Hey all.. so first of all i wanna tell you all that your comments and messages and msn conversations about my last blog were all very encouraging! xD so thanks loadsss for them all...
like seriously it showed me how wen im honest i can actually help others or at least show ppls who i really am and help myself..xD..*haha i might say rubbish coz at night i just stay thinking and now im blogging instead of journaling lol*
(today i showed drea my many prayer journals dat date back to 2002 i realised..coz she msged me while i was stretching coz she was in my road and so she came up to my room while i stretched and i showed her my dressies and my journals haha)
and thinking about my journals istra...der rly helpful.. coz thing is..i hav some rly depressing entries and like i was young ta wen i wrote them!
so lemme brief u about how i got close to God and how my prayer journals are so important to me.. xD
so basically i decided i wanted to be a chirstian wen i was 8 since my parents always had meetings going on at home and used to organise little prayer meetings for teenagers at our house u ekk..and dey used to go to gozo every summer like..nd one time in gozo on my 8th bday... i stayed for der meeting and like sang d songs with them and rly decided in my heart alone dat i wanted to follow God like..nd from den on i started praying like..or trying to insomma...
nd after a year or two i sorta "established" a daily prayer time with God wer i wud blab and let out everything and be honest with God.. and basically i was quite an emotional young little kid xD...nd like i used to (and still do) overthink things a bit..so like little things would rly hurt me u knw how?..and i dnt used to let neone in on them..and at d end id burst one time...neone out der like me?..
for example wen our family used to go walking my dad wud walk wit my bro and my sis wud walk wit my mum and i used to just walk alone and feel all rejected..(i mean how emo was i?..but these little thigns used to hrut me)..nd i wud never admit dey hurt me..nd like i dnt think i ever felt understood becoz of d fact dat my mum was d yougnest..like my sister and my dad was d eldest like my brother so i felt my parents understood my siblings..but not me..
other thigns dat bothered me were the fact that we always had youths at home..nd to me it felt like "competition" for my parents..becoz many ppls wud come and talk to my parents about der problems and stuff...so sometimes i used to feel like my problems wer not important enough to bother my parents with them..which is how i became a very closed person whos not very open about my feelingss...buuuut im working on that..
moving on.. so in my "emotional-feelingrejected" times the only "friend" i wud hav is God..becoz i thought my problems wer too small for my parents..and i cudnt tell my friends dat my parents focus more on youths dan me coz den dey wouldnt want to come to y4j and dey wouldnt meet jesus and i wud ruin der chacne of meeting God!!! and so i took the weight of saving the world on my shoudlers and kept everything to myself...only lettin everything out to God every night whilst crying myself to sleep...thinking no1 in this world understands me..
(obviously i was a happy kid ta..but im just relating the tough times xD)
i had written this one time...*this is d time u all think im emo xD*
always felt i had to earn
every little thing i achieved or got..
i had to compete for love..
my brother and sister were not the only competition
i was a young girl
in the bigworld
wanting love and attention
but how could i compete with the problems, needs and time of 100 other teenagers
all beating me...
all ahead of me
when it came to problems, methods of communicating them and gettin the attention..
on the sideline i watched
while life zoomed passt me
i tried to be grateful..
isnt that wat i was meant to do
as the perfect chirstian girl?
so i strived for love and attention
all methods failing
how was i meant to know
that starving myself, hurting myself and sacrificing myself
would never work?
i had lost it all
i had nothign else to lose
no one told me it would never work
i was young...helpless..
in need of someone's caring hug..
u promised to carry me in your arms
but u never said anyone else would...
im saying all this coz i think many of us feel similar like..that nobody understands them and dey hav no1 dey can be totally honest too ... so im here to share my solution..
i became a friend of God..and basically i wud read my bible since i was quite a bookworm at a young age xD..nd i wud try see how dat applies to my life and situation atm..nd wen i re-read these journal thingys..i realise how wen i used to write down a certain problem..nd den open my bible..i used to get answers! real answers! answers from God! Someone who understood me!
so i wud cry with God../knowing he was der with me and dat better times wud come..
sometimes i wud pray hopeless prayers.. like :
"i'm hurting lord..im lonely..pls embrace me and heal my wounds..i know these feelings i hav may be all lies...but even tho i feel unloved i know im precious to the King of the universe.. but i wanna be precious to people too! not just shallow with everyone..i need ppls to know im hurting..".....nd i wud ramble on like dat to God..nd it truly does help! hence im encouraging u all to be real and genuine to God even wen it soudns like moanin..but be open to his help..even if its not the way u wud hav expected it!
but from hind-site i see dat...it was partly my fault that i remained alone..becoz i wudnt open up easily..(and altought im still a bit like dat today..i hav highly improved...- im saying dat coz i wanna be real and show u all dat im still not 100% made whole yet but i really believe that Gods helping me out of this)...so i wud keep everything to myself and it does eat u up inside!! *bettinas sure many of us feel like this wen we hide things*...
well i cud go on forever relating little thigns dat hurt me..nd little words form God dat encouraged me..but basically i think a major turning point was wen i realised God loved me unmasked..and he wanted me to be vulnerable to the world!
thats wen i started developing my songwriting..and wen i wrote "unmasked"..and "tear it down"...i wud type the lyrics out coz i enjoy writing but this posts loong man already! xD
so sometime il show dem to u (but most of u hav dem)
well now im grateful for the hard times wer all i had was GOd..becoz its how i became so close to him and its why i hav such a passion about the bible.. becoz der was a time in my life when those wer the only things dat kept me going..my only companions..nd dey helped! but god did give us friends too! so dont be afraid to be open to people..coz in the end we're all broken people!! and dats ok!! becoz dats why Jesus saved us and made us whole! xD
God gives us the joy and strength we need to go on everyday!! * laughs at the mini-sermon she has just typed out xD**laughs again becoz she is talking about herself in d 3rd person*
so im here to say..Be Real..showing who u are doesnt make u emo...and being always happy isnt necessarily real life! Jesus wept! Jesus suffered so dat we wont hav to suffer alone! He;s carrying us coz we're so broken!.. i will leave u with this quote im learning this week:
"Humble Yourselves before the Lord
and HE will lift You up"
(stress on He will lift you up..nd u dont need to do nething about it..think about it. When God uses us its Him lifting us up and not us doin nething..so dat removes all d stress of it xD)
Insomma..i wonder if this post made sense..or if uve reached the end but haha o well
Luv ya all
Blessings from your work-in-process friend