I stopped to think about life…all the meaningless things we strive for…all the things that pass so fast; that slip right through our very own fingertips after we’ve held onto them for so long; given so much for them all this time. Everything can disappear in the flick of a finger...What am I holding onto? What am I believing?
Who am I? What do I want from God? What am I carrying with me?
All I am is a tangled web of confusion – thoughts, questions and feelings…
A lost, wondering soul…
Will you come and show me who You are?
My doubts; my uncertainties; Your faith; Your courage; a deeper trust.
I’ll sing a new song to You God,
A song of how great You are even through these foggy days where everything’s uncertain
I’ll sing of how compassionate and loving You are,
And I’ll just trust during the days I don’t feel that.
I believe You have a plan
even if I have to wander around a few more years…
I’ll believe You exist and care for me
even if I have to shed a couple of tears.
I’ll sing a new song; I’ll stick close to You,
till You satisfy my thirst; till You become the one and only answer of my questions.
I’ll sing because You’re looking at me even now in love; choosing to make Yourself known to a humanity like ours.
And thank You…for You can handle all my doubts, fears and songs.
A few weeks ago, when my head was still in this confused state I thought I’d do something on the abnormal side for an autumn/winter night.
I walked upstairs to the roof and stood outside looking at Valletta, with the wind blowing my hair, and making me cling to my jumper as thought it were something precious I didn’t want to lose rather than an old ‘inside-jumper’. The view was a bit hazy. I couldn’t see clearly with the wind, rain, mist and fog.
Perhaps my future’s the same…
Bright and promising but not revealed just yet. Maybe I have to wait for the sun to rise in the morning to see the beauty ahead.
So I simply prayed that as I’m patient in the wind, God would be with me…So I won’t have to budge; I can just gently sway in His arms because I honestly believe my days belong to Him.
“Remember!” I hear the word ringing in my ears...But...There are so many things to remember…apart from names of body parts, plant structures, chemical equations, routines, relationships and floating music notes.
What about all those suffering, alone…out in the cold; or boiling hot – squashed and claustrophobic? Unknown, unheard of, misunderstood. What about them? Those nobody makes a film about, those nobody sings a song to, those nobody writes a book for? Do they belong to You to? And will they ever know it if I sit here another night?
And if we don’t remember what He did for us how can we tell anyone what He can do for them? Wake up! *Mental Note: That’s another thing to remember.*
So tonight as I went through my mental to-do-list, it began to rain – and the rain taught me something. To be very honest I’m not even sure what it taught me. But…it’s raining. Raining drops of heavenly hope…new beginnings… burdens dripping off along with the dirt that weighed me down. Perhaps with the rain God’s pouring out blessings onto me now too. Refreshing. The stress fizzles out when it’s put into the light of eternity. I feel as though I’m standing outside, soaking wet, in a new different sort of love; a new different sort of freedom.
So for all those whose night was ruined due to the rain, my sincerest apologies.
*on a lighter note:
– My room’s taking shape
- Tower of pebbles has been stuck to wardrobe (you have to see it to believe how cool it is)
- The red piano is great
- Hours of playing piano everyday can do funny things to your emotions.
Good, Bad? I Can’t decide.
- God has a funny sense of humour. But He’s enough and He loves me and understands me. =)
- I’ve cried in 3 movies this week as opposed to rarely every crying in a movie.
- Songwriting is almost turning into music writing lately…exciting things ahead xD
- I dreamt of an orchestra of electric guitars…One day I’ll write a real orchestral work into different electric guitar parts and it will sound good like it did in my dream.
- ‘Everlasting’ is being used on TV weekly -> www.youtube.com/knisjamalta
-If you think nobody remembered you you're wrong...I'm writing this for you!xD ...whoever you may be!
- I love Yanica very much despite my absence this evening.*