If any of u were wondering...*scroll to d bottom xD*

the whole house is asleep..and i get some time to myself in the quietness and dark of the night *english essay title lol*...once again im feelin hot and sticky..but im quite in d mood of writing out some thoughts

so today we played basketball at night and like it was rly funny coz d ball blended in perfectly with the ground since it was so dark..so many times someone would throw the ball to me and i'd think im about to catch it but it smacks me in the face coz i don't see it coming..and it made me think how in this world stuff is thrown at us and like sin is camouflaged by the world and then after a while of us thinking we're surviving nd doing fine it smacks us right across the face and leaves us hurting..just like the ball did.. xD*d smiley is because i'm remembering the ball smacking me in d face xD*

this morning when i opened my bible b4 d-group (big wave to my dgroup buddies dat i wuv so much)... i read this..

"i served the Lord with great humility
and with tears...
however i consider my life worth nothing to me,
if only i may finish the race and complete the task
the Lord Jesus has given me -
the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace." (Acts 20:19-35)


many things hit home...first of all that he served the Lord "with tears"...
it gave me hope u knw?..dat wen i feel im doin the right thing but it hurts i'm not alone..when i serve and dont get appreciated i'm not alone... and even though i might have to do things with tears in my eyes and a heavy heart... i'm ready to go to any extreme to serve the Lord! xD

this reminds of the harder parts of my year which is usually January to like April.. the New Year always seems to hav more stresses and hurdles dan d previous one..and every year February and March greet me with mid-yearly exams and the lenten talks...
now school exams aren't usually too stressful for me..but Lenten Talks..dats another thing!
u see at home things get rly stressful since lots of things get left to the last minute to be done..and der'll be people at home 24/7...nd i go mad after a day or 2!... and its during these times in d past years dat i cried myself to sleep at night needing Someone greater to see the real-not-always-happy-and-ready-to-serve me...
i always used to end up drained after the week... nd feelin as though im left attention-less and energy-less..
so this year i braced myself..i knew d hard time was coming with mocs and the lenten talks a week after and a piano exam dat week... and i was sure i wouldnt crack under the pressure this year..i was older and i cud keep everything in for one week..i'd smile my way thru the one hour sessions... try to pray and be real..and be friendly..and the rest of the stuff a perfect Christian Girl would do...

i remember like 2 or 3 yrs ago i wrote this chorus to get thru the lenten talks..:

i'm willing to hurt if You'll help them
I'm ready to stretch if you'll save them
I'm promising to change if You'll cleanse them
I'm trying to love if You'll lift them up

now when i look back at that stanza atm..i'm not sure if it was just a selfless prayer or a take-the-problems-of-the- world- on-my -shoulder..sort of prayer..
see..i'm not sure if ur all thinking im wacko atm..but im trying to express these weird thoughts but words aren't coming..
you see to me it was d week that came every year where i had to give all i had..the week i had to share d most intimate things i had..the closest things to my heart dat i enjoyed keeping to myself...
i had to share my parents..my home..all my time...and give love to everyone which i knew only God would provide me with..and although i fully understood dat only Jesus can keep me going and keep me filled wit this love i knew i had to give my heart still managed to crack every year....so you see when i ended up crying this February i wrote this poem out of pure helplessness as perhaps a more honest cry from my heart sorta prayer...

another year went by
i'm one year older
i should be a couple of
steps infront...

i'm in the same place
been here 2 years running...
thought i grew up..
became independent

but i just want to run,
hide,be alone...but
i need someone to love me

this feeling's too familiar
bitter hurts, sour tears,
cheesy freindships, fleetin days...
where smiles are rare
and people aren't fair..

you may be wondering what i'm gettin at...or how long i'll keep on going on wat seems to be a huge pity party...but wat i'm trying to say is dat..it was during these times dat i can truly say i served God thru tears and even wen it hurt..and i know dat i'll be rewarded for it..so wen it seems dat all d good u do gets unnoticed and is done in vain..dont lose heart..becoz God appreciates it wen we serve Him with our tears..and the prayers we cry in our dryest of moments are the ones dat God is most pleased with! so even though i failed to keep eveything together..God still kept me in His arms as the helpless broken girl i was!

another thing is dat many times we keep looking forward to the future coz we think its more important and offers us more opportunitys..and we forget to live the moment..for example we'll be dyin to be in form 5..nd den wen we leave school we're dyin to get to sixth form (well ok maybe not xD) but u get muypoint?..and like dat we end up not living our form 5 days d best as we could...(yaaaq whyd i use school to explain myself??)...

lol..so like i encourage u not to wait till like school starts again..or till soul survivor..or like next year...this part of ur life is important..this week..this day..this hour..they all have a purpose!! and we have to use all d time we get like cleverly xD forseeing the consequences of our every action and also d good.. i knw im gettin preachy but like..ive also been thinking about how we sometimes we live the moment for the rush of feelin good instantly...and den in d long run we realise it rly did us harm..but we keep repeatin the act neway for d little pleasure it gives us..nd we close our eyes to the eternal sorta consequences it brings along wit it..*confused yet?xD*

gettin back to wat i was saying b4..i just remembered how last summer..wen we came back from soul survivor..i had an argument with someone..and i got rly frustrated nd upset..nd i wrote this song dat most of u knw..

The still ocean, the mighty mountains
Show Your glory.
Day after day, the radiant skies,
they make You known throughout all the earth.

Chorus:

I wil praise You with my tears
with my hurts, with my cries
I will love you and lift you higher,
When I laugh, when I smile.
I will worship you, everyday.


Verse 2:
Though the darkness clouds my vision
I will seek You
You’re my comfort, you’re my shelter
My heart cries out to know You more.

you see this year i decided dat i wud worship God with every tear dat fell..and with every hurt i had...coz i figured dat way i'd honestly be worshiping God in spirit and in truth... and like alot too..*sounding emo-fied xD but vera lol*... nd this song was like the way i offered all my tears to God..nd so i wish ud all do the same..to use every moment of ours to d full..to worship God..with every little emotion, feelin and action of ours...
so like rather than thinking of d stuff we shudnt do and we shud stop doing..lets focus on doing stuff..lets focus on gettin our hands dirty, and giving till it hurts..and worshiping God with all that we have!! xD
well i just went round in circles in this blog but at least it may hav entertained a couple of u for a while xD...i will leave u on a lighter note with a weird "poem" if u can call it dat lool.. Blessings...enjoy xD

if any of you were wondering....how long it takes me to write a blog..
it taks 1 hour. *today it actually took 45 minutes but usually it takes longer xD*

if any of you wer wondering... where they come from...
its from my brain coz i "stay thinking" as Rob nd some others guys know xD

if any of you wer wondering why i blog...
its coz my head cant contain all my thoughts...*or else it will expand so much id be knocking u all over when i walk..xD*

if any of you were wondering why i always blog at midngiht...
its coz dats wen my brain runs wild and free and works best with no distractions

if any of you were wondering why i'm so open with everyone
its coz i just dont care anymore and coz i belive there are no rewards if der are no risks..

if any of you were wondering why i think white chocolate is the best...
its coz my taste buds just know it is...

if any of you were wondering why i love skittles
i think ur mad coz its xtremely obvious why i love them!

if any of you were wondering how many hours a week i play piano
it ranges from 5 hrs to 30 hrs..

if any of you were wondering why i'm a noiseaholic..
just meet my family!

if any of you were wondering why i dont wear makeup a lot..
its coz i dont wanna hide my natural beauty,,

if any of you were wondering why i have the friends i do..
its coz dey waste so much time reading rubbish like this
that i just feel like a genious around them!


*lol xcuse d lameness i was bored wen i wrote this xD*