Wednesday, October 8, 2008

If not to offer answers, to let you know you’re not alone…

Aaah a new school year... a new beginning...everything still smells so fresh...but before i go on..i just need to rant for the last time about how i ended up at JC and perhaps why i did...
You may all be thinking Bet's taking too long to get over this..but i guess healing takes a few weeks ago when i was still pouring out my heart to God about this issue i wrote this whilst staring blankly into the night out of my study's window...

I was cheated on, God do You know i was betrayed?
I was cheated on; I was betrayed.
I got less than what i deserved;
did You know God that i failed in the eyes of the world?
I got less than what I deserved;
I failed in the eyes of the world.

If there's hope I can't see it now; is there something better?
There's hope but I can't see it now;
there will be something better.

In case anyone didn't realise..the bold..was God's reply!...How funny it is that we don't realise that God felt the same way we did too! And how much funnier it is that we expect not to suffer at all but we shrug at the fact that God suffered for though He was meant to..or it was His problem.

I don't wish to ramble on forever *xD*...but a few days after i wrote this i read this in a book...
"I didn't want to think of myself - much less be introduced - as a bus driver! It became another work of God in my life, to show me that I'm no less important to Him whether I'm driving the bus, cleaning it or talking about it." NOBODY's CHILD

the book was about a guy who started a bus ministry...which basically went around to like cities and hangs out with homeless kids who were like the criminals of the city...and the guy talking here reminded me of myself...
Maybe at first i didnt want to think of myself as a JC student..*lol i laugh at myself now coz its so great at school xD*...but then God reassured me I guess through this book that wherever I may be I'm no less important to God or to any of my close friends for that matter... So knowing that i was able to swallow my pride and enthusiastically approach my first weeks of school at JC wooo! glee xD

And i wish that in a few months time i can say...
"Now I want you to know, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel." Phil 1:12....
So if ur thinking God's gettin some plans slightly messed up..i guess my moral of the day is to wait and see what he actually has in store xD...and trust when it might be hardest..and when it might hurt and be unfomortable...

"My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely Christ, in whom are hidden all treasures of wisdom and knowledge." Colossians 2:2-3

So that’s my mission…I’m being sent out to encourage and love and show people who God is and that He has the treasures they need…even if results are not instant...I will persevere! Buuuut…xD…a couple of days before schoooollll xD:

I come to You day after day…to spend time with my creator
Who is all I need to be happy and at peace for eternity.
More often than not I seem to be talking to myself…
Or perhaps a piece of paper…
But I trust that the King of the Universe
Knows my name and listens to my every prayer!...

You know how sometimes a mother must stay quiet and do nothing to comfort a child but still teach him a lesson? I think You’re looking at me longing to embrace me and comfort me but You know that holding back the feeling and warmth of your presence for now is what’s best for me to learn some valuable trust lessons!...

“But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind
And straining toward what is ahead,
I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ jesus.” Phil.3:13-14

So you see all I’m trying to let you all know is that sometimes it’s normal to feel like a warrior for one week and like a wimp the next! xD As long as you keep persevering I believe God looks at our hearts and not at our instant results and so he’ll be glad you came back to Him for more strength after a week of feeling wimpy xD! These are a couple of my weaker days….

I’m lost and sinking and wondering if maybe
I should be selfish and shout out and cling to
What I want for once..

I’m engulfed by the world’s opinions;
People’s screaming criticism take over my thoughts
And begin to mold them into their own morals and values…

And here I am desperately yelling at the top of my lungs
But You’re the only one hearing me…
As the world keeps spinning and nobody’s life changes…
No ear stops to bend down and listen to my plea..

My throat is parched as I shout at the world
For not understanding me, as I try to make my voice heard!
But I’m still helpless…everything I rely on just fails…
At the flick of a finger and I’m left
Looking for my only answer…My God!

I want to run to my bed and kick my feet like a protesting baby saying
“NO! I don’t want to go!”
I want to run through a field and jump into Your arms like a woman that’s in love saying
“YES I want to stay here forever!”
To step out of my comfort zone and move far away from it
So I cannot get back to it
When I am most vulnerable!
I’m searching for an answer; a solution to a problem
I know You’ve solved…

But I don’t even have a question…
Just a brain that’s wandering…
Needing to try new things and determine
What the call is for my life…
Fortunately, I get Your help…
Help me accept the wait.

I know nobody will understand me…coz I cant understand my own frustration! Why do I feel the need to b understood? To be known and wanted? I’m not meant to be like the empty black I see in the sky before me…I’m made for relationships…wired to love. Again, I have an answer…so did I ask the wrong question or is the only step left for me to understand and believe what I already know?

So ye...I’m gna end here with one more poem sort of thing..Blessings to all you people and excuse the no direction of this blog…I guess it was more like me typing out my latest thoughts to you all…maybe not to offer answers to anything but to let you know you’re not alone in your confusion and questioning…

I’m still screaming but no ones budging; unaffected;
Am I the sensitive one?
I’m still running up and down but getting nowhere;
Frustration ties me down.
I’m tangled in a mess of thoughts; helplessnesss;
I will endure and keep on.
I’m still struggling Lord but You promised to
Comfort me once again.
I’m fighting to get loose but they keep pulling; pushing;
Breaking; tugging.
I’m slowly collapsing; too much weight
You carried all this already.

When I do not understand why
And I can’t get myself to cry
When my shame has nowhere to hide
‘nd I’ve given up keeping my pride

When confusion goes through my head…
And your word is what keeps me fed…
When sulking doesn’t seem to work…
I’ll get rid of these thoughts that lurk.

Just to let you all know at the live-in I got all this off my back..*I might expand another time but basically*..on Friday I forgave and emptied all the bad thoughts in me which left no room for God to fill…on Saturday I took off my straight jacket and struggled out of the bonds that were keeping me back.. I was freed from baggage and reassured….and on Sunday I learnt that I wont break..coz God’s carefully, gently holding me and His plan for me is good!! I will follow it through no matter what…even if that means going to JC =P xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


Rachie said...

Firstly, i loved it (:
Secondly, it had direction, cos it was an expressive thing. Things dnt need to have a lesson in them, or a conclusion or any definitive ending, as long as its important to you in terms of getting it out, it has a direction, the direction of your thoughts at that time... which i say is more important than a topical direction xD *could write another four pages on the topic*

Thirdly, I'm fed up of school almost.. sort of. its like i want to skip ahead to the "meaty" lessons, and skip the intro lessons xD.

And lastly, i think, in God's bold at the beginning you meant to say that but i DO see hope as opposed to don't...

Paul said...

Achie decided to slefishly comment before telling me you blogged... so i am *as opposed to tradftiton comemnting after her*, but anyways ,i loved the blogggg, and OFCOURSE ur friends don't think any less of you. I hope u enjoy ur time at JC, doesn't mean we won't miss u though :(

Matti said...

A few pointers:

"I got less than what I deserved;
I failed in the eyes of the world."

So I think that over here, it isn't that that God is pointing out to you - er... I think the last thing that God would do is not believe in us or state that we're failures - but despite this 'failure' of not getting into where you deserve, there is still a positive side to it as you are surrounded by an environment where you can succeed, where you have friends, where you can make friends, where you can love and where you can be loved!

Secondly, and this might be a bit of a criticism... I don't agree with Achie but agree with you about the supposed 'direction' (or lack of) of the blog. You're right in saying there isn't one, but she's right in saying that your thoughts aren't there to be given a fixed direction but to just be recounted. After all, your blog, your writing style. There's no right or wrong about it, and everyone writes differently, so no worries!

Otherwise... good blog... and rather deep. I don't think I can reach such a deep level of writing myself! Or maybe I can, on different levels...

God bless xxxx

mc said...

hey bet i was kinda disappointed too when i found out that id be going to jc but i set my mind to using the experience to give glory to God and make the most of my 2 yrs there, and all has been well so far. As i was reading ur blog i realized that i'm at jc for a reason...i never wld have met the friends i have and i never wld have been asked to do the things i have been asked to do, so ultimately it was god's plan for me.
Re you being a failure in the eyes of the world...maybe people out there think that you are..dont knw, but you definatley are not a failure in my eyes or in the eyes of your friends...i think ur a winner, a conquerer coz uve been able to overcome this experience and look at the positive side of it. honestly i rly do look up to u sometimes...ur a great example to us all bet. luv ya lots xxxxxx

Bettina said...

just to clear things up matt xD...dat poem thing were i said d bold is god Jesus on d cross or other times during his life...were things seemed bad...u knw...d messiah to d world he failed?
newayss..thanks for all d comments guys..blessings xxxx

Beppe said...

wow bett i really like this...and glad u are enjoying jc...enjoy tata xx