If a day could have a little more time... i might learn this lesson once and for all!

So lets get straight to my latest thoughts that have been developing throughout these past few days during the dance course, and the rest of my busy days juggling y4j activities and band rehearsals xD

I'm not quite sure how to put these thoughts to words without sounding pointless xD
You see..i'm the type of person who always tries to do things alone...and not ask for help...and to try [and keep trying] till i succeed, always thinking i can do this [or could have done this] better!
For example something as stupid as PCs...when i was young i would go and spend time experimenting with stuff on the PC...and den phil would come along a couple of years later and rather than trying every little thing herself and failing and trying again until she manages..she would ask me for help xD and i would gladly help her feelin proud dat i can help...

and typing this out seems really pointless but lately i realised dat since i sorta brought myself up that way..its now effecting my God-life xD...in the sense that I always want to do stuf for god but my way...and if sometimes God asks me to do stuff i'm never pleased with its standard so to speak....and i always approach god with a similar prayer like:
"i'm sorry i could have done it better but didnt"
and what i think God has been trying to tell me for the past i'm-not-sure-how-long... is that He's pleased with the way i'm doin stuff..and although he does have high standards He isn't "unpleaseable!"...so what's really hard to digest is that tonight at y4j all i kept hearin God tell me is that he's happy with who i am...he loves me and thinks i am his good and faithful servant...and although the good i sometimes do may go unnoticed by people..he sees it all...
and he isnt like us... he doesnt focus on the bad..nor is he pleased with it however...but the point is..He is pleased with me and wants me to digest the fact that He wants to love me!!!!


and i think what i really want to let you all know today is that....even though so many times people complain to do things for u...or seem to be "loving you" out of duty..God wants to love us! and He needs us to allow Him to do that!...



i couldn't [and still find it hard to] swallow that JEsus WANTS to love me.. like he wants to ta.. he doesnt moan wen he does sumting for me like my parents might... or tells me to come bak later coz he doesnt hav time wen i need sum1 to talk to.. he just wants to luv me 24/7!! nd.. u knw i just cant.. deal with it in a way.. its hard to sink in... like why God do u want to luv me?.. nd i knw God loves me and ive been knwing for like forever.. but lately.... i feel unworthy of it.. nd at every adoration and praise and mass etcetc..these thoughts bring me to tears.. and i get flashbacks of all d times ive been rejected and told "i dont hav time for u"

Last Soul Survivor... d only time i cried der was coz of this reason.. nd one time d enabling team lady told me.. "wats God telling u?".....nd i was just wobblin with my eyes closed u knw? (xD)... nd like..i said aloud.. he's telling me..he wants to luv me.. nd at that moment i burst into tears!!


So if you're thinking no1 has time for you..*brace urself for the true cliche' phrase*...God does..and not only does he have time for you but he WANTS to love you!...and i think u'll probably end up realising you want to love Him back with everything you do just as I realised but I'll let you come to that conclusion all by yourself...xD

To carry on with the "no time for antying" theme xD i'll go on just a tad bit longer about my present stresses of juggling piano, dancing, y4j, band, family, friends, future school and subjects etc... xD sometimes it all seems like too much..and i'd wish God would have given me one talent coz dat way i wont have to juggle anything i'd just focus my stength on that..but i think that he blessed me with more talents to do more for him... and so i take that as a responsibility..and i want to do everything the best way i can..which is why i end up feelin slightly stressed... coz although i know dat if God wants me to do something he'll give me the strngth to do it..its usually easier said than done..xD...so i meekly try to cast my burdens onto God believing He can give me a chilled heart..
this brings me to another mobile-poem i wrote lately...xD
first one on the new phone pls note xD

I'm being stretched out too thin..
things pullin me from all directions..
control slipping out of my fingers..
friendships;gifts left unworked on..
i cant keep myself together anymore..

how can you hold the universe in your hands?
all its problems, tragedies and mess-ups?
can it rly be you'll use my helplessness for your glory?

i'l stay here
broken; abondoning myself in your love..
In your embrace!

So although life may attempt stretching you in every direction... find out God's dream for you..set a goal and reach it..and be either hot or cold...be totally for something..or totally against it...let God be the one you fall back on when your plans don't really work out perfectly and let Him use every little part of you to the full...xD
*mini sermon ended*
The family calls me to bed since its late..but i felt like blogging glee xD..lemme read if wat i wrote makes sense and i will leave you all..
Blessings
xxxxxxxxx

If my true testimony had to be written..

So i was meant to come down from St. Pauls Bay, which is where we live in summer, to babysit..but on my way down my mum calls and says she cancelled and doesnt need me..so i get to spend a day in san gwann since i dont think there's anyone at exiles and since there are no buses to get me there anyway i'l just stay home...
i already washed the car; and looked at photos of my social which i hadn't had chance to see; and prayed..etc..xD...
ooo btw i will try use correct spelling and maybe even some punctuation since my english-teacher uncle moaned about my spellin and grammar on my blog last time i met him haha (Shout out to uncle danny..i mean Uncle Danny xD =P)
insomma i missed blabbing all my thoughts to you people so once again here comes a long post probably..
i flicked through my journals this morning...and read this..

Lord i dont mind hurting

coz hurts can be healed..

i'm not worried about insults

because they can be forgiven.

Even death cannot scare me

because I'm going to rise to new life...

But loneliness Lord,

I wish it were a problem

because it would have a solution

but it's a state..

that i doubt i'll ever manage to change on the inside.

"You're never alone coz I am with you...for all eternity."

I don't need to understand why..

i'll just cling on to Your promises

yet surrender to You and believe You'll get me through.

once again...i didn't type this out for pity but so that i can explain myself a bit better and so that if anyone's ever felt the same it might give them some comfort knowing that we probably have all felt this way before...

You see although many of us are surrounded by people that love us most of the time..we often isolate ourselves and keep all our thoughts to ourselves making us feel lonely and perhaps unloved! we often concentrate on the bitter words..the offensive comments and the negative thoughts that get shouted at us day in day out...and we tend to wollow in a sea of hurts and loneliness without thinkin of the most simple yet complicated way out of all this!!!

and the "simple yet complicated" way out is actually talking to someone! letting people know what we feel even if it might be embarassin or perhaps humbling since we all try act the macho xD people wont think you're pitying yourself or like beggin for attention if u just tell them u need to blab out some thoughts...and for that matter neither would God...i think He loves it when we do blab everything out actually even though He knows what's going on!

You see sometimes my bed-time prayers would look like this:

A day full of events..You were there

Am I keeping You to myself..sharing?

Helping out? Or making things worse?

It's official I'm a teenager

I think deep thoughts and

even get offended easily.

Often, I'm confused...

(xD *laughs at her own prayer-poem that she wrote a year ago)

Sometimes I wish I had control

over things that make friends hurt..

Or the words to comfort them..

Some more time to spend with them

Praying without quick answers

I'm so impatient..my insides..

it feels they're being ripped apart between.. wanting to help and to be helped..

to cry and to let people cry on my shoulder..

to hurt and to let them share their hurts..

Why do we hide?...Uncovering wont stop the pain...I promise...

but it will help.

and other times they were abit more creative and they would end up a song like "Tear it down"..which was actually a journal entry that i ended up butchering and editing until it turned into a song xD

But you see guys..i think one thing i learned when i hurt is that..other people who seem to be OK are hurting too...and by knowing that we can be more of help to each other..You see sometimes i catch myself saying words to help people only because i want to hear those words myself..but occasionly the only person to actually tell you.."It's going to be OK" and "we'll make it together"..is God! I truly believe only He can help this broken world!

So finally my conclusion is that although i had days where i didn't love living and i didn't look forawrd to a new day... as drained as I may feel God remains. Pouring out thoughts helps but God never promised everything would be fine. So through our little suffering-moments I honestly believe God will take us to newer levels..deeper perhaps a more complex level of our relationship with Him!

And the times when we're on spiritual "high"s..haha xD... i suggest writing those down too so that they'll help you carry on in harder times! xD

(you know..it feels like I keep saying the same thing..and gettin nowhere..but this is my current wavelength since i'm lookin back at the up-and-down journeys I had during school u ekk to get throught these O levels successfully..so I guesss I;m just sharing lol)..So not only when things were hardish but also when things seemed to be plain-sailing I found myself getting lost in a world of God's revelations to me!...

(my prayer in the beginning of this year xD)..

Did i ever let you know how cool i think You are?

If i were born 80 years ago..I would have given You a better description..

Something posh, long and meaningful..

But tonight... I wanna tell you..

You're the coolest person I've ever known

and the most powerful God there will ever be!

You never end, You help me when I'm needy

And these simple cliche' descriptions..

they seem to say exactly what I feel! xD

You're great God..
and i say this with the happy, innocent heart

of a five-year old who's just found out something new!

God's answer to me was equally amsuing xD :

You'll be my love forever..You wont get out of mind

You're written on the palm of my hand..

I tihink you're fab and you're nowhere near perfection

so we have a journey ahead of us...

of highs and lows to go through..

projects and hassles to pull through..

But i'll be here..i love you..

do you hear?

so this brings me to the end of this blog xD...and i gots no more to say xD..except with God by my side this year has been more bearable and worth living..and that is my true testimony!

Blessings to all xD

(if anyone's still not bored of me u can read the poem i wrote right after the previous prayer xD..it was on the y4j forum once...so i'm just pasting it incase u feel like a longer read xD)

11/03/2008

Do you hear me when i say 'i love you'?

I wonder.. if you did..will you stop

Harming yourself, putting downall that you are?

If you knew..I loved you, would you perhaps

realise you can be you, no one else?

You'd know deep down you were worth my life,

and you'd live like a precious treasure

knowing your value; love and confidence

an overflowing result of this.. If only

You'd let me love you.. comfort you..

in the middle of the darkest night

you'd stay with me.. i'd stay with u

so you'd believe i love you

coz i really do.. do you hear?

Can i shout it louder than the way i did?

I hung.. humbled, helpless.. hoping You

would say you loved me too..

so we could spend eternity together..

and i could share All i've got with you...

so you wont have to hurt or cry anymore,

without my hands collecting each tear before

it hit the ground with a crash..

accept my love...forgiveness..

let my comfort and peace be with you tonight..

let me be with You..

be still and know that

I Am God.

If any of u were wondering...*scroll to d bottom xD*

the whole house is asleep..and i get some time to myself in the quietness and dark of the night *english essay title lol*...once again im feelin hot and sticky..but im quite in d mood of writing out some thoughts

so today we played basketball at night and like it was rly funny coz d ball blended in perfectly with the ground since it was so dark..so many times someone would throw the ball to me and i'd think im about to catch it but it smacks me in the face coz i don't see it coming..and it made me think how in this world stuff is thrown at us and like sin is camouflaged by the world and then after a while of us thinking we're surviving nd doing fine it smacks us right across the face and leaves us hurting..just like the ball did.. xD*d smiley is because i'm remembering the ball smacking me in d face xD*

this morning when i opened my bible b4 d-group (big wave to my dgroup buddies dat i wuv so much)... i read this..

"i served the Lord with great humility
and with tears...
however i consider my life worth nothing to me,
if only i may finish the race and complete the task
the Lord Jesus has given me -
the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace." (Acts 20:19-35)


many things hit home...first of all that he served the Lord "with tears"...
it gave me hope u knw?..dat wen i feel im doin the right thing but it hurts i'm not alone..when i serve and dont get appreciated i'm not alone... and even though i might have to do things with tears in my eyes and a heavy heart... i'm ready to go to any extreme to serve the Lord! xD

this reminds of the harder parts of my year which is usually January to like April.. the New Year always seems to hav more stresses and hurdles dan d previous one..and every year February and March greet me with mid-yearly exams and the lenten talks...
now school exams aren't usually too stressful for me..but Lenten Talks..dats another thing!
u see at home things get rly stressful since lots of things get left to the last minute to be done..and der'll be people at home 24/7...nd i go mad after a day or 2!... and its during these times in d past years dat i cried myself to sleep at night needing Someone greater to see the real-not-always-happy-and-ready-to-serve me...
i always used to end up drained after the week... nd feelin as though im left attention-less and energy-less..
so this year i braced myself..i knew d hard time was coming with mocs and the lenten talks a week after and a piano exam dat week... and i was sure i wouldnt crack under the pressure this year..i was older and i cud keep everything in for one week..i'd smile my way thru the one hour sessions... try to pray and be real..and be friendly..and the rest of the stuff a perfect Christian Girl would do...

i remember like 2 or 3 yrs ago i wrote this chorus to get thru the lenten talks..:

i'm willing to hurt if You'll help them
I'm ready to stretch if you'll save them
I'm promising to change if You'll cleanse them
I'm trying to love if You'll lift them up

now when i look back at that stanza atm..i'm not sure if it was just a selfless prayer or a take-the-problems-of-the- world- on-my -shoulder..sort of prayer..
see..i'm not sure if ur all thinking im wacko atm..but im trying to express these weird thoughts but words aren't coming..
you see to me it was d week that came every year where i had to give all i had..the week i had to share d most intimate things i had..the closest things to my heart dat i enjoyed keeping to myself...
i had to share my parents..my home..all my time...and give love to everyone which i knew only God would provide me with..and although i fully understood dat only Jesus can keep me going and keep me filled wit this love i knew i had to give my heart still managed to crack every year....so you see when i ended up crying this February i wrote this poem out of pure helplessness as perhaps a more honest cry from my heart sorta prayer...

another year went by
i'm one year older
i should be a couple of
steps infront...

i'm in the same place
been here 2 years running...
thought i grew up..
became independent

but i just want to run,
hide,be alone...but
i need someone to love me

this feeling's too familiar
bitter hurts, sour tears,
cheesy freindships, fleetin days...
where smiles are rare
and people aren't fair..

you may be wondering what i'm gettin at...or how long i'll keep on going on wat seems to be a huge pity party...but wat i'm trying to say is dat..it was during these times dat i can truly say i served God thru tears and even wen it hurt..and i know dat i'll be rewarded for it..so wen it seems dat all d good u do gets unnoticed and is done in vain..dont lose heart..becoz God appreciates it wen we serve Him with our tears..and the prayers we cry in our dryest of moments are the ones dat God is most pleased with! so even though i failed to keep eveything together..God still kept me in His arms as the helpless broken girl i was!

another thing is dat many times we keep looking forward to the future coz we think its more important and offers us more opportunitys..and we forget to live the moment..for example we'll be dyin to be in form 5..nd den wen we leave school we're dyin to get to sixth form (well ok maybe not xD) but u get muypoint?..and like dat we end up not living our form 5 days d best as we could...(yaaaq whyd i use school to explain myself??)...

lol..so like i encourage u not to wait till like school starts again..or till soul survivor..or like next year...this part of ur life is important..this week..this day..this hour..they all have a purpose!! and we have to use all d time we get like cleverly xD forseeing the consequences of our every action and also d good.. i knw im gettin preachy but like..ive also been thinking about how we sometimes we live the moment for the rush of feelin good instantly...and den in d long run we realise it rly did us harm..but we keep repeatin the act neway for d little pleasure it gives us..nd we close our eyes to the eternal sorta consequences it brings along wit it..*confused yet?xD*

gettin back to wat i was saying b4..i just remembered how last summer..wen we came back from soul survivor..i had an argument with someone..and i got rly frustrated nd upset..nd i wrote this song dat most of u knw..

The still ocean, the mighty mountains
Show Your glory.
Day after day, the radiant skies,
they make You known throughout all the earth.

Chorus:

I wil praise You with my tears
with my hurts, with my cries
I will love you and lift you higher,
When I laugh, when I smile.
I will worship you, everyday.


Verse 2:
Though the darkness clouds my vision
I will seek You
You’re my comfort, you’re my shelter
My heart cries out to know You more.

you see this year i decided dat i wud worship God with every tear dat fell..and with every hurt i had...coz i figured dat way i'd honestly be worshiping God in spirit and in truth... and like alot too..*sounding emo-fied xD but vera lol*... nd this song was like the way i offered all my tears to God..nd so i wish ud all do the same..to use every moment of ours to d full..to worship God..with every little emotion, feelin and action of ours...
so like rather than thinking of d stuff we shudnt do and we shud stop doing..lets focus on doing stuff..lets focus on gettin our hands dirty, and giving till it hurts..and worshiping God with all that we have!! xD
well i just went round in circles in this blog but at least it may hav entertained a couple of u for a while xD...i will leave u on a lighter note with a weird "poem" if u can call it dat lool.. Blessings...enjoy xD

if any of you were wondering....how long it takes me to write a blog..
it taks 1 hour. *today it actually took 45 minutes but usually it takes longer xD*

if any of you wer wondering... where they come from...
its from my brain coz i "stay thinking" as Rob nd some others guys know xD

if any of you wer wondering why i blog...
its coz my head cant contain all my thoughts...*or else it will expand so much id be knocking u all over when i walk..xD*

if any of you were wondering why i always blog at midngiht...
its coz dats wen my brain runs wild and free and works best with no distractions

if any of you were wondering why i'm so open with everyone
its coz i just dont care anymore and coz i belive there are no rewards if der are no risks..

if any of you were wondering why i think white chocolate is the best...
its coz my taste buds just know it is...

if any of you were wondering why i love skittles
i think ur mad coz its xtremely obvious why i love them!

if any of you were wondering how many hours a week i play piano
it ranges from 5 hrs to 30 hrs..

if any of you were wondering why i'm a noiseaholic..
just meet my family!

if any of you were wondering why i dont wear makeup a lot..
its coz i dont wanna hide my natural beauty,,

if any of you were wondering why i have the friends i do..
its coz dey waste so much time reading rubbish like this
that i just feel like a genious around them!


*lol xcuse d lameness i was bored wen i wrote this xD*