Thursday, July 17, 2008

If my true testimony had to be written..

So i was meant to come down from St. Pauls Bay, which is where we live in summer, to babysit..but on my way down my mum calls and says she cancelled and doesnt need i get to spend a day in san gwann since i dont think there's anyone at exiles and since there are no buses to get me there anyway i'l just stay home...
i already washed the car; and looked at photos of my social which i hadn't had chance to see; and prayed..etc..xD...
ooo btw i will try use correct spelling and maybe even some punctuation since my english-teacher uncle moaned about my spellin and grammar on my blog last time i met him haha (Shout out to uncle danny..i mean Uncle Danny xD =P)
insomma i missed blabbing all my thoughts to you people so once again here comes a long post probably..
i flicked through my journals this morning...and read this..

Lord i dont mind hurting
coz hurts can be healed..

i'm not worried about insults
because they can be forgiven.

Even death cannot scare me
because I'm going to rise to new life...

But loneliness Lord,
I wish it were a problem
because it would have a solution
but it's a state..
that i doubt i'll ever manage to change on the inside.

"You're never alone coz I am with you...for all eternity."
I don't need to understand why..
i'll just cling on to Your promises
yet surrender to You and believe You'll get me through.

once again...i didn't type this out for pity but so that i can explain myself a bit better and so that if anyone's ever felt the same it might give them some comfort knowing that we probably have all felt this way before...

You see although many of us are surrounded by people that love us most of the time..we often isolate ourselves and keep all our thoughts to ourselves making us feel lonely and perhaps unloved! we often concentrate on the bitter words..the offensive comments and the negative thoughts that get shouted at us day in day out...and we tend to wollow in a sea of hurts and loneliness without thinkin of the most simple yet complicated way out of all this!!!

and the "simple yet complicated" way out is actually talking to someone! letting people know what we feel even if it might be embarassin or perhaps humbling since we all try act the macho xD people wont think you're pitying yourself or like beggin for attention if u just tell them u need to blab out some thoughts...and for that matter neither would God...i think He loves it when we do blab everything out actually even though He knows what's going on!

You see sometimes my bed-time prayers would look like this:

A day full of events..You were there
Am I keeping You to myself..sharing?
Helping out? Or making things worse?

It's official I'm a teenager
I think deep thoughts and
even get offended easily.
Often, I'm confused...

(xD *laughs at her own prayer-poem that she wrote a year ago)

Sometimes I wish I had control
over things that make friends hurt..
Or the words to comfort them..
Some more time to spend with them
Praying without quick answers
I'm so insides..
it feels they're being ripped apart between.. wanting to help and to be helped..
to cry and to let people cry on my shoulder..
to hurt and to let them share their hurts..
Why do we hide?...Uncovering wont stop the pain...I promise...
but it will help.

and other times they were abit more creative and they would end up a song like "Tear it down"..which was actually a journal entry that i ended up butchering and editing until it turned into a song xD

But you see guys..i think one thing i learned when i hurt is that..other people who seem to be OK are hurting too...and by knowing that we can be more of help to each other..You see sometimes i catch myself saying words to help people only because i want to hear those words myself..but occasionly the only person to actually tell you.."It's going to be OK" and "we'll make it together" God! I truly believe only He can help this broken world!

So finally my conclusion is that although i had days where i didn't love living and i didn't look forawrd to a new day... as drained as I may feel God remains. Pouring out thoughts helps but God never promised everything would be fine. So through our little suffering-moments I honestly believe God will take us to newer levels..deeper perhaps a more complex level of our relationship with Him!

And the times when we're on spiritual "high"s..haha xD... i suggest writing those down too so that they'll help you carry on in harder times! xD

(you feels like I keep saying the same thing..and gettin nowhere..but this is my current wavelength since i'm lookin back at the up-and-down journeys I had during school u ekk to get throught these O levels I guesss I;m just sharing lol)..So not only when things were hardish but also when things seemed to be plain-sailing I found myself getting lost in a world of God's revelations to me!...

(my prayer in the beginning of this year xD)..

Did i ever let you know how cool i think You are?
If i were born 80 years ago..I would have given You a better description..
Something posh, long and meaningful..
But tonight... I wanna tell you..
You're the coolest person I've ever known
and the most powerful God there will ever be!
You never end, You help me when I'm needy
And these simple cliche' descriptions..
they seem to say exactly what I feel! xD
You're great God..
and i say this with the happy, innocent heart
of a five-year old who's just found out something new!

God's answer to me was equally amsuing xD :

You'll be my love forever..You wont get out of mind
You're written on the palm of my hand..
I tihink you're fab and you're nowhere near perfection
so we have a journey ahead of us...
of highs and lows to go through..
projects and hassles to pull through..
But i'll be here..i love you..
do you hear?

so this brings me to the end of this blog xD...and i gots no more to say xD..except with God by my side this year has been more bearable and worth living..and that is my true testimony!
Blessings to all xD

(if anyone's still not bored of me u can read the poem i wrote right after the previous prayer was on the y4j forum i'm just pasting it incase u feel like a longer read xD)


Do you hear me when i say 'i love you'?
I wonder.. if you did..will you stop
Harming yourself, putting downall that you are?
If you knew..I loved you, would you perhaps
realise you can be you, no one else?

You'd know deep down you were worth my life,
and you'd live like a precious treasure
knowing your value; love and confidence
an overflowing result of this.. If only
You'd let me love you.. comfort you..

in the middle of the darkest night
you'd stay with me.. i'd stay with u
so you'd believe i love you
coz i really do.. do you hear?
Can i shout it louder than the way i did?

I hung.. humbled, helpless.. hoping You
would say you loved me too..
so we could spend eternity together..
and i could share All i've got with you...

so you wont have to hurt or cry anymore,
without my hands collecting each tear before
it hit the ground with a crash..
accept my love...forgiveness..
let my comfort and peace be with you tonight..

let me be with You..
be still and know that
I Am God.


Amy said...

ahh bett =)

Well first, thanks for yesterday,it was good to sit down and chat!Havent had that for a while =D And todays post is sort of what we tried covering yesterday..and i needed to hear it once again!I really admire your honesty,and i really like the poems!

Love you always bett...stay in love with jesus xxxxxxxx

Anonymous said...

At last - a blog entry that I can read without having to get on the phone to Code-breakers Inc! You have an amazing gift... the ability to put complicated and complex thoughts across in a way that gets straight to the point and makes it simple. That can't be taught, can't be learned. Keep 'em coming! Take care n' stay free...

(Uncle) Danny.