Tuesday, June 24, 2008

If something everlasting exists...

Hello again bloggers xD the study is the hottest room of the house and so im not very encouraged by the weather to blog and spend time on the pc hehe but neways my last blog is getting old so i will update u all on my brain and thoughts..
so a few days ago i was a bit confused.. like i wanted to be passionate about the things i do..but like...well im not sure how i can explain this but i just wanted to feel something extreme..like either extreme compassion or extreme boldness ... u knw how?.. i just wanted to feel im giving 100% or gettin 100%...nd i sorta wrote this..

i want to have the heart of a poet..
but the strength of an athlete...

the boldness of a bully
but the passion of a song..

the perseverence of a little child
but the strong head of a teen..

the trusting spirit of a healed person
but the wisdom of an old man...

the fighting spirit of a warrior
but the peace of a slow-running stream..

so u see..i wanted something extreme...but then i sorta realised that i couldnt have it alone..xD *how highly confused are you?*..well neways..dats wen i realised only God can be totally in touch wit His feelings yet still strong..and totally merciful but totally just..nd although i do usually find it hard to wrap my little brain around such confusing matters..i think it does make sense.. and it makes me stand in awe of God if u knw wat i mean..

thinking about it.. we all strive for somethin extreme, something eternal...somethin that will last and truly be wat it claims to be! for example so many of us strive to be the prettiest; the skinnyest; or most popular..becoz we imagine having so much good {to an extreme} will satisfy us..but lets get real..nothing in this world rly satisfies us wen we're in one of those deep, pissy moods xD..
i mean i'm sure all of u hav had loved ones say "i'll always be there" and den they just weren't or maybe they were..but without the right words to say...or else you've experienced something the world portrays as good or normal.. and u find out its not so amasing...

digging into my own life story yet again..i think i went thru wat many of us did..not only girls..
i had my cry-when-i -stare-into-the-mirror days..and i disliked myself for some time too..and reduced wat i ate...(no i never rly turned anorexic or nething but i guess i hav my family to thank becoz der such food lovers i wouldnt hav been able to spend a day without being forced to eat!)... i guess it was a way i showed i was thirsty for love in the most discrete way ever u knw?..like i wudnt eat as much as i used to.. thinkin dat maybe someone would realise and let me knw im loved for wat i am nd not wat i hav to become!
well for all those like dat...der is someone who's realising ur hurting even if u may be crying out for love in a different way nd ders no1 to realise ur need...I wish i could let u all know how real it is dat wenever ur crying uself to sleep god's crying wit u..nd wenever ur wishing u had a differnt life or family or friends..God's der wit u saying.."only i can see the big picture..but for now i'll hurt with you coz i know wat its like to be misunderstood and taken forgranted and rejected..."..

so i remember one time after a couple of weeks of playing with my food and thinking i wasnt thin/nice/ watever enough.. i went into the bathroom for a shower..and i had had a pretty tough week..nd i had looked in the mirror and started crying..not becuase i tot i was ugly or nething dat dramatic..but becoz at that moment i realised i wasnt living my life the way God planned me to live it.. nd i cried and prayed "God i knw i might not love myself atm..but i knw dat with ur stength i can start living my life normally the way i used to without focusing on me so much but turning all my thoughts and decisions to you!"....i remember dat day my shower was like a total "baptism"..xD.. like i was gna start over..
nd i think GOd wants us to start over more often..since starting over is always better dan procrastinating and saying we'll fix things 2moro..well here's a song i later wrote for some people i knew who were battling with food and luving themselves.. (wit d help of a special someone xD)

Verse 1:
I don’t deserve to see
the beuaty of a flower,
Will I ever be
good enough for you to love?

I can’t forgive myself
if I’m just no good.
Will I ever be
thin enough to accept?

And what about me?
What about me?
The me inside
Who should I believe?

Coz there’s a monster inside,
Telling me I’m worthles,
Tears come; it just laughs
its way through my life.
How long will I keep believing,
This lying monster, monster inside?

Verse 2:
Scared of losing friends,
Coz of gaining weight.
Why do the wrongs in me,
Outnumber my rights?

My heart is hurting still,
Coz of that last comment you passed.
I’m self destructive,
Just longing to fit in.

Coz there’s a monster inside,
Telling me I’m worthles,
Tears come; it just laughs its way through my life.
How long will I keep believing,
This lying monster, monster inside?

And I long for that day
When I can praise You
For I am fearfully and wonderfully made! x2

Chorus 2:
Coz there’s Jesus right here,
Now I know I’m worth it
Tears come; He wipes away all my fears
When can I stop adoring
My loving Saviour, Jesus my Lord?

so bak to wat i said b4..if nothing in this world can satisfy us..r we all screwed?..nd u obviously all know my answer..xD..and dat is that d only thing dat ever actually "satisfied" me is God..(although the word "satisfied" is not a very good description for wat i mean)..but ill save my sermons for another time..nd il go on revealing a bit more about me xD..

nd all this leaves me wandering if nething in this world (apart from God duuh) xD ..ever lasts forever
i mean seriously..if neone can finish off this simile i'l be rly impressed..

"As never-ending as......."
any suggestions?..xD..neways this is another one of those reasons i find myself needing God.. here's a song i sorta wrote..which doesn't look too much like a song when typed out but actually has quite a cool tune once its played on d piano...still i'll share xD:
In this world everything ends
every little thing
every little thing ends
But Your love it stays forever,forever
You're everlasting; You never change
Your love is strong, yes it remains
Yesterday,today, the same...
You're everlasting!
so this comes to another part of my life which is a bit tricky..the fact that my dad's always coming and going to libya and so even my family is always changing.. sometimes it feels like he's gna be away forever..or dat if he was it wud reduce the heartache...but then when i think thoughts like dat i cant help but feel very nasty... still..its hard to get used to my dad being around one week and den suddenly cope without him for the next week..but be ready to include him into my life the week after...and so on... And its a situation dat cannot rly be changed if u knw wat i mean?..coz like is he gna stop working? or live in libya? coz either way things wud just get worse.. So solutions are pretty pointless since der isnt rly one...
so i just cling on to God and i think he rly does help me get thru d times wen i feel torn apart...and well i must mention all the friends and ppls dat hav helped me even just put things into proportion when i feel dat with my dad figure coming and going my world is falling to pieces...
well ill expand on this topic some other time.. xD (rob why did u make me start a blog? xD)..now i feel i hav so much more to let u all in on ..but ul hav to wait till another time coz im hot and sleeppy xD..
so guys cling onto ur heavenly- everylasting- fulfilling- Father up in heaven and know dat he's madly in love with you and waiting for u to run back into his arms saying.. "i'm here knowin dat u knw d besst way for me to live my life..so pls show me wat to do!"...
luv ya all! Blessings


Pawlu said...

I read it i read it xD
*Bett why did u run away from exiles today? XD*

Anyways very inspiring points i guess, still saddening in my humblest opinion;- not the fact that ur writing down ur experience, just like that most people go through it, oh well watever, keep blogging/preaching/composing Fr.Bettina xP

maria angela said...

what a nice post bett!!! i think its what God really needed to tell me, seriously! yesterday at nite, wen i opened my bible, it came on matthew 16: 19-21... about storing our treasures in Heaven rather that on earth.. so thanks so much for sharing such thoughtful and encouraging toughts!!

oh yes i got an idea... as everlasting as eternity :) tehe tghidli mux ovja! xD lol but ur truly right!!

may Daddy keeps on blessing u!!

Rachie said...

as never ending as the water in the seas =-

Water evaporates into steam(still water) and then condenses back into liquid form, so its been around for millennia.... But then again, unlike God it isn't unchanging. And we're also polluting it and not being careful with it, so one day in the very very very very very distant future we might actually have a problem due to scarcity of water.

I just realised how much I blabbed... environmental is over, I shouldn't be writing these paragraphs xD
Blessings and hugs :)

BeCk said...

speachless :P love ur blog thanks needed it too :) also i love ur sings bett theyre amazing well done :)

MC said...

bet u never cease to astound me. thanks for sharing...it hit home. achie u took my thought:( i was gona say as everlasting as water hehe
love the songs bet xxx mc

rache said...

illa bett, you don't even realise how long it is once it's so good. gripping actually. i don't know, i'm exhausted but yes, well done pupa, keep praising!!