Thursday, January 1, 2009

If i can no longer live and He can live in me...

So these are a couple of my latest thoughts…

I always feel the need to know where my life is going…
To know what is wanted from me; what I can do…am meant to do.

And there’s an urgency to it!
I feel so impatient… but I must wait on You.
Keep my life going where You want it to go.

“May my cry come before You, o Lord
Give me understanding according to you word…
May my supplication come before You;
Deliver me according to your promise.” Ps.119:169-170

“…the Lord will keep you from all harm
He will watch over your life;
…over your coming and your going
Both now and forevermore.” Ps. 121:7-8

“Unless the Lord builds the house,
Its builders labor in vain.” Ps.127:1

So this is what happens… when I feel satisfied by You, I think I don’t need You anymore…then I try alone… and after some time I’m down in the dumps…after trying other things I return helplessly to You for more help…again. And the cycle goes on…can You make it stop? At the phase when I’m satisfied? Just fully satisfied by You?

Sometimes I find myself wishing to ask people “Whose side are you on?”
How can you change your mind at the flick of a finger? Or at a single word? So then I found myself writing this after coming across this scripture…

“ I know your deeds, that you are neither hot nor cold! I wish you were either one or the other. So because you are lukewarm I am about to spit you out of my mouth…. Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him and he with me.”
Rev 3:12-20

I can’t use my ears to hear praise songs
And songs that glorify sex and mock You.
I can’t use my mouth to lift up thanksgiving to You
But then curse at friends, family and the sort.
I can’t walk on two roads!
Encouraging but tearing people down.

I can’t be a Christian when it suits me…
I can’t move one leg one way…
And the other leg the other way
Without falling into a split
And becoming paralyzed…stuck!

Maybe we’re all stuck in a split… but we choose to call it a spiritual desert.
We assume God’s asleep; ignoring us.
We’re jammed…divided; stretched …out of thoughts and words
Become our focus…is it possible?
Hot or cold…extreme…is that what You’re asking for?

I’m going to leave you all with a long, boring rant and reflection on my past year xD…enjoy!

To God – thoughts on 2008

I’ve been hurt this year like the ones before it. I’ve matured; realized I can’t alone…I just can’t. There is someone who cares even when I’m not sure where. Forgiving helped me move forward…God pulled me through. He reminded me it was part of His plan. This time last year I struggled, strained, stressed, suffered… But I gave God my confusion and embraced the start of a new hectic year…2008.
Guys, compliments, comments, opportunities all came and left…as the year began with Rob Galea’s launch my year was launched… with God as my leader I set off into January 08.I thought i knew all I could about God but I wondered blindly until He swept me off my feet. Eventually I realized He’s the only everlasting one…and that was hard to take in.
Can God stay forever when everything that’s meant to last in the world simply ends?

Later on in the year I wondered if I was the only one interested in the lives of others…did anyone care about me? But could that have been O Level Blues? xD They began when I committed every exam to God…it was the only way I got to a deeper level with Him. Sometimes I felt frustrated and followed blindly…other times I felt He was near.

Persistently I pressed on…once or twice I was too numb and tired to think…but God’s comfort kept me safe. I learned I had nothing to prove… I was God’s daughter and that’s what gave me worth! I didn’t have to please everyone or stay quiet…I could live loud…upsetting things along the way that have sat in the same place for too long.

And when summer came along I knew opportunities where screaming out at me! I wanted to be a slave to nothing else but God…nothing could separate me from His love! Slowly I digested more and more who God is and that I can never fully understand Him. His love remained something out of this world.

At Soul survivor my heart melted again as I was remodeled…even if I had to wait till the very last day to learn some vital things. It meant a lot that I had many moments to sit with God and write poetry to Him. In His presence I was no longer lonely, or abandoned. Another layer of skin was removed from me, like an onion before it is eaten. Even though I knew the layers would have to be peeled off I chose to do things in a way that suited my pride.
Obedience; humility; studying God’s word were amongst my many take home messages.

Around September, I felt as though things started to crumble…friends judged and accused me of judging…left me alone…claiming I was leaving them out. They hurt me thinking I didn’t know what was going on. In the midst of all this I didn’t get into SAC which was perhaps a let down but a start to something new and encouraging.
I wished not to fail…but breaking down in front of friends helped me get what I needed.

But I felt cheated…I didn’t get what I deserved AND it was God’s plan =S.
I had to digest it whilst people’s criticism on my family and thing’s close to my heart kept wounding me.
Sometimes I wondered why people had to interfere in what I chose to do with my time and life. But God gave and sacrificed continuously…He was my only idol. I wanted to give even if people snatched and threw things at me! I found help and refuge in God!
Life at JC eventually enjoyable as ever…I walked with God and hoped to stay strong but the world didn’t wait for me to catch up…it kept passing by at the speed of light. Sticking to God was the best I could do! I knew I had a purpose at JC and I still am living to discover this more and more. I tired to remain as Christ- focused as I could through the hectic first term! Even though moods swung God remained my strength! I learned to use trials to get closer to Him.

Well, blogs I wrote this year kept people updated on what’s going on in my life and it helped me realize I wasn’t alone…and it showed others they aren’t too. Songs remained screaming out of me…as lyrics and melodies kept flowing out of somewhere.

Now I’m wondering exactly where I’m heading…where to focus this burning passion inside me to do something amazing for others.
There’s something burning in me…like I didn’t have enough time this year to do anything…
like I didn’t have the resources to do anything spectacular. There’s this urgency to do something…anything…
Suddenly the world needs to know…my best friend’s gonna be born really soon!
Somehow they need to know how pointless celebrations are without first receiving Him!

So take the coming year Lord, may everything I do give glory to You and help others see You. New beginnings; second chances…may I do something brave and beautiful this year and say “Here I am, send me!”….May I stay tuned to You. Thank you for the gift of this year…this life!


Paul said...

Wonderful! very genuine as usual :) It's what makes your blogs so different and interesting. Happy New Year!


mc said...

amazing as always!! ur blogs are rare but wonderful. i really look forward to reading them. tc luv ya xx mc Bonanno XD

Matt said...

Knowing where we're meant to go and what we're meant to do, what's the right thing, is something we'll probably never get the answer to. It's something i've been looking for for a long time. Maybe there isn't one. All we can do is take one day at a time, doing what makes us and others happy, acting out of love and not out of fear. Maybe that's all we're meant to do, however we do it.

I only actually read half the blog, but it was a good half :)