Saturday, November 21, 2009

If that's why He came...

(8)I’m still singing hallelujah; I’m still singing hallelujah to the Lord.(8)

Somehow I’m embracing the feeling of being left alone and forgotten on a Saturday night…and I’m enjoying it. Not just in a melancholic “I’m in alone on a Saturday way”…but in an honest enjoyment. xD Just the feeling of having nobody running after me; no schedule tying me back…just time to read, write, chat to my cousins online whilst the house is quiet.

'It’s as if it weren’t me… a few months ago...a few days ago.
Someone else. Living a better life – with better friends, better moments, better figures and better quality. And now I’m just here at the side watching as it swishes past. Do I know anything other than sitting in the wings of the curtains working on props and backstage worries? Is it a good thing to live to make others shine like stars? (5-11-09)'

I journalled this a couple of days ago…excuse the depth and length but hey just in case you have nothing else to do on a Saturday night!

I don’t get it.. if God gave me my dreams, my thoughts and my talents…then all my dreams should take place…it’s like why would He give me dreams of something He doesn’t want me to do? And I’m not talking about things I simply want or look at and suddenly wish for. I’m talking about those dreams that ring in my ears day after day…those hopes and plans that I must so often surrender.
They must happen one day…He must want for them to happen if He gave me them and gives me them over and over so often.

“We do not want you to become lazy but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised.” Hebrews 6:!2

Little side note: I want to find a theory as to why I’m claustrophobic…I think it may have something to do with childbirth to be quite honest xD

Clinging to the cross is playing in the background…sometimes when you have nothing else to depend on…God-things become so much real-er don’t you think?

Sometimes I feel I’m living in fear…fear of being known.
Is it because I’m scared of new things?
The aim was to become more like You God,
More like I want to become.
I’m not a nice person
I don’t bring love TO people and the good OUT of people.

I simply condemn, fail, accuse and let down.
I’m simply not a loving person.
There’s so much I need to be healed from;
Too much that I lack…
I’m scared to rock the boat.
I don’t like change or disagreement.
Differences, they get to me…
Quarrels for some reason I can’t point out, petrify me.

I keep the peace I’m sacred to make.
I can’t live as a keeper if that’s not the way
My maker wants me.

So let’s make peace firstly with myself…
It bugs me that I break, it bugs me that I’m not super human
It bugs me that it’s hard to depend on people,
It bugs me that in the world’s eyes these precious vulnerable moments are hated,
It bugs me that I want to be in control, that I live for just me, that it’s hard to surrender,
That I feel weak, that fear and helplessness can paralyze me,
that analysis doesn’t always lead to solutions,
and solutions aren’t always what I want!

It bugs me that tears wont flow and
It’s difficult to make peace though I know…
I need that peace of mind that only God can offer me!

Help me forgive myself? Grace me with the abandonment and surrender I long to give you?
Help me trust all I need to? Be bold as much as I wish to?
It hurt…when I felt used.
It hurt… when they didn’t understand
When I expected them too.
It hurt…when they didn’t give me what I needed.

See? Wrong mentalities! I’m doing it all for me!
This life. That’s why I’m doing it. Change me! Save me!

“He said that this was what He was coming to do – to bring freedom, healing, forgiveness, restoration then and now.”

My coping strategies keep failing yet I refuse to go to Jesus first!

“I stand at the door and knock…to come in and share a meal with you.” ( Rev. 3:20)

It’s hard to confess a thought such as this, but sometimes I’m scared of being boring. I have a fear of being unwanted… rejected if I’m not solid. Why do You want to come in? Yet why am I believing the lies that I’m unlovable?

*I’m skipping parts…it’s a way too long entry…xD after a lot more rambling I felt totally freed…*

Freed from worries of the future
Freed from thoughts that say I’ll be alone and unhappy; without a purpose.
Music’s singing out violently. Battles are raging…My freedom! You won it and have given it to me.
…You listen when I speak…you’re trying to show me You care. I shouldn’t expect to be ignored when I approach Love itself! I need more ‘out-of-this-world’ expectations when I come to you!

I may be failing to reach my unattainable standards. But whose standard am I going to live to aspire to? It’s ok to not reach their standards if You say so…Rid me of any false guilt.

Ok…I’m ending of real :)… Latest song-in-the-making….

I’m not sure whether you thought of it this way
I’d hate it though if this is how it’s gonna stay.

I was never meant to be born in a world that’s about me.
Sky was never meant to stay grey once the rain has come and gone.
Kids were never meant to suck thumbs for lack of food and falling crumbs.

He walked in, the passage cleared; the people sneered.
We wished him well and waved goodbye. He’s just gone.

He walked in, the passage filled; the people filed.
We shook his hand; didn’t let him stand. He’s just gone.

I was never meant to be born in a world that’s about me.
Sky was never meant to stay grey once the rain has come and gone.
Kids were never meant to suck thumbs for lack of food and falling crumbs.

Time is running and we wont catch up
While we’re loving our lives there are people
Who are pleading and screaming and needing
Someone to speak up, to speak up!
Coz they cannot speak for themselves…
They cannot speak for themselves.


Maxine said...

the amounts of thoughts that go through ur head amaze me bet! haha i love them though :) xD

mc said...

"I’m scared of being boring. I have a fear of being unwanted… rejected if I’m not solid" .... luv it bet...gr8 post as always :) xx

MINA said...

I didn't know you were claustrophobic.. glad you utilised your night in well though (:.

Matt said...

This blog was way long, but well worth it. The middle section read like a poem, then a modern day psalm, then a poem again. :)

Bettina said...

Thanks guys! Glad u got thru it :) xx