Not much concrete stuff…just a couple (or maybe not just a couple) of poetry lines if anyone feels like a read…=)
I feel misunderstood; secretly judged… somehow like
Nobody’s totally for me or against me…
Like everyone’s a friend in your presence
But then changes when you’re away…
Like there’s no time to turn to anyone
Else but You God…
Yet people are free
To turn to me, whatever time it may be. (N.B. dnt comment about that =P I was in a bad mood xD)
I feel looked down on; unimportant
Perhaps I’m laughed at…or the butt of many jokes…
Yet maybe, just maybe I might make a difference…
To one person’s life… like some people to me.
I need to learn to love constantly,
And not to bother so much about first impressions
Or keeping up the high standard.
Why is it we care about people’s thoughts
But we never think anyone cares enough
About what we think and feel?
What is it we care for? The comments; compliments?
So what’s the worst that can possibly happen?
Nobody likes me; loves me; needs me; wants me…
And I’ll be left alone with You…
I know You’re all I need;
I know You gave me what I need…
Even if that means I needed friends. =)
Would my world be that desperate without them?
Could I run away to my own world
Of thoughts, dreams, poetry and prayers?
With You? will You be my inspiration?
My expression and purpose? Do I believe…
That You are enough to be my world?
I’m trying to find the balance
Of juggling You and the world…
I hope You’ll remain first
But I know that I shouldn’t totally disassociate
Myself from the world.
I’m not in the world
For love and entertainment.
I’m here to give to it…to be the help…
To break pre-conditioned ideas…
And perhaps to prove who I really am…
Or will someone be bothered enough to find out for himself?
Will anyone ever care that much?
I know You do…is it enough?
You gave me people for a reason…
I need love and attention…
I’m created that way!
Was I raised thinking I should cope alone?
Cope just giving?
All I did was receive from You…
So all I can do is give away all I’ve gotten so far!
You keep me alive…You keep my heart soft.
Look what You’ve saved me from…
Look at what You’ve planned for me to do:
To be the broken example of a person being healed;
To be the hurt human here, proving that comfort can be felt;
To be the lost one, that found what she searched for!
The insecurities I’ll cast onto the life-saving cross..
The thoughts and fears, selfishness and bitterness
That has kept me back…I will be rid of!
I’m not living to prove a point…
I’m living to love You with my life…
May my point be proven in how I do this.
My goal…to serve You…not to stand out
As the different one just to be noticed.
When life gets too loud You can’t block it out.
If you have nothing stronger to cling to…
You’ll drift towards a sad ending you can’t foresee.
I was once a dependant young child…
But for some reason… now I prefer to try alone.
You’re probably all tired of reading but before I post my last song I’m gonna write some verses that help with getting through =)
"Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds
Because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.” James 1:2
“Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.” 1:12
“…our God is full of compassion.
The Lord protects the simple-hearted;
When I was in great need, he saved me.” Ps.116: 5-6
So you should all be impressed at my brief-ness xD coz it’s so unlike me… but last thing before I leave you to make something out of my confusion and thoughts…a.k.a. poetry xD…
Out of all those lines…and the poems I posted last time… a song has evolved…enjoy =)
Verse 1:
Constant dripping on a rainy day
Trying to restrain the wind
Or grasp oil with the hand.
Empty words; I’ve heard of this truth
They sang about it in the psalms
Today in the heavenly realms.
Pre-chorus:
I’m worn out, like a torn old dress
Them I will soon cease to impress
Chorus:
Coz I’m the broken example of a person being healed;
The hurt human here, proving that comfort can be felt;
The lost one, that found what she was searching for.
Now all my insecurities I’ll cast onto
The life-saving cross.
Verse 2:
Clouds and wind come without rain
They say they’ll try and stop my pain…
But they do nothing at all.
Passing crowds; You’ve singled me out
Chosen me to serve and love
Yearned to have me as Your own.
Pre-chorus:
But I’m worn out, like a torn old dress
Them I will soon cease to impress
Chorus:
Coz I’m the broken example of a person being healed;
The hurt human here, proving that comfort can be felt;
The lost one, that found what she was searching for.
Now all my insecurities I’ll cast onto
The life-saving cross.
Iiiii if anyone’s still following…I wrote this in the library the other day xD (It’s a prayer for anyone who was thinking otherwise):
If I could write a song to You
It would probably have the most overused phrases
Sung over and over again, yet perhaps in
The most sincere way you can ever know.
I’d like to tell You that I love You
For who You are and not who I’ve made You to be.
I’d pray You’d take my all
Accept my life a sacrifice of love, as worship to You.
If I had a good tune to sing
It would be the best of any other that I can bring.
Bottled up; expressions reach the surface,
Exploding into a love song I’ve longed to write
You gave me my all and now I’m giving it back…how many times have You heard those words? Can I be real, like few others before me? Do You know I want to give all glory to You? Why can’t people be true? Why must this frustrate my inmost being?hurting me to my deepest core? I’ve known what it’s like to be trapped so maybe this could actually be compassion; a longing for others not to suffer things I have.
I’m letting all of the things I control…go! So…freely I can say that I love You
For who You are and not who I’ve made You to be.
I’d pray You’d take my all
Accept my life a sacrifice of love, as worship to You
Gn! Blessings to all =)
xxxx
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Sunday, November 9, 2008
If I belong…
So I guess this blog is a result of a month of school and restriction compared to my free summer days….it’s a stress relieve…a way for me to be me and just sort out my thoughts... so for those who are curious to enter my world of thoughts and emotions here it goes...xD
Everyday at school you’re a nobody…just another face… for those that have been to Junior College or any other sort of big school you know what I mean…
Certain days I love the fact that I’m no one…other days I want an identity… some days I love the fact that people don’t know anything about me… that they’ll never see me again…other days I wish I can be making more of a difference to these people who I simply walk past day in day out…*xD yes I’m going on about nothing in particular...but let me vent*
So that’s probably an explanation to one of my latest mobile-poems xD…where basically I was feeling so stretched by tests, school and ballet rehearsals that I just wished to be old for half a second…
6-10-08
If I was an old woman with nothing to do
I’d spend days blogging, Journaling
And writing out every thought
I’d ever had…
I’d put every tune that ever came to mind
Into a beautiful song of its own
I’d write letters of encouragement
To anyone that might seem to need one…
I would fix every poem,
And sort out my head
And the best thing is
That I won’t have any regrets
About what I could have done if I had more time!
I would stop to talk to every needy person
And have enough time to be needy in front of God!
I’d be so synced I’d know what to do in every situation
Coz I’d have His guidance in everything I do!
Now I reallyyyy don’t want to go on some pity party about my busy life...coz I’ve been busier and I know you could probably comment and tell me “you know I have this this this and this also so stop fussing…”…but sometimes...I need to reflect like this so that I can make the best of my time I guess…
It’s like I feel the need to tell God and myself..."this is what I’d rather be doing but for some reason I’m stuck at school so do something with it" xD…*yes yes I know I go to school to learn and I do love every second of it*..
but don’t you ever just dream of taking the risk and quitting everything and giving yourself totally to just one cause…so that like that you wont have any regrets in that part of your life?...xD
*have I lost you with my rambling xD?*
I didn’t realize this until I wrote it out…but I got an answer to my previous belonging question just now…read on… on the 23rd I wrote this in my journal xD:
23-10-08
Renewed, I’m starting afresh
Poor in spirit; a need so desperate
To know you more.
“The Lord knows those who are His..” 2 Tim 2:1-21
I don’t want to just live but to live loud and do things for people!
I will proclaim your love at the start of something new and your faithfulness at its end!
I guess in a way God just tapped me on the shoulder to let me know I’m His…and even though I’m in an everything’s-cliché’ sort of mood lately… I still needed to heard that xD
This whole being-a-nobody phase led me to my next mobile-poem one night when I was feeling a bit on the down side… a bit on the pushed-aside side xD
7-10-08
Why do you need so much attention?
Why must you want so much love
While I just starve here screaming!
I kiss the rain every day
And get through another night…
Am I meant to be more out going?
Or have You, God, made me
A more reflective person on purpose?
Why is it we feel we must be happy..
And talkative all the time?
Must I keep reaching out for love?
Or should I just accept the love that comes my way?
Can you satisfy me?
My heart’s every desire?
Take all my thoughts Lord!
I’m thinking now… I should really learn Maltese! These are my reasons… it’s hard to talk to people coz English is like “oh my goodness” xD so I feel I’m suppressing a bit of who I am everyday:
26-10-08
I come to offer you my time coz I have nothing else to offer really…
My timid character seems to take over when I’ll be dying to shout Your name!
Must I wait for the sea to resound and everything in it..
To say you are great…and I love you?
I want a purpose…to do something out of this world…
Is thinking big all for nothing?
Or are Your plans truly so much larger?
I think I’ve spoken about this once…about how I wish I could make huge changes in this world! ...Without wasting time on petty things…but who knows…maybe petty things are having a huge effect on people…or maybe there not… but they're preparing me for something… *wonders; dreams xD*
Amidst all these feelings of no time for myself lately…I’ve found time to read a bit…the book’s called “The Applause of Heaven”….and although it has a very soppy cover…it’s content makes sense…xD just gonna type out one sentence (well more like 3 or 4)that helped me realize how helpless I am without my Someone Greater…=)
“You don’t impress officials at NASA with a paper airplane…
You don’t boast about your crayon sketches in the presence of Picasso…
You don’t claim equality with Einstein because you can write H2O…
and you don’t boast about your goodness in the presence of the Perfect.”
Max Lucado – Applause of Heaven
*it’s a great quote aye xD???*
Guys sometimes I feel really outgoing…sometimes I want to crawl into my own world… I’m not sure why… but I think I’m not meant to be the hyper one… maybe my reflective-ness is the only way I can song-write and be me…and maybe that’s not a bad thing =)… *and for those times when I’m hyper…that will be me too…so let me be! xD*
For anyone still reading…these are my latest songs…well they still have to be developed into songs...xD but they will be soon when I get an hour to myself
30-10-08
Verse 1:
Like clouds and wind without rain
They say they’ll try and stop my pain
They don’t do anything at all
Empty words; I’ve heard of this truth
They sang about it in the psalms;
Today in the heavenly realms.
Chorus:
I am Yours and Yours I’ll remain
Coz when the pushing, pulling, strain
Have left me like the withered grass
Turn Your ear to me
When I call, answer my plea.
Verse 2:
And I’m worn out like a torn old dress;
Them I will soon cease to impress
But you’re the beginning; the end.
Passing crowds; you’ve singled me out;
Chosen me to serve and love You
To know me; to have me know you!
Chorus:
I am Yours and Yours I’ll remain
Coz when the pushing, pulling, strain
Have left me like the withered grass
Turn Your ear to me
When I call, answer my plea.
And the other one...xD this one’s based on 2 bible verses actually…and it’s quite structurless...xD
But basically I realized that if I was never hurt, broken, lonely or in a bad mood then God would never have gotten a chance to shine through me… I think sometimes I’m selfish and assume I should be fine all the time and get my way all the time…coz I believe my ways better…
buuuuut I guess God thinks otherwise…and if you’ve read some of my other blogs you’d realize that when God does the opposite to what I would have wanted…it usually works out for the best even tho i stamp my feet and don't enjoy it initially xD….
I’ll stop preaching now...and leave you to read haha
4-11-08 ( Ezekiel. 10:1-11:25/ Ps 105)
If I never walk through the dark, hard times
How can I see your glory shine?
If I am never weak how will Your
Strength be made known to the world?
If I’m not obedient will Your plans be fulfilled?
If I remain stubborn will I break or build?
An undivided heart; a new spirit in me.
Give me a heart of flesh
Coz this heart of stone
Has left me cold and broken
I want to be Yours
Devoted to you!
I want to end with this video coz it’s gotten me thru these weeks and so if you’ve read my whole blog or if you’ve just skimmed, rolled your eyes and came to this...
do bother watching just this xD..
Luv to all xD
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Everyday at school you’re a nobody…just another face… for those that have been to Junior College or any other sort of big school you know what I mean…
Certain days I love the fact that I’m no one…other days I want an identity… some days I love the fact that people don’t know anything about me… that they’ll never see me again…other days I wish I can be making more of a difference to these people who I simply walk past day in day out…*xD yes I’m going on about nothing in particular...but let me vent*
So that’s probably an explanation to one of my latest mobile-poems xD…where basically I was feeling so stretched by tests, school and ballet rehearsals that I just wished to be old for half a second…
6-10-08
If I was an old woman with nothing to do
I’d spend days blogging, Journaling
And writing out every thought
I’d ever had…
I’d put every tune that ever came to mind
Into a beautiful song of its own
I’d write letters of encouragement
To anyone that might seem to need one…
I would fix every poem,
And sort out my head
And the best thing is
That I won’t have any regrets
About what I could have done if I had more time!
I would stop to talk to every needy person
And have enough time to be needy in front of God!
I’d be so synced I’d know what to do in every situation
Coz I’d have His guidance in everything I do!
Now I reallyyyy don’t want to go on some pity party about my busy life...coz I’ve been busier and I know you could probably comment and tell me “you know I have this this this and this also so stop fussing…”…but sometimes...I need to reflect like this so that I can make the best of my time I guess…
It’s like I feel the need to tell God and myself..."this is what I’d rather be doing but for some reason I’m stuck at school so do something with it" xD…*yes yes I know I go to school to learn and I do love every second of it*..
but don’t you ever just dream of taking the risk and quitting everything and giving yourself totally to just one cause…so that like that you wont have any regrets in that part of your life?...xD
*have I lost you with my rambling xD?*
I didn’t realize this until I wrote it out…but I got an answer to my previous belonging question just now…read on… on the 23rd I wrote this in my journal xD:
23-10-08
Renewed, I’m starting afresh
Poor in spirit; a need so desperate
To know you more.
“The Lord knows those who are His..” 2 Tim 2:1-21
I don’t want to just live but to live loud and do things for people!
I will proclaim your love at the start of something new and your faithfulness at its end!
I guess in a way God just tapped me on the shoulder to let me know I’m His…and even though I’m in an everything’s-cliché’ sort of mood lately… I still needed to heard that xD
This whole being-a-nobody phase led me to my next mobile-poem one night when I was feeling a bit on the down side… a bit on the pushed-aside side xD
7-10-08
Why do you need so much attention?
Why must you want so much love
While I just starve here screaming!
I kiss the rain every day
And get through another night…
Am I meant to be more out going?
Or have You, God, made me
A more reflective person on purpose?
Why is it we feel we must be happy..
And talkative all the time?
Must I keep reaching out for love?
Or should I just accept the love that comes my way?
Can you satisfy me?
My heart’s every desire?
Take all my thoughts Lord!
I’m thinking now… I should really learn Maltese! These are my reasons… it’s hard to talk to people coz English is like “oh my goodness” xD so I feel I’m suppressing a bit of who I am everyday:
26-10-08
I come to offer you my time coz I have nothing else to offer really…
My timid character seems to take over when I’ll be dying to shout Your name!
Must I wait for the sea to resound and everything in it..
To say you are great…and I love you?
I want a purpose…to do something out of this world…
Is thinking big all for nothing?
Or are Your plans truly so much larger?
I think I’ve spoken about this once…about how I wish I could make huge changes in this world! ...Without wasting time on petty things…but who knows…maybe petty things are having a huge effect on people…or maybe there not… but they're preparing me for something… *wonders; dreams xD*
Amidst all these feelings of no time for myself lately…I’ve found time to read a bit…the book’s called “The Applause of Heaven”….and although it has a very soppy cover…it’s content makes sense…xD just gonna type out one sentence (well more like 3 or 4)that helped me realize how helpless I am without my Someone Greater…=)
“You don’t impress officials at NASA with a paper airplane…
You don’t boast about your crayon sketches in the presence of Picasso…
You don’t claim equality with Einstein because you can write H2O…
and you don’t boast about your goodness in the presence of the Perfect.”
Max Lucado – Applause of Heaven
*it’s a great quote aye xD???*
Guys sometimes I feel really outgoing…sometimes I want to crawl into my own world… I’m not sure why… but I think I’m not meant to be the hyper one… maybe my reflective-ness is the only way I can song-write and be me…and maybe that’s not a bad thing =)… *and for those times when I’m hyper…that will be me too…so let me be! xD*
For anyone still reading…these are my latest songs…well they still have to be developed into songs...xD but they will be soon when I get an hour to myself
30-10-08
Verse 1:
Like clouds and wind without rain
They say they’ll try and stop my pain
They don’t do anything at all
Empty words; I’ve heard of this truth
They sang about it in the psalms;
Today in the heavenly realms.
Chorus:
I am Yours and Yours I’ll remain
Coz when the pushing, pulling, strain
Have left me like the withered grass
Turn Your ear to me
When I call, answer my plea.
Verse 2:
And I’m worn out like a torn old dress;
Them I will soon cease to impress
But you’re the beginning; the end.
Passing crowds; you’ve singled me out;
Chosen me to serve and love You
To know me; to have me know you!
Chorus:
I am Yours and Yours I’ll remain
Coz when the pushing, pulling, strain
Have left me like the withered grass
Turn Your ear to me
When I call, answer my plea.
And the other one...xD this one’s based on 2 bible verses actually…and it’s quite structurless...xD
But basically I realized that if I was never hurt, broken, lonely or in a bad mood then God would never have gotten a chance to shine through me… I think sometimes I’m selfish and assume I should be fine all the time and get my way all the time…coz I believe my ways better…
buuuuut I guess God thinks otherwise…and if you’ve read some of my other blogs you’d realize that when God does the opposite to what I would have wanted…it usually works out for the best even tho i stamp my feet and don't enjoy it initially xD….
I’ll stop preaching now...and leave you to read haha
4-11-08 ( Ezekiel. 10:1-11:25/ Ps 105)
If I never walk through the dark, hard times
How can I see your glory shine?
If I am never weak how will Your
Strength be made known to the world?
If I’m not obedient will Your plans be fulfilled?
If I remain stubborn will I break or build?
An undivided heart; a new spirit in me.
Give me a heart of flesh
Coz this heart of stone
Has left me cold and broken
I want to be Yours
Devoted to you!
I want to end with this video coz it’s gotten me thru these weeks and so if you’ve read my whole blog or if you’ve just skimmed, rolled your eyes and came to this...
do bother watching just this xD..
Luv to all xD
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
If not to offer answers, to let you know you’re not alone…
Aaah a new school year... a new beginning...everything still smells so fresh...but before i go on..i just need to rant for the last time about how i ended up at JC and perhaps why i did...
You may all be thinking Bet's taking too long to get over this..but i guess healing takes time..so a few weeks ago when i was still pouring out my heart to God about this issue i wrote this whilst staring blankly into the night out of my study's window...
I was cheated on, God do You know i was betrayed?
I was cheated on; I was betrayed.
I got less than what i deserved;
did You know God that i failed in the eyes of the world?
I got less than what I deserved;
I failed in the eyes of the world.
If there's hope I can't see it now; is there something better?
There's hope but I can't see it now;
there will be something better.
In case anyone didn't realise..the bold..was God's reply!...How funny it is that we don't realise that God felt the same way we did too! And how much funnier it is that we expect not to suffer at all but we shrug at the fact that God suffered for us...as though He was meant to..or it was His problem.
I don't wish to ramble on forever *xD*...but a few days after i wrote this i read this in a book...
"I didn't want to think of myself - much less be introduced - as a bus driver! It became another work of God in my life, to show me that I'm no less important to Him whether I'm driving the bus, cleaning it or talking about it." NOBODY's CHILD
the book was about a guy who started a bus ministry...which basically went around to like cities and hangs out with homeless kids who were like the criminals of the city...and the guy talking here reminded me of myself...
Maybe at first i didnt want to think of myself as a JC student..*lol i laugh at myself now coz its so great at school xD*...but then God reassured me I guess through this book that wherever I may be I'm no less important to God or to any of my close friends for that matter... So knowing that i was able to swallow my pride and enthusiastically approach my first weeks of school at JC wooo! glee xD
And i wish that in a few months time i can say...
"Now I want you to know, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel." Phil 1:12....
So if ur thinking God's gettin some plans slightly messed up..i guess my moral of the day is to wait and see what he actually has in store xD...and trust when it might be hardest..and when it might hurt and be unfomortable...
"My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely Christ, in whom are hidden all treasures of wisdom and knowledge." Colossians 2:2-3
So that’s my mission…I’m being sent out to encourage and love and show people who God is and that He has the treasures they need…even if results are not instant...I will persevere! Buuuut…xD…a couple of days before schoooollll xD:
I come to You day after day…to spend time with my creator
Who is all I need to be happy and at peace for eternity.
More often than not I seem to be talking to myself…
Or perhaps a piece of paper…
But I trust that the King of the Universe
Knows my name and listens to my every prayer!...
You know how sometimes a mother must stay quiet and do nothing to comfort a child but still teach him a lesson? I think You’re looking at me longing to embrace me and comfort me but You know that holding back the feeling and warmth of your presence for now is what’s best for me to learn some valuable trust lessons!...
“But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind
And straining toward what is ahead,
I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ jesus.” Phil.3:13-14
So you see all I’m trying to let you all know is that sometimes it’s normal to feel like a warrior for one week and like a wimp the next! xD As long as you keep persevering I believe God looks at our hearts and not at our instant results and so he’ll be glad you came back to Him for more strength after a week of feeling wimpy xD! These are a couple of my weaker days….
I’m lost and sinking and wondering if maybe
I should be selfish and shout out and cling to
What I want for once..
I’m engulfed by the world’s opinions;
People’s screaming criticism take over my thoughts
And begin to mold them into their own morals and values…
And here I am desperately yelling at the top of my lungs
But You’re the only one hearing me…
As the world keeps spinning and nobody’s life changes…
No ear stops to bend down and listen to my plea..
My throat is parched as I shout at the world
For not understanding me, as I try to make my voice heard!
But I’m still helpless…everything I rely on just fails…
At the flick of a finger and I’m left
Looking for my only answer…My God!
I want to run to my bed and kick my feet like a protesting baby saying
“NO! I don’t want to go!”
I want to run through a field and jump into Your arms like a woman that’s in love saying
“YES I want to stay here forever!”
To step out of my comfort zone and move far away from it
So I cannot get back to it
When I am most vulnerable!
I’m searching for an answer; a solution to a problem
I know You’ve solved…
But I don’t even have a question…
Just a brain that’s wandering…
Needing to try new things and determine
What the call is for my life…
Fortunately, I get Your help…
Help me accept the wait.
I know nobody will understand me…coz I cant understand my own frustration! Why do I feel the need to b understood? To be known and wanted? I’m not meant to be like the empty black I see in the sky before me…I’m made for relationships…wired to love. Again, I have an answer…so did I ask the wrong question or is the only step left for me to understand and believe what I already know?
So ye...I’m gna end here with one more poem sort of thing..Blessings to all you people and excuse the no direction of this blog…I guess it was more like me typing out my latest thoughts to you all…maybe not to offer answers to anything but to let you know you’re not alone in your confusion and questioning…
I’m still screaming but no ones budging; unaffected;
Am I the sensitive one?
I’m still running up and down but getting nowhere;
Frustration ties me down.
I’m tangled in a mess of thoughts; helplessnesss;
I will endure and keep on.
I’m still struggling Lord but You promised to
Comfort me once again.
I’m fighting to get loose but they keep pulling; pushing;
Breaking; tugging.
I’m slowly collapsing; too much weight
You carried all this already.
When I do not understand why
And I can’t get myself to cry
When my shame has nowhere to hide
‘nd I’ve given up keeping my pride
When confusion goes through my head…
And your word is what keeps me fed…
When sulking doesn’t seem to work…
I’ll get rid of these thoughts that lurk.
Just to let you all know at the live-in I got all this off my back..*I might expand another time but basically*..on Friday I forgave and emptied all the bad thoughts in me which left no room for God to fill…on Saturday I took off my straight jacket and struggled out of the bonds that were keeping me back.. I was freed from baggage and reassured….and on Sunday I learnt that I wont break..coz God’s carefully, gently holding me and His plan for me is good!! I will follow it through no matter what…even if that means going to JC =P xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
You may all be thinking Bet's taking too long to get over this..but i guess healing takes time..so a few weeks ago when i was still pouring out my heart to God about this issue i wrote this whilst staring blankly into the night out of my study's window...
I was cheated on, God do You know i was betrayed?
I was cheated on; I was betrayed.
I got less than what i deserved;
did You know God that i failed in the eyes of the world?
I got less than what I deserved;
I failed in the eyes of the world.
If there's hope I can't see it now; is there something better?
There's hope but I can't see it now;
there will be something better.
In case anyone didn't realise..the bold..was God's reply!...How funny it is that we don't realise that God felt the same way we did too! And how much funnier it is that we expect not to suffer at all but we shrug at the fact that God suffered for us...as though He was meant to..or it was His problem.
I don't wish to ramble on forever *xD*...but a few days after i wrote this i read this in a book...
"I didn't want to think of myself - much less be introduced - as a bus driver! It became another work of God in my life, to show me that I'm no less important to Him whether I'm driving the bus, cleaning it or talking about it." NOBODY's CHILD
the book was about a guy who started a bus ministry...which basically went around to like cities and hangs out with homeless kids who were like the criminals of the city...and the guy talking here reminded me of myself...
Maybe at first i didnt want to think of myself as a JC student..*lol i laugh at myself now coz its so great at school xD*...but then God reassured me I guess through this book that wherever I may be I'm no less important to God or to any of my close friends for that matter... So knowing that i was able to swallow my pride and enthusiastically approach my first weeks of school at JC wooo! glee xD
And i wish that in a few months time i can say...
"Now I want you to know, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel." Phil 1:12....
So if ur thinking God's gettin some plans slightly messed up..i guess my moral of the day is to wait and see what he actually has in store xD...and trust when it might be hardest..and when it might hurt and be unfomortable...
"My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely Christ, in whom are hidden all treasures of wisdom and knowledge." Colossians 2:2-3
So that’s my mission…I’m being sent out to encourage and love and show people who God is and that He has the treasures they need…even if results are not instant...I will persevere! Buuuut…xD…a couple of days before schoooollll xD:
I come to You day after day…to spend time with my creator
Who is all I need to be happy and at peace for eternity.
More often than not I seem to be talking to myself…
Or perhaps a piece of paper…
But I trust that the King of the Universe
Knows my name and listens to my every prayer!...
You know how sometimes a mother must stay quiet and do nothing to comfort a child but still teach him a lesson? I think You’re looking at me longing to embrace me and comfort me but You know that holding back the feeling and warmth of your presence for now is what’s best for me to learn some valuable trust lessons!...
“But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind
And straining toward what is ahead,
I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ jesus.” Phil.3:13-14
So you see all I’m trying to let you all know is that sometimes it’s normal to feel like a warrior for one week and like a wimp the next! xD As long as you keep persevering I believe God looks at our hearts and not at our instant results and so he’ll be glad you came back to Him for more strength after a week of feeling wimpy xD! These are a couple of my weaker days….
I’m lost and sinking and wondering if maybe
I should be selfish and shout out and cling to
What I want for once..
I’m engulfed by the world’s opinions;
People’s screaming criticism take over my thoughts
And begin to mold them into their own morals and values…
And here I am desperately yelling at the top of my lungs
But You’re the only one hearing me…
As the world keeps spinning and nobody’s life changes…
No ear stops to bend down and listen to my plea..
My throat is parched as I shout at the world
For not understanding me, as I try to make my voice heard!
But I’m still helpless…everything I rely on just fails…
At the flick of a finger and I’m left
Looking for my only answer…My God!
I want to run to my bed and kick my feet like a protesting baby saying
“NO! I don’t want to go!”
I want to run through a field and jump into Your arms like a woman that’s in love saying
“YES I want to stay here forever!”
To step out of my comfort zone and move far away from it
So I cannot get back to it
When I am most vulnerable!
I’m searching for an answer; a solution to a problem
I know You’ve solved…
But I don’t even have a question…
Just a brain that’s wandering…
Needing to try new things and determine
What the call is for my life…
Fortunately, I get Your help…
Help me accept the wait.
I know nobody will understand me…coz I cant understand my own frustration! Why do I feel the need to b understood? To be known and wanted? I’m not meant to be like the empty black I see in the sky before me…I’m made for relationships…wired to love. Again, I have an answer…so did I ask the wrong question or is the only step left for me to understand and believe what I already know?
So ye...I’m gna end here with one more poem sort of thing..Blessings to all you people and excuse the no direction of this blog…I guess it was more like me typing out my latest thoughts to you all…maybe not to offer answers to anything but to let you know you’re not alone in your confusion and questioning…
I’m still screaming but no ones budging; unaffected;
Am I the sensitive one?
I’m still running up and down but getting nowhere;
Frustration ties me down.
I’m tangled in a mess of thoughts; helplessnesss;
I will endure and keep on.
I’m still struggling Lord but You promised to
Comfort me once again.
I’m fighting to get loose but they keep pulling; pushing;
Breaking; tugging.
I’m slowly collapsing; too much weight
You carried all this already.
When I do not understand why
And I can’t get myself to cry
When my shame has nowhere to hide
‘nd I’ve given up keeping my pride
When confusion goes through my head…
And your word is what keeps me fed…
When sulking doesn’t seem to work…
I’ll get rid of these thoughts that lurk.
Just to let you all know at the live-in I got all this off my back..*I might expand another time but basically*..on Friday I forgave and emptied all the bad thoughts in me which left no room for God to fill…on Saturday I took off my straight jacket and struggled out of the bonds that were keeping me back.. I was freed from baggage and reassured….and on Sunday I learnt that I wont break..coz God’s carefully, gently holding me and His plan for me is good!! I will follow it through no matter what…even if that means going to JC =P xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sunday, September 14, 2008
If I can love those that are hurting me...
I guess there's a lot i hav to catch up on...
I should probably start by letting u all know i didnt get into st.aloysious for like 1 point ptx..and i got a phonecall from drea dat morning and she told me basically im on the waiting list...and i was like =O nooo... my life is ruinnedd!!
*dramaaa*....(it was so dramatic not coz im so pro sac and anti jc..but coz i had been lazy and not bothered applying at jc assuming id be in for sure)...
and basically that morning i was totally in shock becoz life was so unfair...after i had done all my work...guys with much less points than me get my place...it just didnt seem right..but i had to digest it..
so whilst i was crying dat morning..i decided to talk to God since i had no1 else to go to coz i was alone at home...and also becoz i was readin a book called God on mute....and God rly seemed to be on mute or at least just taking my life on a completely different road than i had expected..
[b4 i go on.. i want to point out dat like..i wasnt alone coz my friends were like amasing dat morning..all being very supportive and stuff xD..soo a big thank u to everyone i spoke to dat day dat was rly helpful! but still dey coudlnt give wat God did...xD]
So this is what my conversation with God was like that morning:
"Happy are those whose greatest desire is to do
what God requires;
God will satisfy them fully." Matt.5:6
Somehow i have a peace that you're near..
I pray that you use my life even if it means surrendering
and leaving everything behind!
Im confused but I'm excited
coz i know you thought of all of this..
and somehow you thought this is what would give you the most glory!
And you knew this would satisfy me!
Yet i feel like a small, scared, timid creature..
not daring to show its face and to let the world know
i wish i didnt fail...
It's funny though.. how i alrady feel so much closer to You Lord...
I know im close to Your heart and i can feel Your embrace!
"Clap your hands all you nations; shout to God with cries of joy.
How awesome is the Lord Most High, the great King overall the earth.
Sing praises to God, sing praises."Ps.47:1-2
I've gotta keep singing, i've got to keep praising Your name
That's the only way that i'll find healing!
Can i climb up in your lap; i dont want to leave
Jesus sing over me; You're all i need!
lord i pray to you in songs, coz my heart is not sure how to say much more!
(Your love makes me forget what i have been,...it makes me see who i really am...I need You to Love me!)
*that was a tad bit long..but basically thats how i was feeling...and it rly did help me learn to praise thru everything..even things i dnt understand coz dats d only way to get thru these things..and also becoz God remains who He is no matter what our circumstances are..so he still deserves to be praised whether things are going our way or not! xD*
Moving on...a few months ago i got all pissy at my dgroup..coz sum stuff they had said had disturbed me..and so i wrote a sorta poem to them which im going to share now...its sorta about how Christianity is actually somehting quite hard..what with persecutions and all..and sometimes we imagine it to be all candycoated like evrything else in this world..but it isnt...*my dgroup knows how much i love them and how i wrote this poem thingy in love and not in an angry way so i hope u all understand it in this way too*
What are you people?
Ur like trampolines! Up..down.. Any consistency anywhere?!
Christianity is all a bunch of lies you say..
It shows how you’ve totally misunderstood it..
Who ever said it was about fun and games and fuzzy feelings…
You’ve got it all wrong…
Sure that’s the attitude Jesus had in the Garden of Olives..
When he was bleeding sweat with anxiety…
Sure, He told His Father, “is this what Christianity is all about?!”…
“there’s nothing good about this feeling!..
where are you?..must I do all this…
For a bunch of ungrateful people?”
The fact is He did.. The fact is God is God…
No matter who you are and what you’re doing or going through
Who he is doesn’t change..
And that’s why we need Him…
and the least He deserves is us…
So all these misconceptions of what Christianity is..
They really pissed me off.. Haven’t you learned anything?...
Haven’t you realized that not one human in the bible had it easy…
Haven’t you ever wondered or thought before going on this quest..
That it is hard…
but it wont be easier as a non-Christian…
That it involves sacrifice… I mean…Daniel… was thrown in the lions den..
“is this what following God is about?” I can hear him say…
“I’m going to be ripped into smithereens and made fun of”…
And to be quite frank every other Bible person…
Could have had this attitude that we have…
But the point is life’s not about us..
Christianity is not about us…
The point is…It’s about God…
And we’re just lucky that he cares about us…
The point is we’re all going to die…
And then what will happen?...
Will we go to hell and ask God why the puffy feelings are gone?
How can we question things we’ve experienced…
If I’ve felt god’s love…and I know…
not just feel That God loves me and that I need Him…
How can rough times cause us to doubt so much..
And to put ourselves and our King down so much?
He cares where we spend eternity..
And wants us to enjoy life…
Which is why he created simple pleasures like dancing, friends and family…
That the devil is constantly trying to remove and hide… Coz he hates us!
“Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him most.” C.S. Lewis
Does commitment and sacrifice and suffering
come into this Christianity picture of yours?
Or is it just about miracles and comfort…
When will we get our hands dirty..
And stop focusing on our selves…
Yet take the time to stop and think about our future…
Our lives… and all we need to be to fulfill our calling
And don’t get me wrong… I am totally disgusted at your attitudes…
But I totally pity you for this misconception you’ve lived with…
For so long…
We’ll never truly understand who God is…
Which is why I think we really need to praise God…
For who He is… And not for who we think He is.
What God has given us in our lives…
Our gifts, friends and families…
Our His not ours…
And this totally takes off any pressure or burden…
My brains aren’t mine… They’re God’s…
so however I do in my O’ levels
I know He’ll be pleased because he’s seen how I’ve tried…
If I write a song or dance a dance…
They’re God’s gifts…
which I am simply giving back to Him…
Everything’s His and He is in control…
While we just float about and drift through days which feel useless..
He’s watching over..
And I’m not feeling that either…
But I know… because I guess God has given me the grace to know…
That He is there…
and I know what He’s got me through
Even if it means weeks or years of silence on His end …
in the end He always has seen me through..
And I trust that these next weeks…
which will be some of the hardest weeks of our lives…
Are His to use… and His to live…
and I’m praying for you all guys and I love you all!
You see i posted this..coz i guess i needed to hear these words i had once written again... i needed to be reminded dat it is going to be hard being a christian..but it is worth it!...
Tonight when i started praying i was bitter about the things going on in life atm...but God took that away this evening...I'm a new person who has just learnt a lesson or 2!...and if neones still reading this or not im gna go on and explain them a little coz i need to get these thoughts down.
1."Am i now trying to win the approval of men or of God? Or am i trying to please men? If i were still trying to please men i would not be a servant of Christ." Gal 1:10
There's nothing i can do that will please everyone...so the only person i'm living to please is Christ coz only he truly wants the best for me.
2.Even if i may be confused about why things happen : I Will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed. Ps 57
To put things in an achie way xD ->
Refuge: a state of safety; the condition of being protected agasint physical, social, spiritual damage.
wow..isnt it great how we can be safe in the shadow of God's wing?? until disaster has passed and we can get on with life normally again??...
3. " My heart if steadfast O God; my heart is steadfast.
I will sing and make music." Ps 57:7
Steadfast: fixed in direction; steadily directed; firm in purpose; unwavering
thats how i want to be!...unwavering in my faith! Being hot or cold but never lukewarm!! being the real me, steadily directed, no matter where i am or what time of day it is!!
4. I can do all things through christ that strengthens me...even love those that are hurting me!
So i guess since im not promising another blog anytime soon this should keep you all busy for sometime xD...Luv ya all ..Blessings...
xD my mum just walked in on me half asleep telling me to "Go to bed!!" xD..wooopss..see what blogs make u do?...type out ur thoughts till 1am! lol
I should probably start by letting u all know i didnt get into st.aloysious for like 1 point ptx..and i got a phonecall from drea dat morning and she told me basically im on the waiting list...and i was like =O nooo... my life is ruinnedd!!
*dramaaa*....(it was so dramatic not coz im so pro sac and anti jc..but coz i had been lazy and not bothered applying at jc assuming id be in for sure)...
and basically that morning i was totally in shock becoz life was so unfair...after i had done all my work...guys with much less points than me get my place...it just didnt seem right..but i had to digest it..
so whilst i was crying dat morning..i decided to talk to God since i had no1 else to go to coz i was alone at home...and also becoz i was readin a book called God on mute....and God rly seemed to be on mute or at least just taking my life on a completely different road than i had expected..
[b4 i go on.. i want to point out dat like..i wasnt alone coz my friends were like amasing dat morning..all being very supportive and stuff xD..soo a big thank u to everyone i spoke to dat day dat was rly helpful! but still dey coudlnt give wat God did...xD]
So this is what my conversation with God was like that morning:
"Happy are those whose greatest desire is to do
what God requires;
God will satisfy them fully." Matt.5:6
Somehow i have a peace that you're near..
I pray that you use my life even if it means surrendering
and leaving everything behind!
Im confused but I'm excited
coz i know you thought of all of this..
and somehow you thought this is what would give you the most glory!
And you knew this would satisfy me!
Yet i feel like a small, scared, timid creature..
not daring to show its face and to let the world know
i wish i didnt fail...
It's funny though.. how i alrady feel so much closer to You Lord...
I know im close to Your heart and i can feel Your embrace!
"Clap your hands all you nations; shout to God with cries of joy.
How awesome is the Lord Most High, the great King overall the earth.
Sing praises to God, sing praises."Ps.47:1-2
I've gotta keep singing, i've got to keep praising Your name
That's the only way that i'll find healing!
Can i climb up in your lap; i dont want to leave
Jesus sing over me; You're all i need!
lord i pray to you in songs, coz my heart is not sure how to say much more!
(Your love makes me forget what i have been,...it makes me see who i really am...I need You to Love me!)
*that was a tad bit long..but basically thats how i was feeling...and it rly did help me learn to praise thru everything..even things i dnt understand coz dats d only way to get thru these things..and also becoz God remains who He is no matter what our circumstances are..so he still deserves to be praised whether things are going our way or not! xD*
Moving on...a few months ago i got all pissy at my dgroup..coz sum stuff they had said had disturbed me..and so i wrote a sorta poem to them which im going to share now...its sorta about how Christianity is actually somehting quite hard..what with persecutions and all..and sometimes we imagine it to be all candycoated like evrything else in this world..but it isnt...*my dgroup knows how much i love them and how i wrote this poem thingy in love and not in an angry way so i hope u all understand it in this way too*
What are you people?
Ur like trampolines! Up..down.. Any consistency anywhere?!
Christianity is all a bunch of lies you say..
It shows how you’ve totally misunderstood it..
Who ever said it was about fun and games and fuzzy feelings…
You’ve got it all wrong…
Sure that’s the attitude Jesus had in the Garden of Olives..
When he was bleeding sweat with anxiety…
Sure, He told His Father, “is this what Christianity is all about?!”…
“there’s nothing good about this feeling!..
where are you?..must I do all this…
For a bunch of ungrateful people?”
The fact is He did.. The fact is God is God…
No matter who you are and what you’re doing or going through
Who he is doesn’t change..
And that’s why we need Him…
and the least He deserves is us…
So all these misconceptions of what Christianity is..
They really pissed me off.. Haven’t you learned anything?...
Haven’t you realized that not one human in the bible had it easy…
Haven’t you ever wondered or thought before going on this quest..
That it is hard…
but it wont be easier as a non-Christian…
That it involves sacrifice… I mean…Daniel… was thrown in the lions den..
“is this what following God is about?” I can hear him say…
“I’m going to be ripped into smithereens and made fun of”…
And to be quite frank every other Bible person…
Could have had this attitude that we have…
But the point is life’s not about us..
Christianity is not about us…
The point is…It’s about God…
And we’re just lucky that he cares about us…
The point is we’re all going to die…
And then what will happen?...
Will we go to hell and ask God why the puffy feelings are gone?
How can we question things we’ve experienced…
If I’ve felt god’s love…and I know…
not just feel That God loves me and that I need Him…
How can rough times cause us to doubt so much..
And to put ourselves and our King down so much?
He cares where we spend eternity..
And wants us to enjoy life…
Which is why he created simple pleasures like dancing, friends and family…
That the devil is constantly trying to remove and hide… Coz he hates us!
“Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him most.” C.S. Lewis
Does commitment and sacrifice and suffering
come into this Christianity picture of yours?
Or is it just about miracles and comfort…
When will we get our hands dirty..
And stop focusing on our selves…
Yet take the time to stop and think about our future…
Our lives… and all we need to be to fulfill our calling
And don’t get me wrong… I am totally disgusted at your attitudes…
But I totally pity you for this misconception you’ve lived with…
For so long…
We’ll never truly understand who God is…
Which is why I think we really need to praise God…
For who He is… And not for who we think He is.
What God has given us in our lives…
Our gifts, friends and families…
Our His not ours…
And this totally takes off any pressure or burden…
My brains aren’t mine… They’re God’s…
so however I do in my O’ levels
I know He’ll be pleased because he’s seen how I’ve tried…
If I write a song or dance a dance…
They’re God’s gifts…
which I am simply giving back to Him…
Everything’s His and He is in control…
While we just float about and drift through days which feel useless..
He’s watching over..
And I’m not feeling that either…
But I know… because I guess God has given me the grace to know…
That He is there…
and I know what He’s got me through
Even if it means weeks or years of silence on His end …
in the end He always has seen me through..
And I trust that these next weeks…
which will be some of the hardest weeks of our lives…
Are His to use… and His to live…
and I’m praying for you all guys and I love you all!
You see i posted this..coz i guess i needed to hear these words i had once written again... i needed to be reminded dat it is going to be hard being a christian..but it is worth it!...
Tonight when i started praying i was bitter about the things going on in life atm...but God took that away this evening...I'm a new person who has just learnt a lesson or 2!...and if neones still reading this or not im gna go on and explain them a little coz i need to get these thoughts down.
1."Am i now trying to win the approval of men or of God? Or am i trying to please men? If i were still trying to please men i would not be a servant of Christ." Gal 1:10
There's nothing i can do that will please everyone...so the only person i'm living to please is Christ coz only he truly wants the best for me.
2.Even if i may be confused about why things happen : I Will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed. Ps 57
To put things in an achie way xD ->
Refuge: a state of safety; the condition of being protected agasint physical, social, spiritual damage.
wow..isnt it great how we can be safe in the shadow of God's wing?? until disaster has passed and we can get on with life normally again??...
3. " My heart if steadfast O God; my heart is steadfast.
I will sing and make music." Ps 57:7
Steadfast: fixed in direction; steadily directed; firm in purpose; unwavering
thats how i want to be!...unwavering in my faith! Being hot or cold but never lukewarm!! being the real me, steadily directed, no matter where i am or what time of day it is!!
4. I can do all things through christ that strengthens me...even love those that are hurting me!
So i guess since im not promising another blog anytime soon this should keep you all busy for sometime xD...Luv ya all ..Blessings...
xD my mum just walked in on me half asleep telling me to "Go to bed!!" xD..wooopss..see what blogs make u do?...type out ur thoughts till 1am! lol
Sunday, August 24, 2008
if plane rides where all as meaningful...
A dream last night reminded me of my blog and since i finally hav some time to spare amidst band rehearsals and going to the studio...i decided to update you all xD
So u probably all know we just came back from Soul survivor, the christian camp in england...and obviously i learnt so many things that i'll never end if i start telling you everything...so i just wanted to just let you all in on a couple of my thoughts related to the book i bought from there called "Shackles".
basically it's a biography of a woman who was abused by her dad who was an alcoholic and her mother who was very controlling and everntually by her husband who turned out to be exactly like her dad and then by her partner later on...and basically it broke my heart readin about women and children who are beaten and also verbally abused daily...whilst we live our lives and do nothing about it, letting them suffer in the shadows.
these lines really touched me and my personal life however:
"I believe it is a common survival technique that humans adopt; whenever we are hurting but have no permission to deal with our emotions we hide them underneath layers of tight covers, like the skin of an onion. It takes much time, love and patience to peel them away."
How true is that? how many of us have stopped crying infront of people becuase so many times we have been told to stop cyring and get a hold of ourselves...or to stop being babies..or something just as lame for that matter??...
the point im making is we are humans and do actually have to deal with our emotions... again...im not saying we should just mope in a sea of tears day after day without looking for solutions but neither should we hide them all the time to try be strong for someone else for example.
*hmm might have confused u all xD*
when i read that paragraph of my book i was on the plane and couldnt resist getting out my filepaper and journaling a bit...:
Thinking back I've realised
that on this trip God's taken
another layer of hurts, guilt and masks
away with Him..
and left me a free-er person.
Lke an onion, another layer of skin was removed!
So that now the real me..
the person under the layer of peel..
can be released.
Maybe there are more that have to be removed..
but i'm grateful
that i'm closer to being
the 'me' i was made to be.
it's like i knew all along
what You had planned for me
But i chose to do things
in a way that suited my pride.
little did i know that the more layers
i put on, the more layers
i'd have to take off..
thank you for having all the time in the world
all the love i'll ever need and
enough patience to see me through time and time again!
I could blab on forever but for once i'm agreeing that maybe if i write less this one point will be brought out more xD... Anyway..this wednesday we have a gig at the westin and i'm really looking forward to that..aaaand we started recording for our next [hopefully] album! =) I tried to film our rehearsals..coz there hilarious hours with sam, paul nd ivan and occasionaly mark, ben and steve xD where we write songs and practise written ones! but my camera broke!! so very sorry!
i'm gna leave u wit the end quote of the book i spoke about and my latest song which is a tad bit on the "sopy"-side.. xD but is a real cry from the bottom of my heart!
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. it is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. there is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people wont feel insecure around you. we are all meant to shine as children do. it's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. and as we let our lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to the same. as we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
Lord this heart knows no other
This soul wont be satisfied.
These cracks slowly filled
Your light shining through
Take every thought, every word
make everything yours!
Humble me, break me
so my life can give glory toYou!
You broke your heart
so mine wont have to break.
You gave your life so
i can live eternally!
Take every thought, every word
make everything yours!
Humble me, break me
so my life can give glory toYou!
even through the brokennes
Even when the sun is shining bright
even if i need to scream
My song will remain..
that i love you, i love you
My one and only.
Take every thought, every word
make everything yours!
Humble me, break me
so my life can give glory toYou!
Blessings xD
xxxxxxxxx
So u probably all know we just came back from Soul survivor, the christian camp in england...and obviously i learnt so many things that i'll never end if i start telling you everything...so i just wanted to just let you all in on a couple of my thoughts related to the book i bought from there called "Shackles".
basically it's a biography of a woman who was abused by her dad who was an alcoholic and her mother who was very controlling and everntually by her husband who turned out to be exactly like her dad and then by her partner later on...and basically it broke my heart readin about women and children who are beaten and also verbally abused daily...whilst we live our lives and do nothing about it, letting them suffer in the shadows.
these lines really touched me and my personal life however:
"I believe it is a common survival technique that humans adopt; whenever we are hurting but have no permission to deal with our emotions we hide them underneath layers of tight covers, like the skin of an onion. It takes much time, love and patience to peel them away."
How true is that? how many of us have stopped crying infront of people becuase so many times we have been told to stop cyring and get a hold of ourselves...or to stop being babies..or something just as lame for that matter??...
the point im making is we are humans and do actually have to deal with our emotions... again...im not saying we should just mope in a sea of tears day after day without looking for solutions but neither should we hide them all the time to try be strong for someone else for example.
*hmm might have confused u all xD*
when i read that paragraph of my book i was on the plane and couldnt resist getting out my filepaper and journaling a bit...:
Thinking back I've realised
that on this trip God's taken
another layer of hurts, guilt and masks
away with Him..
and left me a free-er person.
Lke an onion, another layer of skin was removed!
So that now the real me..
the person under the layer of peel..
can be released.
Maybe there are more that have to be removed..
but i'm grateful
that i'm closer to being
the 'me' i was made to be.
it's like i knew all along
what You had planned for me
But i chose to do things
in a way that suited my pride.
little did i know that the more layers
i put on, the more layers
i'd have to take off..
thank you for having all the time in the world
all the love i'll ever need and
enough patience to see me through time and time again!
I could blab on forever but for once i'm agreeing that maybe if i write less this one point will be brought out more xD... Anyway..this wednesday we have a gig at the westin and i'm really looking forward to that..aaaand we started recording for our next [hopefully] album! =) I tried to film our rehearsals..coz there hilarious hours with sam, paul nd ivan and occasionaly mark, ben and steve xD where we write songs and practise written ones! but my camera broke!! so very sorry!
i'm gna leave u wit the end quote of the book i spoke about and my latest song which is a tad bit on the "sopy"-side.. xD but is a real cry from the bottom of my heart!
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. it is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. there is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people wont feel insecure around you. we are all meant to shine as children do. it's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. and as we let our lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to the same. as we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
Lord this heart knows no other
This soul wont be satisfied.
These cracks slowly filled
Your light shining through
Take every thought, every word
make everything yours!
Humble me, break me
so my life can give glory toYou!
You broke your heart
so mine wont have to break.
You gave your life so
i can live eternally!
Take every thought, every word
make everything yours!
Humble me, break me
so my life can give glory toYou!
even through the brokennes
Even when the sun is shining bright
even if i need to scream
My song will remain..
that i love you, i love you
My one and only.
Take every thought, every word
make everything yours!
Humble me, break me
so my life can give glory toYou!
Blessings xD
xxxxxxxxx
Sunday, August 10, 2008
if i had some more time i would blog properly..
soooo xD havent updated u all in agess...firstly becoz of all the hype of our trip to england to Soul Survivor..which is precisely 7 hours away xD aaaa haha so lemme just update some quick details b4 i go to bed!
i hav been driven absolutely mad by family packing and stressing lol *but i wuv dem* =P
illalllu ballu infact i dont hav 5 mins to update u on my thoughts coz i hav just been given 101 jobs to do...grrr these pre-big events days at home are one day gna drive me up d wall..
Blessingss Malta..off to England
Will miss u and pray for u
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xD
i hav been driven absolutely mad by family packing and stressing lol *but i wuv dem* =P
illalllu ballu infact i dont hav 5 mins to update u on my thoughts coz i hav just been given 101 jobs to do...grrr these pre-big events days at home are one day gna drive me up d wall..
Blessingss Malta..off to England
Will miss u and pray for u
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xD
Monday, July 28, 2008
If a day could have a little more time... i might learn this lesson once and for all!
So lets get straight to my latest thoughts that have been developing throughout these past few days during the dance course, and the rest of my busy days juggling y4j activities and band rehearsals xD
I'm not quite sure how to put these thoughts to words without sounding pointless xD
You see..i'm the type of person who always tries to do things alone...and not ask for help...and to try [and keep trying] till i succeed, always thinking i can do this [or could have done this] better!
For example something as stupid as PCs...when i was young i would go and spend time experimenting with stuff on the PC...and den phil would come along a couple of years later and rather than trying every little thing herself and failing and trying again until she manages..she would ask me for help xD and i would gladly help her feelin proud dat i can help...
and typing this out seems really pointless but lately i realised dat since i sorta brought myself up that way..its now effecting my God-life xD...in the sense that I always want to do stuf for god but my way...and if sometimes God asks me to do stuff i'm never pleased with its standard so to speak....and i always approach god with a similar prayer like:
"i'm sorry i could have done it better but didnt"
and what i think God has been trying to tell me for the past i'm-not-sure-how-long... is that He's pleased with the way i'm doin stuff..and although he does have high standards He isn't "unpleaseable!"...so what's really hard to digest is that tonight at y4j all i kept hearin God tell me is that he's happy with who i am...he loves me and thinks i am his good and faithful servant...and although the good i sometimes do may go unnoticed by people..he sees it all...
and he isnt like us... he doesnt focus on the bad..nor is he pleased with it however...but the point is..He is pleased with me and wants me to digest the fact that He wants to love me!!!!
and i think what i really want to let you all know today is that....even though so many times people complain to do things for u...or seem to be "loving you" out of duty..God wants to love us! and He needs us to allow Him to do that!...
i couldn't [and still find it hard to] swallow that JEsus WANTS to love me.. like he wants to ta.. he doesnt moan wen he does sumting for me like my parents might... or tells me to come bak later coz he doesnt hav time wen i need sum1 to talk to.. he just wants to luv me 24/7!! nd.. u knw i just cant.. deal with it in a way.. its hard to sink in... like why God do u want to luv me?.. nd i knw God loves me and ive been knwing for like forever.. but lately.... i feel unworthy of it.. nd at every adoration and praise and mass etcetc..these thoughts bring me to tears.. and i get flashbacks of all d times ive been rejected and told "i dont hav time for u"
Last Soul Survivor... d only time i cried der was coz of this reason.. nd one time d enabling team lady told me.. "wats God telling u?".....nd i was just wobblin with my eyes closed u knw? (xD)... nd like..i said aloud.. he's telling me..he wants to luv me.. nd at that moment i burst into tears!!
So if you're thinking no1 has time for you..*brace urself for the true cliche' phrase*...God does..and not only does he have time for you but he WANTS to love you!...and i think u'll probably end up realising you want to love Him back with everything you do just as I realised but I'll let you come to that conclusion all by yourself...xD
To carry on with the "no time for antying" theme xD i'll go on just a tad bit longer about my present stresses of juggling piano, dancing, y4j, band, family, friends, future school and subjects etc... xD sometimes it all seems like too much..and i'd wish God would have given me one talent coz dat way i wont have to juggle anything i'd just focus my stength on that..but i think that he blessed me with more talents to do more for him... and so i take that as a responsibility..and i want to do everything the best way i can..which is why i end up feelin slightly stressed... coz although i know dat if God wants me to do something he'll give me the strngth to do it..its usually easier said than done..xD...so i meekly try to cast my burdens onto God believing He can give me a chilled heart..
this brings me to another mobile-poem i wrote lately...xD
first one on the new phone pls note xD
I'm being stretched out too thin..
things pullin me from all directions..
control slipping out of my fingers..
friendships;gifts left unworked on..
i cant keep myself together anymore..
how can you hold the universe in your hands?
all its problems, tragedies and mess-ups?
can it rly be you'll use my helplessness for your glory?
i'l stay here
broken; abondoning myself in your love..
In your embrace!
So although life may attempt stretching you in every direction... find out God's dream for you..set a goal and reach it..and be either hot or cold...be totally for something..or totally against it...let God be the one you fall back on when your plans don't really work out perfectly and let Him use every little part of you to the full...xD
*mini sermon ended*
The family calls me to bed since its late..but i felt like blogging glee xD..lemme read if wat i wrote makes sense and i will leave you all..
Blessings
xxxxxxxxx
I'm not quite sure how to put these thoughts to words without sounding pointless xD
You see..i'm the type of person who always tries to do things alone...and not ask for help...and to try [and keep trying] till i succeed, always thinking i can do this [or could have done this] better!
For example something as stupid as PCs...when i was young i would go and spend time experimenting with stuff on the PC...and den phil would come along a couple of years later and rather than trying every little thing herself and failing and trying again until she manages..she would ask me for help xD and i would gladly help her feelin proud dat i can help...
and typing this out seems really pointless but lately i realised dat since i sorta brought myself up that way..its now effecting my God-life xD...in the sense that I always want to do stuf for god but my way...and if sometimes God asks me to do stuff i'm never pleased with its standard so to speak....and i always approach god with a similar prayer like:
"i'm sorry i could have done it better but didnt"
and what i think God has been trying to tell me for the past i'm-not-sure-how-long... is that He's pleased with the way i'm doin stuff..and although he does have high standards He isn't "unpleaseable!"...so what's really hard to digest is that tonight at y4j all i kept hearin God tell me is that he's happy with who i am...he loves me and thinks i am his good and faithful servant...and although the good i sometimes do may go unnoticed by people..he sees it all...
and he isnt like us... he doesnt focus on the bad..nor is he pleased with it however...but the point is..He is pleased with me and wants me to digest the fact that He wants to love me!!!!
and i think what i really want to let you all know today is that....even though so many times people complain to do things for u...or seem to be "loving you" out of duty..God wants to love us! and He needs us to allow Him to do that!...
i couldn't [and still find it hard to] swallow that JEsus WANTS to love me.. like he wants to ta.. he doesnt moan wen he does sumting for me like my parents might... or tells me to come bak later coz he doesnt hav time wen i need sum1 to talk to.. he just wants to luv me 24/7!! nd.. u knw i just cant.. deal with it in a way.. its hard to sink in... like why God do u want to luv me?.. nd i knw God loves me and ive been knwing for like forever.. but lately.... i feel unworthy of it.. nd at every adoration and praise and mass etcetc..these thoughts bring me to tears.. and i get flashbacks of all d times ive been rejected and told "i dont hav time for u"
Last Soul Survivor... d only time i cried der was coz of this reason.. nd one time d enabling team lady told me.. "wats God telling u?".....nd i was just wobblin with my eyes closed u knw? (xD)... nd like..i said aloud.. he's telling me..he wants to luv me.. nd at that moment i burst into tears!!
So if you're thinking no1 has time for you..*brace urself for the true cliche' phrase*...God does..and not only does he have time for you but he WANTS to love you!...and i think u'll probably end up realising you want to love Him back with everything you do just as I realised but I'll let you come to that conclusion all by yourself...xD
To carry on with the "no time for antying" theme xD i'll go on just a tad bit longer about my present stresses of juggling piano, dancing, y4j, band, family, friends, future school and subjects etc... xD sometimes it all seems like too much..and i'd wish God would have given me one talent coz dat way i wont have to juggle anything i'd just focus my stength on that..but i think that he blessed me with more talents to do more for him... and so i take that as a responsibility..and i want to do everything the best way i can..which is why i end up feelin slightly stressed... coz although i know dat if God wants me to do something he'll give me the strngth to do it..its usually easier said than done..xD...so i meekly try to cast my burdens onto God believing He can give me a chilled heart..
this brings me to another mobile-poem i wrote lately...xD
first one on the new phone pls note xD
I'm being stretched out too thin..
things pullin me from all directions..
control slipping out of my fingers..
friendships;gifts left unworked on..
i cant keep myself together anymore..
how can you hold the universe in your hands?
all its problems, tragedies and mess-ups?
can it rly be you'll use my helplessness for your glory?
i'l stay here
broken; abondoning myself in your love..
In your embrace!
So although life may attempt stretching you in every direction... find out God's dream for you..set a goal and reach it..and be either hot or cold...be totally for something..or totally against it...let God be the one you fall back on when your plans don't really work out perfectly and let Him use every little part of you to the full...xD
*mini sermon ended*
The family calls me to bed since its late..but i felt like blogging glee xD..lemme read if wat i wrote makes sense and i will leave you all..
Blessings
xxxxxxxxx
Thursday, July 17, 2008
If my true testimony had to be written..
So i was meant to come down from St. Pauls Bay, which is where we live in summer, to babysit..but on my way down my mum calls and says she cancelled and doesnt need me..so i get to spend a day in san gwann since i dont think there's anyone at exiles and since there are no buses to get me there anyway i'l just stay home...
i already washed the car; and looked at photos of my social which i hadn't had chance to see; and prayed..etc..xD...
ooo btw i will try use correct spelling and maybe even some punctuation since my english-teacher uncle moaned about my spellin and grammar on my blog last time i met him haha (Shout out to uncle danny..i mean Uncle Danny xD =P)
insomma i missed blabbing all my thoughts to you people so once again here comes a long post probably..
i flicked through my journals this morning...and read this..
"You're never alone coz I am with you...for all eternity."
once again...i didn't type this out for pity but so that i can explain myself a bit better and so that if anyone's ever felt the same it might give them some comfort knowing that we probably have all felt this way before...
You see although many of us are surrounded by people that love us most of the time..we often isolate ourselves and keep all our thoughts to ourselves making us feel lonely and perhaps unloved! we often concentrate on the bitter words..the offensive comments and the negative thoughts that get shouted at us day in day out...and we tend to wollow in a sea of hurts and loneliness without thinkin of the most simple yet complicated way out of all this!!!
and the "simple yet complicated" way out is actually talking to someone! letting people know what we feel even if it might be embarassin or perhaps humbling since we all try act the macho xD people wont think you're pitying yourself or like beggin for attention if u just tell them u need to blab out some thoughts...and for that matter neither would God...i think He loves it when we do blab everything out actually even though He knows what's going on!
You see sometimes my bed-time prayers would look like this:
A day full of events..You were there
It's official I'm a teenager
Sometimes I wish I had control
and other times they were abit more creative and they would end up a song like "Tear it down"..which was actually a journal entry that i ended up butchering and editing until it turned into a song xD
But you see guys..i think one thing i learned when i hurt is that..other people who seem to be OK are hurting too...and by knowing that we can be more of help to each other..You see sometimes i catch myself saying words to help people only because i want to hear those words myself..but occasionly the only person to actually tell you.."It's going to be OK" and "we'll make it together"..is God! I truly believe only He can help this broken world!
So finally my conclusion is that although i had days where i didn't love living and i didn't look forawrd to a new day... as drained as I may feel God remains. Pouring out thoughts helps but God never promised everything would be fine. So through our little suffering-moments I honestly believe God will take us to newer levels..deeper perhaps a more complex level of our relationship with Him!
And the times when we're on spiritual "high"s..haha xD... i suggest writing those down too so that they'll help you carry on in harder times! xD
(you know..it feels like I keep saying the same thing..and gettin nowhere..but this is my current wavelength since i'm lookin back at the up-and-down journeys I had during school u ekk to get throught these O levels successfully..so I guesss I;m just sharing lol)..So not only when things were hardish but also when things seemed to be plain-sailing I found myself getting lost in a world of God's revelations to me!...
God's answer to me was equally amsuing xD :
so this brings me to the end of this blog xD...and i gots no more to say xD..except with God by my side this year has been more bearable and worth living..and that is my true testimony!
(if anyone's still not bored of me u can read the poem i wrote right after the previous prayer xD..it was on the y4j forum once...so i'm just pasting it incase u feel like a longer read xD)
11/03/2008
Do you hear me when i say 'i love you'?
i already washed the car; and looked at photos of my social which i hadn't had chance to see; and prayed..etc..xD...
ooo btw i will try use correct spelling and maybe even some punctuation since my english-teacher uncle moaned about my spellin and grammar on my blog last time i met him haha (Shout out to uncle danny..i mean Uncle Danny xD =P)
insomma i missed blabbing all my thoughts to you people so once again here comes a long post probably..
i flicked through my journals this morning...and read this..
Lord i dont mind hurting
coz hurts can be healed..
i'm not worried about insults
because they can be forgiven.
Even death cannot scare me
because I'm going to rise to new life...
But loneliness Lord,
I wish it were a problem
because it would have a solution
but it's a state..
that i doubt i'll ever manage to change on the inside.
"You're never alone coz I am with you...for all eternity."
I don't need to understand why..
i'll just cling on to Your promises
yet surrender to You and believe You'll get me through.
once again...i didn't type this out for pity but so that i can explain myself a bit better and so that if anyone's ever felt the same it might give them some comfort knowing that we probably have all felt this way before...
You see although many of us are surrounded by people that love us most of the time..we often isolate ourselves and keep all our thoughts to ourselves making us feel lonely and perhaps unloved! we often concentrate on the bitter words..the offensive comments and the negative thoughts that get shouted at us day in day out...and we tend to wollow in a sea of hurts and loneliness without thinkin of the most simple yet complicated way out of all this!!!
and the "simple yet complicated" way out is actually talking to someone! letting people know what we feel even if it might be embarassin or perhaps humbling since we all try act the macho xD people wont think you're pitying yourself or like beggin for attention if u just tell them u need to blab out some thoughts...and for that matter neither would God...i think He loves it when we do blab everything out actually even though He knows what's going on!
You see sometimes my bed-time prayers would look like this:
A day full of events..You were there
Am I keeping You to myself..sharing?
Helping out? Or making things worse?
It's official I'm a teenager
I think deep thoughts and
even get offended easily.
Often, I'm confused...
(xD *laughs at her own prayer-poem that she wrote a year ago)
(xD *laughs at her own prayer-poem that she wrote a year ago)
Sometimes I wish I had control
over things that make friends hurt..
Or the words to comfort them..
Some more time to spend with them
Praying without quick answers
I'm so impatient..my insides..
it feels they're being ripped apart between.. wanting to help and to be helped..
to cry and to let people cry on my shoulder..
to hurt and to let them share their hurts..
Why do we hide?...Uncovering wont stop the pain...I promise...
but it will help.
and other times they were abit more creative and they would end up a song like "Tear it down"..which was actually a journal entry that i ended up butchering and editing until it turned into a song xD
But you see guys..i think one thing i learned when i hurt is that..other people who seem to be OK are hurting too...and by knowing that we can be more of help to each other..You see sometimes i catch myself saying words to help people only because i want to hear those words myself..but occasionly the only person to actually tell you.."It's going to be OK" and "we'll make it together"..is God! I truly believe only He can help this broken world!
So finally my conclusion is that although i had days where i didn't love living and i didn't look forawrd to a new day... as drained as I may feel God remains. Pouring out thoughts helps but God never promised everything would be fine. So through our little suffering-moments I honestly believe God will take us to newer levels..deeper perhaps a more complex level of our relationship with Him!
And the times when we're on spiritual "high"s..haha xD... i suggest writing those down too so that they'll help you carry on in harder times! xD
(you know..it feels like I keep saying the same thing..and gettin nowhere..but this is my current wavelength since i'm lookin back at the up-and-down journeys I had during school u ekk to get throught these O levels successfully..so I guesss I;m just sharing lol)..So not only when things were hardish but also when things seemed to be plain-sailing I found myself getting lost in a world of God's revelations to me!...
(my prayer in the beginning of this year xD)..
Did i ever let you know how cool i think You are?
If i were born 80 years ago..I would have given You a better description..
Something posh, long and meaningful..
But tonight... I wanna tell you..
You're the coolest person I've ever known
and the most powerful God there will ever be!
You never end, You help me when I'm needy
And these simple cliche' descriptions..
they seem to say exactly what I feel! xD
You're great God..
and i say this with the happy, innocent heart
and i say this with the happy, innocent heart
of a five-year old who's just found out something new!
God's answer to me was equally amsuing xD :
You'll be my love forever..You wont get out of mind
You're written on the palm of my hand..
I tihink you're fab and you're nowhere near perfection
so we have a journey ahead of us...
of highs and lows to go through..
projects and hassles to pull through..
But i'll be here..i love you..
do you hear?
so this brings me to the end of this blog xD...and i gots no more to say xD..except with God by my side this year has been more bearable and worth living..and that is my true testimony!
Blessings to all xD
(if anyone's still not bored of me u can read the poem i wrote right after the previous prayer xD..it was on the y4j forum once...so i'm just pasting it incase u feel like a longer read xD)
11/03/2008
Do you hear me when i say 'i love you'?
I wonder.. if you did..will you stop
Harming yourself, putting downall that you are?
If you knew..I loved you, would you perhaps
realise you can be you, no one else?
You'd know deep down you were worth my life,
and you'd live like a precious treasure
knowing your value; love and confidence
an overflowing result of this.. If only
You'd let me love you.. comfort you..
in the middle of the darkest night
you'd stay with me.. i'd stay with u
so you'd believe i love you
coz i really do.. do you hear?
Can i shout it louder than the way i did?
I hung.. humbled, helpless.. hoping You
would say you loved me too..
so we could spend eternity together..
and i could share All i've got with you...
so you wont have to hurt or cry anymore,
without my hands collecting each tear before
it hit the ground with a crash..
accept my love...forgiveness..
let my comfort and peace be with you tonight..
let me be with You..
be still and know that
I Am God.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
If any of u were wondering...*scroll to d bottom xD*
the whole house is asleep..and i get some time to myself in the quietness and dark of the night *english essay title lol*...once again im feelin hot and sticky..but im quite in d mood of writing out some thoughts
so today we played basketball at night and like it was rly funny coz d ball blended in perfectly with the ground since it was so dark..so many times someone would throw the ball to me and i'd think im about to catch it but it smacks me in the face coz i don't see it coming..and it made me think how in this world stuff is thrown at us and like sin is camouflaged by the world and then after a while of us thinking we're surviving nd doing fine it smacks us right across the face and leaves us hurting..just like the ball did.. xD*d smiley is because i'm remembering the ball smacking me in d face xD*
this morning when i opened my bible b4 d-group (big wave to my dgroup buddies dat i wuv so much)... i read this..
"i served the Lord with great humility
and with tears...
however i consider my life worth nothing to me,
if only i may finish the race and complete the task
the Lord Jesus has given me -
the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace." (Acts 20:19-35)
many things hit home...first of all that he served the Lord "with tears"...
it gave me hope u knw?..dat wen i feel im doin the right thing but it hurts i'm not alone..when i serve and dont get appreciated i'm not alone... and even though i might have to do things with tears in my eyes and a heavy heart... i'm ready to go to any extreme to serve the Lord! xD
this reminds of the harder parts of my year which is usually January to like April.. the New Year always seems to hav more stresses and hurdles dan d previous one..and every year February and March greet me with mid-yearly exams and the lenten talks...
now school exams aren't usually too stressful for me..but Lenten Talks..dats another thing!
u see at home things get rly stressful since lots of things get left to the last minute to be done..and der'll be people at home 24/7...nd i go mad after a day or 2!... and its during these times in d past years dat i cried myself to sleep at night needing Someone greater to see the real-not-always-happy-and-ready-to-serve me...
i always used to end up drained after the week... nd feelin as though im left attention-less and energy-less..
so this year i braced myself..i knew d hard time was coming with mocs and the lenten talks a week after and a piano exam dat week... and i was sure i wouldnt crack under the pressure this year..i was older and i cud keep everything in for one week..i'd smile my way thru the one hour sessions... try to pray and be real..and be friendly..and the rest of the stuff a perfect Christian Girl would do...
i remember like 2 or 3 yrs ago i wrote this chorus to get thru the lenten talks..:
i'm willing to hurt if You'll help them
I'm ready to stretch if you'll save them
I'm promising to change if You'll cleanse them
I'm trying to love if You'll lift them up
now when i look back at that stanza atm..i'm not sure if it was just a selfless prayer or a take-the-problems-of-the- world- on-my -shoulder..sort of prayer..
see..i'm not sure if ur all thinking im wacko atm..but im trying to express these weird thoughts but words aren't coming..
you see to me it was d week that came every year where i had to give all i had..the week i had to share d most intimate things i had..the closest things to my heart dat i enjoyed keeping to myself...
i had to share my parents..my home..all my time...and give love to everyone which i knew only God would provide me with..and although i fully understood dat only Jesus can keep me going and keep me filled wit this love i knew i had to give my heart still managed to crack every year....so you see when i ended up crying this February i wrote this poem out of pure helplessness as perhaps a more honest cry from my heart sorta prayer...
another year went by
i'm one year older
i should be a couple of
steps infront...
i'm in the same place
been here 2 years running...
thought i grew up..
became independent
but i just want to run,
hide,be alone...but
i need someone to love me
this feeling's too familiar
bitter hurts, sour tears,
cheesy freindships, fleetin days...
where smiles are rare
and people aren't fair..
you may be wondering what i'm gettin at...or how long i'll keep on going on wat seems to be a huge pity party...but wat i'm trying to say is dat..it was during these times dat i can truly say i served God thru tears and even wen it hurt..and i know dat i'll be rewarded for it..so wen it seems dat all d good u do gets unnoticed and is done in vain..dont lose heart..becoz God appreciates it wen we serve Him with our tears..and the prayers we cry in our dryest of moments are the ones dat God is most pleased with! so even though i failed to keep eveything together..God still kept me in His arms as the helpless broken girl i was!
another thing is dat many times we keep looking forward to the future coz we think its more important and offers us more opportunitys..and we forget to live the moment..for example we'll be dyin to be in form 5..nd den wen we leave school we're dyin to get to sixth form (well ok maybe not xD) but u get muypoint?..and like dat we end up not living our form 5 days d best as we could...(yaaaq whyd i use school to explain myself??)...
lol..so like i encourage u not to wait till like school starts again..or till soul survivor..or like next year...this part of ur life is important..this week..this day..this hour..they all have a purpose!! and we have to use all d time we get like cleverly xD forseeing the consequences of our every action and also d good.. i knw im gettin preachy but like..ive also been thinking about how we sometimes we live the moment for the rush of feelin good instantly...and den in d long run we realise it rly did us harm..but we keep repeatin the act neway for d little pleasure it gives us..nd we close our eyes to the eternal sorta consequences it brings along wit it..*confused yet?xD*
gettin back to wat i was saying b4..i just remembered how last summer..wen we came back from soul survivor..i had an argument with someone..and i got rly frustrated nd upset..nd i wrote this song dat most of u knw..
The still ocean, the mighty mountains
Show Your glory.
Day after day, the radiant skies,
they make You known throughout all the earth.
Chorus:
I wil praise You with my tears
with my hurts, with my cries
I will love you and lift you higher,
When I laugh, when I smile.
I will worship you, everyday.
Verse 2:
Though the darkness clouds my vision
I will seek You
You’re my comfort, you’re my shelter
My heart cries out to know You more.
you see this year i decided dat i wud worship God with every tear dat fell..and with every hurt i had...coz i figured dat way i'd honestly be worshiping God in spirit and in truth... and like alot too..*sounding emo-fied xD but vera lol*... nd this song was like the way i offered all my tears to God..nd so i wish ud all do the same..to use every moment of ours to d full..to worship God..with every little emotion, feelin and action of ours...
so like rather than thinking of d stuff we shudnt do and we shud stop doing..lets focus on doing stuff..lets focus on gettin our hands dirty, and giving till it hurts..and worshiping God with all that we have!! xD
well i just went round in circles in this blog but at least it may hav entertained a couple of u for a while xD...i will leave u on a lighter note with a weird "poem" if u can call it dat lool.. Blessings...enjoy xD
if any of you were wondering....how long it takes me to write a blog..
it taks 1 hour. *today it actually took 45 minutes but usually it takes longer xD*
if any of you wer wondering... where they come from...
its from my brain coz i "stay thinking" as Rob nd some others guys know xD
if any of you wer wondering why i blog...
its coz my head cant contain all my thoughts...*or else it will expand so much id be knocking u all over when i walk..xD*
if any of you were wondering why i always blog at midngiht...
its coz dats wen my brain runs wild and free and works best with no distractions
if any of you were wondering why i'm so open with everyone
its coz i just dont care anymore and coz i belive there are no rewards if der are no risks..
if any of you were wondering why i think white chocolate is the best...
its coz my taste buds just know it is...
if any of you were wondering why i love skittles
i think ur mad coz its xtremely obvious why i love them!
if any of you were wondering how many hours a week i play piano
it ranges from 5 hrs to 30 hrs..
if any of you were wondering why i'm a noiseaholic..
just meet my family!
if any of you were wondering why i dont wear makeup a lot..
its coz i dont wanna hide my natural beauty,,
if any of you were wondering why i have the friends i do..
its coz dey waste so much time reading rubbish like this
that i just feel like a genious around them!
*lol xcuse d lameness i was bored wen i wrote this xD*
so today we played basketball at night and like it was rly funny coz d ball blended in perfectly with the ground since it was so dark..so many times someone would throw the ball to me and i'd think im about to catch it but it smacks me in the face coz i don't see it coming..and it made me think how in this world stuff is thrown at us and like sin is camouflaged by the world and then after a while of us thinking we're surviving nd doing fine it smacks us right across the face and leaves us hurting..just like the ball did.. xD*d smiley is because i'm remembering the ball smacking me in d face xD*
this morning when i opened my bible b4 d-group (big wave to my dgroup buddies dat i wuv so much)... i read this..
"i served the Lord with great humility
and with tears...
however i consider my life worth nothing to me,
if only i may finish the race and complete the task
the Lord Jesus has given me -
the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace." (Acts 20:19-35)
many things hit home...first of all that he served the Lord "with tears"...
it gave me hope u knw?..dat wen i feel im doin the right thing but it hurts i'm not alone..when i serve and dont get appreciated i'm not alone... and even though i might have to do things with tears in my eyes and a heavy heart... i'm ready to go to any extreme to serve the Lord! xD
this reminds of the harder parts of my year which is usually January to like April.. the New Year always seems to hav more stresses and hurdles dan d previous one..and every year February and March greet me with mid-yearly exams and the lenten talks...
now school exams aren't usually too stressful for me..but Lenten Talks..dats another thing!
u see at home things get rly stressful since lots of things get left to the last minute to be done..and der'll be people at home 24/7...nd i go mad after a day or 2!... and its during these times in d past years dat i cried myself to sleep at night needing Someone greater to see the real-not-always-happy-and-ready-to-serve me...
i always used to end up drained after the week... nd feelin as though im left attention-less and energy-less..
so this year i braced myself..i knew d hard time was coming with mocs and the lenten talks a week after and a piano exam dat week... and i was sure i wouldnt crack under the pressure this year..i was older and i cud keep everything in for one week..i'd smile my way thru the one hour sessions... try to pray and be real..and be friendly..and the rest of the stuff a perfect Christian Girl would do...
i remember like 2 or 3 yrs ago i wrote this chorus to get thru the lenten talks..:
i'm willing to hurt if You'll help them
I'm ready to stretch if you'll save them
I'm promising to change if You'll cleanse them
I'm trying to love if You'll lift them up
now when i look back at that stanza atm..i'm not sure if it was just a selfless prayer or a take-the-problems-of-the- world- on-my -shoulder..sort of prayer..
see..i'm not sure if ur all thinking im wacko atm..but im trying to express these weird thoughts but words aren't coming..
you see to me it was d week that came every year where i had to give all i had..the week i had to share d most intimate things i had..the closest things to my heart dat i enjoyed keeping to myself...
i had to share my parents..my home..all my time...and give love to everyone which i knew only God would provide me with..and although i fully understood dat only Jesus can keep me going and keep me filled wit this love i knew i had to give my heart still managed to crack every year....so you see when i ended up crying this February i wrote this poem out of pure helplessness as perhaps a more honest cry from my heart sorta prayer...
another year went by
i'm one year older
i should be a couple of
steps infront...
i'm in the same place
been here 2 years running...
thought i grew up..
became independent
but i just want to run,
hide,be alone...but
i need someone to love me
this feeling's too familiar
bitter hurts, sour tears,
cheesy freindships, fleetin days...
where smiles are rare
and people aren't fair..
you may be wondering what i'm gettin at...or how long i'll keep on going on wat seems to be a huge pity party...but wat i'm trying to say is dat..it was during these times dat i can truly say i served God thru tears and even wen it hurt..and i know dat i'll be rewarded for it..so wen it seems dat all d good u do gets unnoticed and is done in vain..dont lose heart..becoz God appreciates it wen we serve Him with our tears..and the prayers we cry in our dryest of moments are the ones dat God is most pleased with! so even though i failed to keep eveything together..God still kept me in His arms as the helpless broken girl i was!
another thing is dat many times we keep looking forward to the future coz we think its more important and offers us more opportunitys..and we forget to live the moment..for example we'll be dyin to be in form 5..nd den wen we leave school we're dyin to get to sixth form (well ok maybe not xD) but u get muypoint?..and like dat we end up not living our form 5 days d best as we could...(yaaaq whyd i use school to explain myself??)...
lol..so like i encourage u not to wait till like school starts again..or till soul survivor..or like next year...this part of ur life is important..this week..this day..this hour..they all have a purpose!! and we have to use all d time we get like cleverly xD forseeing the consequences of our every action and also d good.. i knw im gettin preachy but like..ive also been thinking about how we sometimes we live the moment for the rush of feelin good instantly...and den in d long run we realise it rly did us harm..but we keep repeatin the act neway for d little pleasure it gives us..nd we close our eyes to the eternal sorta consequences it brings along wit it..*confused yet?xD*
gettin back to wat i was saying b4..i just remembered how last summer..wen we came back from soul survivor..i had an argument with someone..and i got rly frustrated nd upset..nd i wrote this song dat most of u knw..
The still ocean, the mighty mountains
Show Your glory.
Day after day, the radiant skies,
they make You known throughout all the earth.
Chorus:
I wil praise You with my tears
with my hurts, with my cries
I will love you and lift you higher,
When I laugh, when I smile.
I will worship you, everyday.
Verse 2:
Though the darkness clouds my vision
I will seek You
You’re my comfort, you’re my shelter
My heart cries out to know You more.
you see this year i decided dat i wud worship God with every tear dat fell..and with every hurt i had...coz i figured dat way i'd honestly be worshiping God in spirit and in truth... and like alot too..*sounding emo-fied xD but vera lol*... nd this song was like the way i offered all my tears to God..nd so i wish ud all do the same..to use every moment of ours to d full..to worship God..with every little emotion, feelin and action of ours...
so like rather than thinking of d stuff we shudnt do and we shud stop doing..lets focus on doing stuff..lets focus on gettin our hands dirty, and giving till it hurts..and worshiping God with all that we have!! xD
well i just went round in circles in this blog but at least it may hav entertained a couple of u for a while xD...i will leave u on a lighter note with a weird "poem" if u can call it dat lool.. Blessings...enjoy xD
if any of you were wondering....how long it takes me to write a blog..
it taks 1 hour. *today it actually took 45 minutes but usually it takes longer xD*
if any of you wer wondering... where they come from...
its from my brain coz i "stay thinking" as Rob nd some others guys know xD
if any of you wer wondering why i blog...
its coz my head cant contain all my thoughts...*or else it will expand so much id be knocking u all over when i walk..xD*
if any of you were wondering why i always blog at midngiht...
its coz dats wen my brain runs wild and free and works best with no distractions
if any of you were wondering why i'm so open with everyone
its coz i just dont care anymore and coz i belive there are no rewards if der are no risks..
if any of you were wondering why i think white chocolate is the best...
its coz my taste buds just know it is...
if any of you were wondering why i love skittles
i think ur mad coz its xtremely obvious why i love them!
if any of you were wondering how many hours a week i play piano
it ranges from 5 hrs to 30 hrs..
if any of you were wondering why i'm a noiseaholic..
just meet my family!
if any of you were wondering why i dont wear makeup a lot..
its coz i dont wanna hide my natural beauty,,
if any of you were wondering why i have the friends i do..
its coz dey waste so much time reading rubbish like this
that i just feel like a genious around them!
*lol xcuse d lameness i was bored wen i wrote this xD*
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
If something everlasting exists...
Hello again bloggers xD the study is the hottest room of the house and so im not very encouraged by the weather to blog and spend time on the pc hehe but neways my last blog is getting old so i will update u all on my brain and thoughts..
so a few days ago i was a bit confused.. like i wanted to be passionate about the things i do..but like...well im not sure how i can explain this but i just wanted to feel something extreme..like either extreme compassion or extreme boldness ... u knw how?.. i just wanted to feel im giving 100% or gettin 100%...nd i sorta wrote this..
i want to have the heart of a poet..
but the strength of an athlete...
the boldness of a bully
but the passion of a song..
the perseverence of a little child
but the strong head of a teen..
the trusting spirit of a healed person
but the wisdom of an old man...
the fighting spirit of a warrior
but the peace of a slow-running stream..
so u see..i wanted something extreme...but then i sorta realised that i couldnt have it alone..xD *how highly confused are you?*..well neways..dats wen i realised only God can be totally in touch wit His feelings yet still strong..and totally merciful but totally just..nd although i do usually find it hard to wrap my little brain around such confusing matters..i think it does make sense.. and it makes me stand in awe of God if u knw wat i mean..
thinking about it.. we all strive for somethin extreme, something eternal...somethin that will last and truly be wat it claims to be! for example so many of us strive to be the prettiest; the skinnyest; or most popular..becoz we imagine having so much good {to an extreme} will satisfy us..but lets get real..nothing in this world rly satisfies us wen we're in one of those deep, pissy moods xD..
i mean i'm sure all of u hav had loved ones say "i'll always be there" and den they just weren't or maybe they were..but without the right words to say...or else you've experienced something the world portrays as good or normal.. and u find out its not so amasing...
digging into my own life story yet again..i think i went thru wat many of us did..not only girls..
i had my cry-when-i -stare-into-the-mirror days..and i disliked myself for some time too..and reduced wat i ate...(no i never rly turned anorexic or nething but i guess i hav my family to thank becoz der such food lovers i wouldnt hav been able to spend a day without being forced to eat!)... i guess it was a way i showed i was thirsty for love in the most discrete way ever u knw?..like i wudnt eat as much as i used to.. thinkin dat maybe someone would realise and let me knw im loved for wat i am nd not wat i hav to become!
well for all those like dat...der is someone who's realising ur hurting even if u may be crying out for love in a different way nd ders no1 to realise ur need...I wish i could let u all know how real it is dat wenever ur crying uself to sleep god's crying wit u..nd wenever ur wishing u had a differnt life or family or friends..God's der wit u saying.."only i can see the big picture..but for now i'll hurt with you coz i know wat its like to be misunderstood and taken forgranted and rejected..."..
so i remember one time after a couple of weeks of playing with my food and thinking i wasnt thin/nice/ watever enough.. i went into the bathroom for a shower..and i had had a pretty tough week..nd i had looked in the mirror and started crying..not becuase i tot i was ugly or nething dat dramatic..but becoz at that moment i realised i wasnt living my life the way God planned me to live it.. nd i cried and prayed "God i knw i might not love myself atm..but i knw dat with ur stength i can start living my life normally the way i used to without focusing on me so much but turning all my thoughts and decisions to you!"....i remember dat day my shower was like a total "baptism"..xD.. like i was gna start over..
nd i think GOd wants us to start over more often..since starting over is always better dan procrastinating and saying we'll fix things 2moro..well here's a song i later wrote for some people i knew who were battling with food and luving themselves.. (wit d help of a special someone xD)
Verse 1:
I don’t deserve to see
the beuaty of a flower,
Will I ever be
good enough for you to love?
I can’t forgive myself
if I’m just no good.
Will I ever be
thin enough to accept?
Pre-Chorus:
And what about me?
What about me?
The me inside
Who should I believe?
Chorus:
Coz there’s a monster inside,
Telling me I’m worthles,
Tears come; it just laughs
its way through my life.
How long will I keep believing,
This lying monster, monster inside?
Verse 2:
Scared of losing friends,
Coz of gaining weight.
Why do the wrongs in me,
Outnumber my rights?
My heart is hurting still,
Coz of that last comment you passed.
I’m self destructive,
Just longing to fit in.
Chorus
Coz there’s a monster inside,
Telling me I’m worthles,
Tears come; it just laughs its way through my life.
How long will I keep believing,
This lying monster, monster inside?
Bridge:
And I long for that day
When I can praise You
For I am fearfully and wonderfully made! x2
Chorus 2:
Coz there’s Jesus right here,
Now I know I’m worth it
Tears come; He wipes away all my fears
When can I stop adoring
My loving Saviour, Jesus my Lord?
so bak to wat i said b4..if nothing in this world can satisfy us..r we all screwed?..nd u obviously all know my answer..xD..and dat is that d only thing dat ever actually "satisfied" me is God..(although the word "satisfied" is not a very good description for wat i mean)..but ill save my sermons for another time..nd il go on revealing a bit more about me xD..
nd all this leaves me wandering if nething in this world (apart from God duuh) xD ..ever lasts forever
i mean seriously..if neone can finish off this simile i'l be rly impressed..
so a few days ago i was a bit confused.. like i wanted to be passionate about the things i do..but like...well im not sure how i can explain this but i just wanted to feel something extreme..like either extreme compassion or extreme boldness ... u knw how?.. i just wanted to feel im giving 100% or gettin 100%...nd i sorta wrote this..
i want to have the heart of a poet..
but the strength of an athlete...
the boldness of a bully
but the passion of a song..
the perseverence of a little child
but the strong head of a teen..
the trusting spirit of a healed person
but the wisdom of an old man...
the fighting spirit of a warrior
but the peace of a slow-running stream..
so u see..i wanted something extreme...but then i sorta realised that i couldnt have it alone..xD *how highly confused are you?*..well neways..dats wen i realised only God can be totally in touch wit His feelings yet still strong..and totally merciful but totally just..nd although i do usually find it hard to wrap my little brain around such confusing matters..i think it does make sense.. and it makes me stand in awe of God if u knw wat i mean..
thinking about it.. we all strive for somethin extreme, something eternal...somethin that will last and truly be wat it claims to be! for example so many of us strive to be the prettiest; the skinnyest; or most popular..becoz we imagine having so much good {to an extreme} will satisfy us..but lets get real..nothing in this world rly satisfies us wen we're in one of those deep, pissy moods xD..
i mean i'm sure all of u hav had loved ones say "i'll always be there" and den they just weren't or maybe they were..but without the right words to say...or else you've experienced something the world portrays as good or normal.. and u find out its not so amasing...
digging into my own life story yet again..i think i went thru wat many of us did..not only girls..
i had my cry-when-i -stare-into-the-mirror days..and i disliked myself for some time too..and reduced wat i ate...(no i never rly turned anorexic or nething but i guess i hav my family to thank becoz der such food lovers i wouldnt hav been able to spend a day without being forced to eat!)... i guess it was a way i showed i was thirsty for love in the most discrete way ever u knw?..like i wudnt eat as much as i used to.. thinkin dat maybe someone would realise and let me knw im loved for wat i am nd not wat i hav to become!
well for all those like dat...der is someone who's realising ur hurting even if u may be crying out for love in a different way nd ders no1 to realise ur need...I wish i could let u all know how real it is dat wenever ur crying uself to sleep god's crying wit u..nd wenever ur wishing u had a differnt life or family or friends..God's der wit u saying.."only i can see the big picture..but for now i'll hurt with you coz i know wat its like to be misunderstood and taken forgranted and rejected..."..
so i remember one time after a couple of weeks of playing with my food and thinking i wasnt thin/nice/ watever enough.. i went into the bathroom for a shower..and i had had a pretty tough week..nd i had looked in the mirror and started crying..not becuase i tot i was ugly or nething dat dramatic..but becoz at that moment i realised i wasnt living my life the way God planned me to live it.. nd i cried and prayed "God i knw i might not love myself atm..but i knw dat with ur stength i can start living my life normally the way i used to without focusing on me so much but turning all my thoughts and decisions to you!"....i remember dat day my shower was like a total "baptism"..xD.. like i was gna start over..
nd i think GOd wants us to start over more often..since starting over is always better dan procrastinating and saying we'll fix things 2moro..well here's a song i later wrote for some people i knew who were battling with food and luving themselves.. (wit d help of a special someone xD)
Verse 1:
I don’t deserve to see
the beuaty of a flower,
Will I ever be
good enough for you to love?
I can’t forgive myself
if I’m just no good.
Will I ever be
thin enough to accept?
Pre-Chorus:
And what about me?
What about me?
The me inside
Who should I believe?
Chorus:
Coz there’s a monster inside,
Telling me I’m worthles,
Tears come; it just laughs
its way through my life.
How long will I keep believing,
This lying monster, monster inside?
Verse 2:
Scared of losing friends,
Coz of gaining weight.
Why do the wrongs in me,
Outnumber my rights?
My heart is hurting still,
Coz of that last comment you passed.
I’m self destructive,
Just longing to fit in.
Chorus
Coz there’s a monster inside,
Telling me I’m worthles,
Tears come; it just laughs its way through my life.
How long will I keep believing,
This lying monster, monster inside?
Bridge:
And I long for that day
When I can praise You
For I am fearfully and wonderfully made! x2
Chorus 2:
Coz there’s Jesus right here,
Now I know I’m worth it
Tears come; He wipes away all my fears
When can I stop adoring
My loving Saviour, Jesus my Lord?
so bak to wat i said b4..if nothing in this world can satisfy us..r we all screwed?..nd u obviously all know my answer..xD..and dat is that d only thing dat ever actually "satisfied" me is God..(although the word "satisfied" is not a very good description for wat i mean)..but ill save my sermons for another time..nd il go on revealing a bit more about me xD..
nd all this leaves me wandering if nething in this world (apart from God duuh) xD ..ever lasts forever
i mean seriously..if neone can finish off this simile i'l be rly impressed..
"As never-ending as......."
any suggestions?..xD..neways this is another one of those reasons i find myself needing God.. here's a song i sorta wrote..which doesn't look too much like a song when typed out but actually has quite a cool tune once its played on d piano...still i'll share xD:
In this world everything ends
every little thing
every little thing ends
But Your love it stays forever,forever
You're everlasting; You never change
Your love is strong, yes it remains
Yesterday,today, the same...
You're everlasting!
so this comes to another part of my life which is a bit tricky..the fact that my dad's always coming and going to libya and so even my family is always changing.. sometimes it feels like he's gna be away forever..or dat if he was it wud reduce the heartache...but then when i think thoughts like dat i cant help but feel very nasty... still..its hard to get used to my dad being around one week and den suddenly cope without him for the next week..but be ready to include him into my life the week after...and so on... And its a situation dat cannot rly be changed if u knw wat i mean?..coz like is he gna stop working? or live in libya? coz either way things wud just get worse.. So solutions are pretty pointless since der isnt rly one...
so i just cling on to God and i think he rly does help me get thru d times wen i feel torn apart...and well i must mention all the friends and ppls dat hav helped me even just put things into proportion when i feel dat with my dad figure coming and going my world is falling to pieces...
well ill expand on this topic some other time.. xD (rob why did u make me start a blog? xD)..now i feel i hav so much more to let u all in on ..but ul hav to wait till another time coz im hot and sleeppy xD..
so guys cling onto ur heavenly- everylasting- fulfilling- Father up in heaven and know dat he's madly in love with you and waiting for u to run back into his arms saying.. "i'm here knowin dat u knw d besst way for me to live my life..so pls show me wat to do!"...
luv ya all! Blessings
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
If you get to the end...give urself a tap on d back xD
Hey all.. so first of all i wanna tell you all that your comments and messages and msn conversations about my last blog were all very encouraging! xD so thanks loadsss for them all...
like seriously it showed me how wen im honest i can actually help others or at least show ppls who i really am and help myself..xD..*haha i might say rubbish coz at night i just stay thinking and now im blogging instead of journaling lol*
(today i showed drea my many prayer journals dat date back to 2002 i realised..coz she msged me while i was stretching coz she was in my road and so she came up to my room while i stretched and i showed her my dressies and my journals haha)
and thinking about my journals istra...der rly helpful.. coz thing is..i hav some rly depressing entries and like i was young ta wen i wrote them!
so lemme brief u about how i got close to God and how my prayer journals are so important to me.. xD
so basically i decided i wanted to be a chirstian wen i was 8 since my parents always had meetings going on at home and used to organise little prayer meetings for teenagers at our house u ekk..and dey used to go to gozo every summer like..nd one time in gozo on my 8th bday... i stayed for der meeting and like sang d songs with them and rly decided in my heart alone dat i wanted to follow God like..nd from den on i started praying like..or trying to insomma...
nd after a year or two i sorta "established" a daily prayer time with God wer i wud blab and let out everything and be honest with God.. and basically i was quite an emotional young little kid xD...nd like i used to (and still do) overthink things a bit..so like little things would rly hurt me u knw how?..and i dnt used to let neone in on them..and at d end id burst one time...neone out der like me?..
for example wen our family used to go walking my dad wud walk wit my bro and my sis wud walk wit my mum and i used to just walk alone and feel all rejected..(i mean how emo was i?..but these little thigns used to hrut me)..nd i wud never admit dey hurt me..nd like i dnt think i ever felt understood becoz of d fact dat my mum was d yougnest..like my sister and my dad was d eldest like my brother so i felt my parents understood my siblings..but not me..
other thigns dat bothered me were the fact that we always had youths at home..nd to me it felt like "competition" for my parents..becoz many ppls wud come and talk to my parents about der problems and stuff...so sometimes i used to feel like my problems wer not important enough to bother my parents with them..which is how i became a very closed person whos not very open about my feelingss...buuuut im working on that..
moving on.. so in my "emotional-feelingrejected" times the only "friend" i wud hav is God..becoz i thought my problems wer too small for my parents..and i cudnt tell my friends dat my parents focus more on youths dan me coz den dey wouldnt want to come to y4j and dey wouldnt meet jesus and i wud ruin der chacne of meeting God!!! and so i took the weight of saving the world on my shoudlers and kept everything to myself...only lettin everything out to God every night whilst crying myself to sleep...thinking no1 in this world understands me..
(obviously i was a happy kid ta..but im just relating the tough times xD)
i had written this one time...*this is d time u all think im emo xD*
always felt i had to earn
every little thing i achieved or got..
i had to compete for love..
my brother and sister were not the only competition
i was a young girl
in the bigworld
wanting love and attention
but how could i compete with the problems, needs and time of 100 other teenagers
all beating me...
all ahead of me
when it came to problems, methods of communicating them and gettin the attention..
on the sideline i watched
while life zoomed passt me
i tried to be grateful..
isnt that wat i was meant to do
as the perfect chirstian girl?
so i strived for love and attention
all methods failing
how was i meant to know
that starving myself, hurting myself and sacrificing myself
would never work?
i had lost it all
i had nothign else to lose
no one told me it would never work
i was young...helpless..
in need of someone's caring hug..
u promised to carry me in your arms
forever...
but u never said anyone else would...
im saying all this coz i think many of us feel similar like..that nobody understands them and dey hav no1 dey can be totally honest too ... so im here to share my solution..
i became a friend of God..and basically i wud read my bible since i was quite a bookworm at a young age xD..nd i wud try see how dat applies to my life and situation atm..nd wen i re-read these journal thingys..i realise how wen i used to write down a certain problem..nd den open my bible..i used to get answers! real answers! answers from God! Someone who understood me!
so i wud cry with God../knowing he was der with me and dat better times wud come..
sometimes i wud pray hopeless prayers.. like :
"i'm hurting lord..im lonely..pls embrace me and heal my wounds..i know these feelings i hav may be all lies...but even tho i feel unloved i know im precious to the King of the universe.. but i wanna be precious to people too! not just shallow with everyone..i need ppls to know im hurting..".....nd i wud ramble on like dat to God..nd it truly does help! hence im encouraging u all to be real and genuine to God even wen it soudns like moanin..but be open to his help..even if its not the way u wud hav expected it!
but from hind-site i see dat...it was partly my fault that i remained alone..becoz i wudnt open up easily..(and altought im still a bit like dat today..i hav highly improved...- im saying dat coz i wanna be real and show u all dat im still not 100% made whole yet but i really believe that Gods helping me out of this)...so i wud keep everything to myself and it does eat u up inside!! *bettinas sure many of us feel like this wen we hide things*...
well i cud go on forever relating little thigns dat hurt me..nd little words form God dat encouraged me..but basically i think a major turning point was wen i realised God loved me unmasked..and he wanted me to be vulnerable to the world!
thats wen i started developing my songwriting..and wen i wrote "unmasked"..and "tear it down"...i wud type the lyrics out coz i enjoy writing but this posts loong man already! xD
so sometime il show dem to u (but most of u hav dem)
well now im grateful for the hard times wer all i had was GOd..becoz its how i became so close to him and its why i hav such a passion about the bible.. becoz der was a time in my life when those wer the only things dat kept me going..my only companions..nd dey helped! but god did give us friends too! so dont be afraid to be open to people..coz in the end we're all broken people!! and dats ok!! becoz dats why Jesus saved us and made us whole! xD
God gives us the joy and strength we need to go on everyday!! * laughs at the mini-sermon she has just typed out xD**laughs again becoz she is talking about herself in d 3rd person*
so im here to say..Be Real..showing who u are doesnt make u emo...and being always happy isnt necessarily real life! Jesus wept! Jesus suffered so dat we wont hav to suffer alone! He;s carrying us coz we're so broken!.. i will leave u with this quote im learning this week:
"Humble Yourselves before the Lord
and HE will lift You up"
(stress on He will lift you up..nd u dont need to do nething about it..think about it. When God uses us its Him lifting us up and not us doin nething..so dat removes all d stress of it xD)
Insomma..i wonder if this post made sense..or if uve reached the end but haha o well
Luv ya all
Blessings from your work-in-process friend
xxxxxxxxxx
like seriously it showed me how wen im honest i can actually help others or at least show ppls who i really am and help myself..xD..*haha i might say rubbish coz at night i just stay thinking and now im blogging instead of journaling lol*
(today i showed drea my many prayer journals dat date back to 2002 i realised..coz she msged me while i was stretching coz she was in my road and so she came up to my room while i stretched and i showed her my dressies and my journals haha)
and thinking about my journals istra...der rly helpful.. coz thing is..i hav some rly depressing entries and like i was young ta wen i wrote them!
so lemme brief u about how i got close to God and how my prayer journals are so important to me.. xD
so basically i decided i wanted to be a chirstian wen i was 8 since my parents always had meetings going on at home and used to organise little prayer meetings for teenagers at our house u ekk..and dey used to go to gozo every summer like..nd one time in gozo on my 8th bday... i stayed for der meeting and like sang d songs with them and rly decided in my heart alone dat i wanted to follow God like..nd from den on i started praying like..or trying to insomma...
nd after a year or two i sorta "established" a daily prayer time with God wer i wud blab and let out everything and be honest with God.. and basically i was quite an emotional young little kid xD...nd like i used to (and still do) overthink things a bit..so like little things would rly hurt me u knw how?..and i dnt used to let neone in on them..and at d end id burst one time...neone out der like me?..
for example wen our family used to go walking my dad wud walk wit my bro and my sis wud walk wit my mum and i used to just walk alone and feel all rejected..(i mean how emo was i?..but these little thigns used to hrut me)..nd i wud never admit dey hurt me..nd like i dnt think i ever felt understood becoz of d fact dat my mum was d yougnest..like my sister and my dad was d eldest like my brother so i felt my parents understood my siblings..but not me..
other thigns dat bothered me were the fact that we always had youths at home..nd to me it felt like "competition" for my parents..becoz many ppls wud come and talk to my parents about der problems and stuff...so sometimes i used to feel like my problems wer not important enough to bother my parents with them..which is how i became a very closed person whos not very open about my feelingss...buuuut im working on that..
moving on.. so in my "emotional-feelingrejected" times the only "friend" i wud hav is God..becoz i thought my problems wer too small for my parents..and i cudnt tell my friends dat my parents focus more on youths dan me coz den dey wouldnt want to come to y4j and dey wouldnt meet jesus and i wud ruin der chacne of meeting God!!! and so i took the weight of saving the world on my shoudlers and kept everything to myself...only lettin everything out to God every night whilst crying myself to sleep...thinking no1 in this world understands me..
(obviously i was a happy kid ta..but im just relating the tough times xD)
i had written this one time...*this is d time u all think im emo xD*
always felt i had to earn
every little thing i achieved or got..
i had to compete for love..
my brother and sister were not the only competition
i was a young girl
in the bigworld
wanting love and attention
but how could i compete with the problems, needs and time of 100 other teenagers
all beating me...
all ahead of me
when it came to problems, methods of communicating them and gettin the attention..
on the sideline i watched
while life zoomed passt me
i tried to be grateful..
isnt that wat i was meant to do
as the perfect chirstian girl?
so i strived for love and attention
all methods failing
how was i meant to know
that starving myself, hurting myself and sacrificing myself
would never work?
i had lost it all
i had nothign else to lose
no one told me it would never work
i was young...helpless..
in need of someone's caring hug..
u promised to carry me in your arms
forever...
but u never said anyone else would...
im saying all this coz i think many of us feel similar like..that nobody understands them and dey hav no1 dey can be totally honest too ... so im here to share my solution..
i became a friend of God..and basically i wud read my bible since i was quite a bookworm at a young age xD..nd i wud try see how dat applies to my life and situation atm..nd wen i re-read these journal thingys..i realise how wen i used to write down a certain problem..nd den open my bible..i used to get answers! real answers! answers from God! Someone who understood me!
so i wud cry with God../knowing he was der with me and dat better times wud come..
sometimes i wud pray hopeless prayers.. like :
"i'm hurting lord..im lonely..pls embrace me and heal my wounds..i know these feelings i hav may be all lies...but even tho i feel unloved i know im precious to the King of the universe.. but i wanna be precious to people too! not just shallow with everyone..i need ppls to know im hurting..".....nd i wud ramble on like dat to God..nd it truly does help! hence im encouraging u all to be real and genuine to God even wen it soudns like moanin..but be open to his help..even if its not the way u wud hav expected it!
but from hind-site i see dat...it was partly my fault that i remained alone..becoz i wudnt open up easily..(and altought im still a bit like dat today..i hav highly improved...- im saying dat coz i wanna be real and show u all dat im still not 100% made whole yet but i really believe that Gods helping me out of this)...so i wud keep everything to myself and it does eat u up inside!! *bettinas sure many of us feel like this wen we hide things*...
well i cud go on forever relating little thigns dat hurt me..nd little words form God dat encouraged me..but basically i think a major turning point was wen i realised God loved me unmasked..and he wanted me to be vulnerable to the world!
thats wen i started developing my songwriting..and wen i wrote "unmasked"..and "tear it down"...i wud type the lyrics out coz i enjoy writing but this posts loong man already! xD
so sometime il show dem to u (but most of u hav dem)
well now im grateful for the hard times wer all i had was GOd..becoz its how i became so close to him and its why i hav such a passion about the bible.. becoz der was a time in my life when those wer the only things dat kept me going..my only companions..nd dey helped! but god did give us friends too! so dont be afraid to be open to people..coz in the end we're all broken people!! and dats ok!! becoz dats why Jesus saved us and made us whole! xD
God gives us the joy and strength we need to go on everyday!! * laughs at the mini-sermon she has just typed out xD**laughs again becoz she is talking about herself in d 3rd person*
so im here to say..Be Real..showing who u are doesnt make u emo...and being always happy isnt necessarily real life! Jesus wept! Jesus suffered so dat we wont hav to suffer alone! He;s carrying us coz we're so broken!.. i will leave u with this quote im learning this week:
"Humble Yourselves before the Lord
and HE will lift You up"
(stress on He will lift you up..nd u dont need to do nething about it..think about it. When God uses us its Him lifting us up and not us doin nething..so dat removes all d stress of it xD)
Insomma..i wonder if this post made sense..or if uve reached the end but haha o well
Luv ya all
Blessings from your work-in-process friend
xxxxxxxxxx
Sunday, June 15, 2008
If yesterday was ne different today wud be so different!
i wrote this a couple of days back..and thought i'd share..
8-6-08
It’s the now…
not the yesterday or the last year
That counts...
It’s the now
God’s not bothered about what you were
Or who you were a couple of months back
He’s interested in the now
Whether the past was so much cleaner
Or so much worse you shouldn’t think about it…
It’s the now that matters…
Previous good deeds and prayers
Selfish acts and greedy behaviours..
They dissolve when God’s around and
The now is all that matters
And only you have control over the now
Maybe your past was affected by others..
But the now…
You can change it and make a difference..
Past acts wont save you or damn you
Where you’re standing now might…
insommaaa basically i think we're all lookin at life a bit differently since last saturdays meetin..and i mean dats rly great!..but im encouraging all of us to keep this fire lit..and not to let it die by d winds and currents of this world that will try pull us down and keep us away from God..so yesterday was quite a hard day emotionally.. like i had abda arguments with my family all morning and i ended up crying at lunch..(N.B. i havent cried infront of my family since like forever)..but im glad i did..i dnt want neone thinking im macho anymore u knw?..im gna be really real!..nd although i dnt let neone knw why i was crying..it felt good being real...
insomma den i ended up bitter all afternoon..remembering past events dat hurt me and scarred my life...words and feelings returned to me and i was a ball of emotions..i prayed b4 i went to y4j but still i knew dat dat evening during praise i had to give evrything to God and like hav a healing/crying session xD...and insomma as others hav said maria vadia was amasing nd did actually bring Gods excitement back to us all i wud say!..
basically at a time she mentioned dat ppls with digestive problems wer gan be healed..nd i had to raise my hand..nd basically she prayed on me..nd like first she was saying like "jesus come..blablabla"..and in my brain i was like doubtin u knw how?.. but den i decided i hav to belive...so i started saying jesus i believe ur gna heal me thank you thank you thank you...and as soon as i thought dat she like said "thank you jesus"..and moved to d next person..nd i was like wow..nd i burst out crying..nd like enjoyed God's presence u knw?..
nd deeen she asked if neone was betty..nd like der wer 3 bettys and bascially she started praying on one of us bettys haha..nd like i tot ah ok she was talking about her..but wat she prayed rly struck me...
"God is pleased with you my good and faithful servant.."..
and not to sound big headed like..but i rly felt god saying it to me at dat moment...*not only coz im also betty xD*..but hekk i just...knew God was addressing me at that time..*hard feelin to describe
but neway =P
*Paul go away xD =P haha*
so as i cried..all these thoughts and feelings wer coming to me u knw?..all my hurts wer leaving and i knew it..and God was pleased with my work and was giving me the strength to keep living for him!..and also..xD..haha big news.. : I'M SHITTING!!
hahahaha i had to say that coz i truly believe im healed and my digestive system is back to normal..(haha i shat 2 times ta today!! i used to shit like once a week haha..so yup God healed my weird sickness i tink..i knw acutally)
insomma den after d meeting i walked down to bs with the polish ppls dat visited..nd i spent all the walk talking to gabriella..nd i realised we're rly lucky to hav eachother and like y4j..and i mean such a peaceful country wit friends all around us!..*shout out to gabriella and micheal whom we are all enjoying driving mad with our loud malteseness xD*
so newaaaay lol den i came home dat night all happy and on the clouds..(and this post is rly long but wat d hell its summer u shud all hav time to read it xD) and i couldnt sleep haha so i got my phone and typed this out://
i havent felt so full of peace
and yet so hurt and let down in one day
like this before
the morning was full of tears..bitterness, hurts, wounds left unseen to...
and it was as if you wer the only one
keeping me up..
but self pity sat comfortably in my heart
and althought i knew you were with me
i hurt too bad to forget and forgive..
but this evening you gave me the grace and strength
to be at peace once more
you totally took over and filled me up
so high...
i cried and overflowed
somehow i knew it was your healing touch
that was changing me
spiritually and physically...
thank you!..
is it enough?..xD
I Love You God!! xD
haha dats d end for now! xD..blessings and luv to all..haha how nice i got this allllll off my chest! xD wihtout interruptions from family haha *but with interruptions from achie and paul and drea haha but i luv dem neway =P* haha
tataaaaa
Bettinaaaaa
*on seoncd thoughts der all evil!!!!*
8-6-08
It’s the now…
not the yesterday or the last year
That counts...
It’s the now
God’s not bothered about what you were
Or who you were a couple of months back
He’s interested in the now
Whether the past was so much cleaner
Or so much worse you shouldn’t think about it…
It’s the now that matters…
Previous good deeds and prayers
Selfish acts and greedy behaviours..
They dissolve when God’s around and
The now is all that matters
And only you have control over the now
Maybe your past was affected by others..
But the now…
You can change it and make a difference..
Past acts wont save you or damn you
Where you’re standing now might…
insommaaa basically i think we're all lookin at life a bit differently since last saturdays meetin..and i mean dats rly great!..but im encouraging all of us to keep this fire lit..and not to let it die by d winds and currents of this world that will try pull us down and keep us away from God..so yesterday was quite a hard day emotionally.. like i had abda arguments with my family all morning and i ended up crying at lunch..(N.B. i havent cried infront of my family since like forever)..but im glad i did..i dnt want neone thinking im macho anymore u knw?..im gna be really real!..nd although i dnt let neone knw why i was crying..it felt good being real...
insomma den i ended up bitter all afternoon..remembering past events dat hurt me and scarred my life...words and feelings returned to me and i was a ball of emotions..i prayed b4 i went to y4j but still i knew dat dat evening during praise i had to give evrything to God and like hav a healing/crying session xD...and insomma as others hav said maria vadia was amasing nd did actually bring Gods excitement back to us all i wud say!..
basically at a time she mentioned dat ppls with digestive problems wer gan be healed..nd i had to raise my hand..nd basically she prayed on me..nd like first she was saying like "jesus come..blablabla"..and in my brain i was like doubtin u knw how?.. but den i decided i hav to belive...so i started saying jesus i believe ur gna heal me thank you thank you thank you...and as soon as i thought dat she like said "thank you jesus"..and moved to d next person..nd i was like wow..nd i burst out crying..nd like enjoyed God's presence u knw?..
nd deeen she asked if neone was betty..nd like der wer 3 bettys and bascially she started praying on one of us bettys haha..nd like i tot ah ok she was talking about her..but wat she prayed rly struck me...
"God is pleased with you my good and faithful servant.."..
and not to sound big headed like..but i rly felt god saying it to me at dat moment...*not only coz im also betty xD*..but hekk i just...knew God was addressing me at that time..*hard feelin to describe
but neway =P
*Paul go away xD =P haha*
so as i cried..all these thoughts and feelings wer coming to me u knw?..all my hurts wer leaving and i knew it..and God was pleased with my work and was giving me the strength to keep living for him!..and also..xD..haha big news.. : I'M SHITTING!!
hahahaha i had to say that coz i truly believe im healed and my digestive system is back to normal..(haha i shat 2 times ta today!! i used to shit like once a week haha..so yup God healed my weird sickness i tink..i knw acutally)
insomma den after d meeting i walked down to bs with the polish ppls dat visited..nd i spent all the walk talking to gabriella..nd i realised we're rly lucky to hav eachother and like y4j..and i mean such a peaceful country wit friends all around us!..*shout out to gabriella and micheal whom we are all enjoying driving mad with our loud malteseness xD*
so newaaaay lol den i came home dat night all happy and on the clouds..(and this post is rly long but wat d hell its summer u shud all hav time to read it xD) and i couldnt sleep haha so i got my phone and typed this out://
i havent felt so full of peace
and yet so hurt and let down in one day
like this before
the morning was full of tears..bitterness, hurts, wounds left unseen to...
and it was as if you wer the only one
keeping me up..
but self pity sat comfortably in my heart
and althought i knew you were with me
i hurt too bad to forget and forgive..
but this evening you gave me the grace and strength
to be at peace once more
you totally took over and filled me up
so high...
i cried and overflowed
somehow i knew it was your healing touch
that was changing me
spiritually and physically...
thank you!..
is it enough?..xD
I Love You God!! xD
haha dats d end for now! xD..blessings and luv to all..haha how nice i got this allllll off my chest! xD wihtout interruptions from family haha *but with interruptions from achie and paul and drea haha but i luv dem neway =P* haha
tataaaaa
Bettinaaaaa
*on seoncd thoughts der all evil!!!!*
Sunday, June 8, 2008
If our life's page was as blank as this one...
so i'm staring at this blank screen infront of me..and i'm in this mega pensive mood..so i will bless u with some thoughts and reflections of mine xD...
so like i dnt knw..if our life's page was as blank as this one how would we live it? how would we write it? i mean lately all that matters to me is having fun and all i tink about is how im gna fill my next day with activities to keep me busy and entertained..nd im thinkin..is der something wrong with that mentality?..isnt it like rly shallow?...(or am i simply over thinking things for a chnage? xD)
i mean just think for a few seconds about all those ppls who hav absolutely nothing possession-wise..and all those who have everything...and still der r d rich empty unhappy ones..nd d poor empty unhappy ones....and d poor happy ones and d rich happy ones...and happiness i mean wat is dat?..its not why we're alive...becoz if we wer always meant to be happy i belive jesus would always hav been happy and he certainly wasnt...all he did was keep his father happy..so shouldnt dat be our life's goal too?..to keep our Father happy..becoz after all He created us and knows what will make us happy!..
*feels like she got a weird balla off her stonku*..*nd now re-reads her sentence and realises shes a total pepe!*
insomma so lately i wrote this..and found a pretty tune for it..basically im thinking..we all procrastinated a bit during o levels..thinking in summer we'll hav laods of time and get bak to our quiet times and rly get close to God and get fit and blablabla (all those other promises we made to ourselves)...which hav all ended up like new years resolutions...not being fulfilled..and jsut being airy fairy thoughts dat we never put to action..*maaa*
so like im not sure how this song is related actually but here it is..sum thoughts from God xD:
Are your hearts too hard to take it in?
you have eyes...but can't you see?
You hav ears can't you hear?
Don't you remember...anything at all?
chorus:
what about the 5,000 i fed?
what about the blood that i shed?
i've healed ppl with one touch
for you i gave so much..
why can't you see clearly?
Don't you understand even yet?
Scattered sheep; lost souls; once for all
you were sent looking for...
something to fulfill..your empty core..
chorus:
what about the 5,000 i fed?
what about the blood that i shed?
i've healed ppl with one touch
for you i gave so much...
why can't you see clearly?
.....anwaaaayss...if uve managed to get to d end of my blog..*well done! xD*...il be glad to inform u dat il contiue spillin some other time..i mean like d thing dat happened at exiles..illa ive thought of so many "morals of the story"..dat like il need to write a book about dat incident xD..but for now il let u live...
im gna go read my bible and think about things dat matter and not thigns dat pls me for d moment...lets get back to God ppls..i think..actually i'm sure..its d only way we can change the world..
Blessingsss
so like i dnt knw..if our life's page was as blank as this one how would we live it? how would we write it? i mean lately all that matters to me is having fun and all i tink about is how im gna fill my next day with activities to keep me busy and entertained..nd im thinkin..is der something wrong with that mentality?..isnt it like rly shallow?...(or am i simply over thinking things for a chnage? xD)
i mean just think for a few seconds about all those ppls who hav absolutely nothing possession-wise..and all those who have everything...and still der r d rich empty unhappy ones..nd d poor empty unhappy ones....and d poor happy ones and d rich happy ones...and happiness i mean wat is dat?..its not why we're alive...becoz if we wer always meant to be happy i belive jesus would always hav been happy and he certainly wasnt...all he did was keep his father happy..so shouldnt dat be our life's goal too?..to keep our Father happy..becoz after all He created us and knows what will make us happy!..
*feels like she got a weird balla off her stonku*..*nd now re-reads her sentence and realises shes a total pepe!*
insomma so lately i wrote this..and found a pretty tune for it..basically im thinking..we all procrastinated a bit during o levels..thinking in summer we'll hav laods of time and get bak to our quiet times and rly get close to God and get fit and blablabla (all those other promises we made to ourselves)...which hav all ended up like new years resolutions...not being fulfilled..and jsut being airy fairy thoughts dat we never put to action..*maaa*
so like im not sure how this song is related actually but here it is..sum thoughts from God xD:
Are your hearts too hard to take it in?
you have eyes...but can't you see?
You hav ears can't you hear?
Don't you remember...anything at all?
chorus:
what about the 5,000 i fed?
what about the blood that i shed?
i've healed ppl with one touch
for you i gave so much..
why can't you see clearly?
Don't you understand even yet?
Scattered sheep; lost souls; once for all
you were sent looking for...
something to fulfill..your empty core..
chorus:
what about the 5,000 i fed?
what about the blood that i shed?
i've healed ppl with one touch
for you i gave so much...
why can't you see clearly?
.....anwaaaayss...if uve managed to get to d end of my blog..*well done! xD*...il be glad to inform u dat il contiue spillin some other time..i mean like d thing dat happened at exiles..illa ive thought of so many "morals of the story"..dat like il need to write a book about dat incident xD..but for now il let u live...
im gna go read my bible and think about things dat matter and not thigns dat pls me for d moment...lets get back to God ppls..i think..actually i'm sure..its d only way we can change the world..
Blessingsss
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
If I had come home on time...*xD*
haha..ok all my blog titles will begin with "if" from now on..(not dat i promise many blogs but anyway =P)
so i got grounded..how funny is dat??..considering no1 in my family ever got grounded.. lol.. so i came home a bit b4 midnight..nd apparently i wasnt meant to on a weekday..*but did my mum ever tell me this? of course not lool*...and like my key dnt open d front door..*becoz sam locked it from inside nd our door's mad* nd i had to wake up my mum!! hence more trouble lol...nd so i got grounded haha
and like since im not at home a lot i get blamed for nething dat happens wen im not around lol
for example: xD sum1 bit a bounty and left it upstairs open...nd it got infested with ants...*obviously*..and i got d blame..but like dude i wouldnt hav left half a bounty chocolate uneaten on my desk im not daft!! xD
sooo if i had come home on time i wudnt hav been wriitng this stupid blog becoz i wud be gettin ready to go to sliema and "dye" my hair blonder with lemons, eggs and cinammon and my luvly friends lilly and beppe hahaha
newaaays haha summers been good.. now my plans are..to call d creche and ask wen i can go help... to call my piano teacher and ask wen i can go for lessons..nd to start a ballet class again after d ballet exams finish....
*gets out list of otehr things she must do in summer* :
so i got grounded..how funny is dat??..considering no1 in my family ever got grounded.. lol.. so i came home a bit b4 midnight..nd apparently i wasnt meant to on a weekday..*but did my mum ever tell me this? of course not lool*...and like my key dnt open d front door..*becoz sam locked it from inside nd our door's mad* nd i had to wake up my mum!! hence more trouble lol...nd so i got grounded haha
and like since im not at home a lot i get blamed for nething dat happens wen im not around lol
for example: xD sum1 bit a bounty and left it upstairs open...nd it got infested with ants...*obviously*..and i got d blame..but like dude i wouldnt hav left half a bounty chocolate uneaten on my desk im not daft!! xD
sooo if i had come home on time i wudnt hav been wriitng this stupid blog becoz i wud be gettin ready to go to sliema and "dye" my hair blonder with lemons, eggs and cinammon and my luvly friends lilly and beppe hahaha
newaaays haha summers been good.. now my plans are..to call d creche and ask wen i can go help... to call my piano teacher and ask wen i can go for lessons..nd to start a ballet class again after d ballet exams finish....
*gets out list of otehr things she must do in summer* :
- Hav a romantic walk with elaine xD
- play playstation at beppe (haha yey i can tick this one coz i played...he has a very cute family ta..nd an out of tune piano xD)
- get fit..(i plan on stretching today at night wen its a bit cooler xD)
- play piano (..haha well this is easy..ive written like 2 songs this summer..yes in these past few days lol..im luving pianotime...il show u all my songs one time wen u come over xD)
- babysit..(ive been meaning to call my aunts to go help maa i forgot!)
- visit school..(iiiiiii dorotheans...we hav to do our walk ta! xD)
- write letters...(woooops...feeliin lazy and havent started writing letters to all my luvly friends xD..i will eventaully..and i hav to do schoolleavings as well!!)
haha dat was my list dat i made in class...but der wer more like..hook up with a tourist..and like cook pumpkin soup (luv ya el =P)...and like make a cold winter party in an airconditioned room xD...haha newaaaayy.....
i am currently missing zoe and achie because i havent seen dem for a whole day! xD...nd i miss all my doretheans specially drea..(who i had a date wit)..,el, d twins, nd kim (who i spent a day at ghadira with)...nikky, max and lilly..(who i...saw a film wit yesterday? haha and met at ghadira last time xD)...nd insomma all my other lovers dat i miss while i stay home being groudned lool*sayin dat sounds so wierd*
wat a shallow blog..dnt wry i will honour u all with my reflections another time but for now just keep tuned in to GOd...*becoz he wuuuvv uuuuu nd we'll only be happy wen we live for him xD*
Bet d cool (=P brooks nd paul)
Monday, April 21, 2008
If there's ever a need...
lol..so i never liked blogs..but i created one by mistake..as i was trying to write on the fivefreinds one...so now its here..nd i dnt plan on updating it much..but if i ever need a blog its here lool.. *im so funny*..coz no1s gna knw about this..xD..but neways..it might be fun in summer..wen i hav nothing to do..but not for now lool..
blessingsss
blessingsss
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