Tuesday, March 9, 2010

If I could kill mosquitoes :)

I wish I knew what I wanted of my life…not that it would matter.

But like all those people out there, pursuing their dreams, I would join them…
Not that it would matter.

I would look at schools, apply at places, dream and work at being the best….not that it matters.

I would give my full undivided attention to one thing and I’d be good at it, and I would do good for people and continue praying through out…. Not that it would matter.

I wish I weren’t staring at this screen wondering how on earth, and when exactly my life would take on a direction… maybe it would matter.

There’s something…maybe it’s a feeling, maybe it’s my imagination…I’m not sure….But something’s telling me to trust and I won’t be disappointed…something’s telling me I have no say in what’s coming next… something’s saying “Hold On…Sooner rather than later you’ll know, then you’ll look back, and laugh!”…or rather be gob-smacked at how petty my dreams were compared to the reality then.
It’s all a matter of when…all a matter of trusting that God you wont be too late!
You won’t make me do something smaller than I wish to!
Trusting that you’re seeing my tears…my lost thoughts wondering getting pulled at by so many…but choosing to surrender everything to You.
The hardest thing alive.
What is it in us? That makes us panic when we’re lost? As though we’re meant to be found? As though we’re meant to belong? As though we’re meant to mean something to someone somewhere?
So see, it’s pretty obvious that if we’re looking for meaning and we’ve realised there’s a lack of meaning in what we’re currently doing then it must be that there actually is a meaning to something. Because if there was no meaning to anything then I wouldn’t even know what meaning is, right? If the world was dark all the time and there was never any light then we wouldn’t know what darkness is because we wouldn’t know anything else.

Father God do you see? I’m desperate here? Do you see I’m crying here? Asking for direction, meaning and a significant role to play in this world that you love. Will I ever see the reason you made me the way you did? Such a jumble of different talents, thoughts and ideas… with such a confused head of thoughts wondering whether to go left, right, give it all up or give it all I’ve got.
Father God do you see? Do you hear? I need you to!
I’m scared. Of being mundane. Of being boring and doing something ordinary…I don’t want to. Why do I imagine you want me to do something I don’t want to do?....when you were the one who placed the “wants” ,”wishes” and “dreams” there in my heart in the first place?
So I have the dreams and I’m working on the skills…there’s just nothing in this world already existing that I can see myself fit into. Hah big deal right? God You’ll create something in due time.

You know those days when it feels like you’ve lost every battle, even some you didn’t even know you were in. Everything’s pulling you down; somehow you just want to frown. Everything hurts but nothing’s meant to. Everything bugs you…you just sleep it off.


You see...
One day I’m going to look back and say “ hah I even did A levels…and they weren’t that bad.”….
One day I’m going to look back and see how I got through this time with friends and a few laughs and tears.
I’ll keep looking for that simple thing to cheer me up, for that country song, for that thrill,
For the bus that would take me home…yet my last call will always be what should have been my first.

I must say…everyone going crazy is quite funny. Think about it…at least we’re doing it together! We’ll all get pimples and dark circles under our eyes from lack of sleep together wahey! xD

(8) Ask him how he made it and he’ll tell you faith and sweat (8)…
I’m loving the fact that all these country songs have deep lyrics honestly.

I'm just gna paste some poetry and leave it there...Gn and so long! xD

Photos are really inspiring.

This is my attempt at being creative…
At writing in search of inspiration
Rather than writing out of inspiration.

This is my attempt at brining back
Memories and rekindling feelings
Of excitement and urgency; sacredness.

This is my attempt at belonging to the one
That matters, leaving my belongings
In a place that does not.

This is my attempt at begging, pleading
And seeking favour on behalf of those
Who don’t know but want to and those who just don’t.

This is my attempt to move your heart,
To move their hearts to move their hands,
To move more hearts.
(read it again…it actually makes sense xD)

This is my attempt to serve and keep falling
In love with the one who sustains
To allow me to bring to them the option of satisfaction.

This is my attempt at being; but being different-
Being obedient, being brave, being fearless…
Because perfect love drives out all fear!

This is my attempt at believing and being
Genuine, realer than sincere,
More full of life than enthusiasm.

This is my attempt at risk,
And giving rise, to rare righteousness
And readiness to be rebellious; reborn.

This is my attempt at creativity…
To bring a new prayer.
My heart is exposed and all my attempts are useless…
As useless as me attempting to kill the mosquito
Flying too close
Clapping it to its end.

So my thoughts may fly off form time to time
But my physique and form,
Essence and intellect,
Reason and attitude,
My pluck and purpose
All want to be for God for keeps
Till the cows come home!

Which means I got thesaurus happy for “I’ll follow with all my body, soul, mind and heart.” xD


I’m the type of girl to have lists for everything
I’m also the girl with accurate timetables
And things I’m strong headed about sticking to.

I won’t let big things have huge effects on me
But the tiniest things can grab my mood
And smash it to the ground
…Huge effects indeed.


Not because I dress cool,
am cool,
or look cool.

Not because I’ve been big,
been right,
or been fun.

Not because I can do anything better,
more uniquely
or with more style.
not because I wear my clothes inside out
But… just because.


I’m here. I’m there.
Somewhere moving.
Somewhere stirring.

I’m this. I’m that.
Something starting.
Something burning.

I’m His. I’m her.
Someone curious.
Someone fighting.

I’m weak. I’m stale.
Somehow trusting.
Somehow waiting.

I’m none. I’m yours.
Somebody calling.
Somebody wanting.

Someday someday
You’re love. I’ve lacked.
You’ve won. I lost.


This is not fair.
How can they tell creative people not to be?
How can they make them be parrots?
How can they steal every spare second,
How can they take all their time when it never really belonged to them?

Gagga. (Elaine!! xD)

How can they decide that stress should be part of everyone’s diet?
Why should we juggle things that are so heavy? So NOT ourselves?
I’m being tied down.
I’m expected to follow
by people who cannot ever understand what it’s like to be me
inside my head and having the urge and ability
to create but to have the time and frame of mind
taken form you.

I might be fussing. xD
But I find it hard feeling as though I’m the only one…
Whilst everyone else wants what their doing
And have no other option.
So I’ll surrender again for the millionth time.
This is were You want me.

Thank you for rain. Gentleness.
Consistency and turmoils at intervals.
Simple things that show you care about detail
And you have a plan. Masterpiece.
Created for and with a purpose.


Maxi said...

Bett u amaze me!!! xD

Elaine said...

you amaze me everytime! and it's nice to see some of my own thoughts written out.. it's comforting :) ur too good ta xD you should have a column in the newspaper just to make everyone think and get lost in their thoughts xD

mc said...

i like the comment above mine eh XD

haha my wrd verification is: sednes (quite depressing dnt u think xD)

Bettina said...

haha thanks guys...ejja we can start a magazine together...Krissy Cassar always dreamt of being Editor of one =P
You can do some poems Mar, and El can write philosphical and analytical essays and Max can design it xD...