Sunday, November 9, 2008

If I belong…

So I guess this blog is a result of a month of school and restriction compared to my free summer days….it’s a stress relieve…a way for me to be me and just sort out my thoughts... so for those who are curious to enter my world of thoughts and emotions here it goes...xD

Everyday at school you’re a nobody…just another face… for those that have been to Junior College or any other sort of big school you know what I mean…
Certain days I love the fact that I’m no one…other days I want an identity… some days I love the fact that people don’t know anything about me… that they’ll never see me again…other days I wish I can be making more of a difference to these people who I simply walk past day in day out…*xD yes I’m going on about nothing in particular...but let me vent*

So that’s probably an explanation to one of my latest mobile-poems xD…where basically I was feeling so stretched by tests, school and ballet rehearsals that I just wished to be old for half a second…

If I was an old woman with nothing to do
I’d spend days blogging, Journaling
And writing out every thought
I’d ever had…

I’d put every tune that ever came to mind
Into a beautiful song of its own
I’d write letters of encouragement
To anyone that might seem to need one…

I would fix every poem,
And sort out my head
And the best thing is
That I won’t have any regrets
About what I could have done if I had more time!

I would stop to talk to every needy person
And have enough time to be needy in front of God!
I’d be so synced I’d know what to do in every situation
Coz I’d have His guidance in everything I do!

Now I reallyyyy don’t want to go on some pity party about my busy life...coz I’ve been busier and I know you could probably comment and tell me “you know I have this this this and this also so stop fussing…”…but sometimes...I need to reflect like this so that I can make the best of my time I guess…

It’s like I feel the need to tell God and myself..."this is what I’d rather be doing but for some reason I’m stuck at school so do something with it" xD…*yes yes I know I go to school to learn and I do love every second of it*..
but don’t you ever just dream of taking the risk and quitting everything and giving yourself totally to just one cause…so that like that you wont have any regrets in that part of your life?...xD
*have I lost you with my rambling xD?*

I didn’t realize this until I wrote it out…but I got an answer to my previous belonging question just now…read on… on the 23rd I wrote this in my journal xD:

Renewed, I’m starting afresh
Poor in spirit; a need so desperate
To know you more.

“The Lord knows those who are His..” 2 Tim 2:1-21
I don’t want to just live but to live loud and do things for people!
I will proclaim your love at the start of something new and your faithfulness at its end!

I guess in a way God just tapped me on the shoulder to let me know I’m His…and even though I’m in an everything’s-cliché’ sort of mood lately… I still needed to heard that xD

This whole being-a-nobody phase led me to my next mobile-poem one night when I was feeling a bit on the down side… a bit on the pushed-aside side xD

Why do you need so much attention?
Why must you want so much love
While I just starve here screaming!

I kiss the rain every day
And get through another night…
Am I meant to be more out going?
Or have You, God, made me
A more reflective person on purpose?

Why is it we feel we must be happy..
And talkative all the time?
Must I keep reaching out for love?
Or should I just accept the love that comes my way?

Can you satisfy me?
My heart’s every desire?
Take all my thoughts Lord!

I’m thinking now… I should really learn Maltese! These are my reasons… it’s hard to talk to people coz English is like “oh my goodness” xD so I feel I’m suppressing a bit of who I am everyday:

I come to offer you my time coz I have nothing else to offer really…
My timid character seems to take over when I’ll be dying to shout Your name!
Must I wait for the sea to resound and everything in it..
To say you are great…and I love you?
I want a purpose…to do something out of this world…
Is thinking big all for nothing?
Or are Your plans truly so much larger?

I think I’ve spoken about this once…about how I wish I could make huge changes in this world! ...Without wasting time on petty things…but who knows…maybe petty things are having a huge effect on people…or maybe there not… but they're preparing me for something… *wonders; dreams xD*

Amidst all these feelings of no time for myself lately…I’ve found time to read a bit…the book’s called “The Applause of Heaven”….and although it has a very soppy cover…it’s content makes sense…xD just gonna type out one sentence (well more like 3 or 4)that helped me realize how helpless I am without my Someone Greater…=)

“You don’t impress officials at NASA with a paper airplane…
You don’t boast about your crayon sketches in the presence of Picasso…
You don’t claim equality with Einstein because you can write H2O…
and you don’t boast about your goodness in the presence of the Perfect.”

Max Lucado – Applause of Heaven

*it’s a great quote aye xD???*

Guys sometimes I feel really outgoing…sometimes I want to crawl into my own world… I’m not sure why… but I think I’m not meant to be the hyper one… maybe my reflective-ness is the only way I can song-write and be me…and maybe that’s not a bad thing =)… *and for those times when I’m hyper…that will be me too…so let me be! xD*

For anyone still reading…these are my latest songs…well they still have to be developed into songs...xD but they will be soon when I get an hour to myself

Verse 1:
Like clouds and wind without rain
They say they’ll try and stop my pain
They don’t do anything at all

Empty words; I’ve heard of this truth
They sang about it in the psalms;
Today in the heavenly realms.

I am Yours and Yours I’ll remain
Coz when the pushing, pulling, strain
Have left me like the withered grass
Turn Your ear to me
When I call, answer my plea.

Verse 2:
And I’m worn out like a torn old dress;
Them I will soon cease to impress
But you’re the beginning; the end.

Passing crowds; you’ve singled me out;
Chosen me to serve and love You
To know me; to have me know you!

I am Yours and Yours I’ll remain
Coz when the pushing, pulling, strain
Have left me like the withered grass
Turn Your ear to me
When I call, answer my plea.

And the other one...xD this one’s based on 2 bible verses actually…and it’s quite structurless...xD
But basically I realized that if I was never hurt, broken, lonely or in a bad mood then God would never have gotten a chance to shine through me… I think sometimes I’m selfish and assume I should be fine all the time and get my way all the time…coz I believe my ways better…

buuuuut I guess God thinks otherwise…and if you’ve read some of my other blogs you’d realize that when God does the opposite to what I would have wanted…it usually works out for the best even tho i stamp my feet and don't enjoy it initially xD….
I’ll stop preaching now...and leave you to read haha

4-11-08 ( Ezekiel. 10:1-11:25/ Ps 105)

If I never walk through the dark, hard times
How can I see your glory shine?
If I am never weak how will Your
Strength be made known to the world?

If I’m not obedient will Your plans be fulfilled?
If I remain stubborn will I break or build?

An undivided heart; a new spirit in me.

Give me a heart of flesh
Coz this heart of stone
Has left me cold and broken
I want to be Yours
Devoted to you!

I want to end with this video coz it’s gotten me thru these weeks and so if you’ve read my whole blog or if you’ve just skimmed, rolled your eyes and came to this...
do bother watching just this xD..

Luv to all xD


maria angela said...

amen bett!!
reallly like d last poem uve posted, rlly applies to what ive been feeling!!
blessings ^^

Matti said...

For once I actually managed to get through all of your blog... it wasn't as lengthy as I thought, or maybe it was but I just wanted to keep on reading :)

What you said makes a real lot of sense... especially the bit about just being one of many at places such as JC... I told u this on MSN imma you were busy working so nahseb you didn't get much of the message hehe... we're treated the same way at Uni, and that craving for individual attention, you being known as a person, is so desired sometimes! I really miss it :(

Keep it up and start blogging a bit more often... I'm not saying practically every week like I do ta lol imma not once a month either :p

God Bless You! :)

Amy said...

I love you =) xxx

Martine said...

Hey Bett!
I think what you wrote applies to what many have been feeling lately, myself included!
You could call these blog posts petty things if you wish too, but i assure you they make a difference in people's lives! :)
God Bless You!
P.S... thanks for blogging!