….and on Sunday I learnt that I wont break..coz God’s carefully, gently holding me and His plan for me is good!! I will follow it through no matter what…even if that means going to JC =P xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

If I can love those that are hurting me...

2008-09-14T23:19:00.006+01:00

I guess there's a lot i hav to catch up on...

I should probably start by letting u all know i didnt get into st.aloysious for like 1 point ptx..and i got a phonecall from drea dat morning and she told me basically im on the waiting list...and i was like =O nooo... my life is ruinnedd!!
*dramaaa*....(it was so dramatic not coz im so pro sac and anti jc..but coz i had been lazy and not bothered applying at jc assuming id be in for sure)...

and basically that morning i was totally in shock becoz life was so unfair...after i had done all my work...guys with much less points than me get my place...it just didnt seem right..but i had to digest it..

so whilst i was crying dat morning..i decided to talk to God since i had no1 else to go to coz i was alone at home...and also becoz i was readin a book called God on mute....and God rly seemed to be on mute or at least just taking my life on a completely different road than i had expected..
[b4 i go on.. i want to point out dat like..i wasnt alone coz my friends were like amasing dat morning..all being very supportive and stuff xD..soo a big thank u to everyone i spoke to dat day dat was rly helpful! but still dey coudlnt give wat God did...xD]

So this is what my conversation with God was like that morning:

"Happy are those whose greatest desire is to do
what God requires;
God will satisfy them fully." Matt.5:6

Somehow i have a peace that you're near..
I pray that you use my life even if it means surrendering
and leaving everything behind!
Im confused but I'm excited
coz i know you thought of all of this..
and somehow you thought this is what would give you the most glory!
And you knew this would satisfy me!

Yet i feel like a small, scared, timid creature..
not daring to show its face and to let the world know
i wish i didnt fail...

It's funny though.. how i alrady feel so much closer to You Lord...
I know im close to Your heart and i can feel Your embrace!

"Clap your hands all you nations; shout to God with cries of joy.
How awesome is the Lord Most High, the great King overall the earth.
Sing praises to God, sing praises."Ps.47:1-2

I've gotta keep singing, i've got to keep praising Your name
That's the only way that i'll find healing!
Can i climb up in your lap; i dont want to leave
Jesus sing over me; You're all i need!

lord i pray to you in songs, coz my heart is not sure how to say much more!
(Your love makes me forget what i have been,...it makes me see who i really am...I need You to Love me!)

*that was a tad bit long..but basically thats how i was feeling...and it rly did help me learn to praise thru everything..even things i dnt understand coz dats d only way to get thru these things..and also becoz God remains who He is no matter what our circumstances are..so he still deserves to be praised whether things are going our way or not! xD*

Moving on...a few months ago i got all pissy at my dgroup..coz sum stuff they had said had disturbed me..and so i wrote a sorta poem to them which im going to share now...its sorta about how Christianity is actually somehting quite hard..what with persecutions and all..and sometimes we imagine it to be all candycoated like evrything else in this world..but it isnt...*my dgroup knows how much i love them and how i wrote this poem thingy in love and not in an angry way so i hope u all understand it in this way too*

What are you people?
Ur like trampolines! Up..down.. Any consistency anywhere?!
Christianity is all a bunch of lies you say..
It shows how you’ve totally misunderstood it..
Who ever said it was about fun and games and fuzzy feelings…
You’ve got it all wrong…
Sure that’s the attitude Jesus had in the Garden of Olives..
When he was bleeding sweat with anxiety…
Sure, He told His Father, “is this what Christianity is all about?!”…
“there’s nothing good about this feeling!..
where are you?..must I do all this…
For a bunch of ungrateful people?”

The fact is He did.. The fact is God is God…
No matter who you are and what you’re doing or going through
Who he is doesn’t change..
And that’s why we need Him…
and the least He deserves is us…

So all these misconceptions of what Christianity is..
They really pissed me off.. Haven’t you learned anything?...
Haven’t you realized that not one human in the bible had it easy…
Haven’t you ever wondered or thought before going on this quest..
That it is hard…
but it wont be easier as a non-Christian…
That it involves sacrifice… I mean…Daniel… was thrown in the lions den..
“is this what following God is about?” I can hear him say…
“I’m going to be ripped into smithereens and made fun of”…
And to be quite frank every other Bible person…
Could have had this attitude that we have…

But the point is life’s not about us..
Christianity is not about us…
The point is…It’s about God…
And we’re just lucky that he cares about us…
The point is we’re all going to die…
And then what will happen?...
Will we go to hell and ask God why the puffy feelings are gone?

How can we question things we’ve experienced…
If I’ve felt god’s love…and I know…
not just feel That God loves me and that I need Him…
How can rough times cause us to doubt so much..
And to put ourselves and our King down so much?

He cares where we spend eternity..
And wants us to enjoy life…
Which is why he created simple pleasures like dancing, friends and family…
That the devil is constantly trying to remove and hide… Coz he hates us!

“Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him most.” C.S. Lewis

Does commitment and sacrifice and suffering
come into this Christianity picture of yours?
Or is it just about miracles and comfort…
When will we get our hands dirty..
And stop focusing on our selves…
Yet take the time to stop and think about our future…
Our lives… and all we need to be to fulfill our calling

And don’t get me wrong… I am totally disgusted at your attitudes…
But I totally pity you for this misconception you’ve lived with…
For so long…

We’ll never truly understand who God is…
Which is why I think we really need to praise God…
For who He is… And not for who we think He is.

What God has given us in our lives…
Our gifts, friends and families…
Our His not ours…

And this totally takes off any pressure or burden…
My brains aren’t mine… They’re God’s…
so however I do in my O’ levels
I know He’ll be pleased because he’s seen how I’ve tried…
If I write a song or dance a dance…
They’re God’s gifts…
which I am simply giving back to Him…
Everything’s His and He is in control…

While we just float about and drift through days which feel useless..
He’s watching over..
And I’m not feeling that either…

But I know… because I guess God has given me the grace to know…
That He is there…
and I know what He’s got me through
Even if it means weeks or years of silence on His end …
in the end He always has seen me through..
And I trust that these next weeks…
which will be some of the hardest weeks of our lives…
Are His to use… and His to live…

and I’m praying for you all guys and I love you all!

You see i posted this..coz i guess i needed to hear these words i had once written again... i needed to be reminded dat it is going to be hard being a christian..but it is worth it!...

Tonight when i started praying i was bitter about the things going on in life atm...but God took that away this evening...I'm a new person who has just learnt a lesson or 2!...and if neones still reading this or not im gna go on and explain them a little coz i need to get these thoughts down.

1."Am i now trying to win the approval of men or of God? Or am i trying to please men? If i were still trying to please men i would not be a servant of Christ." Gal 1:10

There's nothing i can do that will please everyone...so the only person i'm living to please is Christ coz only he truly wants the best for me.

2.Even if i may be confused about why things happen : I Will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed. Ps 57
To put things in an achie way xD ->
Refuge: a state of safety; the condition of being protected agasint physical, social, spiritual damage.

wow..isnt it great how we can be safe in the shadow of God's wing?? until disaster has passed and we can get on with life normally again??...

3. " My heart if steadfast O God; my heart is steadfast.
I will sing and make music." Ps 57:7

Steadfast: fixed in direction; steadily directed; firm in purpose; unwavering

thats how i want to be!...unwavering in my faith! Being hot or cold but never lukewarm!! being the real me, steadily directed, no matter where i am or what time of day it is!!

4. I can do all things through christ that strengthens me...even love those that are hurting me!

So i guess since im not promising another blog anytime soon this should keep you all busy for sometime xD...Luv ya all ..Blessings...
xD my mum just walked in on me half asleep telling me to "Go to bed!!" xD..wooopss..see what blogs make u do?...type out ur thoughts till 1am! lol

if plane rides where all as meaningful...

2008-08-24T16:46:00.003+01:00

A dream last night reminded me of my blog and since i finally hav some time to spare amidst band rehearsals and going to the studio...i decided to update you all xD

So u probably all know we just came back from Soul survivor, the christian camp in england...and obviously i learnt so many things that i'll never end if i start telling you everything...so i just wanted to just let you all in on a couple of my thoughts related to the book i bought from there called "Shackles".

basically it's a biography of a woman who was abused by her dad who was an alcoholic and her mother who was very controlling and everntually by her husband who turned out to be exactly like her dad and then by her partner later on...and basically it broke my heart readin about women and children who are beaten and also verbally abused daily...whilst we live our lives and do nothing about it, letting them suffer in the shadows.
these lines really touched me and my personal life however:

"I believe it is a common survival technique that humans adopt; whenever we are hurting but have no permission to deal with our emotions we hide them underneath layers of tight covers, like the skin of an onion. It takes much time, love and patience to peel them away."

How true is that? how many of us have stopped crying infront of people becuase so many times we have been told to stop cyring and get a hold of ourselves...or to stop being babies..or something just as lame for that matter??...
the point im making is we are humans and do actually have to deal with our emotions... again...im not saying we should just mope in a sea of tears day after day without looking for solutions but neither should we hide them all the time to try be strong for someone else for example.
*hmm might have confused u all xD*
when i read that paragraph of my book i was on the plane and couldnt resist getting out my filepaper and journaling a bit...:

Thinking back I've realised
that on this trip God's taken
another layer of hurts, guilt and masks
away with Him..
and left me a free-er person.

Lke an onion, another layer of skin was removed!
So that now the real me..
the person under the layer of peel..
can be released.

Maybe there are more that have to be removed..
but i'm grateful
that i'm closer to being
the 'me' i was made to be.

it's like i knew all along
what You had planned for me
But i chose to do things
in a way that suited my pride.

little did i know that the more layers
i put on, the more layers
i'd have to take off..

thank you for having all the time in the world
all the love i'll ever need and
enough patience to see me through time and time again!

I could blab on forever but for once i'm agreeing that maybe if i write less this one point will be brought out more xD... Anyway..this wednesday we have a gig at the westin and i'm really looking forward to that..aaaand we started recording for our next [hopefully] album! =) I tried to film our rehearsals..coz there hilarious hours with sam, paul nd ivan and occasionaly mark, ben and steve xD where we write songs and practise written ones! but my camera broke!! so very sorry!

i'm gna leave u wit the end quote of the book i spoke about and my latest song which is a tad bit on the "sopy"-side.. xD but is a real cry from the bottom of my heart!

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. it is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. there is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people wont feel insecure around you. we are all meant to shine as children do. it's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. and as we let our lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to the same. as we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Lord this heart knows no other
This soul wont be satisfied.
These cracks slowly filled
Your light shining through

Take every thought, every word
make everything yours!
Humble me, break me
so my life can give glory toYou!

You broke your heart
so mine wont have to break.
You gave your life so
i can live eternally!

Take every thought, every word
make everything yours!
Humble me, break me
so my life can give glory toYou!

even through the brokennes
Even when the sun is shining bright
even if i need to scream
My song will remain..
that i love you, i love you
My one and only.

Take every thought, every word
make everything yours!
Humble me, break me
so my life can give glory toYou!

Blessings xD
xxxxxxxxx

if i had some more time i would blog properly..

2008-08-10T20:39:00.002+01:00

soooo xD havent updated u all in agess...firstly becoz of all the hype of our trip to england to Soul Survivor..which is precisely 7 hours away xD aaaa haha so lemme just update some quick details b4 i go to bed!

i hav been driven absolutely mad by family packing and stressing lol *but i wuv dem* =P
illalllu ballu infact i dont hav 5 mins to update u on my thoughts coz i hav just been given 101 jobs to do...grrr these pre-big events days at home are one day gna drive me up d wall..
Blessingss Malta..off to England
Will miss u and pray for u
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xD

If a day could have a little more time... i might learn this lesson once and for all!

2008-07-28T22:58:00.005+01:00

So lets get straight to my latest thoughts that have been developing throughout these past few days during the dance course, and the rest of my busy days juggling y4j activities and band rehearsals xD

I'm not quite sure how to put these thoughts to words without sounding pointless xD
You see..i'm the type of person who always tries to do things alone...and not ask for help...and to try [and keep trying] till i succeed, always thinking i can do this [or could have done this] better!
For example something as stupid as PCs...when i was young i would go and spend time experimenting with stuff on the PC...and den phil would come along a couple of years later and rather than trying every little thing herself and failing and trying again until she manages..she would ask me for help xD and i would gladly help her feelin proud dat i can help...

and typing this out seems really pointless but lately i realised dat since i sorta brought myself up that way..its now effecting my God-life xD...in the sense that I always want to do stuf for god but my way...and if sometimes God asks me to do stuff i'm never pleased with its standard so to speak....and i always approach god with a similar prayer like:
"i'm sorry i could have done it better but didnt"
and what i think God has been trying to tell me for the past i'm-not-sure-how-long... is that He's pleased with the way i'm doin stuff..and although he does have high standards He isn't "unpleaseable!"...so what's really hard to digest is that tonight at y4j all i kept hearin God tell me is that he's happy with who i am...he loves me and thinks i am his good and faithful servant...and although the good i sometimes do may go unnoticed by people..he sees it all...
and he isnt like us... he doesnt focus on the bad..nor is he pleased with it however...but the point is..He is pleased with me and wants me to digest the fact that He wants to love me!!!!

and i think what i really want to let you all know today is that....even though so many times people complain to do things for u...or seem to be "loving you" out of duty..God wants to love us! and He needs us to allow Him to do that!...

i couldn't [and still find it hard to] swallow that JEsus WANTS to love me.. like he wants to ta.. he doesnt moan wen he does sumting for me like my parents might... or tells me to come bak later coz he doesnt hav time wen i need sum1 to talk to.. he just wants to luv me 24/7!! nd.. u knw i just cant.. deal with it in a way.. its hard to sink in... like why God do u want to luv me?.. nd i knw God loves me and ive been knwing for like forever.. but lately.... i feel unworthy of it.. nd at every adoration and praise and mass etcetc..these thoughts bring me to tears.. and i get flashbacks of all d times ive been rejected and told "i dont hav time for u"

Last Soul Survivor... d only time i cried der was coz of this reason.. nd one time d enabling team lady told me.. "wats God telling u?".....nd i was just wobblin with my eyes closed u knw? (xD)... nd like..i said aloud.. he's telling me..he wants to luv me.. nd at that moment i burst into tears!!

So if you're thinking no1 has time for you..*brace urself for the true cliche' phrase*...God does..and not only does he have time for you but he WANTS to love you!...and i think u'll probably end up realising you want to love Him back with everything you do just as I realised but I'll let you come to that conclusion all by yourself...xD

To carry on with the "no time for antying" theme xD i'll go on just a tad bit longer about my present stresses of juggling piano, dancing, y4j, band, family, friends, future school and subjects etc... xD sometimes it all seems like too much..and i'd wish God would have given me one talent coz dat way i wont have to juggle anything i'd just focus my stength on that..but i think that he blessed me with more talents to do more for him... and so i take that as a responsibility..and i want to do everything the best way i can..which is why i end up feelin slightly stressed... coz although i know dat if God wants me to do something he'll give me the strngth to do it..its usually easier said than done..xD...so i meekly try to cast my burdens onto God believing He can give me a chilled heart..
this brings me to another mobile-poem i wrote lately...xD
first one on the new phone pls note xD

I'm being stretched out too thin..
things pullin me from all directions..
control slipping out of my fingers..
friendships;gifts left unworked on..
i cant keep myself together anymore..

how can you hold the universe in your hands?
all its problems, tragedies and mess-ups?
can it rly be you'll use my helplessness for your glory?

i'l stay here
broken; abondoning myself in your love..
In your embrace!

So although life may attempt stretching you in every direction... find out God's dream for you..set a goal and reach it..and be either hot or cold...be totally for something..or totally against it...let God be the one you fall back on when your plans don't really work out perfectly and let Him use every little part of you to the full...xD
*mini sermon ended*
The family calls me to bed since its late..but i felt like blogging glee xD..lemme read if wat i wrote makes sense and i will leave you all..
Blessings
xxxxxxxxx

If my true testimony had to be written..

2008-07-17T11:11:00.008+01:00

So i was meant to come down from St. Pauls Bay, which is where we live in summer, to babysit..but on my way down my mum calls and says she cancelled and doesnt need me..so i get to spend a day in san gwann since i dont think there's anyone at exiles and since there are no buses to get me there anyway i'l just stay home...
i already washed the car; and looked at photos of my social which i hadn't had chance to see; and prayed..etc..xD...
ooo btw i will try use correct spelling and maybe even some punctuation since my english-teacher uncle moaned about my spellin and grammar on my blog last time i met him haha (Shout out to uncle danny..i mean Uncle Danny xD =P)
insomma i missed blabbing all my thoughts to you people so once again here comes a long post probably..
i flicked through my journals this morning...and read this..

Lord i dont mind hurting

coz hurts can be healed..

i'm not worried about insults

because they can be forgiven.

Even death cannot scare me

because I'm going to rise to new life...

But loneliness Lord,

I wish it were a problem

because it would have a solution

but it's a state..

that i doubt i'll ever manage to change on the inside.

"You're never alone coz I am with you...for all eternity."

I don't need to understand why..

i'll just cling on to Your promises

yet surrender to You and believe You'll get me through.

once again...i didn't type this out for pity but so that i can explain myself a bit better and so that if anyone's ever felt the same it might give them some comfort knowing that we probably have all felt this way before...

You see although many of us are surrounded by people that love us most of the time..we often isolate ourselves and keep all our thoughts to ourselves making us feel lonely and perhaps unloved! we often concentrate on the bitter words..the offensive comments and the negative thoughts that get shouted at us day in day out...and we tend to wollow in a sea of hurts and loneliness without thinkin of the most simple yet complicated way out of all this!!!

and the "simple yet complicated" way out is actually talking to someone! letting people know what we feel even if it might be embarassin or perhaps humbling since we all try act the macho xD people wont think you're pitying yourself or like beggin for attention if u just tell them u need to blab out some thoughts...and for that matter neither would God...i think He loves it when we do blab everything out actually even though He knows what's going on!

You see sometimes my bed-time prayers would look like this:

A day full of events..You were there

Am I keeping You to myself..sharing?

Helping out? Or making things worse?

It's official I'm a teenager

I think deep thoughts and

even get offended easily.

Often, I'm confused...

(xD *laughs at her own prayer-poem that she wrote a year ago)

Sometimes I wish I had control

over things that make friends hurt..

Or the words to comfort them..

Some more time to spend with them

Praying without quick answers

I'm so impatient..my insides..

it feels they're being ripped apart between.. wanting to help and to be helped..

to cry and to let people cry on my shoulder..

to hurt and to let them share their hurts..

Why do we hide?...Uncovering wont stop the pain...I promise...

but it will help.

and other times they were abit more creative and they would end up a song like "Tear it down"..which was actually a journal entry that i ended up butchering and editing until it turned into a song xD

But you see guys..i think one thing i learned when i hurt is that..other people who seem to be OK are hurting too...and by knowing that we can be more of help to each other..You see sometimes i catch myself saying words to help people only because i want to hear those words myself..but occasionly the only person to actually tell you.."It's going to be OK" and "we'll make it together"..is God! I truly believe only He can help this broken world!

So finally my conclusion is that although i had days where i didn't love living and i didn't look forawrd to a new day... as drained as I may feel God remains. Pouring out thoughts helps but God never promised everything would be fine. So through our little suffering-moments I honestly believe God will take us to newer levels..deeper perhaps a more complex level of our relationship with Him!

And the times when we're on spiritual "high"s..haha xD... i suggest writing those down too so that they'll help you carry on in harder times! xD

(you know..it feels like I keep saying the same thing..and gettin nowhere..but this is my current wavelength since i'm lookin back at the up-and-down journeys I had during school u ekk to get throught these O levels successfully..so I guesss I;m just sharing lol)..So not only when things were hardish but also when things seemed to be plain-sailing I found myself getting lost in a world of God's revelations to me!...

(my prayer in the beginning of this year xD)..

Did i ever let you know how cool i think You are?

If i were born 80 years ago..I would have given You a better description..

Something posh, long and meaningful..

But tonight... I wanna tell you..

You're the coolest person I've ever known

and the most powerful God there will ever be!

You never end, You help me when I'm needy

And these simple cliche' descriptions..

they seem to say exactly what I feel! xD

You're great God..
and i say this with the happy, innocent heart

of a five-year old who's just found out something new!

God's answer to me was equally amsuing xD :

You'll be my love forever..You wont get out of mind

You're written on the palm of my hand..

I tihink you're fab and you're nowhere near perfection

so we have a journey ahead of us...

of highs and lows to go through..

projects and hassles to pull through..

But i'll be here..i love you..

do you hear?

so this brings me to the end of this blog xD...and i gots no more to say xD..except with God by my side this year has been more bearable and worth living..and that is my true testimony!

Blessings to all xD

(if anyone's still not bored of me u can read the poem i wrote right after the previous prayer xD..it was on the y4j forum once...so i'm just pasting it incase u feel like a longer read xD)

11/03/2008

Do you hear me when i say 'i love you'?

I wonder.. if you did..will you stop

Harming yourself, putting downall that you are?

If you knew..I loved you, would you perhaps

realise you can be you, no one else?

You'd know deep down you were worth my life,

and you'd live like a precious treasure

knowing your value; love and confidence

an overflowing result of this.. If only

You'd let me love you.. comfort you..

in the middle of the darkest night

you'd stay with me.. i'd stay with u

so you'd believe i love you

coz i really do.. do you hear?

Can i shout it louder than the way i did?

I hung.. humbled, helpless.. hoping You

would say you loved me too..

so we could spend eternity together..

and i could share All i've got with you...

so you wont have to hurt or cry anymore,

without my hands collecting each tear before

it hit the ground with a crash..

accept my love...forgiveness..

let my comfort and peace be with you tonight..

let me be with You..

be still and know that

I Am God.

If any of u were wondering...scroll to d bottom xD

2008-07-01T22:35:00.003+01:00

the whole house is asleep..and i get some time to myself in the quietness and dark of the night *english essay title lol*...once again im feelin hot and sticky..but im quite in d mood of writing out some thoughts

so today we played basketball at night and like it was rly funny coz d ball blended in perfectly with the ground since it was so dark..so many times someone would throw the ball to me and i'd think im about to catch it but it smacks me in the face coz i don't see it coming..and it made me think how in this world stuff is thrown at us and like sin is camouflaged by the world and then after a while of us thinking we're surviving nd doing fine it smacks us right across the face and leaves us hurting..just like the ball did.. xD*d smiley is because i'm remembering the ball smacking me in d face xD*

this morning when i opened my bible b4 d-group (big wave to my dgroup buddies dat i wuv so much)... i read this..

"i served the Lord with great humility
and with tears...
however i consider my life worth nothing to me,
if only i may finish the race and complete the task
the Lord Jesus has given me -
the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace." (Acts 20:19-35)

many things hit home...first of all that he served the Lord "with tears"...
it gave me hope u knw?..dat wen i feel im doin the right thing but it hurts i'm not alone..when i serve and dont get appreciated i'm not alone... and even though i might have to do things with tears in my eyes and a heavy heart... i'm ready to go to any extreme to serve the Lord! xD

this reminds of the harder parts of my year which is usually January to like April.. the New Year always seems to hav more stresses and hurdles dan d previous one..and every year February and March greet me with mid-yearly exams and the lenten talks...
now school exams aren't usually too stressful for me..but Lenten Talks..dats another thing!
u see at home things get rly stressful since lots of things get left to the last minute to be done..and der'll be people at home 24/7...nd i go mad after a day or 2!... and its during these times in d past years dat i cried myself to sleep at night needing Someone greater to see the real-not-always-happy-and-ready-to-serve me...
i always used to end up drained after the week... nd feelin as though im left attention-less and energy-less..
so this year i braced myself..i knew d hard time was coming with mocs and the lenten talks a week after and a piano exam dat week... and i was sure i wouldnt crack under the pressure this year..i was older and i cud keep everything in for one week..i'd smile my way thru the one hour sessions... try to pray and be real..and be friendly..and the rest of the stuff a perfect Christian Girl would do...

i remember like 2 or 3 yrs ago i wrote this chorus to get thru the lenten talks..:

i'm willing to hurt if You'll help them
I'm ready to stretch if you'll save them
I'm promising to change if You'll cleanse them
I'm trying to love if You'll lift them up

now when i look back at that stanza atm..i'm not sure if it was just a selfless prayer or a take-the-problems-of-the- world- on-my -shoulder..sort of prayer..
see..i'm not sure if ur all thinking im wacko atm..but im trying to express these weird thoughts but words aren't coming..
you see to me it was d week that came every year where i had to give all i had..the week i had to share d most intimate things i had..the closest things to my heart dat i enjoyed keeping to myself...
i had to share my parents..my home..all my time...and give love to everyone which i knew only God would provide me with..and although i fully understood dat only Jesus can keep me going and keep me filled wit this love i knew i had to give my heart still managed to crack every year....so you see when i ended up crying this February i wrote this poem out of pure helplessness as perhaps a more honest cry from my heart sorta prayer...

another year went by
i'm one year older
i should be a couple of
steps infront...

i'm in the same place
been here 2 years running...
thought i grew up..
became independent

but i just want to run,
hide,be alone...but
i need someone to love me

this feeling's too familiar
bitter hurts, sour tears,
cheesy freindships, fleetin days...
where smiles are rare
and people aren't fair..

you may be wondering what i'm gettin at...or how long i'll keep on going on wat seems to be a huge pity party...but wat i'm trying to say is dat..it was during these times dat i can truly say i served God thru tears and even wen it hurt..and i know dat i'll be rewarded for it..so wen it seems dat all d good u do gets unnoticed and is done in vain..dont lose heart..becoz God appreciates it wen we serve Him with our tears..and the prayers we cry in our dryest of moments are the ones dat God is most pleased with! so even though i failed to keep eveything together..God still kept me in His arms as the helpless broken girl i was!

another thing is dat many times we keep looking forward to the future coz we think its more important and offers us more opportunitys..and we forget to live the moment..for example we'll be dyin to be in form 5..nd den wen we leave school we're dyin to get to sixth form (well ok maybe not xD) but u get muypoint?..and like dat we end up not living our form 5 days d best as we could...(yaaaq whyd i use school to explain myself??)...

lol..so like i encourage u not to wait till like school starts again..or till soul survivor..or like next year...this part of ur life is important..this week..this day..this hour..they all have a purpose!! and we have to use all d time we get like cleverly xD forseeing the consequences of our every action and also d good.. i knw im gettin preachy but like..ive also been thinking about how we sometimes we live the moment for the rush of feelin good instantly...and den in d long run we realise it rly did us harm..but we keep repeatin the act neway for d little pleasure it gives us..nd we close our eyes to the eternal sorta consequences it brings along wit it..*confused yet?xD*

gettin back to wat i was saying b4..i just remembered how last summer..wen we came back from soul survivor..i had an argument with someone..and i got rly frustrated nd upset..nd i wrote this song dat most of u knw..

The still ocean, the mighty mountains
Show Your glory.
Day after day, the radiant skies,
they make You known throughout all the earth.

Chorus:

I wil praise You with my tears
with my hurts, with my cries
I will love you and lift you higher,
When I laugh, when I smile.
I will worship you, everyday.

Verse 2:
Though the darkness clouds my vision
I will seek You
You’re my comfort, you’re my shelter
My heart cries out to know You more.

you see this year i decided dat i wud worship God with every tear dat fell..and with every hurt i had...coz i figured dat way i'd honestly be worshiping God in spirit and in truth... and like alot too..*sounding emo-fied xD but vera lol*... nd this song was like the way i offered all my tears to God..nd so i wish ud all do the same..to use every moment of ours to d full..to worship God..with every little emotion, feelin and action of ours...
so like rather than thinking of d stuff we shudnt do and we shud stop doing..lets focus on doing stuff..lets focus on gettin our hands dirty, and giving till it hurts..and worshiping God with all that we have!! xD
well i just went round in circles in this blog but at least it may hav entertained a couple of u for a while xD...i will leave u on a lighter note with a weird "poem" if u can call it dat lool.. Blessings...enjoy xD

if any of you were wondering....how long it takes me to write a blog..
it taks 1 hour. *today it actually took 45 minutes but usually it takes longer xD*

if any of you wer wondering... where they come from...
its from my brain coz i "stay thinking" as Rob nd some others guys know xD

if any of you wer wondering why i blog...
its coz my head cant contain all my thoughts...*or else it will expand so much id be knocking u all over when i walk..xD*

if any of you were wondering why i always blog at midngiht...
its coz dats wen my brain runs wild and free and works best with no distractions

if any of you were wondering why i'm so open with everyone
its coz i just dont care anymore and coz i belive there are no rewards if der are no risks..

if any of you were wondering why i think white chocolate is the best...
its coz my taste buds just know it is...

if any of you were wondering why i love skittles
i think ur mad coz its xtremely obvious why i love them!

if any of you were wondering how many hours a week i play piano
it ranges from 5 hrs to 30 hrs..

if any of you were wondering why i'm a noiseaholic..
just meet my family!

if any of you were wondering why i dont wear makeup a lot..
its coz i dont wanna hide my natural beauty,,

if any of you were wondering why i have the friends i do..
its coz dey waste so much time reading rubbish like this
that i just feel like a genious around them!

*lol xcuse d lameness i was bored wen i wrote this xD*

If something everlasting exists...

2008-06-24T21:53:00.008+01:00

Hello again bloggers xD the study is the hottest room of the house and so im not very encouraged by the weather to blog and spend time on the pc hehe but neways my last blog is getting old so i will update u all on my brain and thoughts..
so a few days ago i was a bit confused.. like i wanted to be passionate about the things i do..but like...well im not sure how i can explain this but i just wanted to feel something extreme..like either extreme compassion or extreme boldness ... u knw how?.. i just wanted to feel im giving 100% or gettin 100%...nd i sorta wrote this..

i want to have the heart of a poet..
but the strength of an athlete...

the boldness of a bully
but the passion of a song..

the perseverence of a little child
but the strong head of a teen..

the trusting spirit of a healed person
but the wisdom of an old man...

the fighting spirit of a warrior
but the peace of a slow-running stream..

so u see..i wanted something extreme...but then i sorta realised that i couldnt have it alone..xD *how highly confused are you?*..well neways..dats wen i realised only God can be totally in touch wit His feelings yet still strong..and totally merciful but totally just..nd although i do usually find it hard to wrap my little brain around such confusing matters..i think it does make sense.. and it makes me stand in awe of God if u knw wat i mean..

thinking about it.. we all strive for somethin extreme, something eternal...somethin that will last and truly be wat it claims to be! for example so many of us strive to be the prettiest; the skinnyest; or most popular..becoz we imagine having so much good {to an extreme} will satisfy us..but lets get real..nothing in this world rly satisfies us wen we're in one of those deep, pissy moods xD..
i mean i'm sure all of u hav had loved ones say "i'll always be there" and den they just weren't or maybe they were..but without the right words to say...or else you've experienced something the world portrays as good or normal.. and u find out its not so amasing...

digging into my own life story yet again..i think i went thru wat many of us did..not only girls..
i had my cry-when-i -stare-into-the-mirror days..and i disliked myself for some time too..and reduced wat i ate...(no i never rly turned anorexic or nething but i guess i hav my family to thank becoz der such food lovers i wouldnt hav been able to spend a day without being forced to eat!)... i guess it was a way i showed i was thirsty for love in the most discrete way ever u knw?..like i wudnt eat as much as i used to.. thinkin dat maybe someone would realise and let me knw im loved for wat i am nd not wat i hav to become!
well for all those like dat...der is someone who's realising ur hurting even if u may be crying out for love in a different way nd ders no1 to realise ur need...I wish i could let u all know how real it is dat wenever ur crying uself to sleep god's crying wit u..nd wenever ur wishing u had a differnt life or family or friends..God's der wit u saying.."only i can see the big picture..but for now i'll hurt with you coz i know wat its like to be misunderstood and taken forgranted and rejected..."..

so i remember one time after a couple of weeks of playing with my food and thinking i wasnt thin/nice/ watever enough.. i went into the bathroom for a shower..and i had had a pretty tough week..nd i had looked in the mirror and started crying..not becuase i tot i was ugly or nething dat dramatic..but becoz at that moment i realised i wasnt living my life the way God planned me to live it.. nd i cried and prayed "God i knw i might not love myself atm..but i knw dat with ur stength i can start living my life normally the way i used to without focusing on me so much but turning all my thoughts and decisions to you!"....i remember dat day my shower was like a total "baptism"..xD.. like i was gna start over..
nd i think GOd wants us to start over more often..since starting over is always better dan procrastinating and saying we'll fix things 2moro..well here's a song i later wrote for some people i knew who were battling with food and luving themselves.. (wit d help of a special someone xD)

Verse 1:
I don’t deserve to see
the beuaty of a flower,
Will I ever be
good enough for you to love?

I can’t forgive myself
if I’m just no good.
Will I ever be
thin enough to accept?

Pre-Chorus:
And what about me?
What about me?
The me inside
Who should I believe?

Chorus:
Coz there’s a monster inside,
Telling me I’m worthles,
Tears come; it just laughs
its way through my life.
How long will I keep believing,
This lying monster, monster inside?

Verse 2:
Scared of losing friends,
Coz of gaining weight.
Why do the wrongs in me,
Outnumber my rights?

My heart is hurting still,
Coz of that last comment you passed.
I’m self destructive,
Just longing to fit in.

Chorus
Coz there’s a monster inside,
Telling me I’m worthles,
Tears come; it just laughs its way through my life.
How long will I keep believing,
This lying monster, monster inside?

Bridge:
And I long for that day
When I can praise You
For I am fearfully and wonderfully made! x2

Chorus 2:
Coz there’s Jesus right here,
Now I know I’m worth it
Tears come; He wipes away all my fears
When can I stop adoring
My loving Saviour, Jesus my Lord?

so bak to wat i said b4..if nothing in this world can satisfy us..r we all screwed?..nd u obviously all know my answer..xD..and dat is that d only thing dat ever actually "satisfied" me is God..(although the word "satisfied" is not a very good description for wat i mean)..but ill save my sermons for another time..nd il go on revealing a bit more about me xD..

nd all this leaves me wandering if nething in this world (apart from God duuh) xD ..ever lasts forever
i mean seriously..if neone can finish off this simile i'l be rly impressed..

"As never-ending as......."

any suggestions?..xD..neways this is another one of those reasons i find myself needing God.. here's a song i sorta wrote..which doesn't look too much like a song when typed out but actually has quite a cool tune once its played on d piano...still i'll share xD:

In this world everything ends

every little thing

every little thing ends

But Your love it stays forever,forever

You're everlasting; You never change

Your love is strong, yes it remains

Yesterday,today, the same...

You're everlasting!

so this comes to another part of my life which is a bit tricky..the fact that my dad's always coming and going to libya and so even my family is always changing.. sometimes it feels like he's gna be away forever..or dat if he was it wud reduce the heartache...but then when i think thoughts like dat i cant help but feel very nasty... still..its hard to get used to my dad being around one week and den suddenly cope without him for the next week..but be ready to include him into my life the week after...and so on... And its a situation dat cannot rly be changed if u knw wat i mean?..coz like is he gna stop working? or live in libya? coz either way things wud just get worse.. So solutions are pretty pointless since der isnt rly one...

so i just cling on to God and i think he rly does help me get thru d times wen i feel torn apart...and well i must mention all the friends and ppls dat hav helped me even just put things into proportion when i feel dat with my dad figure coming and going my world is falling to pieces...

well ill expand on this topic some other time.. xD (rob why did u make me start a blog? xD)..now i feel i hav so much more to let u all in on ..but ul hav to wait till another time coz im hot and sleeppy xD..

so guys cling onto ur heavenly- everylasting- fulfilling- Father up in heaven and know dat he's madly in love with you and waiting for u to run back into his arms saying.. "i'm here knowin dat u knw d besst way for me to live my life..so pls show me wat to do!"...

luv ya all! Blessings

If you get to the end...give urself a tap on d back xD

2008-06-18T21:46:00.005+01:00

Hey all.. so first of all i wanna tell you all that your comments and messages and msn conversations about my last blog were all very encouraging! xD so thanks loadsss for them all...
like seriously it showed me how wen im honest i can actually help others or at least show ppls who i really am and help myself..xD..*haha i might say rubbish coz at night i just stay thinking and now im blogging instead of journaling lol*
(today i showed drea my many prayer journals dat date back to 2002 i realised..coz she msged me while i was stretching coz she was in my road and so she came up to my room while i stretched and i showed her my dressies and my journals haha)

and thinking about my journals istra...der rly helpful.. coz thing is..i hav some rly depressing entries and like i was young ta wen i wrote them!
so lemme brief u about how i got close to God and how my prayer journals are so important to me.. xD
so basically i decided i wanted to be a chirstian wen i was 8 since my parents always had meetings going on at home and used to organise little prayer meetings for teenagers at our house u ekk..and dey used to go to gozo every summer like..nd one time in gozo on my 8th bday... i stayed for der meeting and like sang d songs with them and rly decided in my heart alone dat i wanted to follow God like..nd from den on i started praying like..or trying to insomma...

nd after a year or two i sorta "established" a daily prayer time with God wer i wud blab and let out everything and be honest with God.. and basically i was quite an emotional young little kid xD...nd like i used to (and still do) overthink things a bit..so like little things would rly hurt me u knw how?..and i dnt used to let neone in on them..and at d end id burst one time...neone out der like me?..
for example wen our family used to go walking my dad wud walk wit my bro and my sis wud walk wit my mum and i used to just walk alone and feel all rejected..(i mean how emo was i?..but these little thigns used to hrut me)..nd i wud never admit dey hurt me..nd like i dnt think i ever felt understood becoz of d fact dat my mum was d yougnest..like my sister and my dad was d eldest like my brother so i felt my parents understood my siblings..but not me..

other thigns dat bothered me were the fact that we always had youths at home..nd to me it felt like "competition" for my parents..becoz many ppls wud come and talk to my parents about der problems and stuff...so sometimes i used to feel like my problems wer not important enough to bother my parents with them..which is how i became a very closed person whos not very open about my feelingss...buuuut im working on that..
moving on.. so in my "emotional-feelingrejected" times the only "friend" i wud hav is God..becoz i thought my problems wer too small for my parents..and i cudnt tell my friends dat my parents focus more on youths dan me coz den dey wouldnt want to come to y4j and dey wouldnt meet jesus and i wud ruin der chacne of meeting God!!! and so i took the weight of saving the world on my shoudlers and kept everything to myself...only lettin everything out to God every night whilst crying myself to sleep...thinking no1 in this world understands me..

(obviously i was a happy kid ta..but im just relating the tough times xD)
i had written this one time...*this is d time u all think im emo xD*

always felt i had to earn
every little thing i achieved or got..
i had to compete for love..
my brother and sister were not the only competition

i was a young girl
in the bigworld
wanting love and attention

but how could i compete with the problems, needs and time of 100 other teenagers
all beating me...
all ahead of me
when it came to problems, methods of communicating them and gettin the attention..

on the sideline i watched
while life zoomed passt me
i tried to be grateful..
isnt that wat i was meant to do
as the perfect chirstian girl?

so i strived for love and attention
all methods failing
how was i meant to know
that starving myself, hurting myself and sacrificing myself
would never work?

i had lost it all
i had nothign else to lose
no one told me it would never work
i was young...helpless..
in need of someone's caring hug..
u promised to carry me in your arms
forever...
but u never said anyone else would...

im saying all this coz i think many of us feel similar like..that nobody understands them and dey hav no1 dey can be totally honest too ... so im here to share my solution..
i became a friend of God..and basically i wud read my bible since i was quite a bookworm at a young age xD..nd i wud try see how dat applies to my life and situation atm..nd wen i re-read these journal thingys..i realise how wen i used to write down a certain problem..nd den open my bible..i used to get answers! real answers! answers from God! Someone who understood me!
so i wud cry with God../knowing he was der with me and dat better times wud come..
sometimes i wud pray hopeless prayers.. like :
"i'm hurting lord..im lonely..pls embrace me and heal my wounds..i know these feelings i hav may be all lies...but even tho i feel unloved i know im precious to the King of the universe.. but i wanna be precious to people too! not just shallow with everyone..i need ppls to know im hurting..".....nd i wud ramble on like dat to God..nd it truly does help! hence im encouraging u all to be real and genuine to God even wen it soudns like moanin..but be open to his help..even if its not the way u wud hav expected it!

but from hind-site i see dat...it was partly my fault that i remained alone..becoz i wudnt open up easily..(and altought im still a bit like dat today..i hav highly improved...- im saying dat coz i wanna be real and show u all dat im still not 100% made whole yet but i really believe that Gods helping me out of this)...so i wud keep everything to myself and it does eat u up inside!! *bettinas sure many of us feel like this wen we hide things*...

well i cud go on forever relating little thigns dat hurt me..nd little words form God dat encouraged me..but basically i think a major turning point was wen i realised God loved me unmasked..and he wanted me to be vulnerable to the world!
thats wen i started developing my songwriting..and wen i wrote "unmasked"..and "tear it down"...i wud type the lyrics out coz i enjoy writing but this posts loong man already! xD
so sometime il show dem to u (but most of u hav dem)

well now im grateful for the hard times wer all i had was GOd..becoz its how i became so close to him and its why i hav such a passion about the bible.. becoz der was a time in my life when those wer the only things dat kept me going..my only companions..nd dey helped! but god did give us friends too! so dont be afraid to be open to people..coz in the end we're all broken people!! and dats ok!! becoz dats why Jesus saved us and made us whole! xD
God gives us the joy and strength we need to go on everyday!! * laughs at the mini-sermon she has just typed out xD**laughs again becoz she is talking about herself in d 3rd person*

so im here to say..Be Real..showing who u are doesnt make u emo...and being always happy isnt necessarily real life! Jesus wept! Jesus suffered so dat we wont hav to suffer alone! He;s carrying us coz we're so broken!.. i will leave u with this quote im learning this week:

"Humble Yourselves before the Lord
and HE will lift You up"
(stress on He will lift you up..nd u dont need to do nething about it..think about it. When God uses us its Him lifting us up and not us doin nething..so dat removes all d stress of it xD)
Insomma..i wonder if this post made sense..or if uve reached the end but haha o well
Luv ya all
Blessings from your work-in-process friend
xxxxxxxxxx

If yesterday was ne different today wud be so different!

2008-06-15T22:33:00.000+01:00

i wrote this a couple of days back..and thought i'd share..

8-6-08

It’s the now…
not the yesterday or the last year
That counts...

It’s the now
God’s not bothered about what you were
Or who you were a couple of months back
He’s interested in the now

Whether the past was so much cleaner
Or so much worse you shouldn’t think about it…
It’s the now that matters…
Previous good deeds and prayers
Selfish acts and greedy behaviours..

They dissolve when God’s around and
The now is all that matters
And only you have control over the now

Maybe your past was affected by others..
But the now…
You can change it and make a difference..

Past acts wont save you or damn you
Where you’re standing now might…

insommaaa basically i think we're all lookin at life a bit differently since last saturdays meetin..and i mean dats rly great!..but im encouraging all of us to keep this fire lit..and not to let it die by d winds and currents of this world that will try pull us down and keep us away from God..so yesterday was quite a hard day emotionally.. like i had abda arguments with my family all morning and i ended up crying at lunch..(N.B. i havent cried infront of my family since like forever)..but im glad i did..i dnt want neone thinking im macho anymore u knw?..im gna be really real!..nd although i dnt let neone knw why i was crying..it felt good being real...

insomma den i ended up bitter all afternoon..remembering past events dat hurt me and scarred my life...words and feelings returned to me and i was a ball of emotions..i prayed b4 i went to y4j but still i knew dat dat evening during praise i had to give evrything to God and like hav a healing/crying session xD...and insomma as others hav said maria vadia was amasing nd did actually bring Gods excitement back to us all i wud say!..
basically at a time she mentioned dat ppls with digestive problems wer gan be healed..nd i had to raise my hand..nd basically she prayed on me..nd like first she was saying like "jesus come..blablabla"..and in my brain i was like doubtin u knw how?.. but den i decided i hav to belive...so i started saying jesus i believe ur gna heal me thank you thank you thank you...and as soon as i thought dat she like said "thank you jesus"..and moved to d next person..nd i was like wow..nd i burst out crying..nd like enjoyed God's presence u knw?..

nd deeen she asked if neone was betty..nd like der wer 3 bettys and bascially she started praying on one of us bettys haha..nd like i tot ah ok she was talking about her..but wat she prayed rly struck me...

"God is pleased with you my good and faithful servant.."..
and not to sound big headed like..but i rly felt god saying it to me at dat moment...*not only coz im also betty xD*..but hekk i just...knew God was addressing me at that time..*hard feelin to describe
but neway =P

*Paul go away xD =P haha*

so as i cried..all these thoughts and feelings wer coming to me u knw?..all my hurts wer leaving and i knew it..and God was pleased with my work and was giving me the strength to keep living for him!..and also..xD..haha big news.. : I'M SHITTING!!

hahahaha i had to say that coz i truly believe im healed and my digestive system is back to normal..(haha i shat 2 times ta today!! i used to shit like once a week haha..so yup God healed my weird sickness i tink..i knw acutally)

insomma den after d meeting i walked down to bs with the polish ppls dat visited..nd i spent all the walk talking to gabriella..nd i realised we're rly lucky to hav eachother and like y4j..and i mean such a peaceful country wit friends all around us!..*shout out to gabriella and micheal whom we are all enjoying driving mad with our loud malteseness xD*

so newaaaay lol den i came home dat night all happy and on the clouds..(and this post is rly long but wat d hell its summer u shud all hav time to read it xD) and i couldnt sleep haha so i got my phone and typed this out://

i havent felt so full of peace
and yet so hurt and let down in one day
like this before

the morning was full of tears..bitterness, hurts, wounds left unseen to...
and it was as if you wer the only one
keeping me up..

but self pity sat comfortably in my heart
and althought i knew you were with me
i hurt too bad to forget and forgive..

but this evening you gave me the grace and strength
to be at peace once more
you totally took over and filled me up
so high...
i cried and overflowed

somehow i knew it was your healing touch
that was changing me
spiritually and physically...
thank you!..
is it enough?..xD
I Love You God!! xD

haha dats d end for now! xD..blessings and luv to all..haha how nice i got this allllll off my chest! xD wihtout interruptions from family haha *but with interruptions from achie and paul and drea haha but i luv dem neway =P* haha
tataaaaa
Bettinaaaaa
*on seoncd thoughts der all evil!!!!*

If our life's page was as blank as this one...

2008-06-08T22:08:00.000+01:00

so i'm staring at this blank screen infront of me..and i'm in this mega pensive mood..so i will bless u with some thoughts and reflections of mine xD...

so like i dnt knw..if our life's page was as blank as this one how would we live it? how would we write it? i mean lately all that matters to me is having fun and all i tink about is how im gna fill my next day with activities to keep me busy and entertained..nd im thinkin..is der something wrong with that mentality?..isnt it like rly shallow?...(or am i simply over thinking things for a chnage? xD)

i mean just think for a few seconds about all those ppls who hav absolutely nothing possession-wise..and all those who have everything...and still der r d rich empty unhappy ones..nd d poor empty unhappy ones....and d poor happy ones and d rich happy ones...and happiness i mean wat is dat?..its not why we're alive...becoz if we wer always meant to be happy i belive jesus would always hav been happy and he certainly wasnt...all he did was keep his father happy..so shouldnt dat be our life's goal too?..to keep our Father happy..becoz after all He created us and knows what will make us happy!..

*feels like she got a weird balla off her stonku*..*nd now re-reads her sentence and realises shes a total pepe!*

insomma so lately i wrote this..and found a pretty tune for it..basically im thinking..we all procrastinated a bit during o levels..thinking in summer we'll hav laods of time and get bak to our quiet times and rly get close to God and get fit and blablabla (all those other promises we made to ourselves)...which hav all ended up like new years resolutions...not being fulfilled..and jsut being airy fairy thoughts dat we never put to action..*maaa*

so like im not sure how this song is related actually but here it is..sum thoughts from God xD:

Are your hearts too hard to take it in?
you have eyes...but can't you see?
You hav ears can't you hear?
Don't you remember...anything at all?

chorus:
what about the 5,000 i fed?
what about the blood that i shed?
i've healed ppl with one touch
for you i gave so much..
why can't you see clearly?

Don't you understand even yet?
Scattered sheep; lost souls; once for all
you were sent looking for...
something to fulfill..your empty core..

chorus:
what about the 5,000 i fed?
what about the blood that i shed?
i've healed ppl with one touch
for you i gave so much...
why can't you see clearly?

.....anwaaaayss...if uve managed to get to d end of my blog..*well done! xD*...il be glad to inform u dat il contiue spillin some other time..i mean like d thing dat happened at exiles..illa ive thought of so many "morals of the story"..dat like il need to write a book about dat incident xD..but for now il let u live...
im gna go read my bible and think about things dat matter and not thigns dat pls me for d moment...lets get back to God ppls..i think..actually i'm sure..its d only way we can change the world..
Blessingsss

If I had come home on time...xD

2008-06-03T10:08:00.001+01:00

haha..ok all my blog titles will begin with "if" from now on..(not dat i promise many blogs but anyway =P)
so i got grounded..how funny is dat??..considering no1 in my family ever got grounded.. lol.. so i came home a bit b4 midnight..nd apparently i wasnt meant to on a weekday..*but did my mum ever tell me this? of course not lool*...and like my key dnt open d front door..*becoz sam locked it from inside nd our door's mad* nd i had to wake up my mum!! hence more trouble lol...nd so i got grounded haha
and like since im not at home a lot i get blamed for nething dat happens wen im not around lol

for example: xD sum1 bit a bounty and left it upstairs open...nd it got infested with ants...*obviously*..and i got d blame..but like dude i wouldnt hav left half a bounty chocolate uneaten on my desk im not daft!! xD
sooo if i had come home on time i wudnt hav been wriitng this stupid blog becoz i wud be gettin ready to go to sliema and "dye" my hair blonder with lemons, eggs and cinammon and my luvly friends lilly and beppe hahaha

newaaays haha summers been good.. now my plans are..to call d creche and ask wen i can go help... to call my piano teacher and ask wen i can go for lessons..nd to start a ballet class again after d ballet exams finish....
*gets out list of otehr things she must do in summer* :

Hav a romantic walk with elaine xD
play playstation at beppe (haha yey i can tick this one coz i played...he has a very cute family ta..nd an out of tune piano xD)
get fit..(i plan on stretching today at night wen its a bit cooler xD)
play piano (..haha well this is easy..ive written like 2 songs this summer..yes in these past few days lol..im luving pianotime...il show u all my songs one time wen u come over xD)
babysit..(ive been meaning to call my aunts to go help maa i forgot!)
visit school..(iiiiiii dorotheans...we hav to do our walk ta! xD)
write letters...(woooops...feeliin lazy and havent started writing letters to all my luvly friends xD..i will eventaully..and i hav to do schoolleavings as well!!)

haha dat was my list dat i made in class...but der wer more like..hook up with a tourist..and like cook pumpkin soup (luv ya el =P)...and like make a cold winter party in an airconditioned room xD...haha newaaaayy.....

i am currently missing zoe and achie because i havent seen dem for a whole day! xD...nd i miss all my doretheans specially drea..(who i had a date wit)..,el, d twins, nd kim (who i spent a day at ghadira with)...nikky, max and lilly..(who i...saw a film wit yesterday? haha and met at ghadira last time xD)...nd insomma all my other lovers dat i miss while i stay home being groudned lool*sayin dat sounds so wierd*

wat a shallow blog..dnt wry i will honour u all with my reflections another time but for now just keep tuned in to GOd...*becoz he wuuuvv uuuuu nd we'll only be happy wen we live for him xD*

Bet d cool (=P brooks nd paul)

If there's ever a need...

2008-04-21T19:50:00.000+01:00

lol..so i never liked blogs..but i created one by mistake..as i was trying to write on the fivefreinds one...so now its here..nd i dnt plan on updating it much..but if i ever need a blog its here lool.. *im so funny*..coz no1s gna knw about this..xD..but neways..it might be fun in summer..wen i hav nothing to do..but not for now lool..
blessingsss

Im not starting a blog!

Phyllis & Bertie taking off

52- Week Project

Old Fashioned Splash of Thoughts

Latest Music

You

Weather Report

Dustpile!

SONG DOWNLOADS!

Time is Running =)

I Fight Poverty

Donut anyone?

Venturing the last bit of Vienna

Venturing Vienna Part 2

Venturing Vienna Part 1

Uber excited packing!

Pre-Vienna Blog Transformation :)

If this Physics exam could pass fast...

If rain had a song...

If I kept it simple

If you could find me...

(If) It works!

If it works...

If I revealed SUPER JOTTER PAD

If I could just write one more...

If barefoot...

If I could kill mosquitoes :)

If I can smile at a mirror...

If the Children could Sing...

If Somewhere, Something and Someone have my name on it.

If I blame myself for failing, am I blaming myself for succeeding?

If I could love and give back what I have...

If there is a song...

If that's why He came...

If we could breathe air again...

If everyday was a new day...

If I'm patient in the wind...

If my Nanna could read blogs...

If August could come back around...

If what is down in the well will come up in the bucket...

If you need topics to think about....

If it...

If Behind The Scenes were exposed...

If you need a light break...

If I stand here lifting empty hands...

If ne one has anymore ideas...

If mina doesn't have copyright.. xD

If i felt like..

If the world could hear The Crisis...

If all days could be so pensive I'd write a book...xD

If i were at the centre of it...

If I had to write about someone i know well....

If I had to tear down "Tear It Down" ...

If you had to flick through my journals nd thoughts...

If i can no longer live and He can live in me...

If I had a good tune to sing...=)

If I belong…

If not to offer answers, to let you know you’re not alone…

If I can love those that are hurting me...

if plane rides where all as meaningful...

if i had some more time i would blog properly..

If a day could have a little more time... i might learn this lesson once and for all!

If my true testimony had to be written..

If any of u were wondering...*scroll to d bottom xD*

If something everlasting exists...

If you get to the end...give urself a tap on d back xD

If yesterday was ne different today wud be so different!

If our life's page was as blank as this one...

If I had come home on time...*xD*

If there's ever a need...

If any of u were wondering...scroll to d bottom xD

If I had come home on time...xD