Tuesday, January 31, 2012

52 WEEK PROJECT UPDATE

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Phyllis & Bertie taking off

Life's been pretty crazy lately!

Phyllis & Bertie became real after months of joking aaaand

Went off to Arkansas on a song writing competition haha remain upppdaateed!

http://www.facebook.com/phyllisandbertiemusic





52-Week Project by bettinacassar

Monday, November 21, 2011

52- Week Project

So I was influenced by photographers and their 52-week projects i.e. a photo a week, and decided I'd do the same with my music this year :D [Vas put the pressure up]

Every week I'll be uploading some sort of recording, be it a piano track, a song demo, a composition assignment in progress, covers, WHATEVER :D Really excited to get it going and will hopefully keep it up! Woop woop let's do thiis!

52-Week Project by bettinacassar



Week 5: A Medley of Sorts [Fix You/ Never say Never/ Rolling in the Deep]
I guess my mood caught up with the rain and grey, cold weather this week.

:) Three amazing songs. On the melancholic side perhaps but hey :)

Sat at my piano in the dark and left the recorder on. Then had some fun with reverb and a few layers on Garageband, but otherwise it's pretty raw.


Part of my 52- Week Project on soundcloud.

http://soundcloud.com/bettinacassar/sets/52weekproject/

Photo thanks To Julian Vas! Check out his photos!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/julianvassallo/6350939364/in/photostream



Week 4: Philippa Cassar is my sister. I call her Phyllis. She calls me Bertie. We have embraced our sisterhood and here's the product :D ENjoy!




Part of my 52- Week Project on soundcloud.
http://soundcloud.com/bettinacassar/sets/52weekproject/

Love to all :)

Monday, June 6, 2011

It’s 6:00pm on my 24-hour clock, and I’m 18.

This is the age I’m expected to write daring articles, with material to be censored and views that would make my Grandmother’s jaw drop.

This is the age I’m meant to have strong opinions about irrelevant issues and no opinion about ones that matter.

This is the age some deep philosophy should have me confused and questioning, scandalizing any former ideas I once had.

This is the age it is. My passions and ambitions are as huge as any other student’s out there.

Maybe my message is just as outrageous.

What if my writings were not concerned with some new political ideas I’m becoming aware of; not bothering others with the two hundred and one million complaints I have to make; nor toying with the idea of a humorous, mocking article that makes me seem witty and intelligent?

What if the thing I think about and am passionate about is something so atrociously outdated no one would like to believe what they are reading?

What if my message,
my article,
my life’s thoughts,

were focused on
God –
a God I believe in.
A God who is love.
A God I believe is one and true and holy.
What if all I spoke about and stood up for is Jesus?

Would that bring enough feedback to my page?

What if I could just be real and say I am fascinated by a God who forgives, and loves day in day out ?


What if I admitted to over thinking everything; how conscious I am of what others are thinking and the way I look in the eyes of the world? What if I exposed how weak I am – rather than poking fun at some-[weaker]-one else?

Maybe then we’d realize we’re all in the same boat.
We’re all after the same thing.

What if I could smile because so much of the things invading life are meaningless?

What if I could show there is purpose to pain and hope beyond hurt?

What if I could supply care for that cross you voluntarily bare?

What if nobody knows no better because I chose to keep my Jesus-message to myself? No one else has written like this before. And I’m not yet a 50 year old who should be concerned with these religious matters.

Maybe my message is more outrageous than the rest because nobody else fancies the discomfort it would cause.

Where St. Paul went, riots were stirred; where I am, witty people poke fun at those less able to write, and then feel good about themselves - I just roll my eyes. An onlooker – I’ll just go on with my life.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Old Fashioned Splash of Thoughts

24-4-10

So now it's this time of year.

The tractor's noise is hard to miss;
not easily forgotten.
And it painfully seems to me,
an ignorant person in agriculture,

that it just tramples over the wheat,
crushes every stalk.

The long growing crops, that soaked up the sun
and the glory of standing tall,
together enjoying the beautiful spring days,
are now so very suddenly...

crushed.

Their purity ruined by a dirty machine,
dry, useless, crushed they lay there...
Waiting...

And it's just another step in the process.



I used to think one day I would become a motivational writer...so I'm writing a note to self.

Dear self,

A lot of effort went into these past 2 years. It's not worth giving up now.

You've strived and tried, listened and obeyed, and did the best you could. Don't let a pissy attitude get in the way now.
You have what it takes - the brains and the heart to follow in full faith God's will for your life at this precise moment.

They hurt you and offend you, don''t choke yourself to death. Don't allow their insensitivity to be the death of you. Nothing can dampen the Spirit of God that lives in you - He conquered the grave.

Be holy just as He is hoy,
perfect just as He is perfect,
in our weakness we are strong
because it is no longer us...
no longer Bettina, But Jesus, that is living me.

It would have been nice, if someone asked about me, but that's not what life's about right?


8-10-10


How can we listen
to recorded birds sing
or a stream flow...
But then put in headphones
whilst we walk past
the tree full of birds near the seaside...?

How can we do all that we do
and still feel we never do anything good enough...?
How can we look the way we do
and never feel beautiful enough?

How can we use laptops and phones
to talk to people
whilst being surrounded
by others we choose to ignore?

Some things in life we'll never understand.


19-12-10

I free my days
but i can't free my mind.

Sure I come before you
day after day,
but after that
my mind is elsewhere -
simply forgetting.

But how does that make any sense?
If i know just a tiny bit about who i'm serving and how fragile life is.


Like a fizzy bottle
shaken so many times
But never opened,
just flattened...
Until,
now,
nothing seems to fuzz me up anymore.


You can fail
and still be loved,

You can hate
and still be wanted,

You can stay silent,
and still be spoken to,

Because that's what love is.



19-1-11

I guess after a week
of just sitting across each other,
whilst we both cried in each other's presence,
without muttering a word,
to ruin the comforting silence,
the ice was shattered.

This week I guess I'm still sobbing,
but in Your embrace.

Perhaps still... words are too much,
But I'm in Your arms.
You're keeping me up.
Thank you for crying with me.

3-4-11

"The merits of the messenger may distract attention away from the message;
the bearer of the good tidings may stand too much in their way.

By contrast, the simplicity, the vulnerability of a messenger,
may highlight how immeasurably beyond him the mystery of the message he is called to proclaim is.

Jesus is more than a flawless model.
Flawless models are frustrating when we are unable to live up to them.
Jesus is more than a model.
He really saves. "

Friday, December 24, 2010

You

are probably not too different to me, but neither of us know it yet. Shh.

I have a sudden urge to write!
And not just to empty my head of thoughts but to see the way my handwriting changes as my sudden excitement bursts into a rush of words and squiggles.

To think of others, to write to others...
but not to be with them. I guess it's a strange world.
To seek to please people - may that not be my goal.

If we're coca-cola people
living in a diet-water world...
If everyone's roughly my age,
eating fast food, driving slow cars
Into our old books,
out looking for escapes,
somehow to stand out but fit in.

Not knowing what we're looking for,
but we'll know it when we hear it; when we see it...
probably preferring tea to coffee
[who am I kidding I can't live without both.]

You like this song coz you can hum it in the shower.

There's no 10 steps to anything.
Nothing to show me; to teach me.
Somehow it's up to me to focus my focus on what I want to focus.

My prayer is that I'll stop running,
to stop telling you I'm too busy,
I'm too good to need you!

My heart wants to never grow up.
To remain faithful and hopeful.
You'll always take me back; love me again.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Weather Report

A quick weather report from a girl living far far away in the middle of Bidnija:

This morning my piano and furniture were found all covered in soil.

Later as I attempted to work,my papers kept flying to the floor but all my doors and windows were closed.. and no there was no fan on.

And finally, a hanging pillow case successfully broke two pegs but thankfully was caught right in the act and did not get away.

Tune in later for more weather reports on a windy day in Bidnija!


Sunday, November 7, 2010

Dustpile!

My latest song is now available on YouTube.



Enjoy! xD

This song took 2nd place in KSU's Singer/Songwriter Competition!

My inspiration for this song was actually from Cinderella [hence the video]!
But we live in no fairy tale world and how well do we know it! Basically the same way the cat jumps in her pile of dust and makes a massive mess, in life we sometimes put so much effort into things and then BAM! It's like a cat just comes and jumps in and out of it and things go wrong and nothing remains out of all that work...as though some how there's evil or other things or people that get in the way and make a mess of it!

And in the world there are "cats" jumping in and out of people;s dust piles... and for some it's worse than others. Some are being persecuted and treated badly and unjustly...and if the world is one, almost like a body, then shouldn't we be the mouth that is screaming for the toes that are being stepped on elsewhere? If other parts of our body are hurting our mouth will scream...

Are we being that mouth... screaming or those in need?


DUST PILE

Sleeping but not quite a beauty
Spinning just not on a spindle
Wishing though it looks like a starless night

It's past twelve and still no
Charming, pumpkin slipper.

The cat keeps jumping in and out of my dust pile,
And it's making a mess.

Running but not quite road runner
Sweeping just not yet swept away
Fighting though it feels like a prince-less fight

It's past twelve and still no
Charming, pumpkin slipper.

The cat keeps jumping in and out of my dust pile,
And it's making a mess.

The mouth will scream when the toe is stepped on.

Lyrics and music by Bettina Cassar 2010 ©

STARRING - GEORGE THE CAT

Monday, November 1, 2010

SONG DOWNLOADS!

Hey guys!! Trying out something new :) If you follow the links you'll be able to easily download these two songs!! [ aaand to hear them any time u like as many times as u like wooo! xD]
ENjoy!!


Middle Child Syndrome (demo):

http://rapidshare.com/#!download|820|428294342|Middle_Child_Syndrome.wav|11452

Time Is Running:

http://rapidshare.com/files/428208278/Time_is_Running.mp3

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Time is Running =)

Vote for the song here!



http://www.ifightpoverty.eu/bettina

Vote for the song here!!

Sunday, October 3, 2010

I Fight Poverty

After hours of work and recording I finally have a much better sound recording of the song! But now that i entered the video for the competition I cant change it...but at least you get to enjoy a better quality version of it!! However make sure you vote for the song at

http://www.ifightpoverty.eu/bettina

Thanks a million :)






He walked in,
The passage cleared
The people stared.
They wished him well
Then waved goodbye...
He's just gone.


I was never meant to be
Born in a world that's about me,
Skies were never meant to stay grey
Once the rain has come and gone,
Kids were never meant to suck their thumbs
For lack of food and falling crumbs.

He walked in,
The passage filled,
The people filed.
They shook his hand,
Didn't let him stand...
He's just gone.


I was never meant to be
Born in a world that's about me,
Skies were never meant to stay grey
Once the rain has come and gone,
Kids were never meant to suck their thumbs
For lack of food and falling crumbs.


Time is running
And we wont catch up.
Coz while we're loving our lives,
There are people who are
Screaming and pleading
They're needing,
Someone to speak up,
To speak up, coz they cannot speak for themselves,
They cannot speak for themselves.

I'm not sure whether you thought of it this way...
I'd hate it though, if it were how it's going to stay.


Lyrics and Music by Bettina Cassar 2010 ©

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Donut anyone?

Honestly, I can't believe how fast time flew this summer. *twas a great one xD*

And now the University of Malta awaits me, as I begin a Bachelor of Arts in Communication studies and music studies! :D Although at first to many people (including myself) it seemed a bit like I wasted 2 years of my life studying Science A levels for a course in which they are of no use...I'm still pretty hapy with my last 2 years and I don't reallly regret my choice of subject. xD Now I can say I'm pretty knowledgable in a number of fields right? :P

And for all those thinking I'm a tad bit silly for choosing my course..well I'm still pretty confident.
I know I'l be happy doing it, and I'll meet a lot of people I can serve...so that makes it something worth doing right? If I can love whilst doing what I love then my purpose is fulfilled and my life is a success. The bigger picture...I hope i wont forget it in the coming year.


Some lyrics I've been playing around with...


Sleeping but not quite a beauty
Spinning just not on a spindle
Wishing though it looks like a starless night...

It's past 12 and still no
charming pumpkin slippers.

The cat keeps jumping in and out of my dustpile,
the car keeps jumping in and out of my dustpile,
and it's making a mess.

Running but not quite road runner
Sweeping just not yet swept away
Fighting though it looks like a prince-less fight

It's past 12 and still no
charming pumpking slippers.

The cat keeps jumping in and out of my dustpile,
the car keeps jumping in and out of my dustpile,
and it's making a mess.

The mouth will scream when the toe is stepped on.



Last few thoughts...*before I approach 4 hours of piano and a few hours of unpacking my new bedroom before a paty tonight*...Don't you think birthdays are a funny time of year, almost like a New year's Eve just not in January...where an analysis is made and resolutions are reformed...where the bad is left behind in hope of a better, more challenging year...and as though it's possible for me to forget, people haven't stopped reminding me that I've turned old...become an adult!

Yup yup...bring it on.

8-9-10 was an unforgettable day, but now my eyes are set on what is to come and wooo I've got the high hopes of an 18 year old girl who's ready to change the world!

Yup yup... bring that on as well.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Venturing the last bit of Vienna

Today has been quite amusing. xD
It started it off with my normal breakfast of bread and jam, and then proceeded to catching the U-Bahn to StephansDom where i pray a bit in the mornings. xD Then I thought I'd do something new so I went to Mariahilferstraße to do some shopping...Yet again no small sizes exist and I got highly frustrated by about noon.
I attempted eating soemthing at starbucks but i felt very foolish haha coz it was rly bad the food and at this time it was hot and i didnt feel like a coffee...
So then i decided itäs museums time because i am sick of shops...so i went to Museums Quartier...imma the coolest place alive..i felt normal again amidst a million strange people! The art museum was simply amaaziiing...immaa like Vas, Nic and Jamie and Zoe etc wud have gone maaad! Such random thigns haha il share the photos everntually...
then the next museums were a bit too weird and i aws a bit freakd out...(coz der r xeba musems around one square tipo)...soo after the freak out i was about to leave to some pretty garden for me time...nd it started pouring like raining crazillyyy....

so i came to the school/ uni...nd i booked a room at 4..which is in a bout 10 minutes now...

But the school library is amayyying....xebaaa music and theatre books...then theres the online/reading room...the audio room...a room full of Cds and cd players and headphones so u can stay hearing music...and den a magazine section with xebaaa music mags....totally cool..



pero facebooks blocked..fail haha...
so i will be off to my practise room..
tonight i watch a concert and have a meal with the piano friends and 2moro i make my way back home!

toodles
Luv from Vienna
xxxx

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Venturing Vienna Part 2

27-7-10

Yesterday after a pizza at Bizze's for lunch I went to a BBQ dinner at the Bredls...*mmm spare ribs again haha* twas a random night which ended in booking Agnes * the mummy* and lydia *the daughet* a flight to Malta for next Saruday just like that!

Today went to watch a film (Yes Brooks a film in vienna!!*) haha Knight and day...haha it perfectly suited my mood...nice and cheesy, unrealistic and romanitc...enjoyed it. Had my last lesson yesterday morning after an hour long nose bleed in the bathroom.
I prayed hard for someone to come to the bathroom and thankfully a nice lady showed up, for ice for me and everything...nice poeple, nice stuff.

tomorrow class meeting at 11.30 am ...We'll see how the day turns out last bit of shopping xD

quotes ive been thinking about and readin...

"I am not who i think i am.
i am not who you think i am.
i am who I think you think i am."

RObert Schuller


" Treat a man as he appears to be and you make him worse. But treat a man as if he were what he potentially could be and you make him waht he should be." Goethe


Hope is an alove leaf - evidence of dry land after a flood.

28-7-10


haha so today after the class meeting i walked around a little but failed to buy an 18th dress...or ne mroe presents..sadnes
xD
perooo
spent an hour on the phone with the sister and spoke to zoe and mina today so yaay xD
haha deeen went to VOlksgarten...simply budafuuul!!! xeba roosesss!!
and stayed saoking up the sun writing letters, sad excuses for poems and listening to talks...
haha here's a bit of wat i wrote



Far too many people
are too far away from home
to be this far.

Nothing near enough
is nearly enough
to be this near.

Ways are twisted
way too many times
to be way better.

Must one be or not?


common things are things
too common to be more than overlooked,
so why do some things still work but others remain common?

You know, i Think im way too at peace for my heart to wonder
and my mind to think.

A smell of roses, strong enough for even me to smell
with my nose-full of pre-flight nasal spray.

The pinks, the yewllos, the reds,
the whites and even the oranges.
i wish i could blend in...
but i dont think my blue toenails
and multi coloured sunglasses are being of any help.

I cant say ive missed out
thought missing people
is something i long to miss.

My hearts just taking in tunes, meoldies,
words and expereicnes and
cannot get round to mixing them
to form a new
product.
I need to write a song xD

Can you click on the link coz it wont let me embed xD
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BIo4Nl4enQw



Haha seee epic fail but hey! then watched some street musicians and came home for an early night and bonding wtih achie!

2 more days left aaah sadness/ excitemetn!
luv to all
blessingss from Vienna
xxxxxx

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Venturing Vienna Part 1

18-7-10

So my journey begins here...sitting wating to board the plane! Impatient people are queing up and perhaps the more layed back ones like myself sit back and wait more realxedly. I wonder if journalling in the middle of busy seats and spaces will become less akwars and uncomfortable in the days to come.

Sitting in a plane...the pilot just announced we have a half an hour wait before leaving so I couldn't resist writing.
I'm amidst way too many blonde blue-eyed people...My eyes feel so normal xD and for the first time ever my blonde-turned-brown hair feels abnormal and stands out quite nicely. Every other person is a looker guy.

@ZOE You'd be having a blast...and that family we thought I was sitting behind turned out to be 7 guys, about twenty, all laughing and joking..I must say for someone along on a plance they're fun to watch. xD
"Air Traffic Contorl Restrictions" are restricting us to half an our of sitting.
I'm next to a brother and a sister about 12 and 15... they're already sleeping on eachoterh so I'm happy sitting looking out the window for compant. Old men with socks and sandals contrast massively with E.F. student groups of 13 year old boys...Still i think I'm just about the only Maltese person on this flight.

*....ok so i rant on forever...im fast forwarding...* xD

BTW!!! the Matthias Kentzie lookalike that someone screamed and waved at is deffinitely on this plane! I was like..." No way! It cant be Matts going to Vienna and i didnt know!" but hah ye it wasnt him....

The plane passed over filfla and remembered sunrise with the guys...and passed over Gozo and Gozo channels exchanging people...oooh Youre all coming back to Malta now...but woo the beuaty of the sea and sky xD God you are super cool!



@ ZOE hot austrian guys now sinigng in German!




(So theeen I thought everyone forgot me but at about 10.30 my phone decided to work and i got like all your farewell messages at once and i was like aaaa im actually luved!! xD Theeen i started replying to some..but they wernt delivering and i was like aah the world hates meeee der not getting my msges..xD den achie got one! nd i wa slike hmm..wats different about achies number...haha tadaaaa she was saved wit the prefix of malta! Bimbo moment..so now ppls get my msges yaay hahah)



19-7-10

Sitting in the middle of some famous raod...scattered with cafes and crazy shops. The music school vibe is overwhleming...Now i jsut hope to make some friends...

Achie i bought achie-shoes!!

*at this point i wrote brooks a letter haha*

(then at night i had a massive crying session..dats wen i went online and told everyone i was homesick...yup the first day was the hardest)

20-7-10

Sitting outsude helensplatz i believe...some concert or gig about to start..so i thought id stay and wait for it even though i couldnt find my friend. Just me and God time.

*so then i lsitend to a talk on a bench in the sun..twas luyvly...photos up in the near future :P*


25-7-10

These past 5 days were the best ever! I treausre time like this spent with my family...so rare sadly, but so amazingly beautiful. I love them.

So on Wednesday we met at the dome and went for lunch and had the famous Schnitzel...then we walked up and down shopping streets. We went to STadpark in the afternoon for a walk and a drink and we met 2 swiss guys! Totally random but me and phil had a real fun time having a good chat with them! *vera kienu jaharqu pero thats just a detail* xD Then we ate at Sky restaurant overlooking Vienna from a really high up place....Xeba mosquitoooosss!!

On thursday i believe we met at the same place and ate at an iatliane place...ok no that was firday..thursady we went to Agnes and Martin's hometown and we sawm in a lake and had a lovely idylic day finishing with wine and Viennese food at a traditional wine bar.

So then on firday we ate ialian haha and went to the schombrum palace...luvly!
after icecream at the palace and loads of walking we rested at my fmailys hotel and came to eat at Vapiano. Super cool. Then it just became cold xD and starts raining!! waaaa sam had to run me home in the rain!
And the aids conference finished and my romanian friend left on friday!

Yesterday we walked around and ate a light meal at a cafe, then went to musichaus and were lucky to watch a jazz band from pland.
Then we went over to the Bredls for a luvly BBQ, followed by a music session, followed by going for a drink and clubbing with Ben and his friends. I slept in the hotel room of my siblings xD after a crazy japanese receptionist threw a tantrum xD

today we met for mass at the Dom and tehn went to akakiko for lunch japanese style. Then we walked over the danube *which i hope you all know is brown and not blue* taking photos. THen they caught the U Bahn home to get a taxi to the airport...back to Malta.

*haha i spk alot about wer we ate..coz dats wer i hav fun just chatting wit my family and spending time wit dem xD hence its importance*


Wow..that was hard...who cares to stay in this city alone i was thinking....
Tomorrow i start over...here again for anouther 4/5 days knowing nobody in the house and not having too much to do xD

But God got me thru last week and I;l get through this week! If alone...then i guess theres more God wants to teach me and more i need to pray and prepare for and il get through wit God...if not...He'll send me people..firends..to lvoe and get to know xD You know..if God thinks 2moro is worth me living..who am i to think otherwise....


so to get out of my mourning the departure of my family..after a good cry i went to find a museum this afternoon..xD got lost at first...but by the time i found it..der wer only 30 mintues to closing time..nd he was like no its not worth buyin ticket..xD ptx i was like fiiine haha

soooo i went bak to my normal pedestrian street...and went to the adoriation chapel in the cathedral..wer i decided il go everyday from now on..nd i had this luvly quiet time and cry/learning session with God...it was rly cool...so many people pray and take god seriosuly here...more dan i thought.

then i walked round watching streest musicians...today der wer some quite amusing ones i must say...i bought postcards for xeba people haha den i chucked myself at STarbuchs with a CARAMEL MACCHIATO and stayed writing postcards to my luvly maltese friends in sams big grey hoodie! mmm xD

then i forced myself to eat a wrap haha i dnt get hungry wen im alone ta..its just not dat fun at all haha

then on the ride home i spotted wiehed vera jahraaaaq...nd he actually got on my underground...nd den sat right behind me. And you know how u always hav these little day dreams of how he'll get off at the same station, go up the same escalaotr, and walk to ur house and den u realise aaah we hav to talk coz we're actually living in the same house!! so yee i had dat little day dream right haha nd den he actually did get off at my station..nd i was like oh my..den he went up my escalator..nd i was liek haha score..he's totally coming my direction and il get to knw him at bfast..deeeen

he took a right. -.- and i took a left...nd dat was the end of my beautiful boy story haha


sooo yee i just enjoyed venting on you...dnt bother re reading so xebaaa spelling mistakes!
perooo\
i misss you alll and i uber luv u and realize now how much i appreciate my friends...stick close to God guys xD


"And we know that in all things God workds for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?

No, in all these things we are more than conqeurors through him who loved us. For i am convinced that neither death not life, neiether angels nor demons, neither the present not the future not any powers,

nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in CHrist Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8: 35-39


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 4 more days to Malta! xD
*nd i say dat to make me enjoy here more and to the fullest and ...to keep me sane..dat i am back to samll , multi-friended-hot island in a few days
xD*

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Uber excited packing!

Waaaaaa the moment is here..finally packing for Vienna!
just printed tourist walks, my boarding pass, my e-ticket, my recommendation for the university, my house receipt thing and yuup all that jazzz.

Stage one of packing was piling up the clean dresses i found in my drawer...and the jewellry and makeup i needed.



i have now moved onto phase two...were the clothes form the wash that need to be ironed have joined..as well as toiletriees and jackets and hats xD....




Long dresses now coming out for concerts and the like :P....deen il move on to getting bags xD


tomorrow's most-likely outfit...

Look how swt this umbrella i found to take up! xD


ok im bad at this part..i want all my bags..i dont have many..



Shoes...and jumpers...

Haha You see I'm writing this all out coz packing can get lonely when your siblings and friends aren't around xD...sooo i must keep you informed!

Pajamas? do people take those abroad?


I feel really un-selfish...i;'ve given the fan completely to my computer tower becasue without it, it wont work..so I'm working in the heat while it gets fanned :P hah oh well
ok the next step has to be the most important..the books, journals, pens and music that I'm taking up for the journeying and alone time! xD

aah...I'm slowly crumpling all the lists I had of things to take, and things to do before i'm gone. :) I'l leave here a person list-free.


Now this..is something I'l figure out in the morning..I'm gonna go get cushions and sleep in Phil's (who btw is like a supeeerrrrr staar) room tonight!



Well...I guess that's why I don't have much fear about this trip...because it was something so planned by God I could never imagine anything but good coming from it. Not easy... but good. I guess I know deep down it will be hard but with God I can endure it.

My pen and paper to become my closest companions followed by the piano, my blog and facebook. But hey! I have a phone in my bedroom. Success!

Jamie just told me this tonight..and I think I'll cling to it if my head's tempted to wonder off negatively...

"How can you say you're lonely just because you're alone?"

SO here's to the weeks ahead!! A time of self discovery and digging deeper..and hopefully renewing my Me-And-God relationship and sharing all I've got with the world!
Blessings

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Pre-Vienna Blog Transformation :)

So for the next two to three weeks this space turns into my very own travel blog!

Next Sunday I fly to Vienna for 2 weeks of experiencing life abroad alone as a music student attending piano master classes. O Oh the excitement!

I leave Sunday afternoon, and I'm gna be staying at a nun's home about 800m away from the University...xD more photos and details about all this by next week i can assure you :P ( since I'l probably be photoing and uploading every second of my days coz i'd want you all to see what it's like! Nd i'l have nothing better to do or no-one better to do it with)

View Larger Map

On Friday I'll start packing...but until then I'l be celebrating birthdays and making the most out of my pre-Vienna week by photoing practically everything I do and everyone i meet!
(ye yee it's just two weeks i'l stop fussing in a second :p )


Sooo I'l be back soon with pre-Vienna countdown photos and blogs! Stay tuned xD

Sunday, June 20, 2010

This is what summer days are about :)

Still enjoying my new camera and the sun...














Gna leave you with this... I'm taking part in this dance competition thing (haha yes I'm back to dancing)..and it had to be a one or two minute dance, so I recorded my own piece of piano and Xixa taught me a dance and tadaa! Enjoy the track :)


Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Because when a new camera is around, everything is worthy of a photo.... :)

















Click on the butterflyy! xD









Monday, June 14, 2010

I have a job of a perfectionist; a patient one at that.
I wonder if I’ll make it.

Sweat is too close for comfort.

My latest ‘job’ is recording piano music for ballerinas to dance to. Sure, I thought that would be simple – play through the piece once or twice, transfer it onto the computer, chuck in a CD, copy the track Et Voila`! Not quite.

I have played this childish tune over about 20 times, each time with a tiny mistake that I cannot bear to ignore. My finished product had to be something I could listen to and dance to without cringing, no matter who was listening.
In the mean time I’m researching piano ergonomics. You wouldn’t believe the slide shows and presentations I’ve come across. Thing is, I had back pain this morning whilst practising and I panicked! I wasn’t able to use the pedal and play normally. And when I have so much to practise in such a short time but am in too much pain to continue I get highly frustrated.

Some causes of stress
Practising for too long without a break - particularly fast playing which doesn’t give the muscles time to recover.
Tick.
• Excessive practising brought on by panic when trying to learn new music against the clock, or when worried about auditions or exams.
Tick.
• Returning to a full practice regimen after a holiday or other break from the instrument. A full practice load should be built up to gradually after a break.
Tick.
• Poor posture and unsuitable seating - often resulting in back, neck or shoulder pain.
Tick.

Ok I won’t go on, I think you get my point. xD Tomorrow I will make sure I am sitting ergonomically.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

So I’ve been reading about the Middle Child Syndrome; these psychology things make me think, and I think I can safely say, thinking is one of my hobbies.

Some parts are not true in my case, and others are very evident.
But I can honestly remember a time in my life where it was a big deal that I was the middle child. I wasn’t the eldest, like my Dad and brother. I wasn’t the youngest, like my Mum and sister. I was in between…experimenting and searching for a way to express myself and find my ‘space’ in life.

One thing all the articles said was how middle kids end up being creative, taking a huge interest either in literature, art, music, writing, journalism or something of the sort. Now that, I thought was cool…and had an element of truth to it, seeing as for me music and writing are my “Get-my-message-across” methods.

But even all this, can be totally weightless on a balance. Even all the fighting for attention and to be noticed is useless when looking at life with a God-given perspective. Everything we once found ourselves living for becomes totally worthless…it rises on a balance.


All my worries of exams and what exactly I’m going to do in the upcoming year can really get me worrying. And sometimes, admittedly out of habit, I turn to God with my worries, praying He’d take care of me, yet I still find myself wondering if He cares. If any of my prayers are making a difference. If everything just remains static or if He cares and is actually moving, changing and sorting things out…just slowly. At His time. Not mine.

I’m learning to deny myself. Things do not have to go my way. Why should my happiness be dependent on getting what I want?

“If any man would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” Mark 8:34

To hold others’ interests
Above my own.
I will not live for pleasure.
I will not live for power.
I will not surrender responsibility for my life and actions.

I’m chasing the birds...Because they know how to live without worries. They are taken care of. They do not sow or reap or store things away, and yet they are fed.

“Are you not much more valuable than they?”


Then it all came down to this. In my most anxious A level times… Who was keeping me grounded? Who was my ‘meaning’; the weight on the balance keeping me down?









Nope. Things change way too slowly.
They might even be static.
One second I’m fully trusting,
The next fully let down.

Still. All-or-nothing. Always. Never.
This is not solitude. It’s more like emptiness.
Like I’m rising on balance…
Nothing weighty and worthy within me.

Nothing keeps me down any longer,
But I still search for stillness.


I’m back here
Satisfied by nothing,
drawing closer to You.
I guess it’s an unfair game
But I’m trying.


I’m running across the dry field,
I’m seeing the man of my dreams
With His arms wide open,
Nothing like all those others I’ve described to you
Night after night.
And the moment was not sprinkled
With imperfections like heat, misunderstandings and humidity.

Maybe we can all relate here,
Something’s described to us so beautiful
but it doesn’t turn out that way…
but this wasn’t like that!

I never really found
The comfort I searched for in humans…
I always dreamt of crying on someone’s shoulder,
In someone’s hug…

So I chased the birds across the field,
The only things between me and Him…
Hoping He’d wait long enough for me to arrive to Him…

Now I can’t tell if it’s me or Him that’s crying.
Which one of us is happiest?
To whom does this mean most?





That was the explanation of the song i posted last week.... i'll leave you with...






Don't you somehow feel understood by this? xD

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

If this Physics exam could pass fast...

Soo..as promised *drum roll* I'v'e uploaded my first song with singing! xD hehe it's actually one i wrote these past two days with physics boredom..and it's nice and short ( so u can get back to studying riiight after hearing it :P)...it's probably not finished but i thought i'd share a little sneak peak before anyway xD

It's based on the Psalm here and Matthew 6:25-34!


My soul rests in God alone, from whom comes my salvation.

God alone is my rock and salvation, my secure height; I shall never fall.

My soul, be at rest in God alone, from whom comes my hope.

God alone is my rock and my salvation, my secure height; I shall not fall.

My safety and glory are with God, my strong rock and refuge.

Trust God at all times, my people! Pour out your hearts to God our refuge!

Mortals are a mere breath, the powerful but an illusion; On a balance they rise; together they are lighter than air.

Do not trust in extortion; in plunder put no empty hope. Though wealth increase, do not set your heart upon it.

One thing God has said; two things I have heard: Power belongs to God;

so too, Lord, does kindness, And you render to each of us according to our deeds.

Psalm 62.



Also,let's keep the girl who had a motorbike accident in our prayers!


**aaand alsoo..Last thing of real :P...shout out at Mel coz i used a shoe lace to tie the recorder to my neck haha and shout out at Paul...I used a metronome!** xD


Friday, April 30, 2010

Friday, April 23, 2010

If rain had a song...

This is what the rain sounded like this morning... :)




Also...from now on my recordings are gonna be on the Recordings page (so i wont have to blog everyday :P)...and will be updated regularly so do check them out! :)

Thursday, April 22, 2010

If I kept it simple

Sometimes it's terribly romantic
Other times extremely childlike
Yet it's friendship still,
Whilst having a king-slave difference.




"...love one another intensely from a pure heart." 1Peter1:22

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

If you could find me...




I've been having this battle with myself...
to stop apologizing
for everything I do...

To stop justifying my every move.
I'm just being who I am;
expressing what I go through.
Feel free to take it in
or move away...

I tell myself, "it's OK... they don't have to like it"...
that't true I suppose but 'it' is part of 'me'
so don't be quick
to shoot it down.

You gave me what I have
You make me who I am
and I want to be Yours
and stay Yours
because that's where i find worth.

Perhaps I'll never be the oasis one finds
in the middle of their journey in the desert...
Perhaps I'm more like the well one uses for water...
a little more effort...a longer search.

The beauty of being...
without excusing.
Thinking...without being examined.
Enjoying simplicity...without being criticized;
I crave these humble beauties.

Because we haven't exercised it
does it mean it is untrue?
Because not yet have we seen
or tried, does it not exist?

I try not to become weary
To persist with every last drop.
As I'm squeezed and molded
I fight to stay me...
I come here again and again
On behalf of them; on behalf of me.
You're my Hope and though I don't understand
I'll seek You; Your love.
Your truth.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

(If) It works!


If it works...

Ok so this is officially my first experiment at putting up some recorded stuff I have..and I'm not sure if it will work or not...haha in fact it's quite a random recording of a while ago...xD





if it works on the other hand...there's alot more where that came from and I shall frequently upload stuff for you to listen to at your own leisure :P

Monday, April 19, 2010

If I revealed SUPER JOTTER PAD

So...whilst i study...the weirdest of things pass through my mind...and the normal-est also...xD

--> I realised I find it attractive when someone who's intelligent, with an eye for detail, has a heart for the small and needy.

--> I really am not proud of the way my nerves control my mind and mood sometimes; that i over-busy myself and like it.

--> "I'm not a nice person" I tell myself way too often...I think it's a form of excuse for not living up to an existing expectation i find myself living by.


-->I enjoy feeling ugly sometimes...it makes me enjoy feeling good more.

--> I spend more time going through notes, flicking through papers and cleaning through piles these days than I actually do studying and learning!


--> Writing in pencil on recycled paper all day can get you down...


--> Jesus knows me. :)

--> Planting seeds and waiting for them to grow.

--> I think i'm going dry and yellow like the wheat outside my window. Does it mean that I'm soon to be collected and finally discover my purpose?
So why am I not enjoying my time basking, growing in the sun?

--> I wear summer dresses on top of leggings. Under Jerseys. And I'm Happy :)


-->Finally, if the devil knew Psalm 91...so shall I:


Psalm 91

1 Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
2 This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
he is my God, and I trust him.
3 For he will rescue you from every trap
and protect you from deadly disease.
4 He will cover you with his feathers.
He will shelter you with his wings.
His faithful promises are your armor and protection.
5 Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night,
nor the arrow that flies in the day.
6 Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness,
nor the disaster that strikes at midday.
7 Though a thousand fall at your side,
though ten thousand are dying around you,
these evils will not touch you.
8 Just open your eyes,
and see how the wicked are punished.

9 If you make the Lord your refuge,
if you make the Most High your shelter,
10 no evil will conquer you;
no plague will come near your home.
11 For he will order his angels
to protect you wherever you go.
12 They will hold you up with their hands
so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone.
13 You will trample upon lions and cobras;
you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet!

14 The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me.
I will protect those who trust in my name.
15 When they call on me, I will answer;
I will be with them in trouble.
I will rescue and honor them.
16 I will reward them with a long life
and give them my salvation.”

Friday, April 9, 2010

If I could just write one more...

At home on a Friday night but my attitude is surprisingly positive...I'm enjoying the sound of wind and the black clouds outside my window, whilst sitting in a dimly lit room with books, quiet music and a different mug of tea every half hour.

I've been really excited lately...and blogging seems more and more appetizing everyday...xD Must be the studying.

I have so many Summer resolutions already.
My list of "Films To Watch" is steadily growing each time everyone goes to the cinema and i pass...but hey...eventually i'll watch them.
I am also going to commit to putting up a song a week of mine on my blog or youtube...ekk just to expose my music a bit and give you all something to listen to in summer :)

I'm on Pg.19 out of the 50 i thought I'd finish by this evening...hah Good Stuff.

This actually reminds me...I wrote this in one of my crazy creative-streaks that studying seems to bring along more often...

That's why we have schedules,
we need something to fall behind,
to be constantly ahead...
Yup, that's why deadlines and schedules exist.

And sometimes that's why we have leaders,
so that we can go before them
to show them where we want to go
and to then say "I've followed you."

That's why we have teachers,
to show them what we know and
to struglle our hardest to show we're still right
and we don't need anything from them
because WE....
Already know everything.
Everything they can do - we can do better.


Excuse the irony..but i do find these words quite challenging...and to an extent...true.

And so it's here, the month that may be the most boring of all...
the month which is welcomed in by chocolates, figolli and picnics
and most importantly Easter.

The month our neighbours' fighting grew louder, caving in nearer...
exams will come...
they're slowly creeping up to us..
They'll go...But how can i make this month count?
That beautiful adoration,
the comfort of the darkness and Your presence.

I'll add; do the calculations; estimate the number;
I'll score, miss, judge, rate,
what matters loses its significance,
weighty things not taken into consideration.



And no I am not ashamed to say I have listened to the album of HE IS WE about four times through this evening..:) it's keeping me sane haha..good stuff :)


I came across these websites…claiming to teach you how to be creative…I find this quite amusing.
But honestly I need to get creative! xD It doesn’t just mean drawing, writing, singing or the norm… ideas and lifestyles can be creative…outfits and events…hairstyles and conversations!

"we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5: 3-5


Aaaand if you're still reading... this song has made me cry about 3 times this evening..its worth listening to...




Man I destroyed my poor biro tonight...i bit it like never before xD *apology to Faber-Castelle pen*

If blogger distracts me again..i MIght have to blog again :) buuutt
I'll leave youuu to a luvly evening of aromatic rings and plots of flower-delivering...
Blessings :)

Thursday, April 8, 2010

If barefoot...

So we both went the day without shoes...

But i got tarmac roads and tiled floors.

My experience just felt, let's face it, pretty cool for the time it lasted...it wasn't a lifetime.

My toes enjoyed the freedom of wiggling in the streets, and my soul enjoyed the humility of being barefoot.

But I got to come home to a warm house, a clean bathroom...

to lovely smelling, clean white soap and warm water to wash my feet with,

and a soft warm fuzzy white towel to dry them with...

and i got to put on a pair of cozy socks before i go to bed.

For me...it was an "experience"...not a lifestyle.
I'm going to bed comfortable. But not everyone's alright.



www.onedaywithoutshoes.com

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

If I could kill mosquitoes :)

I wish I knew what I wanted of my life…not that it would matter.

But like all those people out there, pursuing their dreams, I would join them…
Not that it would matter.

I would look at schools, apply at places, dream and work at being the best….not that it matters.

I would give my full undivided attention to one thing and I’d be good at it, and I would do good for people and continue praying through out…. Not that it would matter.

I wish I weren’t staring at this screen wondering how on earth, and when exactly my life would take on a direction… maybe it would matter.

There’s something…maybe it’s a feeling, maybe it’s my imagination…I’m not sure….But something’s telling me to trust and I won’t be disappointed…something’s telling me I have no say in what’s coming next… something’s saying “Hold On…Sooner rather than later you’ll know, then you’ll look back, and laugh!”…or rather be gob-smacked at how petty my dreams were compared to the reality then.
It’s all a matter of when…all a matter of trusting that God you wont be too late!
You won’t make me do something smaller than I wish to!
Trusting that you’re seeing my tears…my lost thoughts wondering getting pulled at by so many…but choosing to surrender everything to You.
The hardest thing alive.
What is it in us? That makes us panic when we’re lost? As though we’re meant to be found? As though we’re meant to belong? As though we’re meant to mean something to someone somewhere?
So see, it’s pretty obvious that if we’re looking for meaning and we’ve realised there’s a lack of meaning in what we’re currently doing then it must be that there actually is a meaning to something. Because if there was no meaning to anything then I wouldn’t even know what meaning is, right? If the world was dark all the time and there was never any light then we wouldn’t know what darkness is because we wouldn’t know anything else.

Father God do you see? I’m desperate here? Do you see I’m crying here? Asking for direction, meaning and a significant role to play in this world that you love. Will I ever see the reason you made me the way you did? Such a jumble of different talents, thoughts and ideas… with such a confused head of thoughts wondering whether to go left, right, give it all up or give it all I’ve got.
Father God do you see? Do you hear? I need you to!
I’m scared. Of being mundane. Of being boring and doing something ordinary…I don’t want to. Why do I imagine you want me to do something I don’t want to do?....when you were the one who placed the “wants” ,”wishes” and “dreams” there in my heart in the first place?
So I have the dreams and I’m working on the skills…there’s just nothing in this world already existing that I can see myself fit into. Hah big deal right? God You’ll create something in due time.





You know those days when it feels like you’ve lost every battle, even some you didn’t even know you were in. Everything’s pulling you down; somehow you just want to frown. Everything hurts but nothing’s meant to. Everything bugs you…you just sleep it off.


xD












You see...
One day I’m going to look back and say “ hah I even did A levels…and they weren’t that bad.”….
One day I’m going to look back and see how I got through this time with friends and a few laughs and tears.
I’ll keep looking for that simple thing to cheer me up, for that country song, for that thrill,
For the bus that would take me home…yet my last call will always be what should have been my first.



I must say…everyone going crazy is quite funny. Think about it…at least we’re doing it together! We’ll all get pimples and dark circles under our eyes from lack of sleep together wahey! xD

(8) Ask him how he made it and he’ll tell you faith and sweat (8)…
I’m loving the fact that all these country songs have deep lyrics honestly.








I'm just gna paste some poetry and leave it there...Gn and so long! xD

Photos are really inspiring.

This is my attempt at being creative…
At writing in search of inspiration
Rather than writing out of inspiration.

This is my attempt at brining back
Memories and rekindling feelings
Of excitement and urgency; sacredness.

This is my attempt at belonging to the one
That matters, leaving my belongings
In a place that does not.

This is my attempt at begging, pleading
And seeking favour on behalf of those
Who don’t know but want to and those who just don’t.


This is my attempt to move your heart,
To move their hearts to move their hands,
To move more hearts.
(read it again…it actually makes sense xD)

This is my attempt to serve and keep falling
In love with the one who sustains
To allow me to bring to them the option of satisfaction.



This is my attempt at being; but being different-
Being obedient, being brave, being fearless…
Because perfect love drives out all fear!


This is my attempt at believing and being
Genuine, realer than sincere,
More full of life than enthusiasm.

This is my attempt at risk,
And giving rise, to rare righteousness
And readiness to be rebellious; reborn.

This is my attempt at creativity…
To bring a new prayer.
My heart is exposed and all my attempts are useless…
As useless as me attempting to kill the mosquito
Flying too close
Clapping it to its end.

So my thoughts may fly off form time to time
But my physique and form,
Essence and intellect,
Reason and attitude,
My pluck and purpose
All want to be for God for keeps
Till the cows come home!



Which means I got thesaurus happy for “I’ll follow with all my body, soul, mind and heart.” xD


_________________________________________________________

I’m the type of girl to have lists for everything
I’m also the girl with accurate timetables
And things I’m strong headed about sticking to.

I won’t let big things have huge effects on me
But the tiniest things can grab my mood
And smash it to the ground
…Huge effects indeed.


______________________________________________

Not because I dress cool,
am cool,
or look cool.

Not because I’ve been big,
been right,
or been fun.

Not because I can do anything better,
more uniquely
or with more style.
not because I wear my clothes inside out
But… just because.


_______________________________________________

I’m here. I’m there.
Somewhere moving.
Somewhere stirring.

I’m this. I’m that.
Something starting.
Something burning.

I’m His. I’m her.
Someone curious.
Someone fighting.

I’m weak. I’m stale.
Somehow trusting.
Somehow waiting.

I’m none. I’m yours.
Somebody calling.
Somebody wanting.

Someday someday
You’re love. I’ve lacked.
You’ve won. I lost.

________________________________________________




This is not fair.
How can they tell creative people not to be?
How can they make them be parrots?
How can they steal every spare second,
How can they take all their time when it never really belonged to them?

Gagga. (Elaine!! xD)

How can they decide that stress should be part of everyone’s diet?
Why should we juggle things that are so heavy? So NOT ourselves?
I’m being tied down.
I’m expected to follow
by people who cannot ever understand what it’s like to be me
inside my head and having the urge and ability
to create but to have the time and frame of mind
taken form you.

I might be fussing. xD
But I find it hard feeling as though I’m the only one…
Whilst everyone else wants what their doing
And have no other option.
So I’ll surrender again for the millionth time.
This is were You want me.



Thank you for rain. Gentleness.
Consistency and turmoils at intervals.
Simple things that show you care about detail
And you have a plan. Masterpiece.
Created for and with a purpose.

Monday, March 1, 2010

If I can smile at a mirror...

You know those adverts where students are smiling whilst sitting at their books in a university library? And everyone looks happy with what they’re doing, urging other students to attend their college.
Well, I tried that today…I chucked a little mirror in front of me whilst studying and every now and then looked up at it as enthusiastically as i could...as though I’m doing the best thing I could ever be doing right not…and you know what? It worked. I started smiling at myself… Wishing I could be that happy girl in the mirror…until I realised. I am that she. And I can be happy whilst studying Chemistry on a lovely moonlit night. xD

(8)Because i'm just an alien tumtumtum xD (8)

"I'm a 'glorious mess'...Raw edges. A mountain of imperfections! i thought that Jesus loved me in spite of these things - now i recognize that he loved me because of them. It is my mess that Jesus takes delight in making glorious." - Dorothy Savage

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Thursday, February 4, 2010

If Somewhere, Something and Someone have my name on it.

*Blogger knows how to tick me off...all my layout-efforts have proven to be useless again...as soon as i click publish all the words space out exactly as they please to..*

I feel like a mug of tea…
Just brewing.
I feel like a cracker in a packet…
Waiting; watching the world go by.
I feel like a sprinkle of seasoning…
Used and put back on the shelf.

Like an item cooking, boiling, frying.
I’ve been through all the phases and now on stand by
I stay.
Set aside but not wavering…
Resting but alive; awake; alert.

I’m on the look out; on my guard
For some sort of direction…
A course; a road; a track…
Unbroken; undeviating; uninterrupted.




_________________________________________________

I’m not sure…
Sometimes I feel more alone, wondering and misunderstood
than ever…
everyone seems to care…
until they’re just looking in
like the rest of the world.
Leaving me feeling like I’m the
Only one
Constantly looking out;
Trying to love and reach out.
Like I’m the only one putting effort into things…
Like I’m the one and only UNDERDOG ….all the time.

Brought up in it...People
Will not,
Can not,
Have not
Ever seen what
It’s like, what
I’m like, who
I am.



Not worth explaining coz I’ll be disappointed.
No one can get me,
That’s the feeling…
That I’m alone with You always and forever.

I think I’d be fine…
Knowing I had to get through simply
With You and with none other
Than You.

But they think they understand….
They think they know and love
But I don’t feel loved…
They think they have me all figured out
But I’m just giving them bad ideas,
Twisted ideas…that are not me.

I say something and they take it any way they like
Forming their own picture of me…



but no one really Wants to know the real me…
Nope.
No one does.
It’s painful.
And it’s also painful that only here and now
Can I confess that it is.

So many warped ideas; so many people thinking they know…
That I don’t feel I’ll ever manage to make that much effort to untangle them all now
And make them straight again.

I’ll go to sleep. They’ll go to sleep.
We’ll go to sleep,
Each thinking the other is fine.
But nobody knows
And nobody wants to.

It’s scary but I believe it…
Nobody knows
And nobody wants to.

Everyone’s perfectly fine living their life
WITHOUT me as an extra burden.
They try; they care…
But no one gets far enough…
No one gets to me…

So I blame myself for being too difficult
to understand…and maybe I just am –
A hard nut to crack
A hard shell to break
But Lord You know I try…
You know I long for that someone to manage
maybe just to make it
Possible to succeed at reaching me.


I’m sorry but I’m sick of all the unreturned effort I put into friendships
And I don’t think I have it in me
To go on.



So I’ll praise You for being strong
In my weakness.
For being lifted up day after day
As tears fall.
For remaining worthy and holy
As I break and fold.


For being IN the gentle storms That bring a sense of refreshment and new beauty.
For being in those storms where Helplessness crashes in the thunder,
and loneliness lights up the night in the lightning.
For being in those storms and rains of desperation, despair and anguish.
For being
That ray of hope
That trickling tear down a cheek
That rain drop gently dripping down a surface
With a sense of
Reassurance,
Peace,
And could it be?
Perhaps.
Love.

There’s a peace the world cannot give
And how well I know it.

The first drop…
Perhaps that takes the longest, hardest and most effort to fall…
Just till it shows the other drops what to do…
It’s exposed; falling helplessly…
Until they all are…
Falling chattily
Falling enthusiastically with life and purpose.

And a new dawn
WILL come…
After stings of cold wing
Will come warmth seeping in
Flowing freely.




I’m waiting here to watch the rain…
Lord the skies are your canvas
Where You paint Your love story to me
Day after day, view after view.
Your hand crafts night after night,
Sunrise after sunrise, cloud after star
After moon after raindrop and lightning bolt.
For me
For me…
(Do you hear?)
For Me.

With conviction I’ll put my pencil down tonight…
To a God who’s saying
“It’s all in my hands.
I am Your provider.”
And I’ll sleep with the same peace that only my God can give.
Share this I pray Lord, with humanity –
Your people.






Ok so the monkey pictures quite funny :p but i remembered this song and liked it again nd thought i should post. :)

Sunday, January 3, 2010

If I blame myself for failing, am I blaming myself for succeeding?

*oo oo first scroll down and press play so u hav some background music whilst u read xD*

I felt loved and was loved. I loved.
I had good times at JC; on roundabouts, in libraries, in lessons.
A few Christmas meals, masses, and celebrations later I’m still here.
With friends around me and a God so much greater than me.
A supporting family that pushed me through my watery-eyed moments
And rolled their eyes at me and laughed in my happiest moments.
I was unsure about certain things; but I had strong convictions about others.
I suppressed feelings, let out lots of others; learnt from people and taught a few.

I ate the weirdest of things; I cooked perhaps not the best of things.
I had very enjoyable meals, boring ones and just plain uncomfortable ones.
I played football, Wii, piano and a couple of guitars.
I’ve worn dress after dresss, at 18th after 18th.
I’ve played song after song at event after event.
I’ve posed for photos in England, Malta, Gozo and Comino.
I’ve slept on floors, sofas, air mattresses and beds –
At farmhouses, summerhouses, campsites and friends’ houses.

I entertained and was entertained.
I worked, helped and served getting so much in return.
I’ve been the most known and the biggest nobody.
I’ve felt cool and lame and tall and short and beautiful and ugly and smart and stupid
in the same night.
I’ve felt let down, picked up, revived, abandoned, refreshed and exhausted.
I’ve met person after person and became part of life after life.


I swam at the weirdest of hours with the craziest of people.
I’ve prayed with the largest of groups and all by myself.
I’ve watched good movies, bad ones, funny ones and avoided a couple here and there.
I’ve been understood, misunderstood and I understood.
I’ve spent time with people, away from people, and simply amidst people.

I’ve gotten sick; I’ve taken care of people and have been taken care of.
I’ve been on fire, lukewarm and just plain cold.
I’ve sung in the shower, in the studio, in front of people and to little crowds.
I’ve done the craziest and the most boring of things
....but I was created to.




And for all this…I am grateful.