If I could love and give back what I have...

Nobody. Nothing. Never.
Cuddled under blankets, quilts and the like.
Covers, coats, sheets and wrapping.
Menial. Dull. Humdrum.
Ignominious.
I need You to connect with me again.
To be a blink away.
You still call me Yours but I want to be so much more...
Someone who truly lives and loves like she
truly knows and lives that!

A flash, a flicker,
a wink, a glimpse,
Away from You.
Yet I feel overlooked; a blind eye turned to me.
But I'm not sure whose.

To look up love in a thesaurus
is to find a list of words...
In a Bible a list of actions
by love Himself.
I am cherished.
I am prized.
I am treasured.
I am delighted in; enjoyed.
I am loved.




I've got no title to my name;
no degrees listed,
no prizes won.
no series of achievments,
nothing extraordinary,
nothing to be impressed by,
nothing to call mine.


I like to think I'm simple
I love best as I can.
Live taking the most risks within reach.

I'm ordinary; I am nothing more than me.
Yet I am a child of a King...
The title I can never be worhty of.

Titles....They won't make me;
The more I have the more pressure,
the less I have the more simple and focused I can be...
the more single-minded and in-tune I can be.

To love; To give back what i have.
To use my life for someone else...
What does Malta need?
I seek to love, to be focused on serving...
not to be entertained but to imitate You.



"To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

Who is a God like you...?
You will again have compassion on us;
You will tread our sins underfoot
and hurl all our iniquities into the depth of the sea!"

Micah 6:8, 7:18-19

If there is a song...

This is the song...



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2x22CkAEeA
That's a better version of it that wont let me embed the video!

If that's why He came...

(8)I’m still singing hallelujah; I’m still singing hallelujah to the Lord.(8)

Somehow I’m embracing the feeling of being left alone and forgotten on a Saturday night…and I’m enjoying it. Not just in a melancholic “I’m in alone on a Saturday way”…but in an honest enjoyment. xD Just the feeling of having nobody running after me; no schedule tying me back…just time to read, write, chat to my cousins online whilst the house is quiet.


'It’s as if it weren’t me… a few months ago...a few days ago.
Someone else. Living a better life – with better friends, better moments, better figures and better quality. And now I’m just here at the side watching as it swishes past. Do I know anything other than sitting in the wings of the curtains working on props and backstage worries? Is it a good thing to live to make others shine like stars? (5-11-09)'

I journalled this a couple of days ago…excuse the depth and length but hey just in case you have nothing else to do on a Saturday night!

I don’t get it.. if God gave me my dreams, my thoughts and my talents…then all my dreams should take place…it’s like why would He give me dreams of something He doesn’t want me to do? And I’m not talking about things I simply want or look at and suddenly wish for. I’m talking about those dreams that ring in my ears day after day…those hopes and plans that I must so often surrender.
They must happen one day…He must want for them to happen if He gave me them and gives me them over and over so often.

“We do not want you to become lazy but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised.” Hebrews 6:!2


Little side note: I want to find a theory as to why I’m claustrophobic…I think it may have something to do with childbirth to be quite honest xD

Clinging to the cross is playing in the background…sometimes when you have nothing else to depend on…God-things become so much real-er don’t you think?


Sometimes I feel I’m living in fear…fear of being known.
Is it because I’m scared of new things?
The aim was to become more like You God,
More like I want to become.
I’m not a nice person
I don’t bring love TO people and the good OUT of people.

I simply condemn, fail, accuse and let down.
I’m simply not a loving person.
There’s so much I need to be healed from;
Too much that I lack…
I’m scared to rock the boat.
I don’t like change or disagreement.
Differences, they get to me…
Quarrels for some reason I can’t point out, petrify me.


I keep the peace I’m sacred to make.
I can’t live as a keeper if that’s not the way
My maker wants me.

So let’s make peace firstly with myself…
It bugs me that I break, it bugs me that I’m not super human
It bugs me that it’s hard to depend on people,
It bugs me that in the world’s eyes these precious vulnerable moments are hated,
It bugs me that I want to be in control, that I live for just me, that it’s hard to surrender,
That I feel weak, that fear and helplessness can paralyze me,
that analysis doesn’t always lead to solutions,
and solutions aren’t always what I want!

It bugs me that tears wont flow and
It’s difficult to make peace though I know…
I need that peace of mind that only God can offer me!

Help me forgive myself? Grace me with the abandonment and surrender I long to give you?
Help me trust all I need to? Be bold as much as I wish to?
It hurt…when I felt used.
It hurt… when they didn’t understand
When I expected them too.
It hurt…when they didn’t give me what I needed.

See? Wrong mentalities! I’m doing it all for me!
This life. That’s why I’m doing it. Change me! Save me!

“He said that this was what He was coming to do – to bring freedom, healing, forgiveness, restoration then and now.”

My coping strategies keep failing yet I refuse to go to Jesus first!

“I stand at the door and knock…to come in and share a meal with you.” ( Rev. 3:20)

It’s hard to confess a thought such as this, but sometimes I’m scared of being boring. I have a fear of being unwanted… rejected if I’m not solid. Why do You want to come in? Yet why am I believing the lies that I’m unlovable?

*I’m skipping parts…it’s a way too long entry…xD after a lot more rambling I felt totally freed…*

Freed from worries of the future
Freed from thoughts that say I’ll be alone and unhappy; without a purpose.
Music’s singing out violently. Battles are raging…My freedom! You won it and have given it to me.
…You listen when I speak…you’re trying to show me You care. I shouldn’t expect to be ignored when I approach Love itself! I need more ‘out-of-this-world’ expectations when I come to you!

I may be failing to reach my unattainable standards. But whose standard am I going to live to aspire to? It’s ok to not reach their standards if You say so…Rid me of any false guilt.


Ok…I’m ending of real :)… Latest song-in-the-making….

I’m not sure whether you thought of it this way
I’d hate it though if this is how it’s gonna stay.

I was never meant to be born in a world that’s about me.
Sky was never meant to stay grey once the rain has come and gone.
Kids were never meant to suck thumbs for lack of food and falling crumbs.

He walked in, the passage cleared; the people sneered.
We wished him well and waved goodbye. He’s just gone.

He walked in, the passage filled; the people filed.
We shook his hand; didn’t let him stand. He’s just gone.

I was never meant to be born in a world that’s about me.
Sky was never meant to stay grey once the rain has come and gone.
Kids were never meant to suck thumbs for lack of food and falling crumbs.

Time is running and we wont catch up
While we’re loving our lives there are people
Who are pleading and screaming and needing
Someone to speak up, to speak up!
Coz they cannot speak for themselves…
They cannot speak for themselves.

If we could breathe air again...

If everyday was a new day...

If I'm patient in the wind...

I stopped to think about life…all the meaningless things we strive for…all the things that pass so fast; that slip right through our very own fingertips after we’ve held onto them for so long; given so much for them all this time. Everything can disappear in the flick of a finger...What am I holding onto? What am I believing?
Who am I? What do I want from God? What am I carrying with me?

All I am is a tangled web of confusion – thoughts, questions and feelings…
A lost, wondering soul…
Will you come and show me who You are?
My doubts; my uncertainties; Your faith; Your courage; a deeper trust.

I’ll sing a new song to You God,
A song of how great You are even through these foggy days where everything’s uncertain
I’ll sing of how compassionate and loving You are,
And I’ll just trust during the days I don’t feel that.
I believe You have a plan
even if I have to wander around a few more years…
I’ll believe You exist and care for me
even if I have to shed a couple of tears.
I’ll sing a new song; I’ll stick close to You,
till You satisfy my thirst; till You become the one and only answer of my questions.
I’ll sing because You’re looking at me even now in love; choosing to make Yourself known to a humanity like ours.
And thank You…for You can handle all my doubts, fears and songs.

A few weeks ago, when my head was still in this confused state I thought I’d do something on the abnormal side for an autumn/winter night.
I walked upstairs to the roof and stood outside looking at Valletta, with the wind blowing my hair, and making me cling to my jumper as thought it were something precious I didn’t want to lose rather than an old ‘inside-jumper’. The view was a bit hazy. I couldn’t see clearly with the wind, rain, mist and fog.
Perhaps my future’s the same…
Bright and promising but not revealed just yet. Maybe I have to wait for the sun to rise in the morning to see the beauty ahead.
So I simply prayed that as I’m patient in the wind, God would be with me…So I won’t have to budge; I can just gently sway in His arms because I honestly believe my days belong to Him.


“Remember!” I hear the word ringing in my ears...But...There are so many things to remember…apart from names of body parts, plant structures, chemical equations, routines, relationships and floating music notes.


What about all those suffering, alone…out in the cold; or boiling hot – squashed and claustrophobic? Unknown, unheard of, misunderstood. What about them? Those nobody makes a film about, those nobody sings a song to, those nobody writes a book for? Do they belong to You to? And will they ever know it if I sit here another night?

And if we don’t remember what He did for us how can we tell anyone what He can do for them? Wake up! *Mental Note: That’s another thing to remember.*



So tonight as I went through my mental to-do-list, it began to rain – and the rain taught me something. To be very honest I’m not even sure what it taught me. But…it’s raining. Raining drops of heavenly hope…new beginnings… burdens dripping off along with the dirt that weighed me down. Perhaps with the rain God’s pouring out blessings onto me now too. Refreshing. The stress fizzles out when it’s put into the light of eternity. I feel as though I’m standing outside, soaking wet, in a new different sort of love; a new different sort of freedom.

So for all those whose night was ruined due to the rain, my sincerest apologies.


*on a lighter note:
– My room’s taking shape
- Tower of pebbles has been stuck to wardrobe (you have to see it to believe how cool it is)
- The red piano is great
- Hours of playing piano everyday can do funny things to your emotions.
Good, Bad? I Can’t decide.
- God has a funny sense of humour. But He’s enough and He loves me and understands me. =)

- I’ve cried in 3 movies this week as opposed to rarely every crying in a movie.

- Songwriting is almost turning into music writing lately…exciting things ahead xD

- I dreamt of an orchestra of electric guitars…One day I’ll write a real orchestral work into different electric guitar parts and it will sound good like it did in my dream.
- ‘Everlasting’ is being used on TV weekly -> www.youtube.com/knisjamalta

-If you think nobody remembered you you're wrong...I'm writing this for you!xD ...whoever you may be!

- I love Yanica very much despite my absence this evening.*

If my Nanna could read blogs...

I’m sitting here on the laptop, with a gentle breeze making it cool enough for me to enjoy a mug of tea, trying to think of my earliest memory of my nanna (Grandmother).

I had been meaning to write a letter to her for over a year now. Perhaps I never got down to it because I simply procrastinated but I think a more accurate reason for the time wasted is a fear of not managing to put to words everything I wanted to say and express. But i decided to give it a try anyway!

There’s a photo somewhere of her holding me, when I was a fragile baby just a few days old, at our flat in Msida... and it made me think. It made me think of all the things she did for the whole family that went unnoticed; the things she sacrificed and gave up to keep the peace; the time she invested in baking, cooking, sewing and knitting just to make a person or two feel loved; and the many moments she lived, both lovely and difficult, that went by without being photographed in this same idealistic way.

I realised there are so many things I love about her yet so few times I let her know about them.


I love it when she says stories about the past, in a ‘let-me-share-and-teach-you-what-I’ve-been-through’ way rather than in a‘it-was-such-a-better-time’ way. Honestly, i enjoy hearing about how she used to escape to the shelter with her siblings when they heard the sounds of German bombers. Or how her jaw-dropping voice was discovered when she was singing at home with her sister. And even how she gave up singing in Operas to be with my nannu (who decided he wanted to marry her as soon as he saw her!). These, along with the many other stories she frequently tells, will always be remembered and will somehow always manage to bring a smile to my face.

*Second mug of tea is now joining me xD*

Many times when I come back from Bidnija or Xemxija I think about what was said at our crazy family gatherings that day. There’s so much I learn about everyone by just sitting and observing – and I honestly think it’s one of the best passtimes ever!
There’s so much more I learnt about Nanna apart from how well she can bake and cook (mmm who doesn’t love her cakes, her ‘ross il-forn’, her cookies and her pies?!).
I learnt that Nanna can be the hero when someone needs comfort, the compassionate one when someone to cry with is needed and the encourager who shouts praises and blows trumpets for all to hear when someone’s down! You can be sure that if you’ve achieved or done something that you want everyone to know about, telling Nanna is the wisest thing to do! And that’s why we love her...be honest! We think she’s great and we love it when she laughs, we love it when she sings while she cooks, and we love it when she asks us ‘to be an angel’.



I appreciate the fact that she takes interest in the little things that go on in my life. She knows about the friends I have, the things I’m studying, the shows I’m taking part in, the piano pieces I’m playing and the songs that I’m writing! *fuzzy feeling inside because I feel really loved and lucky* Many Nanna’s are sweet and interested but tend to forget things but my Nanna remembers every little detail and notices even when I buy a new dress or bag and quickly compliments, easily making my day!



Some people think their Nannas are close-minded or not understanding, but something I love about my Nanna is that she’s ready to pour out her love to anyone that comes her way (and by that I mean she’s ready to feed you, sit with you, eat with you, chat with you and perhaps even play a game of scrabble with you– what more could you ask for? =D)
Not only is she very open minded but she’s even up for a bit of harmless vandalism every now and again. Who could resist writing their initials on the bathroom door of the oldest restaurant in Europe on their 80th birthday? (That will forever be the funniest moment we’ll remember!)

Just a few days ago she told me to be careful with the internet; to be careful with what I expose to the whole world on Facebook, blogs and MSN conversations *yes she’s that updated! xD* and I guess I could be going against her wishes by posting this but I just want to show how I appreciate her!

Nanna, if there’s one thing I’d like to tell you with this letter/blog, it’s that you are truly inspirational and a huge part of my life (and I believe all my cousins, aunts and uncles would strongly agree). Thank you for loving us all even when nobody appreciates or sees all the hard work you put into everything! Thank you for being fair with us all! Thank you for continuing to love us even if you do not agree with everything we do!
So be encouraged! You’re impacting a lot of lives! I hope you can go back to this when you’re having a bad day and allow it to cheer you up!


Going back to the photo I mentioned in the beginning, I think this quote seems to sum it all up!

“Grandmas hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our hearts forever.”

*************************************************
Just to add some fun to the blog...here’s what some people think about Nannas and some fun quotes about them!


* They both spoil me and may worry needlessly about the stuff I do but I love them to bits!!

* They're amazing :) make great chocolate cakes and r so much fun to spend time with!

*A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of the television.

*If your baby is "beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time," you're the grandma.
-- Teresa Bloomingdale

*My grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world. And after two or three hours with them, I believe it, too ~ Gene Perret

*What a bargain grandchildren are! I give them my loose change, and they give me a million dollars' worth of pleasure ~ Gene Perret

**************************************************

Now i’m seriously ending this...(of real!)
“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels not demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us form the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39

If August could come back around...

Sadly I've realised I've let August go by without blogging :(...Perhaps it was due to the fact that so much went on and I had so many thoughts it was hard to stop and share...but I'm promising a blog in the near future xD
For achie...
perhaps for myself too..
:)

If what is down in the well will come up in the bucket...

I've waited so long for this perfect setting - a quiet dark house, a gentle sea breeze, a pretty view of lights reflecting on the water and the stars in the sky, and soft,relaxed music playing in the background, (an apple in my hands xD) - so now that this moment has arrived i couldn't help but attempt blogging out some of my thoughts!

So i've been on this crazy roller coaster ride this past month thinking about my future and all that...(hmmm you may all be dreading me goin on about my life and dilemmas but who knows...someone out there might relate to something)...It's been a mix between chasing my dreams no matter what and thinking logically; doing God's will and just going for what seems to be my easy way out...Continuing to persevere or giving up what seems pointless...
The other day i was on the bus and the Bidnija feilds inspired me to write this...

"It's not about becoming famous or earning as much as I can...
It's not even about reaching my full "intelligent" potential...
Somehow it has to be all about You and Your will...
About furthering your kingdom and making Your glory increase
whilst forgetting my own.
It's about making an impact,
being in the right place at the right time...
all about changing lives slowly but surely.
Can i do that? Show me how..."

So i haven't reached any conclusions but I'm keeping all my options open and I;m goin to attempt trying my hardest in my A's whether I have to go in for medicine, pharmacy, a songwriting school, a classical music school or a gap year doing some other random thing!

Another of my laments lately sounded like this.... *awaiting some emo comments from Paul and brooks but hey i think i;ll live xD*

I need you to understand that nobody understands...
everything has changed..
things are always changing and there's no such thing
as a perfect past or a future too dull...

On another note...xD lately i;ve been reading and thinking about words...the power they have to break people, build people, heal or cheer, put down or encourage, kill or bring to life...etc. I mean how long do words linger in someone's heart? How far can kind words take someone?
I've been wondering why we would never carelessly fling a lit match out of a car window while passng a forest and yet many times we carelessly chuck fiery words as we pass through life.
Some quotes that got me thinking were these....

How many people stop because so few say "Go"!

A word is dead when it is said, some say. I say it just begins to live that day.

Words- so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become, in the hands of one who knows how to combine them!



Ok so this is getting extremely long but if you have any energy in you left give this a read...now or later is fine with me xD...it's sort of dedicated to my D-group and may be a bit vague to people who don't really know me but hey:


I can so clearly remember thinking about what first made me move away from people and not trust...And when I did recall it my D-group where all there listening, asking questions and showing love.
After I explained my situation with my mother, family and friends with alot of tears and sniffling, I looked up to see many of the girls listening, also in tears or hunched positions on Nikky's big bed. Then she said the phrase that's still ringing in my ears to this day, with watery eyes... "I'm hurting with you. I'm feeling your pain and what you explained."
They've stuck...her words, full of sensitivity and compassion stuck with me...they still mean so much to me. That someone would try and succeed at feeling what I felt. Perhaps it's true...there's no better thing to say than "I'm hurting with you."
World...I know you've been through so much...So much I can't fathom...So much I'm sure I'll never understand, feel or even witness...but I'm hurting with you!
When nobody sees what's going on and there's way too much piled up...i want to be hurting with you...I'm trying to feel your pain and enter your world!


And thinking about it...my God did that too...He came down to earth and went through what we did so that he could say those all important words..."I'm hurting with You."

"World, I'm hurting with you!"

If you need topics to think about....

This should only take me about two minutes to type..here we go xD...some quotes from around...

- Do not be afraid; keep on speaking, do not be silent. For I am with you and no one is going to attack and harm you because I have many people in this city. (Acts 18: 9-10)

- I want to be a rebel with a holy cause

- The irony of masks is that although we wear them to make other people think well of us, they are drawn to us only when we take them off.

- You can only be loved to the extent that you are known. You can only be completely loved if you are completely known.

- Knowing and loving people is like riding a bicycle. Too much looking down to see how one is doing and whether the machinery is working properly means that one will lose balance and fall off.The thing to do is look where one wants to go and then go! It is better to go hard on a fualty bike than to sit looking at oneself on a perfect one.

- The final stage in any human relationship is the moment when words become an actual hindrance to communication. They get in the way beacuse they cannot express what one wants to express. Only silence can do that. It is not an empty silence but a silence charged with rich meaning like a thundercloud heavy with rain.

If it...

It’s so easy to get caught up in my own world of happy families, cheery relationships, and good intentions.
Easier still to forget everyone else out there; their wounded worlds, fragile friendships and damaged deeds.
So easy to boil some pasta, toast some bread, write a song, poem or good lyric but it’s easier still to believe black is non-existent in this colourful place.
Yet times like these I forget any good in the world and the blackness seems to reign.
People’s hurts seem to be staining my heart; scarring my trail of thoughts.
I know that I should know this world is black more often than not, and rarely full of only the good and pleasurable but I still can’t understand why things are the other way around – for some and not others.
It’s not fair to be happy. It’s not fair for bad things to happen. So what is fair?


Why do lives start out great but end tragically? Who can understand why some sail through beautiful oceans whilst others struggle to simply stay afloat?... Why some snails are stepped on while others are avoided? Can anyone find fair reasoning to life?
What on earth did I ever do…to deserve my house, my family and my lifestyle?
Perhaps my life’s one performance. A performance of a sad, slow, pensive piece of music. A piece of music that can make some cry and others smile; smiles and tears that can change lives –perhaps ruin others. Who’s going to be clapping for me when I’m done? At the end of my poor performance who will remain sitting faithfully with eyes full of love and a heart full of hope? Won’t they all realise my vulnerability? Won’t my ungrateful, hating attitude be evident enough for all to abandon me?
Will I say “Thank You Very much” or run and hide my face in a scrap of material?


Try picture this… Standing there in a white dress, in the middle of a circle, with rays of light shining and purity singing out. Yet, from every direction the blackness is slowly creeping in. Someone dies – the dress has black paint on its fringes. A sharp word is said – dirt is flung onto it. Someone leaves – a tear appears. Once abandoned – more black paint. Twice abandoned – more dirt. As time goes by, it creeps in… slowly yet surely. The purity slowly ruined; the blackness seemingly taking over. Sitting there weeping doesn’t bother the darkness; the crying doesn’t clean the dirt. It gradually entangles itself into, onto, over and under the pure whiteness…until.. it’s all gone. No more white. Just black. Engulfed. Entangled. And static. A black web – of confusion, thoughts, prayers and misunderstandings.
What if that’s where we’re all heading for? It just happens at different times to different people. Perhaps we’re all heading to a state of total helplessness. The only place of complete surrender – because we have no other choice.
It suddenly gets comfortable. A realization sets in, that loneliness was a lie. Distractions invade – entertainment readily presents itself. It’s too easy to get lost in it. I’d like to think that suddenly, from the dark, dirty place a sudden bright light appears and all of a sudden the reverse takes place…the glorious white takes over the black and all reaches perfection once again.
But… it stays black. Scars are carried; thoughts linger. And this is the hope! Look! That’s all that’s left to do! Eyes soon open to realize what’s being done! The black; the dirt – they’re simply tools. Tools that are carried around day after day. Simply remembering about them may bring pain but using them makes the weight of carrying them around all worth it.


Lord, as my heart breaks for those I cannot help, may you be their comfort. If you can comfort them, then can you bring peace to my heart? Can you show me where and how I can do more? Will you give me a compassionate heart? One that’s sensitive to those around me and to those I cannot see. Let me not become oblivious to the millions of screams I hear everyday. And…Lord if all I can do is pray…may you make me more committed to intercession. To praying for those you love that are being mistreated! Break me. Mould me. Change me………help me

If Behind The Scenes were exposed...

If you’ve ever taken part in a production such as a Soiree, or a musical, or a play or in my case a ballet show, you’d know about the hustle and bustle taking place behind the scenes. The smells of costumes and musty changing rooms; the sounds of excited chatter and people warming up; the fast pace in which everyone’s getting ready and doing themselves up to go out on the stage and be in the spotlight. After days of rehearsals, and hours of run-throughs all that matters are those few minutes, of performing on stage. They zoom past without allowing too much to sink in. As soon as you’re out on stage, time flies and it’s all over and you find yourself at another cast party or dinner, reminiscing about all the rehearsals you previously complained about.



I think our lives are a big stage (I know…talk about cheesy metaphor right?). So much goes on behind the scenes that it’s hard to say someone fully knows us. Think about it. If the audience would have seen the dress-rehearsal of any show they would be shocked. They’re usually horrendous in comparison to the real show (my, a day can make such a difference!) If they knew how many swear words were flung; how many times the same props were taken in and out; and the amount of tears that went into it they’d be gobsmacked…perhaps disgusted. I believe many of us treat our lives the same way. We long to tell people “If only you could know what’s really going on behind the scenes…behind this performance…this mask…you’d be horrified and never come back.” Even though we might not be hiding, there still is that lack of someone who has been through all the things we have to fully understand what goes on in our “Behind-the-Scenes”.


All the hard work that goes into performances may even go overlooked as it is performed perfectly on the night of the show. How we wish sometimes for people to acknowledge our effort and hard work. We long for encouragement after days of trying to pray more and be more patient for example, but sometimes nobody recognizes just how much time we’re putting into helping others, or how many painful memories we’re trying to get rid of just to forgive. It all goes unappreciated.


Other times we’re just glad we can keep those shameful bloopers to ourselves. But it’s a huge relief to know…That there’s someone who has been to every rehearsal; has seen every mistake; has watched every re-run and imperfect dress-rehearsal; was there when our costumes and masks got ruined…and still chooses to be a part of this long performance, also known as our life. God actually wants to be a part of our lives even after seeing every thing we’ve been through and everything we’ve done. It’s because of this that He can truly understand us to our deepest beings.


I promise if I had more time I’d write forever about this topic because performances and recitals, and God and life are favourite topics of mine…but I guess studies don’t permit and I should go continue. So…Blessings to all! Break a leg! Make history with your lives and show others you appreciate them! Don’t be scared to dig deep and invest time in getting to know someone!


*My inspiration came from this song..i put together a simple video with photos of past performances just for the fun of it!Enjoy!*

If you need a light break...

If I stand here lifting empty hands...

"I'm so grateful that the thing i can't escape is You!"
=) Great lyric...!

Why is it whenever i feel like thinking, so many things come up..studies, friends, outings...So many things start coming between me and God, and me and sorting out my own head...I wondered a couple of weeks ago...xD..nd i can't say i've found the answer ( u knw wat?..this time i'm not even goin to apologize for the random unorganised-ness of my blog, i'm just going to enjoy it..=) )

Misunderstood: lack of someone who understands; incorrectly interpretted.
"There is no worse lie than a truth misunderstood by those who hear it."
Understood: to perceive and comprehend the nature and significance/ to know thoroughly by close contact and long experience with..

I go to God every night to find peace of mind in the fact that someone out there understands me...knows me because of "close contact" with me...WoW!
Wow because the person who knows me inside out is the King of the Universe...and Almighty God! I'm blessed =)
This world's not about me or myself being understood..it's about giving glory to Him whether i'm understood or not...i want to make Him understood with my life, actions and words!
He defines me; He gives me worth; He restores me.

"In this world you will have trouble but take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Last point...which i learnt from Facebook.
Everyone changes their status in preparation for a massive night ahead...And so I'm going to join them...
in being ready for a huge night ahead of me...a night where God is going to do things to blow my mind away! This is His night and I know Hiw plans are beyond imagination..(even if we have to learn about the fruit in the long long long run)

My heart's empty and thristing
My soul is tired and expectant

Perhaps this is my time in between
but He's here with me and
Here it is He wants me to be...
I feel like an athlete warming up...
Itching to start my sprint
And reach the goal ahead of me!

I don't have to agree with the world...and I was never meant to. My actions should stand out to be full of love and humility...but how can I ever be all that?
How can i enter the presence of God? How can i ask Him to fill me? I am 100% not worthy..Yet...the same power that conquered the grave is living in me and tonight...
the love that rescued the earth will come to live in me again.....


=) *smiley-sigh*

If ne one has anymore ideas...

Had to list all my distractions of the morning xD..enjoy

- read all my 16th birthday cards and they made me cry

- looked through all my old photo albums and they made me laugh

- Couldn't get further than one face on a rubix cube!

- tried on all my dresses and liked none

- actually watched lanf's videos! *now dats sad!*

-entertained myself by reading the ingredients of a face cream

- fixed the backboard of my bed

-ate rucola for the first time..*im not sure if it was bleh or not*

hah i wonder what my aftrenoon and night of studying will look like at this rate...

If mina doesn't have copyright.. xD

i was thinking of doing a mina-style blog...promising to get back to real, me-style bloggin in 2 weeks time..so keep your eyes peeled! xD
woke up
cereal
call form achie
ran up the hill
double bio
happybday bev
busybee
long walk to uni
studied
walked home for lunch
back to uni
studied some more
walked to jers car
drove to jones
waited in car to avoid being too early or too late *lol* xD
2 hrs of jones private lessons
home
couscous
back to my study
attempting to study but being distracted by blogging...
hey presto that was my day!! xD twas a gd one while it lasted =P
blessings to u all..2 weeeks aaaaaaaaaaaa gleee

p.s. i hav finished this day with a less pencil and ruler xD

If i felt like..

I thought i felt like bloggin... i guess i'm wrong xD

If the world could hear The Crisis...

I'm not sure why but this piece of music makes me think...

If all days could be so pensive I'd write a book...xD

So Achie asked me to blog somewhere, sometime today..and I guess i'm easily influenced and couldn't resist blogging after such a pensive day.
However it's not gonna be a typical me blog..you see my thoughts are still too unorganised to add up to a decent blog...but i will just leave you with a few of the things that were on my mind today...and i might elaborate on these topics some other time.

First of all something i wrote a few days ago which you can all interpret for yourselves because i don't think i should explain it just yet:

"It took a stupid incident like that to make me realize my Holy Lord and God still lives and still reigns over this world that seems lost... and over my life that seems aimless.
It took a hurt to draw me back closer; a misunderstanding to make me dive deeper into knowledge, truth and understanding. "


Secondly....today i was searchin for song-writing schools and one of the questions this certain school asked their musicians was.."What is your favourite word?"...nd i thought about it and have decided mine is....*drumroll*

EXUBERANT
Dictionary: ex•u•ber•ant

1. Full of unrestrained enthusiasm or joy.
2. Lavish; extravagant.
3. Extreme in degree, size, or extent.
4. Growing, producing, or produced abundantly; plentiful: “Threads of her exuberant hair showed up at the bottom of the sink” (Anne Tyler). See synonyms at profuse.

Again..this is to be further explained another time xD....coz this leads to my third trail of thought of the day....I want to go to a music school..take a gap year perhaps...go to come song-writing school..or sumting of the sort...do something out of the ordinary u knw?...But after thinking about it...I concluded if God wants me to go to uni then i'll go..and if i'm meant to take a gap year or not go to uni at all...then let that happen! =)

And finally xD
Pain?...why aren’t we grateful for it?...Why don’t we expect to feel it?

Those were Bettina's thoughts of the day...enjoy thinking about them!
This song's actually rly good if you'd care to give it a listen =)...it's God-centered...lately all the songs are "ME/I" centered..and im sick of them..
(hah another thought and i wasn't even aware of it)



Blessings!

If i were at the centre of it...

Not expecting any of you to read right through this in one go...but wen ur tired of studying come read some more...xD these are a couple of the thoughts i've had in the past month..nd i thought i'd share...


4-3-09

I will pull closer; the winds won’t cause me to drift away…
The stress won’t wear my strength out…for I have no strength
But I can do all things through the strength
Of the God living within me!

“God our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble.
We will not fear, though the earth gives way
And the mountains fall into the heart of the sea…
God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
He lifts his voice; the earth melts.” Ps. 46:1-3, 5-6

Will I work off my thoughts…?
Or busy my day? So that not one minute is left for Your input?
Will distractions forever bombard me like a hailstorm?

Little things still pinch my heart. Grown up but broken down.
I’m not allowed to melt….
The hard shell exterior is for some reason
Still wanted by the dying, deteriorating world.

Your love is more beautiful than ever; It can satisfy.

You remain a mighty storm in my frailest days…
Even though emotions can be brittle, breakable flowers,
And feelings are presented in bright colours,
Hiding truths and lessons in dull shadows.

I want to know You. I want to make my heart right;
To get my self-worth firmly grounded into a reservoir of Your acceptance.
Form my character; don’t left it be put in the world’s cookie-cutter;
I want to boldly stand out! I don’t want to be formed by a worldly form.

I don’t want to stand out as the one who has it all but as the one
Who received it all from the One who gives it all!
As I crumble, I cry, I need your love if I’m expected to give any!
I need your grace; your boldness; your honesty and Your willingness to sacrifice!

I’m going to be still, to stop and know that You are God…
In an empty house; a maddening life and a busy schedule…
This silence reminds me You’re near…
This peace assures me Your strength will never leave me!


16-03-09
Lord, You thought of even me…You think of even me!
You gave all to me; for me..
And I have nothing to offer back!
Nothing can I give Lord…but a broken heart
And a couple of tears…
Some hours of work and a bit of my time…
Take my feelings of helplessness…
Make something good of my messes and stupid moves.
My stupid motives and fixations…
All the lies I’ve chosen to believe…
Please free me form them all!
In you I find perfect love…
And perfect love drives out all fear!


19-03-09
There’s a heaviness in my soul..
A cry that no one has yet heard of…
A sadness for this world that fades..
Without knowing the truth.

Tears from an unborn child or dying patient
That have gone unheard for so long…
People have shut out so many truths…
To believe things that lead them to dark, lonely places.

They’ve become oblivious to Your sacrifice.
We live thinking we have conqoured the world..
We fall believing we’ll never get back up…
Your offering gets pushed aside.

Your gift of grace and forgiveness is greater than life
But we still choose to live life without it!

I’m not sure how much I can do…
I can’t explain myself let alone who You are!
I’m helpless and afraid but I give You full control.
I want to do this not because there is no other option…
But because You are my best option!


....................................................................................


I get these feelings of inferiority every time…
May I face them…deal with them…and overcome them
With the strength of my God!

My soul is not complete in being the best or being perfect…only in You.
Not in creating the most beautiful symphonies or writing the best lyrics…only in You.
Not in reaching the top; knowing the most or being in charge…only in You.
Not in perfecting my face, my body, my health or my clothes…only in You.
I won’t be loved more or loved less If I was ideal; a hero; perfect.
I’m loved AS IS…by the King of the Universe…the King of my soul and my world!


So this is it…my feelings on display…
For all to see…and to know they are not alone
And you are the one who can help them overcome.
It’s all for your glory!



21-03-09

It’s a bit overwhelming
Yet there’s nothing I could want more
To pass on what I’ve learned
And to have people embrace it.

24-03-09
It’s funny or maybe just predictable…
It’s all unseen and the only thing one can do is assume…
It’s all been worked on before but it was secretly suffered…
Diving into the unknown of success or failure…
With the “will it help?” question unanswered.
The ones who caused it applaud it…
The tears turn to smiles and polite “Thank You’s”
…and I’m not even sure that’s a good thing....


25-03-09
Like smoke I’m blown away by the wind
Like wax before the fire I melt…

26-03-09
I wish I could put words to my wondering
Tunes to my thoughts…


27-03-09
We try to elevate ourselves by putting others down…
But at the end of the day people will think highly of us
When we lift others up…not when we put them down!

28-03-09

Misunderstood..
Leading to frustration..
Leading to actions that are unthought-of and unplanned; unwanted…
Actions leading to hurts and hurts to fights…
Leading to more eruptions all dwindling further and further and further from the root.
But what is the root of the problem?
Is there one specific thing we can point the blame at?
Or is it a web of intertwined lives, conversations and circumstances…
Words that injure come from the injured
Words full of love come from the ones who know they are loved…

I could take everything that happened in life and blame it on something in the past…
And I could go back and even further back…
But will I ever get anywhere?
Or does it all start the day we were born?
When our imperfect selves entered the world…
Help me to forgive…not to blame.
To continue loving…not to pay back.
To do good…not to blow up.


.....................................................................


When I wonder where the ears that care seem to be,
I sometimes find myself walking lonely through a maze…
Simply searching solitarily…
And I could search forever because I’m never to be fully understood.
Nobody’s been through the exact things I have…
So nobody’s character was formed the way mine has…
So nobody can fully understand me.
I’m constantly changing…
Sometimes I can’t even catch up with myself let alone…
But…God…Lord…You understand…don’t you?




29-3-09
Why do we think putting people down lifts us up?
Makes us higher? ...When in fact it’s the opposite!
When we put others down they think of us more lowly…
When we encourage and lift others up they think more highly of us…
So what’s fooled us?
Into thinking being the best; the highest…will make us happiest?

You were right…who is first comes last…
And who’s is last will come first.




Give me faith for the rocky times…
To hold on and remain trusting You can lead me
And see me through!
I want to return home…
To a place I feel comfortable, safe and understood…
I want to runaway from anything that pushes me out of my comfort zone…
I wish simplicity would reign sometimes in the world
But this attitude can’t be right…
“Yet I am poor and needy; come quickly to me, o God.
You are my help and my deliverer o Lord, do not delay.” Ps. 70:5



31-3-09

Sometimes I feel like I’m screaming silently
Wondering I’m left…waiting; wallowing
Helpless I remain hoping haphazardly

My life seems to lack order and a plan
Directions are sometime accepted but
More often than not pushed off…

I claim I don’t like being told what to do…
But some days deciding for myself is the hardest.
Tick me off the list world…
My ideas are finished…my originality has run dry…
God’s my only inspiration…and motivation
Tick me off the list…
You don’t need to waste your time on me
You’ve done enough good deeds for the week…
I’ll survive alone with my Jesus.







2-04-09
You got me from silent dark places
To brighter ones…
I don’t know how you got me through the harder years…
And I’m not sure if I’ve grown up or toughened up…
And which is best?
Did my heart mature or grow cold?
As I lie here in the dark tonight I feel your peace
Coz I know you’re in control even though
I’m not certain as to where I’m going…
But I can’t help remember the nights I spent
Hurting, crying, alone and misunderstood by the world…
How’d that happen?
To someone who seemed to have such a perfect life from the outside…I wonder…
Maybe it’s coz we’re all the same…
Maybe we all cry and get ticked off lists after all.

There are so many things battling inside me…
There’s a war going on and my soul’s screaming
Being pushed and pulled and torn apart!
My head’s spinning as I try to make heads and tails
Of what exactly is going on!
Is this the distress you saved me from?
As comments, words, people and the past
Swirl around my mind…
I’m the one left with the decision…
What to keep and what to leave behind!
Don’t go…stay with me here…
Surround me anew with the comfort
I once so well knew!


So many things led to my conversion…
It’s not even funny how I spent months on little sleep…
Making sure I played the part of a peaceful resting child every night
As my parents would walk in to check if all was alright…
So many things built it up…
So many brought it down!
Everything is so clear once again…
It’s like I’m reliving those moments
Of hiding and fear of my family and friends!
I offer my prayers tonight for anyone
Feeling this way at the moment!
Take away there pain!


5-4-09
I wish I could spend days walking; thinking;
Running; praying; escaping into wide open spaces.

A breath of fresh air; a beam of sunlight;
A flowery scent; a song of a bird…
Something brightens up my day…
Something urges me to hold on and run on.

I’m going to live loud; give me your enthusiasm!
With your power, love and energy I will reach out!
I’m not living for pleasure for myself…
I’m living to serve You and others…
In the most extravagant way possible
Make me bold; hold my heart; take my emotions.
Give me your peace…your love…and a passion
For more of You!
You are my freedom; You are my rest!

“I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.
When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
At night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted.
I thought about the former days,
The years of long ago;
I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart mused and my spirit inquired.” Ps.77:1-2,6

They should all know if they long to do something or be someone
They should get down to it now!
Don’t wait for tomorrow…don’t wait for the perfect person to arrive
And make you better…
Go to God and get down to it now!
Don’t think when you’ve found the perfect
Friend, relative or partner then you’ll work on being happy
And content and enthusiastic about your life!
Seize the moment…
before you live to regret it!


6-04-09

“May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, my rock and my redeemer!” Ps.19:14




9-4-09
I want an undivided heart...
To be one-track minded…
To stay with you here tonight…
Just to be…
Just to receive…
Just to give you my full attention…
I just want to stay…here with You forever
Stay…here in Your arms where I’m safe…
Where all my worthless feelings
Are scared away by the knowledge
Of your love that drives it all away.
My heart is whole when it’s in You!

May I be at the centre of Your will for me.

If I had to write about someone i know well....

My english essay titled - A Person I Know Well


As I thought out this essay, I mentioned the title to my good friend Rachel and we ended up discussing the fact that knowing a person ‘well’ is all relative. I may believe I know someone inside out but I actually won’t. As our analysis continued, it dawned on me that after many similar conversations, I may actually know Rachel well – quite well in fact.

Rachel is a tall half-Dutch-half-Maltese seventeen year old girl, also known amongst friends as Achie, since there were once four ‘Rachels’ at a party and we had to distinguish them. Her short hair style in its playful manner and the glasses that sit crookedly on her nose, give her a friendly look, even before her bright smile is revealed.

She can be rather free-spirited when it comes to clothes. She will wear exactly what she feels like whether it is jeans and wellies, or a dress, heels and make-up, no matter the time or occasion. This is probably because of her ‘I-Live-for-God’ attitude, where she does not feel the need to impress anyone with anything more than herself. Although she is a smart know-it-all, she is always up for a laugh and eager to learn any extraordinary facts. She loves reading anything from Jane Austen, to Twilight, to the Bible. Very often she would prefer an evening with a good book than a night at a party. Her passion for writing may be linked to this fact.

She gets her creative streaks where she paints, dances, acts and takes part in the odd musical. Another thing Achie is very fond of is horse riding. Every Easter she persistently reminds us that the spring cannot go by before we all go riding together. In the winter, she also enjoys snowboarding at her Aunt’s apartment on the mountains in Switzerland.

The first time we clicked, we were both dressed up in crazy hippie costumes at a retro party. We spent the night chatting, laughing and dancing and since then have enjoyed doing countless wacky things together. We have been camping abroad; we have cleaned churches and babysat orphans; lived on a boat in Comino and even worked at a café’ together. Sometimes she can do the most unheard of things, like wearing flip-flops in the middle of February. Listening to old music and rekindling old hymns are other things she will obliviously enjoy doing, without a care in the world about other people’s critical comments and opinions.

Rachel is random and tends to use uncommon words. She has very complicated theories that amount to a simple statement, but she would only realize this after a long time. She is almost addicted to Facebook, and enjoys writing poetry, songs and blogs. Her amazing ability to go off topic compliments her love for tricky theology and anything else that gets her thinking. When asked about her religious views she is proud to answer that she is “mad about Jesus!” many times she procrastinates and complains that she is doing so again. She over analyses everything form songs, to conversations, to the colour of a wall.

People may see Achie and get the impression she is a quiet introvert. However a book should never be judged by its cover. In her I have found a friend who is not scared of depth or vulnerability; someone who is not afraid of being genuine. This kind of true friendship cannot be traded for anything, irrelevant of how “well” I may know her!

If I had to tear down "Tear It Down" ...

So for those who don't know...i hav tonsilitis! xD and i've been stuck inside since yesterday and i shud be better by thursday according to the doctor! lol
all i've been doing is reading and sleeping!! now if you had to ask me what i wanted to do last week i would have told you "I just want to sleep forever and have time on my hands to reaaad!!"
so now i;m thinking i'm quite an ungrateful chicken lol...or else...i just don't know what i want lol..
i'm enjoying my relaxedness of being sick at home...but there's always the stress of having to catch up at school when i get better, at the back of my mind...nd u know what the worst part is?? im allowed to go to school on friday..the day of my organice chemistry test lol..greeaaatt =)...*but i can't study with fever and a sore throat..xD im too distracted!*

so the new CD is out!! wooo how exciting! =)..ive dreamed of the day there would be a CD with my music..and wow it happened! (alot of the things ive been dreaming of have been coming true lately aye xD)

i think i'l just let u all in on the reasons behind some of the songs in the CD..lol
since i have nothing better to do as a sick person, and everyones still quite CD-happy .....
1. "stronger"...wow that song was the hardest to write! lol...my mum had come up to us as a band and said "we need a song for the live-in stronger..so come up with it!" xD...nd she gave us the scripture verse that they got the idea for the live-in from and we got to work...
it took us all summer!i'm not excagerating!...bringing ideas to rehearsals and ripping them to peices every time...but nothing was ever gd enough sort of xD...
nd den one fine day after hours of wasted time trying and trying to compose this song (lol)...sam just came up with the melody! nd paul started playing his guitar riff ekk....(haha i was d one who put the lyrics of the chorus together...dnt do much lol)...nd den we had to think of lyrics for verses and all that...nd it actually turned out to be a very cool, anthemy song after all that hard work in our basement all summer!


2. "This is Our prayer"... this one many of u knw..i wrote last december/january (07/08)...and my main inspiration were drea and achie =D
they were both going through hard times..and as their friend i wanted to do all i could for them as would any friend... but i ended up feeling useless coz i couldn't take away their pain sort of thing..
and so i turned to God..and wrote a song as a prayer for them..fully realising that only God can help improve their situations and the most i could do was be there to listen and give advice if needed.

3. "Tear It Down"...oo la la..the beginning of my "coming-out-of-my-shell" conversion i would say! i was so into hiding myself and my feelings... i needed someone to know how i really felt! the lyrics were actually a journal entry i had written in d middle of the night with the light of my mobile phone on my bed ...and a couple of days later when i was reading thru them a tune came to my head and tadaa...

4."Let Me Know"...Amy's song as the band knows it =) so these are amy's lyrics and i put a tune to them..and mark sings it in the album! i think it was quite a God-thing coz usually i don't manage to put tunes to lyrics that aren't my own..but it turned out to be a great nd powerful song!

5. "All I Need"...Sam and Rob G wrote this song back when Rob was still in Malta!... sam fixed the lyrics and everything a bit and there you have it...a simple yet great worship song =)

6. "I Long" this is leana's! xD she wrote it quite some time ago and then sang it to us in summer..and we found the chords and everything...nd den we tot it wud be a nice piano-y song..nd so it remained a prayerful, quieter song!

7. "It's Alright"...hah not much to say about how i wrote this song...O Levels! lol that explains it all! well honestly..this song helped me get thru those hard days during my studying period hehe...but funnily enough the lyrics of the song were written like the year b4..nd i re-found dem and wrote the music...nd it turned out to be a rly encouraging song to me and ppls who heard it.

8."Your Love Endures"...i dont know much about this one. But Mark wrote it...showed it to us in our basement one hot summer's day (xD) and we just fixed it a little bit without making any grand changes and it turned out rly gd =)...*yaaay well done mark lol*...we probably wasted more time trying to think of a cool song-name (haha sam wanted to call it something totally bizarre that had nothing to do with the lyrics) and teaching paul a riff (which wasnt used in the final recording lol)...than we did actually "fixing" the song lol...gd times gd times

9."Second Best"...people tease me saying that this is the first happy song i ever wrote coz all my other ones are a bit melancholic! lol nd probably that's because i wrote this the day i finished o levels haha..well i had been working on lyrics and a tune during o levels but i dnt hav loads of free time...so as soon as i finished i got to work on the song..and after, the band helped fix it up a bit and we worked on a bridge together..(hah dat took long too..i think there are videos of it on the band's facebook page xD)..but hey..we have a happy song!=)

10."Everlasting"...yeee got to the end! melaaa this song...i think the initial inspiration was the fact that my dad was always coming and going to libya with work. Sometimes i think it really effects me...other times i think im surviving just fine with the situation...nd well this song happened on one of the bad days. It was my realisation that even if my earthly dad may be coming and going coz of work (nd coz he luvs me and needs to provide for us xD *luv u paaa* =) )....my heavenly dad is never gna change, move or nething u knw?
we also tried working on a bridge for this song all summer..and den one day pooff wen we least expected it..a bridge came to me lool...its rly funny how these thigns happen...coz sam paul and i wud hav been arguing over lyrics and melodies for hours and days and den suddenly...we get one thats gd!
This song remained the chilled jazzy song on the album aaaand...i hope u wer all smart enough to realise that our Cd ends with the lyrics "in this world everything ends, every little thing, every little thing ends"....*hah get it?? d cd ends??xD lol*


insomma..i thought this wud be a short pointless blog but i had fun going thru memories of song-writing and arguing in the basement..and hot summer afternoons in san gwann dat took ages to pass xD...(wen every1 was at d beach and we had to finish a song for studio lol) with sweaty smelly boys haha ajmaa...
i will take this opportunity to honour everyone in the band for all their hard work over the months...their constant prayer and practise and all their dedication and perseverence! I'm lucky to have people like you to work with..and we're all lucky to hav ppls like u coz u guys can play some gd music! glee ur all great!! nd i luv u hafna even tho i get pissy at times..(well do u blame me?? after spending a stretch of hours with them?? dey can be so lethargic and un productive u have no idea lol *jokiiiing* =P)
Blessings to u all..may u enjoy the new CD and use it to get closer to the One who luvs u the most! =)

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

p.s...paul wanted me to title my blog: "Tear it Down" - The one which grouped my depressing songs!
lool

If you had to flick through my journals nd thoughts...

Haven’t blogged much this year aye?
Well I got a cool journal for Christmas from Achie and Elaine…so I might as well update you all a bit on what’s being written inside it =P

12-1-09
I don’t seem to be stirring up enough trouble
Everywhere I go…
*I mean this in the most Christian way…*
I mean am I not meant to be bugging all the evil out there??
With my good? With my love and with my persistence? xD

I dream of doing something wild,
I hope I’ll never chicken out; back off.
I pray for divine interventions,
I know every stitch in my life is planned.

One in a million, but still precious.
Worse than them all but still loved.
Further; lower than ever
But I’m cleansed; treasured; kept safe
In the arms of the Almighty!

That was a random journal entry in the middle of January…Then a few days before I gave the talk at y4j xD...I got this mini “I-can’t-do-this” panic attack and ended up all pensive and somehow when I poured out my heart to God it looked something like this..

21-1-09
When I die I’d want people to know
That I was a helpless, struggling person…
I wouldn’t want to be idealized
Or praised for things I couldn’t manage…

I’d prefer them to see that in this hopeless world
God sustained me.
I can’t do anything everyone else can’t do…
Who wouldn’t cling to a person who only gives love?
Who accepts and blesses?
Who wouldn’t run into their Savior’s arms
When something hard faced them?

Only someone who has all this totally misunderstood…
And so for those I’ll pray that they could realize it’s a bit simpler
Than they thought...to find love.

Keep my heart alive God…
I can do all things: advance against a troupe
Get through test weeks…and maybe even give a talk.

“You, o lord, keep my lamp burning;
My God turns my darkness into light.
With your help I can advance against a troupe;
With my God I can scale a wall.” Ps 18:28-29

I know this is all a bit like random thoughts just placed here in no particular order...but they were just a few things I felt like writing about…This song sort of portrays how I feel…it’s quite random… I don’t think I ever totally understood it...but that’s why it’s so great...coz every time you hear it u can interpret it differently...and I think I’m like that...it takes a lot of thinking and getting to know me before I can be interpreted xD





I don’t want to drown in anything else but God’s love!


I started thinking about the parable of the sower last time…you know the farmer who scatters seeds on like the path, the rocky place, the soil, etc…

And it made me think about us in life… It’s so easy for the seed to be planted on the rocky places… where we hear about God and believe with joy…but we don’t have roots…it only lasts a short time. When troubles or bad days come along we quickly fall away.

The worries of the world and everything in it don’t allow us to keep our relationship with God growing and alive… and the thing about it is…faith’s like riding a bike…when you stop pedaling you fall off! When we stop praying daily or perhaps reading the bible or hearing music that has that positive getting-you-closer-to-God sort of message or hanging out with people that are spurring us on we fall away!

If we don’t grow roots into something real and “ta sustanz” *excuse the multi-languages xD* the next storm will blow us off the pathway into who knows where!!

The thing is so many bad influences are chucked at us every second of our days that we have to take control of influencing ourselves with good things to, not just keep a balance but, over power the bad influences with good influences to become better people! Does that make any sense? xD

Storms come without warning
Furiously sweeping over us.
Sometimes You remain asleep
Will we drown?

Why are we so afraid?
Where’s our faith?
Even the winds and the waves obey you!


Yet throughout the ages
Over and over again
People have prayer
“Why do you stand far off?”
“Why do you hide yourself…
In times of trouble?”(Ps10:1-15)

So you came to calm the waters
To be closer to us than ever before
The needy will not be forgotten
You will remember the helpless.


A couple of days ago this paragraph jumped out at me from the book I’m reading “Will The Real Me Please Stand Up”.

“In any case, it is no doubt much better for me to tell you of my anger or hurt and to confront or openly challenge you. I know that I would rather have you be open with me. I would rather have your anger, hurt or challenge out in the open where we can deal with it.

The only alternative is to leave me guessing,
And to leave you bottling up your thoughts and feelings.
Again, what we don’t speak out we act out.
So if you don’t level with me,
Your suppressed thoughts and feelings
Will probably take the form of pouting, distancing or wall building.

Whatever is not openly expressed in a relationship becomes a subtle force of destruction.”

And it’s scarily true! This past week I’ve noticed sometimes I start acting weird because I would have bottled up something rather than shared it and sorted it out! And it’s destroying us! Bottling up is ruining us and our relationships and our lives!! So I challenge you all to speak out,get things out in the open, rather than act out! It’s true it may include stepping out of our comfort zones for a while but it actually is worth it.

Another random prayer just to help you all understand me and my confused-ness at times:

Desperately clinging onto
What seems to be a piece of
Hay in a hay stack

Everything’s slipping right through my fingers..
When I cling to You, you prove to be
A solid rock that I can depend on…

When the world lets me down and
Pushes me off cliffs claiming
They’re helping me reach the top of mountains…

I realize that there truly is nothing
As secure as you and so
I can only find my self-worth in you..

I don’t need to care about people who
Push, pull and claim they own me
And are my main influence.

You, you, you
How can I lose my target?
Why can the world bug me so much?

I wish I can be alone with you in the world...
And not let anyone influence me
Or try pull me away!...

Why’s everyone fighting...
Let me be!...Alone.
With the fullness of my God and His love and care!

Well...I’m looking at what I wrote and thinking it doesn’t make much sense but hey…you may enjoy randomness and I promise next blog will be more structured and point-full =P *ma I have such a disease of having to be orderly and productive aye?* xD
Latest scraps of songs that I’m working on..


Verse 1:
I need somewhere to go
Somewhere to know
Somewhere to be
Where I can be me

Verse 2:
I’ll find that secret place
But I need your grace
To run a mile more
Till I find you’re for
Loving me…

Chorus:
I’ll come to You coz
Wrapped in your arms
Is where I’ll be safe
I’ll give my life up to you.
Jesus I’ll run to You
Close to your heart
Is where I’m made whole
I’ll give me life up to You.

Verse 3:
I can’t find an escape
A hiding place
Other than You
Where I can be new

Chorus:
I’ll come to You coz
Wrapped in your arms
Is where I’ll be safe
I’ll give my life up to you.
Jesus I’ll run to You
Close to your heart
Is where I’m made whole
I’ll give me life up to You.



The other one’s in the basement and I’m not going to go for it...it’s too cold and late xD
I think I’ll leave you with that google thing everyone was doing xD...

Bettina needs to go. I guess he's hot for her, but still. She and her family are still WAY too hung up on ex-husband.

Bettina looks like this character sometimes used in horror movies...where they appear to be innocent sweet old ladies but end up being mad and dangerous :-)) I am sure she isn't but in the films they always look just like this.

Bettina says Beethoven did indeed frequently speak and think of his genious, recognizing in it a higher revelation and placing it above any philosophy, ...

Bettina does coffee

Bettina wants to put these extensive networking and marketing skills to work for you.

Bettina hates camels

Bettina asks the question we've all been wondering: Why the heck did he give her a rose after the way her family treated him

Bettina likes to keep fit by going to the gym, walking and swimming and also likes to relax by going to the beach and the movies, shopping and socializing

Bettina eats a cherry or two, Fred and Octavius get cameras in their face

Bettina wears leopard skin mask by Victoria Grant at Coco de Mer, 'The rest of my outfit is second hand.

Accused of intelligence with the West, Bettina was arrested in 1984, and presented to a young Stasi officer, Jan, for questioning

Bettina Loves a Soldier.

If i can no longer live and He can live in me...

So these are a couple of my latest thoughts…



I always feel the need to know where my life is going…
To know what is wanted from me; what I can do…am meant to do.

And there’s an urgency to it!
I feel so impatient… but I must wait on You.
Keep my life going where You want it to go.

“May my cry come before You, o Lord
Give me understanding according to you word…
May my supplication come before You;
Deliver me according to your promise.” Ps.119:169-170

“…the Lord will keep you from all harm
He will watch over your life;
…over your coming and your going
Both now and forevermore.” Ps. 121:7-8

“Unless the Lord builds the house,
Its builders labor in vain.” Ps.127:1

So this is what happens… when I feel satisfied by You, I think I don’t need You anymore…then I try alone… and after some time I’m down in the dumps…after trying other things I return helplessly to You for more help…again. And the cycle goes on…can You make it stop? At the phase when I’m satisfied? Just fully satisfied by You?



Sometimes I find myself wishing to ask people “Whose side are you on?”
How can you change your mind at the flick of a finger? Or at a single word? So then I found myself writing this after coming across this scripture…

“ I know your deeds, that you are neither hot nor cold! I wish you were either one or the other. So because you are lukewarm I am about to spit you out of my mouth…. Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him and he with me.”
Rev 3:12-20



I can’t use my ears to hear praise songs
And songs that glorify sex and mock You.
I can’t use my mouth to lift up thanksgiving to You
But then curse at friends, family and the sort.
I can’t walk on two roads!
Encouraging but tearing people down.

I can’t be a Christian when it suits me…
I can’t move one leg one way…
And the other leg the other way
Without falling into a split
And becoming paralyzed…stuck!


Maybe we’re all stuck in a split… but we choose to call it a spiritual desert.
We assume God’s asleep; ignoring us.
We’re jammed…divided; stretched …out of thoughts and words
Become our focus…is it possible?
Hot or cold…extreme…is that what You’re asking for?





I’m going to leave you all with a long, boring rant and reflection on my past year xD…enjoy!

To God – thoughts on 2008

I’ve been hurt this year like the ones before it. I’ve matured; realized I can’t alone…I just can’t. There is someone who cares even when I’m not sure where. Forgiving helped me move forward…God pulled me through. He reminded me it was part of His plan. This time last year I struggled, strained, stressed, suffered… But I gave God my confusion and embraced the start of a new hectic year…2008.
Guys, compliments, comments, opportunities all came and left…as the year began with Rob Galea’s launch my year was launched… with God as my leader I set off into January 08.I thought i knew all I could about God but I wondered blindly until He swept me off my feet. Eventually I realized He’s the only everlasting one…and that was hard to take in.
Can God stay forever when everything that’s meant to last in the world simply ends?

Later on in the year I wondered if I was the only one interested in the lives of others…did anyone care about me? But could that have been O Level Blues? xD They began when I committed every exam to God…it was the only way I got to a deeper level with Him. Sometimes I felt frustrated and followed blindly…other times I felt He was near.

Persistently I pressed on…once or twice I was too numb and tired to think…but God’s comfort kept me safe. I learned I had nothing to prove… I was God’s daughter and that’s what gave me worth! I didn’t have to please everyone or stay quiet…I could live loud…upsetting things along the way that have sat in the same place for too long.

And when summer came along I knew opportunities where screaming out at me! I wanted to be a slave to nothing else but God…nothing could separate me from His love! Slowly I digested more and more who God is and that I can never fully understand Him. His love remained something out of this world.



At Soul survivor my heart melted again as I was remodeled…even if I had to wait till the very last day to learn some vital things. It meant a lot that I had many moments to sit with God and write poetry to Him. In His presence I was no longer lonely, or abandoned. Another layer of skin was removed from me, like an onion before it is eaten. Even though I knew the layers would have to be peeled off I chose to do things in a way that suited my pride.
Obedience; humility; studying God’s word were amongst my many take home messages.

Around September, I felt as though things started to crumble…friends judged and accused me of judging…left me alone…claiming I was leaving them out. They hurt me thinking I didn’t know what was going on. In the midst of all this I didn’t get into SAC which was perhaps a let down but a start to something new and encouraging.
I wished not to fail…but breaking down in front of friends helped me get what I needed.

But I felt cheated…I didn’t get what I deserved AND it was God’s plan =S.
I had to digest it whilst people’s criticism on my family and thing’s close to my heart kept wounding me.
Sometimes I wondered why people had to interfere in what I chose to do with my time and life. But God gave and sacrificed continuously…He was my only idol. I wanted to give even if people snatched and threw things at me! I found help and refuge in God!
Life at JC eventually began...as enjoyable as ever…I walked with God and hoped to stay strong but the world didn’t wait for me to catch up…it kept passing by at the speed of light. Sticking to God was the best I could do! I knew I had a purpose at JC and I still am living to discover this more and more. I tired to remain as Christ- focused as I could through the hectic first term! Even though moods swung God remained my strength! I learned to use trials to get closer to Him.

Well, blogs I wrote this year kept people updated on what’s going on in my life and it helped me realize I wasn’t alone…and it showed others they aren’t too. Songs remained screaming out of me…as lyrics and melodies kept flowing out of somewhere.

Now I’m wondering exactly where I’m heading…where to focus this burning passion inside me to do something amazing for others.
There’s something burning in me…like I didn’t have enough time this year to do anything…
like I didn’t have the resources to do anything spectacular. There’s this urgency to do something…anything…
Suddenly the world needs to know…my best friend’s gonna be born really soon!
Somehow they need to know how pointless celebrations are without first receiving Him!

So take the coming year Lord, may everything I do give glory to You and help others see You. New beginnings; second chances…may I do something brave and beautiful this year and say “Here I am, send me!”….May I stay tuned to You. Thank you for the gift of this year…this life!