Sunday, June 14, 2009

If it...

It’s so easy to get caught up in my own world of happy families, cheery relationships, and good intentions.
Easier still to forget everyone else out there; their wounded worlds, fragile friendships and damaged deeds.
So easy to boil some pasta, toast some bread, write a song, poem or good lyric but it’s easier still to believe black is non-existent in this colourful place.
Yet times like these I forget any good in the world and the blackness seems to reign.
People’s hurts seem to be staining my heart; scarring my trail of thoughts.
I know that I should know this world is black more often than not, and rarely full of only the good and pleasurable but I still can’t understand why things are the other way around – for some and not others.
It’s not fair to be happy. It’s not fair for bad things to happen. So what is fair?

Why do lives start out great but end tragically? Who can understand why some sail through beautiful oceans whilst others struggle to simply stay afloat?... Why some snails are stepped on while others are avoided? Can anyone find fair reasoning to life?
What on earth did I ever do…to deserve my house, my family and my lifestyle?
Perhaps my life’s one performance. A performance of a sad, slow, pensive piece of music. A piece of music that can make some cry and others smile; smiles and tears that can change lives –perhaps ruin others. Who’s going to be clapping for me when I’m done? At the end of my poor performance who will remain sitting faithfully with eyes full of love and a heart full of hope? Won’t they all realise my vulnerability? Won’t my ungrateful, hating attitude be evident enough for all to abandon me?
Will I say “Thank You Very much” or run and hide my face in a scrap of material?

Try picture this… Standing there in a white dress, in the middle of a circle, with rays of light shining and purity singing out. Yet, from every direction the blackness is slowly creeping in. Someone dies – the dress has black paint on its fringes. A sharp word is said – dirt is flung onto it. Someone leaves – a tear appears. Once abandoned – more black paint. Twice abandoned – more dirt. As time goes by, it creeps in… slowly yet surely. The purity slowly ruined; the blackness seemingly taking over. Sitting there weeping doesn’t bother the darkness; the crying doesn’t clean the dirt. It gradually entangles itself into, onto, over and under the pure whiteness…until.. it’s all gone. No more white. Just black. Engulfed. Entangled. And static. A black web – of confusion, thoughts, prayers and misunderstandings.
What if that’s where we’re all heading for? It just happens at different times to different people. Perhaps we’re all heading to a state of total helplessness. The only place of complete surrender – because we have no other choice.
It suddenly gets comfortable. A realization sets in, that loneliness was a lie. Distractions invade – entertainment readily presents itself. It’s too easy to get lost in it. I’d like to think that suddenly, from the dark, dirty place a sudden bright light appears and all of a sudden the reverse takes place…the glorious white takes over the black and all reaches perfection once again.
But… it stays black. Scars are carried; thoughts linger. And this is the hope! Look! That’s all that’s left to do! Eyes soon open to realize what’s being done! The black; the dirt – they’re simply tools. Tools that are carried around day after day. Simply remembering about them may bring pain but using them makes the weight of carrying them around all worth it.

Lord, as my heart breaks for those I cannot help, may you be their comfort. If you can comfort them, then can you bring peace to my heart? Can you show me where and how I can do more? Will you give me a compassionate heart? One that’s sensitive to those around me and to those I cannot see. Let me not become oblivious to the millions of screams I hear everyday. And…Lord if all I can do is pray…may you make me more committed to intercession. To praying for those you love that are being mistreated! Break me. Mould me. Change me………help me


BeCk said...

i can't begin to explain how good this is bett, your blogs just make so much sense it's crazy, well i don't think i can say much otherwise, i was pretty speachless just after i read it XD keep it up bett :D
Gb tc x x

Ben said...

bettina.. its like youve just written this post for me.. you allowed me to see the love of God in this blog because a sudden blackness surrounded me..
I pray may God keep blessing you!

MINA said...

the description was priceless, I could feel it, see it, imagine it and understand it.

Simon said...

bet, i thank you and whoever convinced me to read it, it's like it was written for me, really well done. although, in my head, my dress was more of a tunic :)

Bettina said...

hah since everyone told me i shud reply to comments i will..thanks for the comments! =D xD nd yes si...a tunic is more appropriate and it made my night dat u actually read my blog again!! well done =P

^KaI^ said...

pretty =) it rlly makes sense =)

Pawlu said...

Haha Bett you become ever more poetic by the blog *since when are you into Jazz?..i'm proud haha (FYI Jazz Festival is comin up 16-18th July, Friday theres Brad Medhlau Trio;Brad being an excellent Jazz pianist, i suggest u buy tickets)

Bettina said...

Yes im very into these trios atm! Must go to jazz fest! xD..and paul i dnt believe u started a blog and wrote as many words as i do! hah i knew u had in u! =P

Krissie said...

Wow Bett! Seriously impressed :)

Bettina said...

Thanks Kris :)
Glad it wasnt too long for you to read xD