Thursday, February 4, 2010

If Somewhere, Something and Someone have my name on it.

*Blogger knows how to tick me off...all my layout-efforts have proven to be useless again...as soon as i click publish all the words space out exactly as they please to..*

I feel like a mug of tea…
Just brewing.
I feel like a cracker in a packet…
Waiting; watching the world go by.
I feel like a sprinkle of seasoning…
Used and put back on the shelf.

Like an item cooking, boiling, frying.
I’ve been through all the phases and now on stand by
I stay.
Set aside but not wavering…
Resting but alive; awake; alert.

I’m on the look out; on my guard
For some sort of direction…
A course; a road; a track…
Unbroken; undeviating; uninterrupted.




_________________________________________________

I’m not sure…
Sometimes I feel more alone, wondering and misunderstood
than ever…
everyone seems to care…
until they’re just looking in
like the rest of the world.
Leaving me feeling like I’m the
Only one
Constantly looking out;
Trying to love and reach out.
Like I’m the only one putting effort into things…
Like I’m the one and only UNDERDOG ….all the time.

Brought up in it...People
Will not,
Can not,
Have not
Ever seen what
It’s like, what
I’m like, who
I am.



Not worth explaining coz I’ll be disappointed.
No one can get me,
That’s the feeling…
That I’m alone with You always and forever.

I think I’d be fine…
Knowing I had to get through simply
With You and with none other
Than You.

But they think they understand….
They think they know and love
But I don’t feel loved…
They think they have me all figured out
But I’m just giving them bad ideas,
Twisted ideas…that are not me.

I say something and they take it any way they like
Forming their own picture of me…



but no one really Wants to know the real me…
Nope.
No one does.
It’s painful.
And it’s also painful that only here and now
Can I confess that it is.

So many warped ideas; so many people thinking they know…
That I don’t feel I’ll ever manage to make that much effort to untangle them all now
And make them straight again.

I’ll go to sleep. They’ll go to sleep.
We’ll go to sleep,
Each thinking the other is fine.
But nobody knows
And nobody wants to.

It’s scary but I believe it…
Nobody knows
And nobody wants to.

Everyone’s perfectly fine living their life
WITHOUT me as an extra burden.
They try; they care…
But no one gets far enough…
No one gets to me…

So I blame myself for being too difficult
to understand…and maybe I just am –
A hard nut to crack
A hard shell to break
But Lord You know I try…
You know I long for that someone to manage
maybe just to make it
Possible to succeed at reaching me.


I’m sorry but I’m sick of all the unreturned effort I put into friendships
And I don’t think I have it in me
To go on.



So I’ll praise You for being strong
In my weakness.
For being lifted up day after day
As tears fall.
For remaining worthy and holy
As I break and fold.


For being IN the gentle storms That bring a sense of refreshment and new beauty.
For being in those storms where Helplessness crashes in the thunder,
and loneliness lights up the night in the lightning.
For being in those storms and rains of desperation, despair and anguish.
For being
That ray of hope
That trickling tear down a cheek
That rain drop gently dripping down a surface
With a sense of
Reassurance,
Peace,
And could it be?
Perhaps.
Love.

There’s a peace the world cannot give
And how well I know it.

The first drop…
Perhaps that takes the longest, hardest and most effort to fall…
Just till it shows the other drops what to do…
It’s exposed; falling helplessly…
Until they all are…
Falling chattily
Falling enthusiastically with life and purpose.

And a new dawn
WILL come…
After stings of cold wing
Will come warmth seeping in
Flowing freely.




I’m waiting here to watch the rain…
Lord the skies are your canvas
Where You paint Your love story to me
Day after day, view after view.
Your hand crafts night after night,
Sunrise after sunrise, cloud after star
After moon after raindrop and lightning bolt.
For me
For me…
(Do you hear?)
For Me.

With conviction I’ll put my pencil down tonight…
To a God who’s saying
“It’s all in my hands.
I am Your provider.”
And I’ll sleep with the same peace that only my God can give.
Share this I pray Lord, with humanity –
Your people.






Ok so the monkey pictures quite funny :p but i remembered this song and liked it again nd thought i should post. :)

3 comments:

Bahsheep said...

read (:

MINA said...

monkeys
:)

Ben said...

dearest bett,

I really get what you mean, i guess most of us do, those who really want Gods kingdom to come with all their heart soul and mind! Yet i feel we are all scattered with no one to love us and we cannot sustain each other. No one seems to care, used as a cloth once and thrown away the second they are ok..

But were called to love, Love till it hurts just as he loved us :) ahh the raindrops you mentioned just made me think of rain on how many days i spend walking in the rain talking to God, and being loved by him when i was rejected by everyone and bett you were one of those who stood there and helped me feel loved!

Bett, if you ever need i am ready to try get to know you.. for who you really are because theres so much more than a pianist with a heart for people..

I promise you my prayers in love! (: thank you for being who you are bett