If something everlasting exists...

Hello again bloggers xD the study is the hottest room of the house and so im not very encouraged by the weather to blog and spend time on the pc hehe but neways my last blog is getting old so i will update u all on my brain and thoughts..
so a few days ago i was a bit confused.. like i wanted to be passionate about the things i do..but like...well im not sure how i can explain this but i just wanted to feel something extreme..like either extreme compassion or extreme boldness ... u knw how?.. i just wanted to feel im giving 100% or gettin 100%...nd i sorta wrote this..

i want to have the heart of a poet..
but the strength of an athlete...

the boldness of a bully
but the passion of a song..

the perseverence of a little child
but the strong head of a teen..

the trusting spirit of a healed person
but the wisdom of an old man...

the fighting spirit of a warrior
but the peace of a slow-running stream..

so u see..i wanted something extreme...but then i sorta realised that i couldnt have it alone..xD *how highly confused are you?*..well neways..dats wen i realised only God can be totally in touch wit His feelings yet still strong..and totally merciful but totally just..nd although i do usually find it hard to wrap my little brain around such confusing matters..i think it does make sense.. and it makes me stand in awe of God if u knw wat i mean..

thinking about it.. we all strive for somethin extreme, something eternal...somethin that will last and truly be wat it claims to be! for example so many of us strive to be the prettiest; the skinnyest; or most popular..becoz we imagine having so much good {to an extreme} will satisfy us..but lets get real..nothing in this world rly satisfies us wen we're in one of those deep, pissy moods xD..
i mean i'm sure all of u hav had loved ones say "i'll always be there" and den they just weren't or maybe they were..but without the right words to say...or else you've experienced something the world portrays as good or normal.. and u find out its not so amasing...

digging into my own life story yet again..i think i went thru wat many of us did..not only girls..
i had my cry-when-i -stare-into-the-mirror days..and i disliked myself for some time too..and reduced wat i ate...(no i never rly turned anorexic or nething but i guess i hav my family to thank becoz der such food lovers i wouldnt hav been able to spend a day without being forced to eat!)... i guess it was a way i showed i was thirsty for love in the most discrete way ever u knw?..like i wudnt eat as much as i used to.. thinkin dat maybe someone would realise and let me knw im loved for wat i am nd not wat i hav to become!
well for all those like dat...der is someone who's realising ur hurting even if u may be crying out for love in a different way nd ders no1 to realise ur need...I wish i could let u all know how real it is dat wenever ur crying uself to sleep god's crying wit u..nd wenever ur wishing u had a differnt life or family or friends..God's der wit u saying.."only i can see the big picture..but for now i'll hurt with you coz i know wat its like to be misunderstood and taken forgranted and rejected..."..

so i remember one time after a couple of weeks of playing with my food and thinking i wasnt thin/nice/ watever enough.. i went into the bathroom for a shower..and i had had a pretty tough week..nd i had looked in the mirror and started crying..not becuase i tot i was ugly or nething dat dramatic..but becoz at that moment i realised i wasnt living my life the way God planned me to live it.. nd i cried and prayed "God i knw i might not love myself atm..but i knw dat with ur stength i can start living my life normally the way i used to without focusing on me so much but turning all my thoughts and decisions to you!"....i remember dat day my shower was like a total "baptism"..xD.. like i was gna start over..
nd i think GOd wants us to start over more often..since starting over is always better dan procrastinating and saying we'll fix things 2moro..well here's a song i later wrote for some people i knew who were battling with food and luving themselves.. (wit d help of a special someone xD)

Verse 1:
I don’t deserve to see
the beuaty of a flower,
Will I ever be
good enough for you to love?

I can’t forgive myself
if I’m just no good.
Will I ever be
thin enough to accept?

Pre-Chorus:
And what about me?
What about me?
The me inside
Who should I believe?

Chorus:
Coz there’s a monster inside,
Telling me I’m worthles,
Tears come; it just laughs
its way through my life.
How long will I keep believing,
This lying monster, monster inside?

Verse 2:
Scared of losing friends,
Coz of gaining weight.
Why do the wrongs in me,
Outnumber my rights?

My heart is hurting still,
Coz of that last comment you passed.
I’m self destructive,
Just longing to fit in.

Chorus
Coz there’s a monster inside,
Telling me I’m worthles,
Tears come; it just laughs its way through my life.
How long will I keep believing,
This lying monster, monster inside?

Bridge:
And I long for that day
When I can praise You
For I am fearfully and wonderfully made! x2

Chorus 2:
Coz there’s Jesus right here,
Now I know I’m worth it
Tears come; He wipes away all my fears
When can I stop adoring
My loving Saviour, Jesus my Lord?




so bak to wat i said b4..if nothing in this world can satisfy us..r we all screwed?..nd u obviously all know my answer..xD..and dat is that d only thing dat ever actually "satisfied" me is God..(although the word "satisfied" is not a very good description for wat i mean)..but ill save my sermons for another time..nd il go on revealing a bit more about me xD..


nd all this leaves me wandering if nething in this world (apart from God duuh) xD ..ever lasts forever
i mean seriously..if neone can finish off this simile i'l be rly impressed..

"As never-ending as......."

any suggestions?..xD..neways this is another one of those reasons i find myself needing God.. here's a song i sorta wrote..which doesn't look too much like a song when typed out but actually has quite a cool tune once its played on d piano...still i'll share xD:

In this world everything ends

every little thing

every little thing ends

But Your love it stays forever,forever

You're everlasting; You never change

Your love is strong, yes it remains

Yesterday,today, the same...

You're everlasting!

so this comes to another part of my life which is a bit tricky..the fact that my dad's always coming and going to libya and so even my family is always changing.. sometimes it feels like he's gna be away forever..or dat if he was it wud reduce the heartache...but then when i think thoughts like dat i cant help but feel very nasty... still..its hard to get used to my dad being around one week and den suddenly cope without him for the next week..but be ready to include him into my life the week after...and so on... And its a situation dat cannot rly be changed if u knw wat i mean?..coz like is he gna stop working? or live in libya? coz either way things wud just get worse.. So solutions are pretty pointless since der isnt rly one...

so i just cling on to God and i think he rly does help me get thru d times wen i feel torn apart...and well i must mention all the friends and ppls dat hav helped me even just put things into proportion when i feel dat with my dad figure coming and going my world is falling to pieces...

well ill expand on this topic some other time.. xD (rob why did u make me start a blog? xD)..now i feel i hav so much more to let u all in on ..but ul hav to wait till another time coz im hot and sleeppy xD..

so guys cling onto ur heavenly- everylasting- fulfilling- Father up in heaven and know dat he's madly in love with you and waiting for u to run back into his arms saying.. "i'm here knowin dat u knw d besst way for me to live my life..so pls show me wat to do!"...

luv ya all! Blessings

If you get to the end...give urself a tap on d back xD

Hey all.. so first of all i wanna tell you all that your comments and messages and msn conversations about my last blog were all very encouraging! xD so thanks loadsss for them all...
like seriously it showed me how wen im honest i can actually help others or at least show ppls who i really am and help myself..xD..*haha i might say rubbish coz at night i just stay thinking and now im blogging instead of journaling lol*
(today i showed drea my many prayer journals dat date back to 2002 i realised..coz she msged me while i was stretching coz she was in my road and so she came up to my room while i stretched and i showed her my dressies and my journals haha)

and thinking about my journals istra...der rly helpful.. coz thing is..i hav some rly depressing entries and like i was young ta wen i wrote them!
so lemme brief u about how i got close to God and how my prayer journals are so important to me.. xD
so basically i decided i wanted to be a chirstian wen i was 8 since my parents always had meetings going on at home and used to organise little prayer meetings for teenagers at our house u ekk..and dey used to go to gozo every summer like..nd one time in gozo on my 8th bday... i stayed for der meeting and like sang d songs with them and rly decided in my heart alone dat i wanted to follow God like..nd from den on i started praying like..or trying to insomma...

nd after a year or two i sorta "established" a daily prayer time with God wer i wud blab and let out everything and be honest with God.. and basically i was quite an emotional young little kid xD...nd like i used to (and still do) overthink things a bit..so like little things would rly hurt me u knw how?..and i dnt used to let neone in on them..and at d end id burst one time...neone out der like me?..
for example wen our family used to go walking my dad wud walk wit my bro and my sis wud walk wit my mum and i used to just walk alone and feel all rejected..(i mean how emo was i?..but these little thigns used to hrut me)..nd i wud never admit dey hurt me..nd like i dnt think i ever felt understood becoz of d fact dat my mum was d yougnest..like my sister and my dad was d eldest like my brother so i felt my parents understood my siblings..but not me..

other thigns dat bothered me were the fact that we always had youths at home..nd to me it felt like "competition" for my parents..becoz many ppls wud come and talk to my parents about der problems and stuff...so sometimes i used to feel like my problems wer not important enough to bother my parents with them..which is how i became a very closed person whos not very open about my feelingss...buuuut im working on that..
moving on.. so in my "emotional-feelingrejected" times the only "friend" i wud hav is God..becoz i thought my problems wer too small for my parents..and i cudnt tell my friends dat my parents focus more on youths dan me coz den dey wouldnt want to come to y4j and dey wouldnt meet jesus and i wud ruin der chacne of meeting God!!! and so i took the weight of saving the world on my shoudlers and kept everything to myself...only lettin everything out to God every night whilst crying myself to sleep...thinking no1 in this world understands me..

(obviously i was a happy kid ta..but im just relating the tough times xD)
i had written this one time...*this is d time u all think im emo xD*


always felt i had to earn
every little thing i achieved or got..
i had to compete for love..
my brother and sister were not the only competition

i was a young girl
in the bigworld
wanting love and attention

but how could i compete with the problems, needs and time of 100 other teenagers
all beating me...
all ahead of me
when it came to problems, methods of communicating them and gettin the attention..

on the sideline i watched
while life zoomed passt me
i tried to be grateful..
isnt that wat i was meant to do
as the perfect chirstian girl?

so i strived for love and attention
all methods failing
how was i meant to know
that starving myself, hurting myself and sacrificing myself
would never work?

i had lost it all
i had nothign else to lose
no one told me it would never work
i was young...helpless..
in need of someone's caring hug..
u promised to carry me in your arms
forever...
but u never said anyone else would...

im saying all this coz i think many of us feel similar like..that nobody understands them and dey hav no1 dey can be totally honest too ... so im here to share my solution..
i became a friend of God..and basically i wud read my bible since i was quite a bookworm at a young age xD..nd i wud try see how dat applies to my life and situation atm..nd wen i re-read these journal thingys..i realise how wen i used to write down a certain problem..nd den open my bible..i used to get answers! real answers! answers from God! Someone who understood me!
so i wud cry with God../knowing he was der with me and dat better times wud come..
sometimes i wud pray hopeless prayers.. like :
"i'm hurting lord..im lonely..pls embrace me and heal my wounds..i know these feelings i hav may be all lies...but even tho i feel unloved i know im precious to the King of the universe.. but i wanna be precious to people too! not just shallow with everyone..i need ppls to know im hurting..".....nd i wud ramble on like dat to God..nd it truly does help! hence im encouraging u all to be real and genuine to God even wen it soudns like moanin..but be open to his help..even if its not the way u wud hav expected it!

but from hind-site i see dat...it was partly my fault that i remained alone..becoz i wudnt open up easily..(and altought im still a bit like dat today..i hav highly improved...- im saying dat coz i wanna be real and show u all dat im still not 100% made whole yet but i really believe that Gods helping me out of this)...so i wud keep everything to myself and it does eat u up inside!! *bettinas sure many of us feel like this wen we hide things*...

well i cud go on forever relating little thigns dat hurt me..nd little words form God dat encouraged me..but basically i think a major turning point was wen i realised God loved me unmasked..and he wanted me to be vulnerable to the world!
thats wen i started developing my songwriting..and wen i wrote "unmasked"..and "tear it down"...i wud type the lyrics out coz i enjoy writing but this posts loong man already! xD
so sometime il show dem to u (but most of u hav dem)

well now im grateful for the hard times wer all i had was GOd..becoz its how i became so close to him and its why i hav such a passion about the bible.. becoz der was a time in my life when those wer the only things dat kept me going..my only companions..nd dey helped! but god did give us friends too! so dont be afraid to be open to people..coz in the end we're all broken people!! and dats ok!! becoz dats why Jesus saved us and made us whole! xD
God gives us the joy and strength we need to go on everyday!! * laughs at the mini-sermon she has just typed out xD**laughs again becoz she is talking about herself in d 3rd person*

so im here to say..Be Real..showing who u are doesnt make u emo...and being always happy isnt necessarily real life! Jesus wept! Jesus suffered so dat we wont hav to suffer alone! He;s carrying us coz we're so broken!.. i will leave u with this quote im learning this week:

"Humble Yourselves before the Lord
and HE will lift You up"
(stress on He will lift you up..nd u dont need to do nething about it..think about it. When God uses us its Him lifting us up and not us doin nething..so dat removes all d stress of it xD)
Insomma..i wonder if this post made sense..or if uve reached the end but haha o well
Luv ya all
Blessings from your work-in-process friend
xxxxxxxxxx

If yesterday was ne different today wud be so different!

i wrote this a couple of days back..and thought i'd share..

8-6-08

It’s the now…
not the yesterday or the last year
That counts...

It’s the now
God’s not bothered about what you were
Or who you were a couple of months back
He’s interested in the now

Whether the past was so much cleaner
Or so much worse you shouldn’t think about it…
It’s the now that matters…
Previous good deeds and prayers
Selfish acts and greedy behaviours..

They dissolve when God’s around and
The now is all that matters
And only you have control over the now

Maybe your past was affected by others..
But the now…
You can change it and make a difference..

Past acts wont save you or damn you
Where you’re standing now might…

insommaaa basically i think we're all lookin at life a bit differently since last saturdays meetin..and i mean dats rly great!..but im encouraging all of us to keep this fire lit..and not to let it die by d winds and currents of this world that will try pull us down and keep us away from God..so yesterday was quite a hard day emotionally.. like i had abda arguments with my family all morning and i ended up crying at lunch..(N.B. i havent cried infront of my family since like forever)..but im glad i did..i dnt want neone thinking im macho anymore u knw?..im gna be really real!..nd although i dnt let neone knw why i was crying..it felt good being real...

insomma den i ended up bitter all afternoon..remembering past events dat hurt me and scarred my life...words and feelings returned to me and i was a ball of emotions..i prayed b4 i went to y4j but still i knew dat dat evening during praise i had to give evrything to God and like hav a healing/crying session xD...and insomma as others hav said maria vadia was amasing nd did actually bring Gods excitement back to us all i wud say!..
basically at a time she mentioned dat ppls with digestive problems wer gan be healed..nd i had to raise my hand..nd basically she prayed on me..nd like first she was saying like "jesus come..blablabla"..and in my brain i was like doubtin u knw how?.. but den i decided i hav to belive...so i started saying jesus i believe ur gna heal me thank you thank you thank you...and as soon as i thought dat she like said "thank you jesus"..and moved to d next person..nd i was like wow..nd i burst out crying..nd like enjoyed God's presence u knw?..

nd deeen she asked if neone was betty..nd like der wer 3 bettys and bascially she started praying on one of us bettys haha..nd like i tot ah ok she was talking about her..but wat she prayed rly struck me...

"God is pleased with you my good and faithful servant.."..
and not to sound big headed like..but i rly felt god saying it to me at dat moment...*not only coz im also betty xD*..but hekk i just...knew God was addressing me at that time..*hard feelin to describe
but neway =P

*Paul go away xD =P haha*

so as i cried..all these thoughts and feelings wer coming to me u knw?..all my hurts wer leaving and i knew it..and God was pleased with my work and was giving me the strength to keep living for him!..and also..xD..haha big news.. : I'M SHITTING!!

hahahaha i had to say that coz i truly believe im healed and my digestive system is back to normal..(haha i shat 2 times ta today!! i used to shit like once a week haha..so yup God healed my weird sickness i tink..i knw acutally)

insomma den after d meeting i walked down to bs with the polish ppls dat visited..nd i spent all the walk talking to gabriella..nd i realised we're rly lucky to hav eachother and like y4j..and i mean such a peaceful country wit friends all around us!..*shout out to gabriella and micheal whom we are all enjoying driving mad with our loud malteseness xD*

so newaaaay lol den i came home dat night all happy and on the clouds..(and this post is rly long but wat d hell its summer u shud all hav time to read it xD) and i couldnt sleep haha so i got my phone and typed this out://

i havent felt so full of peace
and yet so hurt and let down in one day
like this before

the morning was full of tears..bitterness, hurts, wounds left unseen to...
and it was as if you wer the only one
keeping me up..

but self pity sat comfortably in my heart
and althought i knew you were with me
i hurt too bad to forget and forgive..

but this evening you gave me the grace and strength
to be at peace once more
you totally took over and filled me up
so high...
i cried and overflowed

somehow i knew it was your healing touch
that was changing me
spiritually and physically...
thank you!..
is it enough?..xD
I Love You God!! xD


haha dats d end for now! xD..blessings and luv to all..haha how nice i got this allllll off my chest! xD wihtout interruptions from family haha *but with interruptions from achie and paul and drea haha but i luv dem neway =P* haha
tataaaaa
Bettinaaaaa
*on seoncd thoughts der all evil!!!!*

If our life's page was as blank as this one...

so i'm staring at this blank screen infront of me..and i'm in this mega pensive mood..so i will bless u with some thoughts and reflections of mine xD...

so like i dnt knw..if our life's page was as blank as this one how would we live it? how would we write it? i mean lately all that matters to me is having fun and all i tink about is how im gna fill my next day with activities to keep me busy and entertained..nd im thinkin..is der something wrong with that mentality?..isnt it like rly shallow?...(or am i simply over thinking things for a chnage? xD)

i mean just think for a few seconds about all those ppls who hav absolutely nothing possession-wise..and all those who have everything...and still der r d rich empty unhappy ones..nd d poor empty unhappy ones....and d poor happy ones and d rich happy ones...and happiness i mean wat is dat?..its not why we're alive...becoz if we wer always meant to be happy i belive jesus would always hav been happy and he certainly wasnt...all he did was keep his father happy..so shouldnt dat be our life's goal too?..to keep our Father happy..becoz after all He created us and knows what will make us happy!..

*feels like she got a weird balla off her stonku*..*nd now re-reads her sentence and realises shes a total pepe!*

insomma so lately i wrote this..and found a pretty tune for it..basically im thinking..we all procrastinated a bit during o levels..thinking in summer we'll hav laods of time and get bak to our quiet times and rly get close to God and get fit and blablabla (all those other promises we made to ourselves)...which hav all ended up like new years resolutions...not being fulfilled..and jsut being airy fairy thoughts dat we never put to action..*maaa*

so like im not sure how this song is related actually but here it is..sum thoughts from God xD:

Are your hearts too hard to take it in?
you have eyes...but can't you see?
You hav ears can't you hear?
Don't you remember...anything at all?

chorus:
what about the 5,000 i fed?
what about the blood that i shed?
i've healed ppl with one touch
for you i gave so much..
why can't you see clearly?

Don't you understand even yet?
Scattered sheep; lost souls; once for all
you were sent looking for...
something to fulfill..your empty core..

chorus:
what about the 5,000 i fed?
what about the blood that i shed?
i've healed ppl with one touch
for you i gave so much...
why can't you see clearly?

.....anwaaaayss...if uve managed to get to d end of my blog..*well done! xD*...il be glad to inform u dat il contiue spillin some other time..i mean like d thing dat happened at exiles..illa ive thought of so many "morals of the story"..dat like il need to write a book about dat incident xD..but for now il let u live...
im gna go read my bible and think about things dat matter and not thigns dat pls me for d moment...lets get back to God ppls..i think..actually i'm sure..its d only way we can change the world..
Blessingsss

If I had come home on time...*xD*

haha..ok all my blog titles will begin with "if" from now on..(not dat i promise many blogs but anyway =P)
so i got grounded..how funny is dat??..considering no1 in my family ever got grounded.. lol.. so i came home a bit b4 midnight..nd apparently i wasnt meant to on a weekday..*but did my mum ever tell me this? of course not lool*...and like my key dnt open d front door..*becoz sam locked it from inside nd our door's mad* nd i had to wake up my mum!! hence more trouble lol...nd so i got grounded haha
and like since im not at home a lot i get blamed for nething dat happens wen im not around lol

for example: xD sum1 bit a bounty and left it upstairs open...nd it got infested with ants...*obviously*..and i got d blame..but like dude i wouldnt hav left half a bounty chocolate uneaten on my desk im not daft!! xD
sooo if i had come home on time i wudnt hav been wriitng this stupid blog becoz i wud be gettin ready to go to sliema and "dye" my hair blonder with lemons, eggs and cinammon and my luvly friends lilly and beppe hahaha

newaaays haha summers been good.. now my plans are..to call d creche and ask wen i can go help... to call my piano teacher and ask wen i can go for lessons..nd to start a ballet class again after d ballet exams finish....
*gets out list of otehr things she must do in summer* :

• Hav a romantic walk with elaine xD
• play playstation at beppe (haha yey i can tick this one coz i played...he has a very cute family ta..nd an out of tune piano xD)
• get fit..(i plan on stretching today at night wen its a bit cooler xD)
• play piano (..haha well this is easy..ive written like 2 songs this summer..yes in these past few days lol..im luving pianotime...il show u all my songs one time wen u come over xD)
• babysit..(ive been meaning to call my aunts to go help maa i forgot!)
• visit school..(iiiiiii dorotheans...we hav to do our walk ta! xD)
• write letters...(woooops...feeliin lazy and havent started writing letters to all my luvly friends xD..i will eventaully..and i hav to do schoolleavings as well!!)

haha dat was my list dat i made in class...but der wer more like..hook up with a tourist..and like cook pumpkin soup (luv ya el =P)...and like make a cold winter party in an airconditioned room xD...haha newaaaayy.....

i am currently missing zoe and achie because i havent seen dem for a whole day! xD...nd i miss all my doretheans specially drea..(who i had a date wit)..,el, d twins, nd kim (who i spent a day at ghadira with)...nikky, max and lilly..(who i...saw a film wit yesterday? haha and met at ghadira last time xD)...nd insomma all my other lovers dat i miss while i stay home being groudned lool*sayin dat sounds so wierd*

wat a shallow blog..dnt wry i will honour u all with my reflections another time but for now just keep tuned in to GOd...*becoz he wuuuvv uuuuu nd we'll only be happy wen we live for him xD*

Bet d cool (=P brooks nd paul)