Saturday, May 29, 2010

So I’ve been reading about the Middle Child Syndrome; these psychology things make me think, and I think I can safely say, thinking is one of my hobbies.

Some parts are not true in my case, and others are very evident.
But I can honestly remember a time in my life where it was a big deal that I was the middle child. I wasn’t the eldest, like my Dad and brother. I wasn’t the youngest, like my Mum and sister. I was in between…experimenting and searching for a way to express myself and find my ‘space’ in life.

One thing all the articles said was how middle kids end up being creative, taking a huge interest either in literature, art, music, writing, journalism or something of the sort. Now that, I thought was cool…and had an element of truth to it, seeing as for me music and writing are my “Get-my-message-across” methods.

But even all this, can be totally weightless on a balance. Even all the fighting for attention and to be noticed is useless when looking at life with a God-given perspective. Everything we once found ourselves living for becomes totally worthless…it rises on a balance.

All my worries of exams and what exactly I’m going to do in the upcoming year can really get me worrying. And sometimes, admittedly out of habit, I turn to God with my worries, praying He’d take care of me, yet I still find myself wondering if He cares. If any of my prayers are making a difference. If everything just remains static or if He cares and is actually moving, changing and sorting things out…just slowly. At His time. Not mine.

I’m learning to deny myself. Things do not have to go my way. Why should my happiness be dependent on getting what I want?

“If any man would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” Mark 8:34

To hold others’ interests
Above my own.
I will not live for pleasure.
I will not live for power.
I will not surrender responsibility for my life and actions.

I’m chasing the birds...Because they know how to live without worries. They are taken care of. They do not sow or reap or store things away, and yet they are fed.

“Are you not much more valuable than they?”

Then it all came down to this. In my most anxious A level times… Who was keeping me grounded? Who was my ‘meaning’; the weight on the balance keeping me down?

Nope. Things change way too slowly.
They might even be static.
One second I’m fully trusting,
The next fully let down.

Still. All-or-nothing. Always. Never.
This is not solitude. It’s more like emptiness.
Like I’m rising on balance…
Nothing weighty and worthy within me.

Nothing keeps me down any longer,
But I still search for stillness.

I’m back here
Satisfied by nothing,
drawing closer to You.
I guess it’s an unfair game
But I’m trying.

I’m running across the dry field,
I’m seeing the man of my dreams
With His arms wide open,
Nothing like all those others I’ve described to you
Night after night.
And the moment was not sprinkled
With imperfections like heat, misunderstandings and humidity.

Maybe we can all relate here,
Something’s described to us so beautiful
but it doesn’t turn out that way…
but this wasn’t like that!

I never really found
The comfort I searched for in humans…
I always dreamt of crying on someone’s shoulder,
In someone’s hug…

So I chased the birds across the field,
The only things between me and Him…
Hoping He’d wait long enough for me to arrive to Him…

Now I can’t tell if it’s me or Him that’s crying.
Which one of us is happiest?
To whom does this mean most?

That was the explanation of the song i posted last week.... i'll leave you with...

Don't you somehow feel understood by this? xD


Kai said...

beautiful (:

lilly :) said...

i really like your post! very thought inducing hehe (Y)

Bettina said...

Thaankss :) Glad u liked