So lets get straight to my latest thoughts that have been developing throughout these past few days during the dance course, and the rest of my busy days juggling y4j activities and band rehearsals xD
I'm not quite sure how to put these thoughts to words without sounding pointless xD
You see..i'm the type of person who always tries to do things alone...and not ask for help...and to try [and keep trying] till i succeed, always thinking i can do this [or could have done this] better!
For example something as stupid as PCs...when i was young i would go and spend time experimenting with stuff on the PC...and den phil would come along a couple of years later and rather than trying every little thing herself and failing and trying again until she manages..she would ask me for help xD and i would gladly help her feelin proud dat i can help...
and typing this out seems really pointless but lately i realised dat since i sorta brought myself up that way..its now effecting my God-life xD...in the sense that I always want to do stuf for god but my way...and if sometimes God asks me to do stuff i'm never pleased with its standard so to speak....and i always approach god with a similar prayer like:
"i'm sorry i could have done it better but didnt"
and what i think God has been trying to tell me for the past i'm-not-sure-how-long... is that He's pleased with the way i'm doin stuff..and although he does have high standards He isn't "unpleaseable!"...so what's really hard to digest is that tonight at y4j all i kept hearin God tell me is that he's happy with who i am...he loves me and thinks i am his good and faithful servant...and although the good i sometimes do may go unnoticed by people..he sees it all...
and he isnt like us... he doesnt focus on the bad..nor is he pleased with it however...but the point is..He is pleased with me and wants me to digest the fact that He wants to love me!!!!
and i think what i really want to let you all know today is that....even though so many times people complain to do things for u...or seem to be "loving you" out of duty..God wants to love us! and He needs us to allow Him to do that!...
i couldn't [and still find it hard to] swallow that JEsus WANTS to love me.. like he wants to ta.. he doesnt moan wen he does sumting for me like my parents might... or tells me to come bak later coz he doesnt hav time wen i need sum1 to talk to.. he just wants to luv me 24/7!! nd.. u knw i just cant.. deal with it in a way.. its hard to sink in... like why God do u want to luv me?.. nd i knw God loves me and ive been knwing for like forever.. but lately.... i feel unworthy of it.. nd at every adoration and praise and mass etcetc..these thoughts bring me to tears.. and i get flashbacks of all d times ive been rejected and told "i dont hav time for u"
Last Soul Survivor... d only time i cried der was coz of this reason.. nd one time d enabling team lady told me.. "wats God telling u?".....nd i was just wobblin with my eyes closed u knw? (xD)... nd like..i said aloud.. he's telling me..he wants to luv me.. nd at that moment i burst into tears!!
So if you're thinking no1 has time for you..*brace urself for the true cliche' phrase*...God does..and not only does he have time for you but he WANTS to love you!...and i think u'll probably end up realising you want to love Him back with everything you do just as I realised but I'll let you come to that conclusion all by yourself...xD
To carry on with the "no time for antying" theme xD i'll go on just a tad bit longer about my present stresses of juggling piano, dancing, y4j, band, family, friends, future school and subjects etc... xD sometimes it all seems like too much..and i'd wish God would have given me one talent coz dat way i wont have to juggle anything i'd just focus my stength on that..but i think that he blessed me with more talents to do more for him... and so i take that as a responsibility..and i want to do everything the best way i can..which is why i end up feelin slightly stressed... coz although i know dat if God wants me to do something he'll give me the strngth to do it..its usually easier said than done..xD...so i meekly try to cast my burdens onto God believing He can give me a chilled heart..
this brings me to another mobile-poem i wrote lately...xD
first one on the new phone pls note xD
I'm being stretched out too thin..
things pullin me from all directions..
control slipping out of my fingers..
friendships;gifts left unworked on..
i cant keep myself together anymore..
how can you hold the universe in your hands?
all its problems, tragedies and mess-ups?
can it rly be you'll use my helplessness for your glory?
i'l stay here
broken; abondoning myself in your love..
In your embrace!
So although life may attempt stretching you in every direction... find out God's dream for you..set a goal and reach it..and be either hot or cold...be totally for something..or totally against it...let God be the one you fall back on when your plans don't really work out perfectly and let Him use every little part of you to the full...xD
*mini sermon ended*
The family calls me to bed since its late..but i felt like blogging glee xD..lemme read if wat i wrote makes sense and i will leave you all..