Click on the butterflyy! xD
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
I have a job of a perfectionist; a patient one at that.
I wonder if I’ll make it.
Sweat is too close for comfort.
My latest ‘job’ is recording piano music for ballerinas to dance to. Sure, I thought that would be simple – play through the piece once or twice, transfer it onto the computer, chuck in a CD, copy the track Et Voila`! Not quite.
I have played this childish tune over about 20 times, each time with a tiny mistake that I cannot bear to ignore. My finished product had to be something I could listen to and dance to without cringing, no matter who was listening.
In the mean time I’m researching piano ergonomics. You wouldn’t believe the slide shows and presentations I’ve come across. Thing is, I had back pain this morning whilst practising and I panicked! I wasn’t able to use the pedal and play normally. And when I have so much to practise in such a short time but am in too much pain to continue I get highly frustrated.
Some causes of stress
• Practising for too long without a break - particularly fast playing which doesn’t give the muscles time to recover.
Tick.
• Excessive practising brought on by panic when trying to learn new music against the clock, or when worried about auditions or exams.
Tick.
• Returning to a full practice regimen after a holiday or other break from the instrument. A full practice load should be built up to gradually after a break.
Tick.
• Poor posture and unsuitable seating - often resulting in back, neck or shoulder pain.
Tick.
Ok I won’t go on, I think you get my point. xD Tomorrow I will make sure I am sitting ergonomically.
I wonder if I’ll make it.
Sweat is too close for comfort.
My latest ‘job’ is recording piano music for ballerinas to dance to. Sure, I thought that would be simple – play through the piece once or twice, transfer it onto the computer, chuck in a CD, copy the track Et Voila`! Not quite.
I have played this childish tune over about 20 times, each time with a tiny mistake that I cannot bear to ignore. My finished product had to be something I could listen to and dance to without cringing, no matter who was listening.
In the mean time I’m researching piano ergonomics. You wouldn’t believe the slide shows and presentations I’ve come across. Thing is, I had back pain this morning whilst practising and I panicked! I wasn’t able to use the pedal and play normally. And when I have so much to practise in such a short time but am in too much pain to continue I get highly frustrated.
Some causes of stress
• Practising for too long without a break - particularly fast playing which doesn’t give the muscles time to recover.
Tick.
• Excessive practising brought on by panic when trying to learn new music against the clock, or when worried about auditions or exams.
Tick.
• Returning to a full practice regimen after a holiday or other break from the instrument. A full practice load should be built up to gradually after a break.
Tick.
• Poor posture and unsuitable seating - often resulting in back, neck or shoulder pain.
Tick.
Ok I won’t go on, I think you get my point. xD Tomorrow I will make sure I am sitting ergonomically.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
So I’ve been reading about the Middle Child Syndrome; these psychology things make me think, and I think I can safely say, thinking is one of my hobbies.
Some parts are not true in my case, and others are very evident.
But I can honestly remember a time in my life where it was a big deal that I was the middle child. I wasn’t the eldest, like my Dad and brother. I wasn’t the youngest, like my Mum and sister. I was in between…experimenting and searching for a way to express myself and find my ‘space’ in life.
One thing all the articles said was how middle kids end up being creative, taking a huge interest either in literature, art, music, writing, journalism or something of the sort. Now that, I thought was cool…and had an element of truth to it, seeing as for me music and writing are my “Get-my-message-across” methods.
But even all this, can be totally weightless on a balance. Even all the fighting for attention and to be noticed is useless when looking at life with a God-given perspective. Everything we once found ourselves living for becomes totally worthless…it rises on a balance.
All my worries of exams and what exactly I’m going to do in the upcoming year can really get me worrying. And sometimes, admittedly out of habit, I turn to God with my worries, praying He’d take care of me, yet I still find myself wondering if He cares. If any of my prayers are making a difference. If everything just remains static or if He cares and is actually moving, changing and sorting things out…just slowly. At His time. Not mine.
I’m learning to deny myself. Things do not have to go my way. Why should my happiness be dependent on getting what I want?
“If any man would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” Mark 8:34
To hold others’ interests
Above my own.
I will not live for pleasure.
I will not live for power.
I will not surrender responsibility for my life and actions.
I’m chasing the birds...Because they know how to live without worries. They are taken care of. They do not sow or reap or store things away, and yet they are fed.
“Are you not much more valuable than they?”
Then it all came down to this. In my most anxious A level times… Who was keeping me grounded? Who was my ‘meaning’; the weight on the balance keeping me down?
Nope. Things change way too slowly.
They might even be static.
One second I’m fully trusting,
The next fully let down.
Still. All-or-nothing. Always. Never.
This is not solitude. It’s more like emptiness.
Like I’m rising on balance…
Nothing weighty and worthy within me.
Nothing keeps me down any longer,
But I still search for stillness.
I’m back here
Satisfied by nothing,
drawing closer to You.
I guess it’s an unfair game
But I’m trying.
I’m running across the dry field,
I’m seeing the man of my dreams
With His arms wide open,
Nothing like all those others I’ve described to you
Night after night.
And the moment was not sprinkled
With imperfections like heat, misunderstandings and humidity.
Maybe we can all relate here,
Something’s described to us so beautiful
but it doesn’t turn out that way…
but this wasn’t like that!
I never really found
The comfort I searched for in humans…
I always dreamt of crying on someone’s shoulder,
In someone’s hug…
So I chased the birds across the field,
The only things between me and Him…
Hoping He’d wait long enough for me to arrive to Him…
Now I can’t tell if it’s me or Him that’s crying.
Which one of us is happiest?
To whom does this mean most?
That was the explanation of the song i posted last week.... i'll leave you with...
Don't you somehow feel understood by this? xD
Some parts are not true in my case, and others are very evident.
But I can honestly remember a time in my life where it was a big deal that I was the middle child. I wasn’t the eldest, like my Dad and brother. I wasn’t the youngest, like my Mum and sister. I was in between…experimenting and searching for a way to express myself and find my ‘space’ in life.
One thing all the articles said was how middle kids end up being creative, taking a huge interest either in literature, art, music, writing, journalism or something of the sort. Now that, I thought was cool…and had an element of truth to it, seeing as for me music and writing are my “Get-my-message-across” methods.
But even all this, can be totally weightless on a balance. Even all the fighting for attention and to be noticed is useless when looking at life with a God-given perspective. Everything we once found ourselves living for becomes totally worthless…it rises on a balance.
All my worries of exams and what exactly I’m going to do in the upcoming year can really get me worrying. And sometimes, admittedly out of habit, I turn to God with my worries, praying He’d take care of me, yet I still find myself wondering if He cares. If any of my prayers are making a difference. If everything just remains static or if He cares and is actually moving, changing and sorting things out…just slowly. At His time. Not mine.
I’m learning to deny myself. Things do not have to go my way. Why should my happiness be dependent on getting what I want?
“If any man would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” Mark 8:34
To hold others’ interests
Above my own.
I will not live for pleasure.
I will not live for power.
I will not surrender responsibility for my life and actions.
I’m chasing the birds...Because they know how to live without worries. They are taken care of. They do not sow or reap or store things away, and yet they are fed.
“Are you not much more valuable than they?”
Then it all came down to this. In my most anxious A level times… Who was keeping me grounded? Who was my ‘meaning’; the weight on the balance keeping me down?
Nope. Things change way too slowly.
They might even be static.
One second I’m fully trusting,
The next fully let down.
Still. All-or-nothing. Always. Never.
This is not solitude. It’s more like emptiness.
Like I’m rising on balance…
Nothing weighty and worthy within me.
Nothing keeps me down any longer,
But I still search for stillness.
I’m back here
Satisfied by nothing,
drawing closer to You.
I guess it’s an unfair game
But I’m trying.
I’m running across the dry field,
I’m seeing the man of my dreams
With His arms wide open,
Nothing like all those others I’ve described to you
Night after night.
And the moment was not sprinkled
With imperfections like heat, misunderstandings and humidity.
Maybe we can all relate here,
Something’s described to us so beautiful
but it doesn’t turn out that way…
but this wasn’t like that!
I never really found
The comfort I searched for in humans…
I always dreamt of crying on someone’s shoulder,
In someone’s hug…
So I chased the birds across the field,
The only things between me and Him…
Hoping He’d wait long enough for me to arrive to Him…
Now I can’t tell if it’s me or Him that’s crying.
Which one of us is happiest?
To whom does this mean most?
That was the explanation of the song i posted last week.... i'll leave you with...
Don't you somehow feel understood by this? xD
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
If this Physics exam could pass fast...
Soo..as promised *drum roll* I'v'e uploaded my first song with singing! xD hehe it's actually one i wrote these past two days with physics boredom..and it's nice and short ( so u can get back to studying riiight after hearing it :P)...it's probably not finished but i thought i'd share a little sneak peak before anyway xD
It's based on the Psalm here and Matthew 6:25-34!
My soul rests in God alone, from whom comes my salvation.
God alone is my rock and salvation, my secure height; I shall never fall.
My soul, be at rest in God alone, from whom comes my hope.
God alone is my rock and my salvation, my secure height; I shall not fall.
My safety and glory are with God, my strong rock and refuge.
Trust God at all times, my people! Pour out your hearts to God our refuge!
Mortals are a mere breath, the powerful but an illusion; On a balance they rise; together they are lighter than air.
Do not trust in extortion; in plunder put no empty hope. Though wealth increase, do not set your heart upon it.
One thing God has said; two things I have heard: Power belongs to God;
so too, Lord, does kindness, And you render to each of us according to our deeds.
Psalm 62.
Also,let's keep the girl who had a motorbike accident in our prayers!
**aaand alsoo..Last thing of real :P...shout out at Mel coz i used a shoe lace to tie the recorder to my neck haha and shout out at Paul...I used a metronome!** xD
It's based on the Psalm here and Matthew 6:25-34!
My soul rests in God alone, from whom comes my salvation.
God alone is my rock and salvation, my secure height; I shall never fall.
My soul, be at rest in God alone, from whom comes my hope.
God alone is my rock and my salvation, my secure height; I shall not fall.
My safety and glory are with God, my strong rock and refuge.
Trust God at all times, my people! Pour out your hearts to God our refuge!
Mortals are a mere breath, the powerful but an illusion; On a balance they rise; together they are lighter than air.
Do not trust in extortion; in plunder put no empty hope. Though wealth increase, do not set your heart upon it.
One thing God has said; two things I have heard: Power belongs to God;
so too, Lord, does kindness, And you render to each of us according to our deeds.
Psalm 62.
Also,let's keep the girl who had a motorbike accident in our prayers!
**aaand alsoo..Last thing of real :P...shout out at Mel coz i used a shoe lace to tie the recorder to my neck haha and shout out at Paul...I used a metronome!** xD
Friday, April 30, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
If rain had a song...
This is what the rain sounded like this morning... :)
Also...from now on my recordings are gonna be on the Recordings page (so i wont have to blog everyday :P)...and will be updated regularly so do check them out! :)
Also...from now on my recordings are gonna be on the Recordings page (so i wont have to blog everyday :P)...and will be updated regularly so do check them out! :)
Thursday, April 22, 2010
If I kept it simple
Sometimes it's terribly romantic
Other times extremely childlike
Yet it's friendship still,
Whilst having a king-slave difference.
"...love one another intensely from a pure heart." 1Peter1:22
Other times extremely childlike
Yet it's friendship still,
Whilst having a king-slave difference.
"...love one another intensely from a pure heart." 1Peter1:22
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
If you could find me...
I've been having this battle with myself...
to stop apologizing
for everything I do...
To stop justifying my every move.
I'm just being who I am;
expressing what I go through.
Feel free to take it in
or move away...
I tell myself, "it's OK... they don't have to like it"...
that't true I suppose but 'it' is part of 'me'
so don't be quick
to shoot it down.
You gave me what I have
You make me who I am
and I want to be Yours
and stay Yours
because that's where i find worth.
Perhaps I'll never be the oasis one finds
in the middle of their journey in the desert...
Perhaps I'm more like the well one uses for water...
a little more effort...a longer search.
The beauty of being...
without excusing.
Thinking...without being examined.
Enjoying simplicity...without being criticized;
I crave these humble beauties.
Because we haven't exercised it
does it mean it is untrue?
Because not yet have we seen
or tried, does it not exist?
I try not to become weary
To persist with every last drop.
As I'm squeezed and molded
I fight to stay me...
I come here again and again
On behalf of them; on behalf of me.
You're my Hope and though I don't understand
I'll seek You; Your love.
Your truth.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
If it works...
Ok so this is officially my first experiment at putting up some recorded stuff I have..and I'm not sure if it will work or not...haha in fact it's quite a random recording of a while ago...xD
if it works on the other hand...there's alot more where that came from and I shall frequently upload stuff for you to listen to at your own leisure :P
if it works on the other hand...there's alot more where that came from and I shall frequently upload stuff for you to listen to at your own leisure :P
Monday, April 19, 2010
If I revealed SUPER JOTTER PAD
So...whilst i study...the weirdest of things pass through my mind...and the normal-est also...xD
--> I realised I find it attractive when someone who's intelligent, with an eye for detail, has a heart for the small and needy.
--> I really am not proud of the way my nerves control my mind and mood sometimes; that i over-busy myself and like it.
--> "I'm not a nice person" I tell myself way too often...I think it's a form of excuse for not living up to an existing expectation i find myself living by.
-->I enjoy feeling ugly sometimes...it makes me enjoy feeling good more.
--> I spend more time going through notes, flicking through papers and cleaning through piles these days than I actually do studying and learning!
--> Writing in pencil on recycled paper all day can get you down...
--> Jesus knows me. :)
--> Planting seeds and waiting for them to grow.
--> I think i'm going dry and yellow like the wheat outside my window. Does it mean that I'm soon to be collected and finally discover my purpose?
So why am I not enjoying my time basking, growing in the sun?
--> I wear summer dresses on top of leggings. Under Jerseys. And I'm Happy :)
-->Finally, if the devil knew Psalm 91...so shall I:
Psalm 91
1 Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
2 This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
he is my God, and I trust him.
3 For he will rescue you from every trap
and protect you from deadly disease.
4 He will cover you with his feathers.
He will shelter you with his wings.
His faithful promises are your armor and protection.
5 Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night,
nor the arrow that flies in the day.
6 Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness,
nor the disaster that strikes at midday.
7 Though a thousand fall at your side,
though ten thousand are dying around you,
these evils will not touch you.
8 Just open your eyes,
and see how the wicked are punished.
9 If you make the Lord your refuge,
if you make the Most High your shelter,
10 no evil will conquer you;
no plague will come near your home.
11 For he will order his angels
to protect you wherever you go.
12 They will hold you up with their hands
so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone.
13 You will trample upon lions and cobras;
you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet!
14 The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me.
I will protect those who trust in my name.
15 When they call on me, I will answer;
I will be with them in trouble.
I will rescue and honor them.
16 I will reward them with a long life
and give them my salvation.”
--> I realised I find it attractive when someone who's intelligent, with an eye for detail, has a heart for the small and needy.
--> I really am not proud of the way my nerves control my mind and mood sometimes; that i over-busy myself and like it.
--> "I'm not a nice person" I tell myself way too often...I think it's a form of excuse for not living up to an existing expectation i find myself living by.
-->I enjoy feeling ugly sometimes...it makes me enjoy feeling good more.
--> I spend more time going through notes, flicking through papers and cleaning through piles these days than I actually do studying and learning!
--> Writing in pencil on recycled paper all day can get you down...
--> Jesus knows me. :)
--> Planting seeds and waiting for them to grow.
--> I think i'm going dry and yellow like the wheat outside my window. Does it mean that I'm soon to be collected and finally discover my purpose?
So why am I not enjoying my time basking, growing in the sun?
--> I wear summer dresses on top of leggings. Under Jerseys. And I'm Happy :)
-->Finally, if the devil knew Psalm 91...so shall I:
Psalm 91
1 Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
2 This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
he is my God, and I trust him.
3 For he will rescue you from every trap
and protect you from deadly disease.
4 He will cover you with his feathers.
He will shelter you with his wings.
His faithful promises are your armor and protection.
5 Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night,
nor the arrow that flies in the day.
6 Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness,
nor the disaster that strikes at midday.
7 Though a thousand fall at your side,
though ten thousand are dying around you,
these evils will not touch you.
8 Just open your eyes,
and see how the wicked are punished.
9 If you make the Lord your refuge,
if you make the Most High your shelter,
10 no evil will conquer you;
no plague will come near your home.
11 For he will order his angels
to protect you wherever you go.
12 They will hold you up with their hands
so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone.
13 You will trample upon lions and cobras;
you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet!
14 The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me.
I will protect those who trust in my name.
15 When they call on me, I will answer;
I will be with them in trouble.
I will rescue and honor them.
16 I will reward them with a long life
and give them my salvation.”
Friday, April 9, 2010
If I could just write one more...
At home on a Friday night but my attitude is surprisingly positive...I'm enjoying the sound of wind and the black clouds outside my window, whilst sitting in a dimly lit room with books, quiet music and a different mug of tea every half hour.
I've been really excited lately...and blogging seems more and more appetizing everyday...xD Must be the studying.
I have so many Summer resolutions already.
My list of "Films To Watch" is steadily growing each time everyone goes to the cinema and i pass...but hey...eventually i'll watch them.
I am also going to commit to putting up a song a week of mine on my blog or youtube...ekk just to expose my music a bit and give you all something to listen to in summer :)
I'm on Pg.19 out of the 50 i thought I'd finish by this evening...hah Good Stuff.
This actually reminds me...I wrote this in one of my crazy creative-streaks that studying seems to bring along more often...
That's why we have schedules,
we need something to fall behind,
to be constantly ahead...
Yup, that's why deadlines and schedules exist.
And sometimes that's why we have leaders,
so that we can go before them
to show them where we want to go
and to then say "I've followed you."
That's why we have teachers,
to show them what we know and
to struglle our hardest to show we're still right
and we don't need anything from them
because WE....
Already know everything.
Everything they can do - we can do better.
Excuse the irony..but i do find these words quite challenging...and to an extent...true.
And so it's here, the month that may be the most boring of all...
the month which is welcomed in by chocolates, figolli and picnics
and most importantly Easter.
The month our neighbours' fighting grew louder, caving in nearer...
exams will come...
they're slowly creeping up to us..
They'll go...But how can i make this month count?
That beautiful adoration,
the comfort of the darkness and Your presence.
I'll add; do the calculations; estimate the number;
I'll score, miss, judge, rate,
what matters loses its significance,
weighty things not taken into consideration.
And no I am not ashamed to say I have listened to the album of HE IS WE about four times through this evening..:) it's keeping me sane haha..good stuff :)
I came across these websites…claiming to teach you how to be creative…I find this quite amusing.
But honestly I need to get creative! xD It doesn’t just mean drawing, writing, singing or the norm… ideas and lifestyles can be creative…outfits and events…hairstyles and conversations!
"we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5: 3-5
Aaaand if you're still reading... this song has made me cry about 3 times this evening..its worth listening to...
Man I destroyed my poor biro tonight...i bit it like never before xD *apology to Faber-Castelle pen*
If blogger distracts me again..i MIght have to blog again :) buuutt
I'll leave youuu to a luvly evening of aromatic rings and plots of flower-delivering...
Blessings :)
I've been really excited lately...and blogging seems more and more appetizing everyday...xD Must be the studying.
I have so many Summer resolutions already.
My list of "Films To Watch" is steadily growing each time everyone goes to the cinema and i pass...but hey...eventually i'll watch them.
I am also going to commit to putting up a song a week of mine on my blog or youtube...ekk just to expose my music a bit and give you all something to listen to in summer :)
I'm on Pg.19 out of the 50 i thought I'd finish by this evening...hah Good Stuff.
This actually reminds me...I wrote this in one of my crazy creative-streaks that studying seems to bring along more often...
That's why we have schedules,
we need something to fall behind,
to be constantly ahead...
Yup, that's why deadlines and schedules exist.
And sometimes that's why we have leaders,
so that we can go before them
to show them where we want to go
and to then say "I've followed you."
That's why we have teachers,
to show them what we know and
to struglle our hardest to show we're still right
and we don't need anything from them
because WE....
Already know everything.
Everything they can do - we can do better.
Excuse the irony..but i do find these words quite challenging...and to an extent...true.
And so it's here, the month that may be the most boring of all...
the month which is welcomed in by chocolates, figolli and picnics
and most importantly Easter.
The month our neighbours' fighting grew louder, caving in nearer...
exams will come...
they're slowly creeping up to us..
They'll go...But how can i make this month count?
That beautiful adoration,
the comfort of the darkness and Your presence.
I'll add; do the calculations; estimate the number;
I'll score, miss, judge, rate,
what matters loses its significance,
weighty things not taken into consideration.
And no I am not ashamed to say I have listened to the album of HE IS WE about four times through this evening..:) it's keeping me sane haha..good stuff :)
I came across these websites…claiming to teach you how to be creative…I find this quite amusing.
But honestly I need to get creative! xD It doesn’t just mean drawing, writing, singing or the norm… ideas and lifestyles can be creative…outfits and events…hairstyles and conversations!
"we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5: 3-5
Aaaand if you're still reading... this song has made me cry about 3 times this evening..its worth listening to...
Man I destroyed my poor biro tonight...i bit it like never before xD *apology to Faber-Castelle pen*
If blogger distracts me again..i MIght have to blog again :) buuutt
I'll leave youuu to a luvly evening of aromatic rings and plots of flower-delivering...
Blessings :)
Thursday, April 8, 2010
If barefoot...
So we both went the day without shoes...
But i got tarmac roads and tiled floors.
My experience just felt, let's face it, pretty cool for the time it lasted...it wasn't a lifetime.
My toes enjoyed the freedom of wiggling in the streets, and my soul enjoyed the humility of being barefoot.
But I got to come home to a warm house, a clean bathroom...
to lovely smelling, clean white soap and warm water to wash my feet with,
and a soft warm fuzzy white towel to dry them with...
and i got to put on a pair of cozy socks before i go to bed.
For me...it was an "experience"...not a lifestyle.
I'm going to bed comfortable. But not everyone's alright.
www.onedaywithoutshoes.com
But i got tarmac roads and tiled floors.
My experience just felt, let's face it, pretty cool for the time it lasted...it wasn't a lifetime.
My toes enjoyed the freedom of wiggling in the streets, and my soul enjoyed the humility of being barefoot.
But I got to come home to a warm house, a clean bathroom...
to lovely smelling, clean white soap and warm water to wash my feet with,
and a soft warm fuzzy white towel to dry them with...
and i got to put on a pair of cozy socks before i go to bed.
For me...it was an "experience"...not a lifestyle.
I'm going to bed comfortable. But not everyone's alright.
www.onedaywithoutshoes.com
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
If I could kill mosquitoes :)
I wish I knew what I wanted of my life…not that it would matter.
But like all those people out there, pursuing their dreams, I would join them…
Not that it would matter.
I would look at schools, apply at places, dream and work at being the best….not that it matters.
I would give my full undivided attention to one thing and I’d be good at it, and I would do good for people and continue praying through out…. Not that it would matter.
I wish I weren’t staring at this screen wondering how on earth, and when exactly my life would take on a direction… maybe it would matter.
There’s something…maybe it’s a feeling, maybe it’s my imagination…I’m not sure….But something’s telling me to trust and I won’t be disappointed…something’s telling me I have no say in what’s coming next… something’s saying “Hold On…Sooner rather than later you’ll know, then you’ll look back, and laugh!”…or rather be gob-smacked at how petty my dreams were compared to the reality then.
It’s all a matter of when…all a matter of trusting that God you wont be too late!
You won’t make me do something smaller than I wish to!
Trusting that you’re seeing my tears…my lost thoughts wondering getting pulled at by so many…but choosing to surrender everything to You.
The hardest thing alive.
What is it in us? That makes us panic when we’re lost? As though we’re meant to be found? As though we’re meant to belong? As though we’re meant to mean something to someone somewhere?
So see, it’s pretty obvious that if we’re looking for meaning and we’ve realised there’s a lack of meaning in what we’re currently doing then it must be that there actually is a meaning to something. Because if there was no meaning to anything then I wouldn’t even know what meaning is, right? If the world was dark all the time and there was never any light then we wouldn’t know what darkness is because we wouldn’t know anything else.
Father God do you see? I’m desperate here? Do you see I’m crying here? Asking for direction, meaning and a significant role to play in this world that you love. Will I ever see the reason you made me the way you did? Such a jumble of different talents, thoughts and ideas… with such a confused head of thoughts wondering whether to go left, right, give it all up or give it all I’ve got.
Father God do you see? Do you hear? I need you to!
I’m scared. Of being mundane. Of being boring and doing something ordinary…I don’t want to. Why do I imagine you want me to do something I don’t want to do?....when you were the one who placed the “wants” ,”wishes” and “dreams” there in my heart in the first place?
So I have the dreams and I’m working on the skills…there’s just nothing in this world already existing that I can see myself fit into. Hah big deal right? God You’ll create something in due time.
You know those days when it feels like you’ve lost every battle, even some you didn’t even know you were in. Everything’s pulling you down; somehow you just want to frown. Everything hurts but nothing’s meant to. Everything bugs you…you just sleep it off.
xD
You see...
One day I’m going to look back and say “ hah I even did A levels…and they weren’t that bad.”….
One day I’m going to look back and see how I got through this time with friends and a few laughs and tears.
I’ll keep looking for that simple thing to cheer me up, for that country song, for that thrill,
For the bus that would take me home…yet my last call will always be what should have been my first.
I must say…everyone going crazy is quite funny. Think about it…at least we’re doing it together! We’ll all get pimples and dark circles under our eyes from lack of sleep together wahey! xD
(8) Ask him how he made it and he’ll tell you faith and sweat (8)…
I’m loving the fact that all these country songs have deep lyrics honestly.
I'm just gna paste some poetry and leave it there...Gn and so long! xD
Photos are really inspiring.
This is my attempt at being creative…
At writing in search of inspiration
Rather than writing out of inspiration.
This is my attempt at brining back
Memories and rekindling feelings
Of excitement and urgency; sacredness.
This is my attempt at belonging to the one
That matters, leaving my belongings
In a place that does not.
This is my attempt at begging, pleading
And seeking favour on behalf of those
Who don’t know but want to and those who just don’t.
This is my attempt to move your heart,
To move their hearts to move their hands,
To move more hearts.
(read it again…it actually makes sense xD)
This is my attempt to serve and keep falling
In love with the one who sustains
To allow me to bring to them the option of satisfaction.
This is my attempt at being; but being different-
Being obedient, being brave, being fearless…
Because perfect love drives out all fear!
This is my attempt at believing and being
Genuine, realer than sincere,
More full of life than enthusiasm.
This is my attempt at risk,
And giving rise, to rare righteousness
And readiness to be rebellious; reborn.
This is my attempt at creativity…
To bring a new prayer.
My heart is exposed and all my attempts are useless…
As useless as me attempting to kill the mosquito
Flying too close
Clapping it to its end.
So my thoughts may fly off form time to time
But my physique and form,
Essence and intellect,
Reason and attitude,
My pluck and purpose
All want to be for God for keeps
Till the cows come home!
Which means I got thesaurus happy for “I’ll follow with all my body, soul, mind and heart.” xD
_________________________________________________________
I’m the type of girl to have lists for everything
I’m also the girl with accurate timetables
And things I’m strong headed about sticking to.
I won’t let big things have huge effects on me
But the tiniest things can grab my mood
And smash it to the ground
…Huge effects indeed.
______________________________________________
Not because I dress cool,
am cool,
or look cool.
Not because I’ve been big,
been right,
or been fun.
Not because I can do anything better,
more uniquely
or with more style.
not because I wear my clothes inside out
But… just because.
_______________________________________________
I’m here. I’m there.
Somewhere moving.
Somewhere stirring.
I’m this. I’m that.
Something starting.
Something burning.
I’m His. I’m her.
Someone curious.
Someone fighting.
I’m weak. I’m stale.
Somehow trusting.
Somehow waiting.
I’m none. I’m yours.
Somebody calling.
Somebody wanting.
Someday someday
You’re love. I’ve lacked.
You’ve won. I lost.
________________________________________________
This is not fair.
How can they tell creative people not to be?
How can they make them be parrots?
How can they steal every spare second,
How can they take all their time when it never really belonged to them?
Gagga. (Elaine!! xD)
How can they decide that stress should be part of everyone’s diet?
Why should we juggle things that are so heavy? So NOT ourselves?
I’m being tied down.
I’m expected to follow
by people who cannot ever understand what it’s like to be me
inside my head and having the urge and ability
to create but to have the time and frame of mind
taken form you.
I might be fussing. xD
But I find it hard feeling as though I’m the only one…
Whilst everyone else wants what their doing
And have no other option.
So I’ll surrender again for the millionth time.
This is were You want me.
Thank you for rain. Gentleness.
Consistency and turmoils at intervals.
Simple things that show you care about detail
And you have a plan. Masterpiece.
Created for and with a purpose.
But like all those people out there, pursuing their dreams, I would join them…
Not that it would matter.
I would look at schools, apply at places, dream and work at being the best….not that it matters.
I would give my full undivided attention to one thing and I’d be good at it, and I would do good for people and continue praying through out…. Not that it would matter.
I wish I weren’t staring at this screen wondering how on earth, and when exactly my life would take on a direction… maybe it would matter.
There’s something…maybe it’s a feeling, maybe it’s my imagination…I’m not sure….But something’s telling me to trust and I won’t be disappointed…something’s telling me I have no say in what’s coming next… something’s saying “Hold On…Sooner rather than later you’ll know, then you’ll look back, and laugh!”…or rather be gob-smacked at how petty my dreams were compared to the reality then.
It’s all a matter of when…all a matter of trusting that God you wont be too late!
You won’t make me do something smaller than I wish to!
Trusting that you’re seeing my tears…my lost thoughts wondering getting pulled at by so many…but choosing to surrender everything to You.
The hardest thing alive.
What is it in us? That makes us panic when we’re lost? As though we’re meant to be found? As though we’re meant to belong? As though we’re meant to mean something to someone somewhere?
So see, it’s pretty obvious that if we’re looking for meaning and we’ve realised there’s a lack of meaning in what we’re currently doing then it must be that there actually is a meaning to something. Because if there was no meaning to anything then I wouldn’t even know what meaning is, right? If the world was dark all the time and there was never any light then we wouldn’t know what darkness is because we wouldn’t know anything else.
Father God do you see? I’m desperate here? Do you see I’m crying here? Asking for direction, meaning and a significant role to play in this world that you love. Will I ever see the reason you made me the way you did? Such a jumble of different talents, thoughts and ideas… with such a confused head of thoughts wondering whether to go left, right, give it all up or give it all I’ve got.
Father God do you see? Do you hear? I need you to!
I’m scared. Of being mundane. Of being boring and doing something ordinary…I don’t want to. Why do I imagine you want me to do something I don’t want to do?....when you were the one who placed the “wants” ,”wishes” and “dreams” there in my heart in the first place?
So I have the dreams and I’m working on the skills…there’s just nothing in this world already existing that I can see myself fit into. Hah big deal right? God You’ll create something in due time.
You know those days when it feels like you’ve lost every battle, even some you didn’t even know you were in. Everything’s pulling you down; somehow you just want to frown. Everything hurts but nothing’s meant to. Everything bugs you…you just sleep it off.
xD
You see...
One day I’m going to look back and say “ hah I even did A levels…and they weren’t that bad.”….
One day I’m going to look back and see how I got through this time with friends and a few laughs and tears.
I’ll keep looking for that simple thing to cheer me up, for that country song, for that thrill,
For the bus that would take me home…yet my last call will always be what should have been my first.
I must say…everyone going crazy is quite funny. Think about it…at least we’re doing it together! We’ll all get pimples and dark circles under our eyes from lack of sleep together wahey! xD
(8) Ask him how he made it and he’ll tell you faith and sweat (8)…
I’m loving the fact that all these country songs have deep lyrics honestly.
I'm just gna paste some poetry and leave it there...Gn and so long! xD
Photos are really inspiring.
This is my attempt at being creative…
At writing in search of inspiration
Rather than writing out of inspiration.
This is my attempt at brining back
Memories and rekindling feelings
Of excitement and urgency; sacredness.
This is my attempt at belonging to the one
That matters, leaving my belongings
In a place that does not.
This is my attempt at begging, pleading
And seeking favour on behalf of those
Who don’t know but want to and those who just don’t.
This is my attempt to move your heart,
To move their hearts to move their hands,
To move more hearts.
(read it again…it actually makes sense xD)
This is my attempt to serve and keep falling
In love with the one who sustains
To allow me to bring to them the option of satisfaction.
This is my attempt at being; but being different-
Being obedient, being brave, being fearless…
Because perfect love drives out all fear!
This is my attempt at believing and being
Genuine, realer than sincere,
More full of life than enthusiasm.
This is my attempt at risk,
And giving rise, to rare righteousness
And readiness to be rebellious; reborn.
This is my attempt at creativity…
To bring a new prayer.
My heart is exposed and all my attempts are useless…
As useless as me attempting to kill the mosquito
Flying too close
Clapping it to its end.
So my thoughts may fly off form time to time
But my physique and form,
Essence and intellect,
Reason and attitude,
My pluck and purpose
All want to be for God for keeps
Till the cows come home!
Which means I got thesaurus happy for “I’ll follow with all my body, soul, mind and heart.” xD
_________________________________________________________
I’m the type of girl to have lists for everything
I’m also the girl with accurate timetables
And things I’m strong headed about sticking to.
I won’t let big things have huge effects on me
But the tiniest things can grab my mood
And smash it to the ground
…Huge effects indeed.
______________________________________________
Not because I dress cool,
am cool,
or look cool.
Not because I’ve been big,
been right,
or been fun.
Not because I can do anything better,
more uniquely
or with more style.
not because I wear my clothes inside out
But… just because.
_______________________________________________
I’m here. I’m there.
Somewhere moving.
Somewhere stirring.
I’m this. I’m that.
Something starting.
Something burning.
I’m His. I’m her.
Someone curious.
Someone fighting.
I’m weak. I’m stale.
Somehow trusting.
Somehow waiting.
I’m none. I’m yours.
Somebody calling.
Somebody wanting.
Someday someday
You’re love. I’ve lacked.
You’ve won. I lost.
________________________________________________
This is not fair.
How can they tell creative people not to be?
How can they make them be parrots?
How can they steal every spare second,
How can they take all their time when it never really belonged to them?
Gagga. (Elaine!! xD)
How can they decide that stress should be part of everyone’s diet?
Why should we juggle things that are so heavy? So NOT ourselves?
I’m being tied down.
I’m expected to follow
by people who cannot ever understand what it’s like to be me
inside my head and having the urge and ability
to create but to have the time and frame of mind
taken form you.
I might be fussing. xD
But I find it hard feeling as though I’m the only one…
Whilst everyone else wants what their doing
And have no other option.
So I’ll surrender again for the millionth time.
This is were You want me.
Thank you for rain. Gentleness.
Consistency and turmoils at intervals.
Simple things that show you care about detail
And you have a plan. Masterpiece.
Created for and with a purpose.
Monday, March 1, 2010
If I can smile at a mirror...
You know those adverts where students are smiling whilst sitting at their books in a university library? And everyone looks happy with what they’re doing, urging other students to attend their college.
Well, I tried that today…I chucked a little mirror in front of me whilst studying and every now and then looked up at it as enthusiastically as i could...as though I’m doing the best thing I could ever be doing right not…and you know what? It worked. I started smiling at myself… Wishing I could be that happy girl in the mirror…until I realised. I am that she. And I can be happy whilst studying Chemistry on a lovely moonlit night. xD
(8)Because i'm just an alien tumtumtum xD (8)
"I'm a 'glorious mess'...Raw edges. A mountain of imperfections! i thought that Jesus loved me in spite of these things - now i recognize that he loved me because of them. It is my mess that Jesus takes delight in making glorious." - Dorothy Savage
Well, I tried that today…I chucked a little mirror in front of me whilst studying and every now and then looked up at it as enthusiastically as i could...as though I’m doing the best thing I could ever be doing right not…and you know what? It worked. I started smiling at myself… Wishing I could be that happy girl in the mirror…until I realised. I am that she. And I can be happy whilst studying Chemistry on a lovely moonlit night. xD
(8)Because i'm just an alien tumtumtum xD (8)
"I'm a 'glorious mess'...Raw edges. A mountain of imperfections! i thought that Jesus loved me in spite of these things - now i recognize that he loved me because of them. It is my mess that Jesus takes delight in making glorious." - Dorothy Savage
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
If Somewhere, Something and Someone have my name on it.
*Blogger knows how to tick me off...all my layout-efforts have proven to be useless again...as soon as i click publish all the words space out exactly as they please to..*
I feel like a mug of tea…
Just brewing.
I feel like a cracker in a packet…
Waiting; watching the world go by.
I feel like a sprinkle of seasoning…
Used and put back on the shelf.
Like an item cooking, boiling, frying.
I’ve been through all the phases and now on stand by
I stay.
Set aside but not wavering…
Resting but alive; awake; alert.
I’m on the look out; on my guard
For some sort of direction…
A course; a road; a track…
Unbroken; undeviating; uninterrupted.
_________________________________________________
I’m not sure…
Sometimes I feel more alone, wondering and misunderstood
than ever…
everyone seems to care…
until they’re just looking in
like the rest of the world.
Leaving me feeling like I’m the
Only one
Constantly looking out;
Trying to love and reach out.
Like I’m the only one putting effort into things…
Like I’m the one and only UNDERDOG ….all the time.
Brought up in it...People
Will not,
Can not,
Have not
Ever seen what
It’s like, what
I’m like, who
I am.
Not worth explaining coz I’ll be disappointed.
No one can get me,
That’s the feeling…
That I’m alone with You always and forever.
I think I’d be fine…
Knowing I had to get through simply
With You and with none other
Than You.
But they think they understand….
They think they know and love
But I don’t feel loved…
They think they have me all figured out
But I’m just giving them bad ideas,
Twisted ideas…that are not me.
I say something and they take it any way they like
Forming their own picture of me…
but no one really Wants to know the real me…
Nope.
No one does.
It’s painful.
And it’s also painful that only here and now
Can I confess that it is.
So many warped ideas; so many people thinking they know…
That I don’t feel I’ll ever manage to make that much effort to untangle them all now
And make them straight again.
I’ll go to sleep. They’ll go to sleep.
We’ll go to sleep,
Each thinking the other is fine.
But nobody knows
And nobody wants to.
It’s scary but I believe it…
Nobody knows
And nobody wants to.
Everyone’s perfectly fine living their life
WITHOUT me as an extra burden.
They try; they care…
But no one gets far enough…
No one gets to me…
So I blame myself for being too difficult
to understand…and maybe I just am –
A hard nut to crack
A hard shell to break
But Lord You know I try…
You know I long for that someone to manage
maybe just to make it
Possible to succeed at reaching me.
I’m sorry but I’m sick of all the unreturned effort I put into friendships
And I don’t think I have it in me
To go on.
So I’ll praise You for being strong
In my weakness.
For being lifted up day after day
As tears fall.
For remaining worthy and holy
As I break and fold.
For being IN the gentle storms That bring a sense of refreshment and new beauty.
For being in those storms where Helplessness crashes in the thunder,
and loneliness lights up the night in the lightning.
For being in those storms and rains of desperation, despair and anguish.
For being
That ray of hope
That trickling tear down a cheek
That rain drop gently dripping down a surface
With a sense of
Reassurance,
Peace,
And could it be?
Perhaps.
Love.
There’s a peace the world cannot give
And how well I know it.
The first drop…
Perhaps that takes the longest, hardest and most effort to fall…
Just till it shows the other drops what to do…
It’s exposed; falling helplessly…
Until they all are…
Falling chattily
Falling enthusiastically with life and purpose.
And a new dawn
WILL come…
After stings of cold wing
Will come warmth seeping in
Flowing freely.
I’m waiting here to watch the rain…
Lord the skies are your canvas
Where You paint Your love story to me
Day after day, view after view.
Your hand crafts night after night,
Sunrise after sunrise, cloud after star
After moon after raindrop and lightning bolt.
For me
For me…
(Do you hear?)
For Me.
With conviction I’ll put my pencil down tonight…
To a God who’s saying
“It’s all in my hands.
I am Your provider.”
And I’ll sleep with the same peace that only my God can give.
Share this I pray Lord, with humanity –
Your people.
Ok so the monkey pictures quite funny :p but i remembered this song and liked it again nd thought i should post. :)
I feel like a mug of tea…
Just brewing.
I feel like a cracker in a packet…
Waiting; watching the world go by.
I feel like a sprinkle of seasoning…
Used and put back on the shelf.
Like an item cooking, boiling, frying.
I’ve been through all the phases and now on stand by
I stay.
Set aside but not wavering…
Resting but alive; awake; alert.
I’m on the look out; on my guard
For some sort of direction…
A course; a road; a track…
Unbroken; undeviating; uninterrupted.
_________________________________________________
I’m not sure…
Sometimes I feel more alone, wondering and misunderstood
than ever…
everyone seems to care…
until they’re just looking in
like the rest of the world.
Leaving me feeling like I’m the
Only one
Constantly looking out;
Trying to love and reach out.
Like I’m the only one putting effort into things…
Like I’m the one and only UNDERDOG ….all the time.
Brought up in it...People
Will not,
Can not,
Have not
Ever seen what
It’s like, what
I’m like, who
I am.
Not worth explaining coz I’ll be disappointed.
No one can get me,
That’s the feeling…
That I’m alone with You always and forever.
I think I’d be fine…
Knowing I had to get through simply
With You and with none other
Than You.
But they think they understand….
They think they know and love
But I don’t feel loved…
They think they have me all figured out
But I’m just giving them bad ideas,
Twisted ideas…that are not me.
I say something and they take it any way they like
Forming their own picture of me…
but no one really Wants to know the real me…
Nope.
No one does.
It’s painful.
And it’s also painful that only here and now
Can I confess that it is.
So many warped ideas; so many people thinking they know…
That I don’t feel I’ll ever manage to make that much effort to untangle them all now
And make them straight again.
I’ll go to sleep. They’ll go to sleep.
We’ll go to sleep,
Each thinking the other is fine.
But nobody knows
And nobody wants to.
It’s scary but I believe it…
Nobody knows
And nobody wants to.
Everyone’s perfectly fine living their life
WITHOUT me as an extra burden.
They try; they care…
But no one gets far enough…
No one gets to me…
So I blame myself for being too difficult
to understand…and maybe I just am –
A hard nut to crack
A hard shell to break
But Lord You know I try…
You know I long for that someone to manage
maybe just to make it
Possible to succeed at reaching me.
I’m sorry but I’m sick of all the unreturned effort I put into friendships
And I don’t think I have it in me
To go on.
So I’ll praise You for being strong
In my weakness.
For being lifted up day after day
As tears fall.
For remaining worthy and holy
As I break and fold.
For being IN the gentle storms That bring a sense of refreshment and new beauty.
For being in those storms where Helplessness crashes in the thunder,
and loneliness lights up the night in the lightning.
For being in those storms and rains of desperation, despair and anguish.
For being
That ray of hope
That trickling tear down a cheek
That rain drop gently dripping down a surface
With a sense of
Reassurance,
Peace,
And could it be?
Perhaps.
Love.
There’s a peace the world cannot give
And how well I know it.
The first drop…
Perhaps that takes the longest, hardest and most effort to fall…
Just till it shows the other drops what to do…
It’s exposed; falling helplessly…
Until they all are…
Falling chattily
Falling enthusiastically with life and purpose.
And a new dawn
WILL come…
After stings of cold wing
Will come warmth seeping in
Flowing freely.
I’m waiting here to watch the rain…
Lord the skies are your canvas
Where You paint Your love story to me
Day after day, view after view.
Your hand crafts night after night,
Sunrise after sunrise, cloud after star
After moon after raindrop and lightning bolt.
For me
For me…
(Do you hear?)
For Me.
With conviction I’ll put my pencil down tonight…
To a God who’s saying
“It’s all in my hands.
I am Your provider.”
And I’ll sleep with the same peace that only my God can give.
Share this I pray Lord, with humanity –
Your people.
Ok so the monkey pictures quite funny :p but i remembered this song and liked it again nd thought i should post. :)
Sunday, January 3, 2010
If I blame myself for failing, am I blaming myself for succeeding?
*oo oo first scroll down and press play so u hav some background music whilst u read xD*
I felt loved and was loved. I loved.
I had good times at JC; on roundabouts, in libraries, in lessons.
A few Christmas meals, masses, and celebrations later I’m still here.
With friends around me and a God so much greater than me.
A supporting family that pushed me through my watery-eyed moments
And rolled their eyes at me and laughed in my happiest moments.
I was unsure about certain things; but I had strong convictions about others.
I suppressed feelings, let out lots of others; learnt from people and taught a few.
I ate the weirdest of things; I cooked perhaps not the best of things.
I had very enjoyable meals, boring ones and just plain uncomfortable ones.
I played football, Wii, piano and a couple of guitars.
I’ve worn dress after dresss, at 18th after 18th.
I’ve played song after song at event after event.
I’ve posed for photos in England, Malta, Gozo and Comino.
I’ve slept on floors, sofas, air mattresses and beds –
At farmhouses, summerhouses, campsites and friends’ houses.
I entertained and was entertained.
I worked, helped and served getting so much in return.
I’ve been the most known and the biggest nobody.
I’ve felt cool and lame and tall and short and beautiful and ugly and smart and stupid
in the same night.
I’ve felt let down, picked up, revived, abandoned, refreshed and exhausted.
I’ve met person after person and became part of life after life.
I swam at the weirdest of hours with the craziest of people.
I’ve prayed with the largest of groups and all by myself.
I’ve watched good movies, bad ones, funny ones and avoided a couple here and there.
I’ve been understood, misunderstood and I understood.
I’ve spent time with people, away from people, and simply amidst people.
I’ve gotten sick; I’ve taken care of people and have been taken care of.
I’ve been on fire, lukewarm and just plain cold.
I’ve sung in the shower, in the studio, in front of people and to little crowds.
I’ve done the craziest and the most boring of things
....but I was created to.
And for all this…I am grateful.
I felt loved and was loved. I loved.
I had good times at JC; on roundabouts, in libraries, in lessons.
A few Christmas meals, masses, and celebrations later I’m still here.
With friends around me and a God so much greater than me.
A supporting family that pushed me through my watery-eyed moments
And rolled their eyes at me and laughed in my happiest moments.
I was unsure about certain things; but I had strong convictions about others.
I suppressed feelings, let out lots of others; learnt from people and taught a few.
I ate the weirdest of things; I cooked perhaps not the best of things.
I had very enjoyable meals, boring ones and just plain uncomfortable ones.
I played football, Wii, piano and a couple of guitars.
I’ve worn dress after dresss, at 18th after 18th.
I’ve played song after song at event after event.
I’ve posed for photos in England, Malta, Gozo and Comino.
I’ve slept on floors, sofas, air mattresses and beds –
At farmhouses, summerhouses, campsites and friends’ houses.
I entertained and was entertained.
I worked, helped and served getting so much in return.
I’ve been the most known and the biggest nobody.
I’ve felt cool and lame and tall and short and beautiful and ugly and smart and stupid
in the same night.
I’ve felt let down, picked up, revived, abandoned, refreshed and exhausted.
I’ve met person after person and became part of life after life.
I swam at the weirdest of hours with the craziest of people.
I’ve prayed with the largest of groups and all by myself.
I’ve watched good movies, bad ones, funny ones and avoided a couple here and there.
I’ve been understood, misunderstood and I understood.
I’ve spent time with people, away from people, and simply amidst people.
I’ve gotten sick; I’ve taken care of people and have been taken care of.
I’ve been on fire, lukewarm and just plain cold.
I’ve sung in the shower, in the studio, in front of people and to little crowds.
I’ve done the craziest and the most boring of things
....but I was created to.
And for all this…I am grateful.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
If I could love and give back what I have...
Nobody. Nothing. Never.
Cuddled under blankets, quilts and the like.
Covers, coats, sheets and wrapping.
Menial. Dull. Humdrum.
Ignominious.
I need You to connect with me again.
To be a blink away.
You still call me Yours but I want to be so much more...
Someone who truly lives and loves like she
truly knows and lives that!
A flash, a flicker,
a wink, a glimpse,
Away from You.
Yet I feel overlooked; a blind eye turned to me.
But I'm not sure whose.
To look up love in a thesaurus
is to find a list of words...
In a Bible a list of actions
by love Himself.
I am cherished.
I am prized.
I am treasured.
I am delighted in; enjoyed.
I am loved.
I've got no title to my name;
no degrees listed,
no prizes won.
no series of achievments,
nothing extraordinary,
nothing to be impressed by,
nothing to call mine.
I like to think I'm simple
I love best as I can.
Live taking the most risks within reach.
I'm ordinary; I am nothing more than me.
Yet I am a child of a King...
The title I can never be worhty of.
Titles....They won't make me;
The more I have the more pressure,
the less I have the more simple and focused I can be...
the more single-minded and in-tune I can be.
To love; To give back what i have.
To use my life for someone else...
What does Malta need?
I seek to love, to be focused on serving...
not to be entertained but to imitate You.
"To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.
Who is a God like you...?
You will again have compassion on us;
You will tread our sins underfoot
and hurl all our iniquities into the depth of the sea!"
Micah 6:8, 7:18-19
Cuddled under blankets, quilts and the like.
Covers, coats, sheets and wrapping.
Menial. Dull. Humdrum.
Ignominious.
I need You to connect with me again.
To be a blink away.
You still call me Yours but I want to be so much more...
Someone who truly lives and loves like she
truly knows and lives that!
A flash, a flicker,
a wink, a glimpse,
Away from You.
Yet I feel overlooked; a blind eye turned to me.
But I'm not sure whose.
To look up love in a thesaurus
is to find a list of words...
In a Bible a list of actions
by love Himself.
I am cherished.
I am prized.
I am treasured.
I am delighted in; enjoyed.
I am loved.
I've got no title to my name;
no degrees listed,
no prizes won.
no series of achievments,
nothing extraordinary,
nothing to be impressed by,
nothing to call mine.
I like to think I'm simple
I love best as I can.
Live taking the most risks within reach.
I'm ordinary; I am nothing more than me.
Yet I am a child of a King...
The title I can never be worhty of.
Titles....They won't make me;
The more I have the more pressure,
the less I have the more simple and focused I can be...
the more single-minded and in-tune I can be.
To love; To give back what i have.
To use my life for someone else...
What does Malta need?
I seek to love, to be focused on serving...
not to be entertained but to imitate You.
"To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.
Who is a God like you...?
You will again have compassion on us;
You will tread our sins underfoot
and hurl all our iniquities into the depth of the sea!"
Micah 6:8, 7:18-19
Thursday, November 26, 2009
If there is a song...
This is the song...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2x22CkAEeA
That's a better version of it that wont let me embed the video!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2x22CkAEeA
That's a better version of it that wont let me embed the video!
Saturday, November 21, 2009
If that's why He came...
(8)I’m still singing hallelujah; I’m still singing hallelujah to the Lord.(8)
Somehow I’m embracing the feeling of being left alone and forgotten on a Saturday night…and I’m enjoying it. Not just in a melancholic “I’m in alone on a Saturday way”…but in an honest enjoyment. xD Just the feeling of having nobody running after me; no schedule tying me back…just time to read, write, chat to my cousins online whilst the house is quiet.
'It’s as if it weren’t me… a few months ago...a few days ago.
Someone else. Living a better life – with better friends, better moments, better figures and better quality. And now I’m just here at the side watching as it swishes past. Do I know anything other than sitting in the wings of the curtains working on props and backstage worries? Is it a good thing to live to make others shine like stars? (5-11-09)'
I journalled this a couple of days ago…excuse the depth and length but hey just in case you have nothing else to do on a Saturday night!
I don’t get it.. if God gave me my dreams, my thoughts and my talents…then all my dreams should take place…it’s like why would He give me dreams of something He doesn’t want me to do? And I’m not talking about things I simply want or look at and suddenly wish for. I’m talking about those dreams that ring in my ears day after day…those hopes and plans that I must so often surrender.
They must happen one day…He must want for them to happen if He gave me them and gives me them over and over so often.
“We do not want you to become lazy but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised.” Hebrews 6:!2
Little side note: I want to find a theory as to why I’m claustrophobic…I think it may have something to do with childbirth to be quite honest xD
Clinging to the cross is playing in the background…sometimes when you have nothing else to depend on…God-things become so much real-er don’t you think?
Sometimes I feel I’m living in fear…fear of being known.
Is it because I’m scared of new things?
The aim was to become more like You God,
More like I want to become.
I’m not a nice person
I don’t bring love TO people and the good OUT of people.
I simply condemn, fail, accuse and let down.
I’m simply not a loving person.
There’s so much I need to be healed from;
Too much that I lack…
I’m scared to rock the boat.
I don’t like change or disagreement.
Differences, they get to me…
Quarrels for some reason I can’t point out, petrify me.
I keep the peace I’m sacred to make.
I can’t live as a keeper if that’s not the way
My maker wants me.
So let’s make peace firstly with myself…
It bugs me that I break, it bugs me that I’m not super human
It bugs me that it’s hard to depend on people,
It bugs me that in the world’s eyes these precious vulnerable moments are hated,
It bugs me that I want to be in control, that I live for just me, that it’s hard to surrender,
That I feel weak, that fear and helplessness can paralyze me,
that analysis doesn’t always lead to solutions,
and solutions aren’t always what I want!
It bugs me that tears wont flow and
It’s difficult to make peace though I know…
I need that peace of mind that only God can offer me!
Help me forgive myself? Grace me with the abandonment and surrender I long to give you?
Help me trust all I need to? Be bold as much as I wish to?
It hurt…when I felt used.
It hurt… when they didn’t understand
When I expected them too.
It hurt…when they didn’t give me what I needed.
See? Wrong mentalities! I’m doing it all for me!
This life. That’s why I’m doing it. Change me! Save me!
“He said that this was what He was coming to do – to bring freedom, healing, forgiveness, restoration then and now.”
My coping strategies keep failing yet I refuse to go to Jesus first!
“I stand at the door and knock…to come in and share a meal with you.” ( Rev. 3:20)
It’s hard to confess a thought such as this, but sometimes I’m scared of being boring. I have a fear of being unwanted… rejected if I’m not solid. Why do You want to come in? Yet why am I believing the lies that I’m unlovable?
*I’m skipping parts…it’s a way too long entry…xD after a lot more rambling I felt totally freed…*
Freed from worries of the future
Freed from thoughts that say I’ll be alone and unhappy; without a purpose.
Music’s singing out violently. Battles are raging…My freedom! You won it and have given it to me.
…You listen when I speak…you’re trying to show me You care. I shouldn’t expect to be ignored when I approach Love itself! I need more ‘out-of-this-world’ expectations when I come to you!
I may be failing to reach my unattainable standards. But whose standard am I going to live to aspire to? It’s ok to not reach their standards if You say so…Rid me of any false guilt.
Ok…I’m ending of real :)… Latest song-in-the-making….
I’m not sure whether you thought of it this way
I’d hate it though if this is how it’s gonna stay.
I was never meant to be born in a world that’s about me.
Sky was never meant to stay grey once the rain has come and gone.
Kids were never meant to suck thumbs for lack of food and falling crumbs.
He walked in, the passage cleared; the people sneered.
We wished him well and waved goodbye. He’s just gone.
He walked in, the passage filled; the people filed.
We shook his hand; didn’t let him stand. He’s just gone.
I was never meant to be born in a world that’s about me.
Sky was never meant to stay grey once the rain has come and gone.
Kids were never meant to suck thumbs for lack of food and falling crumbs.
Time is running and we wont catch up
While we’re loving our lives there are people
Who are pleading and screaming and needing
Someone to speak up, to speak up!
Coz they cannot speak for themselves…
They cannot speak for themselves.
Somehow I’m embracing the feeling of being left alone and forgotten on a Saturday night…and I’m enjoying it. Not just in a melancholic “I’m in alone on a Saturday way”…but in an honest enjoyment. xD Just the feeling of having nobody running after me; no schedule tying me back…just time to read, write, chat to my cousins online whilst the house is quiet.
'It’s as if it weren’t me… a few months ago...a few days ago.
Someone else. Living a better life – with better friends, better moments, better figures and better quality. And now I’m just here at the side watching as it swishes past. Do I know anything other than sitting in the wings of the curtains working on props and backstage worries? Is it a good thing to live to make others shine like stars? (5-11-09)'
I journalled this a couple of days ago…excuse the depth and length but hey just in case you have nothing else to do on a Saturday night!
I don’t get it.. if God gave me my dreams, my thoughts and my talents…then all my dreams should take place…it’s like why would He give me dreams of something He doesn’t want me to do? And I’m not talking about things I simply want or look at and suddenly wish for. I’m talking about those dreams that ring in my ears day after day…those hopes and plans that I must so often surrender.
They must happen one day…He must want for them to happen if He gave me them and gives me them over and over so often.
“We do not want you to become lazy but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised.” Hebrews 6:!2
Little side note: I want to find a theory as to why I’m claustrophobic…I think it may have something to do with childbirth to be quite honest xD
Clinging to the cross is playing in the background…sometimes when you have nothing else to depend on…God-things become so much real-er don’t you think?
Sometimes I feel I’m living in fear…fear of being known.
Is it because I’m scared of new things?
The aim was to become more like You God,
More like I want to become.
I’m not a nice person
I don’t bring love TO people and the good OUT of people.
I simply condemn, fail, accuse and let down.
I’m simply not a loving person.
There’s so much I need to be healed from;
Too much that I lack…
I’m scared to rock the boat.
I don’t like change or disagreement.
Differences, they get to me…
Quarrels for some reason I can’t point out, petrify me.
I keep the peace I’m sacred to make.
I can’t live as a keeper if that’s not the way
My maker wants me.
So let’s make peace firstly with myself…
It bugs me that I break, it bugs me that I’m not super human
It bugs me that it’s hard to depend on people,
It bugs me that in the world’s eyes these precious vulnerable moments are hated,
It bugs me that I want to be in control, that I live for just me, that it’s hard to surrender,
That I feel weak, that fear and helplessness can paralyze me,
that analysis doesn’t always lead to solutions,
and solutions aren’t always what I want!
It bugs me that tears wont flow and
It’s difficult to make peace though I know…
I need that peace of mind that only God can offer me!
Help me forgive myself? Grace me with the abandonment and surrender I long to give you?
Help me trust all I need to? Be bold as much as I wish to?
It hurt…when I felt used.
It hurt… when they didn’t understand
When I expected them too.
It hurt…when they didn’t give me what I needed.
See? Wrong mentalities! I’m doing it all for me!
This life. That’s why I’m doing it. Change me! Save me!
“He said that this was what He was coming to do – to bring freedom, healing, forgiveness, restoration then and now.”
My coping strategies keep failing yet I refuse to go to Jesus first!
“I stand at the door and knock…to come in and share a meal with you.” ( Rev. 3:20)
It’s hard to confess a thought such as this, but sometimes I’m scared of being boring. I have a fear of being unwanted… rejected if I’m not solid. Why do You want to come in? Yet why am I believing the lies that I’m unlovable?
*I’m skipping parts…it’s a way too long entry…xD after a lot more rambling I felt totally freed…*
Freed from worries of the future
Freed from thoughts that say I’ll be alone and unhappy; without a purpose.
Music’s singing out violently. Battles are raging…My freedom! You won it and have given it to me.
…You listen when I speak…you’re trying to show me You care. I shouldn’t expect to be ignored when I approach Love itself! I need more ‘out-of-this-world’ expectations when I come to you!
I may be failing to reach my unattainable standards. But whose standard am I going to live to aspire to? It’s ok to not reach their standards if You say so…Rid me of any false guilt.
Ok…I’m ending of real :)… Latest song-in-the-making….
I’m not sure whether you thought of it this way
I’d hate it though if this is how it’s gonna stay.
I was never meant to be born in a world that’s about me.
Sky was never meant to stay grey once the rain has come and gone.
Kids were never meant to suck thumbs for lack of food and falling crumbs.
He walked in, the passage cleared; the people sneered.
We wished him well and waved goodbye. He’s just gone.
He walked in, the passage filled; the people filed.
We shook his hand; didn’t let him stand. He’s just gone.
I was never meant to be born in a world that’s about me.
Sky was never meant to stay grey once the rain has come and gone.
Kids were never meant to suck thumbs for lack of food and falling crumbs.
Time is running and we wont catch up
While we’re loving our lives there are people
Who are pleading and screaming and needing
Someone to speak up, to speak up!
Coz they cannot speak for themselves…
They cannot speak for themselves.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
If I'm patient in the wind...
I stopped to think about life…all the meaningless things we strive for…all the things that pass so fast; that slip right through our very own fingertips after we’ve held onto them for so long; given so much for them all this time. Everything can disappear in the flick of a finger...What am I holding onto? What am I believing?
Who am I? What do I want from God? What am I carrying with me?
All I am is a tangled web of confusion – thoughts, questions and feelings…
A lost, wondering soul…
Will you come and show me who You are?
My doubts; my uncertainties; Your faith; Your courage; a deeper trust.
I’ll sing a new song to You God,
A song of how great You are even through these foggy days where everything’s uncertain
I’ll sing of how compassionate and loving You are,
And I’ll just trust during the days I don’t feel that.
I believe You have a plan
even if I have to wander around a few more years…
I’ll believe You exist and care for me
even if I have to shed a couple of tears.
I’ll sing a new song; I’ll stick close to You,
till You satisfy my thirst; till You become the one and only answer of my questions.
I’ll sing because You’re looking at me even now in love; choosing to make Yourself known to a humanity like ours.
And thank You…for You can handle all my doubts, fears and songs.
A few weeks ago, when my head was still in this confused state I thought I’d do something on the abnormal side for an autumn/winter night.
I walked upstairs to the roof and stood outside looking at Valletta, with the wind blowing my hair, and making me cling to my jumper as thought it were something precious I didn’t want to lose rather than an old ‘inside-jumper’. The view was a bit hazy. I couldn’t see clearly with the wind, rain, mist and fog.
Perhaps my future’s the same…
Bright and promising but not revealed just yet. Maybe I have to wait for the sun to rise in the morning to see the beauty ahead.
So I simply prayed that as I’m patient in the wind, God would be with me…So I won’t have to budge; I can just gently sway in His arms because I honestly believe my days belong to Him.
“Remember!” I hear the word ringing in my ears...But...There are so many things to remember…apart from names of body parts, plant structures, chemical equations, routines, relationships and floating music notes.
What about all those suffering, alone…out in the cold; or boiling hot – squashed and claustrophobic? Unknown, unheard of, misunderstood. What about them? Those nobody makes a film about, those nobody sings a song to, those nobody writes a book for? Do they belong to You to? And will they ever know it if I sit here another night?
And if we don’t remember what He did for us how can we tell anyone what He can do for them? Wake up! *Mental Note: That’s another thing to remember.*
So tonight as I went through my mental to-do-list, it began to rain – and the rain taught me something. To be very honest I’m not even sure what it taught me. But…it’s raining. Raining drops of heavenly hope…new beginnings… burdens dripping off along with the dirt that weighed me down. Perhaps with the rain God’s pouring out blessings onto me now too. Refreshing. The stress fizzles out when it’s put into the light of eternity. I feel as though I’m standing outside, soaking wet, in a new different sort of love; a new different sort of freedom.
So for all those whose night was ruined due to the rain, my sincerest apologies.
*on a lighter note:
– My room’s taking shape
- Tower of pebbles has been stuck to wardrobe (you have to see it to believe how cool it is)
- The red piano is great
- Hours of playing piano everyday can do funny things to your emotions.
Good, Bad? I Can’t decide.
- God has a funny sense of humour. But He’s enough and He loves me and understands me. =)
- I’ve cried in 3 movies this week as opposed to rarely every crying in a movie.
- Songwriting is almost turning into music writing lately…exciting things ahead xD
- I dreamt of an orchestra of electric guitars…One day I’ll write a real orchestral work into different electric guitar parts and it will sound good like it did in my dream.
- ‘Everlasting’ is being used on TV weekly -> www.youtube.com/knisjamalta
-If you think nobody remembered you you're wrong...I'm writing this for you!xD ...whoever you may be!
- I love Yanica very much despite my absence this evening.*
Who am I? What do I want from God? What am I carrying with me?
All I am is a tangled web of confusion – thoughts, questions and feelings…
A lost, wondering soul…
Will you come and show me who You are?
My doubts; my uncertainties; Your faith; Your courage; a deeper trust.
I’ll sing a new song to You God,
A song of how great You are even through these foggy days where everything’s uncertain
I’ll sing of how compassionate and loving You are,
And I’ll just trust during the days I don’t feel that.
I believe You have a plan
even if I have to wander around a few more years…
I’ll believe You exist and care for me
even if I have to shed a couple of tears.
I’ll sing a new song; I’ll stick close to You,
till You satisfy my thirst; till You become the one and only answer of my questions.
I’ll sing because You’re looking at me even now in love; choosing to make Yourself known to a humanity like ours.
And thank You…for You can handle all my doubts, fears and songs.
A few weeks ago, when my head was still in this confused state I thought I’d do something on the abnormal side for an autumn/winter night.
I walked upstairs to the roof and stood outside looking at Valletta, with the wind blowing my hair, and making me cling to my jumper as thought it were something precious I didn’t want to lose rather than an old ‘inside-jumper’. The view was a bit hazy. I couldn’t see clearly with the wind, rain, mist and fog.
Perhaps my future’s the same…
Bright and promising but not revealed just yet. Maybe I have to wait for the sun to rise in the morning to see the beauty ahead.
So I simply prayed that as I’m patient in the wind, God would be with me…So I won’t have to budge; I can just gently sway in His arms because I honestly believe my days belong to Him.
“Remember!” I hear the word ringing in my ears...But...There are so many things to remember…apart from names of body parts, plant structures, chemical equations, routines, relationships and floating music notes.
What about all those suffering, alone…out in the cold; or boiling hot – squashed and claustrophobic? Unknown, unheard of, misunderstood. What about them? Those nobody makes a film about, those nobody sings a song to, those nobody writes a book for? Do they belong to You to? And will they ever know it if I sit here another night?
And if we don’t remember what He did for us how can we tell anyone what He can do for them? Wake up! *Mental Note: That’s another thing to remember.*
So tonight as I went through my mental to-do-list, it began to rain – and the rain taught me something. To be very honest I’m not even sure what it taught me. But…it’s raining. Raining drops of heavenly hope…new beginnings… burdens dripping off along with the dirt that weighed me down. Perhaps with the rain God’s pouring out blessings onto me now too. Refreshing. The stress fizzles out when it’s put into the light of eternity. I feel as though I’m standing outside, soaking wet, in a new different sort of love; a new different sort of freedom.
So for all those whose night was ruined due to the rain, my sincerest apologies.
*on a lighter note:
– My room’s taking shape
- Tower of pebbles has been stuck to wardrobe (you have to see it to believe how cool it is)
- The red piano is great
- Hours of playing piano everyday can do funny things to your emotions.
Good, Bad? I Can’t decide.
- God has a funny sense of humour. But He’s enough and He loves me and understands me. =)
- I’ve cried in 3 movies this week as opposed to rarely every crying in a movie.
- Songwriting is almost turning into music writing lately…exciting things ahead xD
- I dreamt of an orchestra of electric guitars…One day I’ll write a real orchestral work into different electric guitar parts and it will sound good like it did in my dream.
- ‘Everlasting’ is being used on TV weekly -> www.youtube.com/knisjamalta
-If you think nobody remembered you you're wrong...I'm writing this for you!xD ...whoever you may be!
- I love Yanica very much despite my absence this evening.*
Sunday, September 6, 2009
If my Nanna could read blogs...
I’m sitting here on the laptop, with a gentle breeze making it cool enough for me to enjoy a mug of tea, trying to think of my earliest memory of my nanna (Grandmother).
I had been meaning to write a letter to her for over a year now. Perhaps I never got down to it because I simply procrastinated but I think a more accurate reason for the time wasted is a fear of not managing to put to words everything I wanted to say and express. But i decided to give it a try anyway!
There’s a photo somewhere of her holding me, when I was a fragile baby just a few days old, at our flat in Msida... and it made me think. It made me think of all the things she did for the whole family that went unnoticed; the things she sacrificed and gave up to keep the peace; the time she invested in baking, cooking, sewing and knitting just to make a person or two feel loved; and the many moments she lived, both lovely and difficult, that went by without being photographed in this same idealistic way.
I realised there are so many things I love about her yet so few times I let her know about them.
I love it when she says stories about the past, in a ‘let-me-share-and-teach-you-what-I’ve-been-through’ way rather than in a‘it-was-such-a-better-time’ way. Honestly, i enjoy hearing about how she used to escape to the shelter with her siblings when they heard the sounds of German bombers. Or how her jaw-dropping voice was discovered when she was singing at home with her sister. And even how she gave up singing in Operas to be with my nannu (who decided he wanted to marry her as soon as he saw her!). These, along with the many other stories she frequently tells, will always be remembered and will somehow always manage to bring a smile to my face.
*Second mug of tea is now joining me xD*
Many times when I come back from Bidnija or Xemxija I think about what was said at our crazy family gatherings that day. There’s so much I learn about everyone by just sitting and observing – and I honestly think it’s one of the best passtimes ever!
There’s so much more I learnt about Nanna apart from how well she can bake and cook (mmm who doesn’t love her cakes, her ‘ross il-forn’, her cookies and her pies?!).
I learnt that Nanna can be the hero when someone needs comfort, the compassionate one when someone to cry with is needed and the encourager who shouts praises and blows trumpets for all to hear when someone’s down! You can be sure that if you’ve achieved or done something that you want everyone to know about, telling Nanna is the wisest thing to do! And that’s why we love her...be honest! We think she’s great and we love it when she laughs, we love it when she sings while she cooks, and we love it when she asks us ‘to be an angel’.
I appreciate the fact that she takes interest in the little things that go on in my life. She knows about the friends I have, the things I’m studying, the shows I’m taking part in, the piano pieces I’m playing and the songs that I’m writing! *fuzzy feeling inside because I feel really loved and lucky* Many Nanna’s are sweet and interested but tend to forget things but my Nanna remembers every little detail and notices even when I buy a new dress or bag and quickly compliments, easily making my day!
Some people think their Nannas are close-minded or not understanding, but something I love about my Nanna is that she’s ready to pour out her love to anyone that comes her way (and by that I mean she’s ready to feed you, sit with you, eat with you, chat with you and perhaps even play a game of scrabble with you– what more could you ask for? =D)
Not only is she very open minded but she’s even up for a bit of harmless vandalism every now and again. Who could resist writing their initials on the bathroom door of the oldest restaurant in Europe on their 80th birthday? (That will forever be the funniest moment we’ll remember!)
Just a few days ago she told me to be careful with the internet; to be careful with what I expose to the whole world on Facebook, blogs and MSN conversations *yes she’s that updated! xD* and I guess I could be going against her wishes by posting this but I just want to show how I appreciate her!
Nanna, if there’s one thing I’d like to tell you with this letter/blog, it’s that you are truly inspirational and a huge part of my life (and I believe all my cousins, aunts and uncles would strongly agree). Thank you for loving us all even when nobody appreciates or sees all the hard work you put into everything! Thank you for being fair with us all! Thank you for continuing to love us even if you do not agree with everything we do!
So be encouraged! You’re impacting a lot of lives! I hope you can go back to this when you’re having a bad day and allow it to cheer you up!
Going back to the photo I mentioned in the beginning, I think this quote seems to sum it all up!
“Grandmas hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our hearts forever.”
*************************************************
Just to add some fun to the blog...here’s what some people think about Nannas and some fun quotes about them!
* They both spoil me and may worry needlessly about the stuff I do but I love them to bits!!
* They're amazing :) make great chocolate cakes and r so much fun to spend time with!
*A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of the television.
*If your baby is "beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time," you're the grandma.
-- Teresa Bloomingdale
*My grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world. And after two or three hours with them, I believe it, too ~ Gene Perret
*What a bargain grandchildren are! I give them my loose change, and they give me a million dollars' worth of pleasure ~ Gene Perret
**************************************************
Now i’m seriously ending this...(of real!)
“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels not demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us form the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39
I had been meaning to write a letter to her for over a year now. Perhaps I never got down to it because I simply procrastinated but I think a more accurate reason for the time wasted is a fear of not managing to put to words everything I wanted to say and express. But i decided to give it a try anyway!
There’s a photo somewhere of her holding me, when I was a fragile baby just a few days old, at our flat in Msida... and it made me think. It made me think of all the things she did for the whole family that went unnoticed; the things she sacrificed and gave up to keep the peace; the time she invested in baking, cooking, sewing and knitting just to make a person or two feel loved; and the many moments she lived, both lovely and difficult, that went by without being photographed in this same idealistic way.
I realised there are so many things I love about her yet so few times I let her know about them.
I love it when she says stories about the past, in a ‘let-me-share-and-teach-you-what-I’ve-been-through’ way rather than in a‘it-was-such-a-better-time’ way. Honestly, i enjoy hearing about how she used to escape to the shelter with her siblings when they heard the sounds of German bombers. Or how her jaw-dropping voice was discovered when she was singing at home with her sister. And even how she gave up singing in Operas to be with my nannu (who decided he wanted to marry her as soon as he saw her!). These, along with the many other stories she frequently tells, will always be remembered and will somehow always manage to bring a smile to my face.
*Second mug of tea is now joining me xD*
Many times when I come back from Bidnija or Xemxija I think about what was said at our crazy family gatherings that day. There’s so much I learn about everyone by just sitting and observing – and I honestly think it’s one of the best passtimes ever!
There’s so much more I learnt about Nanna apart from how well she can bake and cook (mmm who doesn’t love her cakes, her ‘ross il-forn’, her cookies and her pies?!).
I learnt that Nanna can be the hero when someone needs comfort, the compassionate one when someone to cry with is needed and the encourager who shouts praises and blows trumpets for all to hear when someone’s down! You can be sure that if you’ve achieved or done something that you want everyone to know about, telling Nanna is the wisest thing to do! And that’s why we love her...be honest! We think she’s great and we love it when she laughs, we love it when she sings while she cooks, and we love it when she asks us ‘to be an angel’.
I appreciate the fact that she takes interest in the little things that go on in my life. She knows about the friends I have, the things I’m studying, the shows I’m taking part in, the piano pieces I’m playing and the songs that I’m writing! *fuzzy feeling inside because I feel really loved and lucky* Many Nanna’s are sweet and interested but tend to forget things but my Nanna remembers every little detail and notices even when I buy a new dress or bag and quickly compliments, easily making my day!
Some people think their Nannas are close-minded or not understanding, but something I love about my Nanna is that she’s ready to pour out her love to anyone that comes her way (and by that I mean she’s ready to feed you, sit with you, eat with you, chat with you and perhaps even play a game of scrabble with you– what more could you ask for? =D)
Not only is she very open minded but she’s even up for a bit of harmless vandalism every now and again. Who could resist writing their initials on the bathroom door of the oldest restaurant in Europe on their 80th birthday? (That will forever be the funniest moment we’ll remember!)
Just a few days ago she told me to be careful with the internet; to be careful with what I expose to the whole world on Facebook, blogs and MSN conversations *yes she’s that updated! xD* and I guess I could be going against her wishes by posting this but I just want to show how I appreciate her!
Nanna, if there’s one thing I’d like to tell you with this letter/blog, it’s that you are truly inspirational and a huge part of my life (and I believe all my cousins, aunts and uncles would strongly agree). Thank you for loving us all even when nobody appreciates or sees all the hard work you put into everything! Thank you for being fair with us all! Thank you for continuing to love us even if you do not agree with everything we do!
So be encouraged! You’re impacting a lot of lives! I hope you can go back to this when you’re having a bad day and allow it to cheer you up!
Going back to the photo I mentioned in the beginning, I think this quote seems to sum it all up!
“Grandmas hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our hearts forever.”
*************************************************
Just to add some fun to the blog...here’s what some people think about Nannas and some fun quotes about them!
* They both spoil me and may worry needlessly about the stuff I do but I love them to bits!!
* They're amazing :) make great chocolate cakes and r so much fun to spend time with!
*A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of the television.
*If your baby is "beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time," you're the grandma.
-- Teresa Bloomingdale
*My grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world. And after two or three hours with them, I believe it, too ~ Gene Perret
*What a bargain grandchildren are! I give them my loose change, and they give me a million dollars' worth of pleasure ~ Gene Perret
**************************************************
Now i’m seriously ending this...(of real!)
“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels not demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us form the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
If August could come back around...
Sadly I've realised I've let August go by without blogging :(...Perhaps it was due to the fact that so much went on and I had so many thoughts it was hard to stop and share...but I'm promising a blog in the near future xD
For achie...
perhaps for myself too..
:)
For achie...
perhaps for myself too..
:)
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
If what is down in the well will come up in the bucket...
I've waited so long for this perfect setting - a quiet dark house, a gentle sea breeze, a pretty view of lights reflecting on the water and the stars in the sky, and soft,relaxed music playing in the background, (an apple in my hands xD) - so now that this moment has arrived i couldn't help but attempt blogging out some of my thoughts!
So i've been on this crazy roller coaster ride this past month thinking about my future and all that...(hmmm you may all be dreading me goin on about my life and dilemmas but who knows...someone out there might relate to something)...It's been a mix between chasing my dreams no matter what and thinking logically; doing God's will and just going for what seems to be my easy way out...Continuing to persevere or giving up what seems pointless...
The other day i was on the bus and the Bidnija feilds inspired me to write this...
"It's not about becoming famous or earning as much as I can...
It's not even about reaching my full "intelligent" potential...
Somehow it has to be all about You and Your will...
About furthering your kingdom and making Your glory increase
whilst forgetting my own.
It's about making an impact,
being in the right place at the right time...
all about changing lives slowly but surely.
Can i do that? Show me how..."
So i haven't reached any conclusions but I'm keeping all my options open and I;m goin to attempt trying my hardest in my A's whether I have to go in for medicine, pharmacy, a songwriting school, a classical music school or a gap year doing some other random thing!
Another of my laments lately sounded like this.... *awaiting some emo comments from Paul and brooks but hey i think i;ll live xD*
I need you to understand that nobody understands...
everything has changed..
things are always changing and there's no such thing
as a perfect past or a future too dull...
On another note...xD lately i;ve been reading and thinking about words...the power they have to break people, build people, heal or cheer, put down or encourage, kill or bring to life...etc. I mean how long do words linger in someone's heart? How far can kind words take someone?
I've been wondering why we would never carelessly fling a lit match out of a car window while passng a forest and yet many times we carelessly chuck fiery words as we pass through life.
Some quotes that got me thinking were these....
How many people stop because so few say "Go"!
A word is dead when it is said, some say. I say it just begins to live that day.
Words- so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become, in the hands of one who knows how to combine them!
Ok so this is getting extremely long but if you have any energy in you left give this a read...now or later is fine with me xD...it's sort of dedicated to my D-group and may be a bit vague to people who don't really know me but hey:
I can so clearly remember thinking about what first made me move away from people and not trust...And when I did recall it my D-group where all there listening, asking questions and showing love.
After I explained my situation with my mother, family and friends with alot of tears and sniffling, I looked up to see many of the girls listening, also in tears or hunched positions on Nikky's big bed. Then she said the phrase that's still ringing in my ears to this day, with watery eyes... "I'm hurting with you. I'm feeling your pain and what you explained."
They've stuck...her words, full of sensitivity and compassion stuck with me...they still mean so much to me. That someone would try and succeed at feeling what I felt. Perhaps it's true...there's no better thing to say than "I'm hurting with you."
World...I know you've been through so much...So much I can't fathom...So much I'm sure I'll never understand, feel or even witness...but I'm hurting with you!
When nobody sees what's going on and there's way too much piled up...i want to be hurting with you...I'm trying to feel your pain and enter your world!
And thinking about it...my God did that too...He came down to earth and went through what we did so that he could say those all important words..."I'm hurting with You."
"World, I'm hurting with you!"
So i've been on this crazy roller coaster ride this past month thinking about my future and all that...(hmmm you may all be dreading me goin on about my life and dilemmas but who knows...someone out there might relate to something)...It's been a mix between chasing my dreams no matter what and thinking logically; doing God's will and just going for what seems to be my easy way out...Continuing to persevere or giving up what seems pointless...
The other day i was on the bus and the Bidnija feilds inspired me to write this...
"It's not about becoming famous or earning as much as I can...
It's not even about reaching my full "intelligent" potential...
Somehow it has to be all about You and Your will...
About furthering your kingdom and making Your glory increase
whilst forgetting my own.
It's about making an impact,
being in the right place at the right time...
all about changing lives slowly but surely.
Can i do that? Show me how..."
So i haven't reached any conclusions but I'm keeping all my options open and I;m goin to attempt trying my hardest in my A's whether I have to go in for medicine, pharmacy, a songwriting school, a classical music school or a gap year doing some other random thing!
Another of my laments lately sounded like this.... *awaiting some emo comments from Paul and brooks but hey i think i;ll live xD*
I need you to understand that nobody understands...
everything has changed..
things are always changing and there's no such thing
as a perfect past or a future too dull...
On another note...xD lately i;ve been reading and thinking about words...the power they have to break people, build people, heal or cheer, put down or encourage, kill or bring to life...etc. I mean how long do words linger in someone's heart? How far can kind words take someone?
I've been wondering why we would never carelessly fling a lit match out of a car window while passng a forest and yet many times we carelessly chuck fiery words as we pass through life.
Some quotes that got me thinking were these....
How many people stop because so few say "Go"!
A word is dead when it is said, some say. I say it just begins to live that day.
Words- so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become, in the hands of one who knows how to combine them!
Ok so this is getting extremely long but if you have any energy in you left give this a read...now or later is fine with me xD...it's sort of dedicated to my D-group and may be a bit vague to people who don't really know me but hey:
I can so clearly remember thinking about what first made me move away from people and not trust...And when I did recall it my D-group where all there listening, asking questions and showing love.
After I explained my situation with my mother, family and friends with alot of tears and sniffling, I looked up to see many of the girls listening, also in tears or hunched positions on Nikky's big bed. Then she said the phrase that's still ringing in my ears to this day, with watery eyes... "I'm hurting with you. I'm feeling your pain and what you explained."
They've stuck...her words, full of sensitivity and compassion stuck with me...they still mean so much to me. That someone would try and succeed at feeling what I felt. Perhaps it's true...there's no better thing to say than "I'm hurting with you."
World...I know you've been through so much...So much I can't fathom...So much I'm sure I'll never understand, feel or even witness...but I'm hurting with you!
When nobody sees what's going on and there's way too much piled up...i want to be hurting with you...I'm trying to feel your pain and enter your world!
And thinking about it...my God did that too...He came down to earth and went through what we did so that he could say those all important words..."I'm hurting with You."
"World, I'm hurting with you!"
Monday, June 29, 2009
If you need topics to think about....
This should only take me about two minutes to type..here we go xD...some quotes from around...
- Do not be afraid; keep on speaking, do not be silent. For I am with you and no one is going to attack and harm you because I have many people in this city. (Acts 18: 9-10)
- I want to be a rebel with a holy cause
- The irony of masks is that although we wear them to make other people think well of us, they are drawn to us only when we take them off.
- You can only be loved to the extent that you are known. You can only be completely loved if you are completely known.
- Knowing and loving people is like riding a bicycle. Too much looking down to see how one is doing and whether the machinery is working properly means that one will lose balance and fall off.The thing to do is look where one wants to go and then go! It is better to go hard on a fualty bike than to sit looking at oneself on a perfect one.
- The final stage in any human relationship is the moment when words become an actual hindrance to communication. They get in the way beacuse they cannot express what one wants to express. Only silence can do that. It is not an empty silence but a silence charged with rich meaning like a thundercloud heavy with rain.
- Do not be afraid; keep on speaking, do not be silent. For I am with you and no one is going to attack and harm you because I have many people in this city. (Acts 18: 9-10)
- I want to be a rebel with a holy cause
- The irony of masks is that although we wear them to make other people think well of us, they are drawn to us only when we take them off.
- You can only be loved to the extent that you are known. You can only be completely loved if you are completely known.
- Knowing and loving people is like riding a bicycle. Too much looking down to see how one is doing and whether the machinery is working properly means that one will lose balance and fall off.The thing to do is look where one wants to go and then go! It is better to go hard on a fualty bike than to sit looking at oneself on a perfect one.
- The final stage in any human relationship is the moment when words become an actual hindrance to communication. They get in the way beacuse they cannot express what one wants to express. Only silence can do that. It is not an empty silence but a silence charged with rich meaning like a thundercloud heavy with rain.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
If it...
It’s so easy to get caught up in my own world of happy families, cheery relationships, and good intentions.
Easier still to forget everyone else out there; their wounded worlds, fragile friendships and damaged deeds.
So easy to boil some pasta, toast some bread, write a song, poem or good lyric but it’s easier still to believe black is non-existent in this colourful place.
Yet times like these I forget any good in the world and the blackness seems to reign.
People’s hurts seem to be staining my heart; scarring my trail of thoughts.
I know that I should know this world is black more often than not, and rarely full of only the good and pleasurable but I still can’t understand why things are the other way around – for some and not others.
It’s not fair to be happy. It’s not fair for bad things to happen. So what is fair?
Why do lives start out great but end tragically? Who can understand why some sail through beautiful oceans whilst others struggle to simply stay afloat?... Why some snails are stepped on while others are avoided? Can anyone find fair reasoning to life?
What on earth did I ever do…to deserve my house, my family and my lifestyle?
Perhaps my life’s one performance. A performance of a sad, slow, pensive piece of music. A piece of music that can make some cry and others smile; smiles and tears that can change lives –perhaps ruin others. Who’s going to be clapping for me when I’m done? At the end of my poor performance who will remain sitting faithfully with eyes full of love and a heart full of hope? Won’t they all realise my vulnerability? Won’t my ungrateful, hating attitude be evident enough for all to abandon me?
Will I say “Thank You Very much” or run and hide my face in a scrap of material?
Try picture this… Standing there in a white dress, in the middle of a circle, with rays of light shining and purity singing out. Yet, from every direction the blackness is slowly creeping in. Someone dies – the dress has black paint on its fringes. A sharp word is said – dirt is flung onto it. Someone leaves – a tear appears. Once abandoned – more black paint. Twice abandoned – more dirt. As time goes by, it creeps in… slowly yet surely. The purity slowly ruined; the blackness seemingly taking over. Sitting there weeping doesn’t bother the darkness; the crying doesn’t clean the dirt. It gradually entangles itself into, onto, over and under the pure whiteness…until.. it’s all gone. No more white. Just black. Engulfed. Entangled. And static. A black web – of confusion, thoughts, prayers and misunderstandings.
What if that’s where we’re all heading for? It just happens at different times to different people. Perhaps we’re all heading to a state of total helplessness. The only place of complete surrender – because we have no other choice.
It suddenly gets comfortable. A realization sets in, that loneliness was a lie. Distractions invade – entertainment readily presents itself. It’s too easy to get lost in it. I’d like to think that suddenly, from the dark, dirty place a sudden bright light appears and all of a sudden the reverse takes place…the glorious white takes over the black and all reaches perfection once again.
But… it stays black. Scars are carried; thoughts linger. And this is the hope! Look! That’s all that’s left to do! Eyes soon open to realize what’s being done! The black; the dirt – they’re simply tools. Tools that are carried around day after day. Simply remembering about them may bring pain but using them makes the weight of carrying them around all worth it.
Lord, as my heart breaks for those I cannot help, may you be their comfort. If you can comfort them, then can you bring peace to my heart? Can you show me where and how I can do more? Will you give me a compassionate heart? One that’s sensitive to those around me and to those I cannot see. Let me not become oblivious to the millions of screams I hear everyday. And…Lord if all I can do is pray…may you make me more committed to intercession. To praying for those you love that are being mistreated! Break me. Mould me. Change me………help me
Easier still to forget everyone else out there; their wounded worlds, fragile friendships and damaged deeds.
So easy to boil some pasta, toast some bread, write a song, poem or good lyric but it’s easier still to believe black is non-existent in this colourful place.
Yet times like these I forget any good in the world and the blackness seems to reign.
People’s hurts seem to be staining my heart; scarring my trail of thoughts.
I know that I should know this world is black more often than not, and rarely full of only the good and pleasurable but I still can’t understand why things are the other way around – for some and not others.
It’s not fair to be happy. It’s not fair for bad things to happen. So what is fair?
Why do lives start out great but end tragically? Who can understand why some sail through beautiful oceans whilst others struggle to simply stay afloat?... Why some snails are stepped on while others are avoided? Can anyone find fair reasoning to life?
What on earth did I ever do…to deserve my house, my family and my lifestyle?
Perhaps my life’s one performance. A performance of a sad, slow, pensive piece of music. A piece of music that can make some cry and others smile; smiles and tears that can change lives –perhaps ruin others. Who’s going to be clapping for me when I’m done? At the end of my poor performance who will remain sitting faithfully with eyes full of love and a heart full of hope? Won’t they all realise my vulnerability? Won’t my ungrateful, hating attitude be evident enough for all to abandon me?
Will I say “Thank You Very much” or run and hide my face in a scrap of material?
Try picture this… Standing there in a white dress, in the middle of a circle, with rays of light shining and purity singing out. Yet, from every direction the blackness is slowly creeping in. Someone dies – the dress has black paint on its fringes. A sharp word is said – dirt is flung onto it. Someone leaves – a tear appears. Once abandoned – more black paint. Twice abandoned – more dirt. As time goes by, it creeps in… slowly yet surely. The purity slowly ruined; the blackness seemingly taking over. Sitting there weeping doesn’t bother the darkness; the crying doesn’t clean the dirt. It gradually entangles itself into, onto, over and under the pure whiteness…until.. it’s all gone. No more white. Just black. Engulfed. Entangled. And static. A black web – of confusion, thoughts, prayers and misunderstandings.
What if that’s where we’re all heading for? It just happens at different times to different people. Perhaps we’re all heading to a state of total helplessness. The only place of complete surrender – because we have no other choice.
It suddenly gets comfortable. A realization sets in, that loneliness was a lie. Distractions invade – entertainment readily presents itself. It’s too easy to get lost in it. I’d like to think that suddenly, from the dark, dirty place a sudden bright light appears and all of a sudden the reverse takes place…the glorious white takes over the black and all reaches perfection once again.
But… it stays black. Scars are carried; thoughts linger. And this is the hope! Look! That’s all that’s left to do! Eyes soon open to realize what’s being done! The black; the dirt – they’re simply tools. Tools that are carried around day after day. Simply remembering about them may bring pain but using them makes the weight of carrying them around all worth it.
Lord, as my heart breaks for those I cannot help, may you be their comfort. If you can comfort them, then can you bring peace to my heart? Can you show me where and how I can do more? Will you give me a compassionate heart? One that’s sensitive to those around me and to those I cannot see. Let me not become oblivious to the millions of screams I hear everyday. And…Lord if all I can do is pray…may you make me more committed to intercession. To praying for those you love that are being mistreated! Break me. Mould me. Change me………help me
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
If Behind The Scenes were exposed...
If you’ve ever taken part in a production such as a Soiree, or a musical, or a play or in my case a ballet show, you’d know about the hustle and bustle taking place behind the scenes. The smells of costumes and musty changing rooms; the sounds of excited chatter and people warming up; the fast pace in which everyone’s getting ready and doing themselves up to go out on the stage and be in the spotlight. After days of rehearsals, and hours of run-throughs all that matters are those few minutes, of performing on stage. They zoom past without allowing too much to sink in. As soon as you’re out on stage, time flies and it’s all over and you find yourself at another cast party or dinner, reminiscing about all the rehearsals you previously complained about.
I think our lives are a big stage (I know…talk about cheesy metaphor right?). So much goes on behind the scenes that it’s hard to say someone fully knows us. Think about it. If the audience would have seen the dress-rehearsal of any show they would be shocked. They’re usually horrendous in comparison to the real show (my, a day can make such a difference!) If they knew how many swear words were flung; how many times the same props were taken in and out; and the amount of tears that went into it they’d be gobsmacked…perhaps disgusted. I believe many of us treat our lives the same way. We long to tell people “If only you could know what’s really going on behind the scenes…behind this performance…this mask…you’d be horrified and never come back.” Even though we might not be hiding, there still is that lack of someone who has been through all the things we have to fully understand what goes on in our “Behind-the-Scenes”.
All the hard work that goes into performances may even go overlooked as it is performed perfectly on the night of the show. How we wish sometimes for people to acknowledge our effort and hard work. We long for encouragement after days of trying to pray more and be more patient for example, but sometimes nobody recognizes just how much time we’re putting into helping others, or how many painful memories we’re trying to get rid of just to forgive. It all goes unappreciated.
Other times we’re just glad we can keep those shameful bloopers to ourselves. But it’s a huge relief to know…That there’s someone who has been to every rehearsal; has seen every mistake; has watched every re-run and imperfect dress-rehearsal; was there when our costumes and masks got ruined…and still chooses to be a part of this long performance, also known as our life. God actually wants to be a part of our lives even after seeing every thing we’ve been through and everything we’ve done. It’s because of this that He can truly understand us to our deepest beings.
I promise if I had more time I’d write forever about this topic because performances and recitals, and God and life are favourite topics of mine…but I guess studies don’t permit and I should go continue. So…Blessings to all! Break a leg! Make history with your lives and show others you appreciate them! Don’t be scared to dig deep and invest time in getting to know someone!
*My inspiration came from this song..i put together a simple video with photos of past performances just for the fun of it!Enjoy!*
I think our lives are a big stage (I know…talk about cheesy metaphor right?). So much goes on behind the scenes that it’s hard to say someone fully knows us. Think about it. If the audience would have seen the dress-rehearsal of any show they would be shocked. They’re usually horrendous in comparison to the real show (my, a day can make such a difference!) If they knew how many swear words were flung; how many times the same props were taken in and out; and the amount of tears that went into it they’d be gobsmacked…perhaps disgusted. I believe many of us treat our lives the same way. We long to tell people “If only you could know what’s really going on behind the scenes…behind this performance…this mask…you’d be horrified and never come back.” Even though we might not be hiding, there still is that lack of someone who has been through all the things we have to fully understand what goes on in our “Behind-the-Scenes”.
All the hard work that goes into performances may even go overlooked as it is performed perfectly on the night of the show. How we wish sometimes for people to acknowledge our effort and hard work. We long for encouragement after days of trying to pray more and be more patient for example, but sometimes nobody recognizes just how much time we’re putting into helping others, or how many painful memories we’re trying to get rid of just to forgive. It all goes unappreciated.
Other times we’re just glad we can keep those shameful bloopers to ourselves. But it’s a huge relief to know…That there’s someone who has been to every rehearsal; has seen every mistake; has watched every re-run and imperfect dress-rehearsal; was there when our costumes and masks got ruined…and still chooses to be a part of this long performance, also known as our life. God actually wants to be a part of our lives even after seeing every thing we’ve been through and everything we’ve done. It’s because of this that He can truly understand us to our deepest beings.
I promise if I had more time I’d write forever about this topic because performances and recitals, and God and life are favourite topics of mine…but I guess studies don’t permit and I should go continue. So…Blessings to all! Break a leg! Make history with your lives and show others you appreciate them! Don’t be scared to dig deep and invest time in getting to know someone!
*My inspiration came from this song..i put together a simple video with photos of past performances just for the fun of it!Enjoy!*
Monday, June 1, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
If I stand here lifting empty hands...
"I'm so grateful that the thing i can't escape is You!"
=) Great lyric...!
Why is it whenever i feel like thinking, so many things come up..studies, friends, outings...So many things start coming between me and God, and me and sorting out my own head...I wondered a couple of weeks ago...xD..nd i can't say i've found the answer ( u knw wat?..this time i'm not even goin to apologize for the random unorganised-ness of my blog, i'm just going to enjoy it..=) )
Misunderstood: lack of someone who understands; incorrectly interpretted.
"There is no worse lie than a truth misunderstood by those who hear it."
Understood: to perceive and comprehend the nature and significance/ to know thoroughly by close contact and long experience with..
I go to God every night to find peace of mind in the fact that someone out there understands me...knows me because of "close contact" with me...WoW!
Wow because the person who knows me inside out is the King of the Universe...and Almighty God! I'm blessed =)
This world's not about me or myself being understood..it's about giving glory to Him whether i'm understood or not...i want to make Him understood with my life, actions and words!
He defines me; He gives me worth; He restores me.
"In this world you will have trouble but take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
Last point...which i learnt from Facebook.
Everyone changes their status in preparation for a massive night ahead...And so I'm going to join them...
in being ready for a huge night ahead of me...a night where God is going to do things to blow my mind away! This is His night and I know Hiw plans are beyond imagination..(even if we have to learn about the fruit in the long long long run)
My heart's empty and thristing
My soul is tired and expectant
Perhaps this is my time in between
but He's here with me and
Here it is He wants me to be...
I feel like an athlete warming up...
Itching to start my sprint
And reach the goal ahead of me!
I don't have to agree with the world...and I was never meant to. My actions should stand out to be full of love and humility...but how can I ever be all that?
How can i enter the presence of God? How can i ask Him to fill me? I am 100% not worthy..Yet...the same power that conquered the grave is living in me and tonight...
the love that rescued the earth will come to live in me again.....
=) *smiley-sigh*
=) Great lyric...!
Why is it whenever i feel like thinking, so many things come up..studies, friends, outings...So many things start coming between me and God, and me and sorting out my own head...I wondered a couple of weeks ago...xD..nd i can't say i've found the answer ( u knw wat?..this time i'm not even goin to apologize for the random unorganised-ness of my blog, i'm just going to enjoy it..=) )
Misunderstood: lack of someone who understands; incorrectly interpretted.
"There is no worse lie than a truth misunderstood by those who hear it."
Understood: to perceive and comprehend the nature and significance/ to know thoroughly by close contact and long experience with..
I go to God every night to find peace of mind in the fact that someone out there understands me...knows me because of "close contact" with me...WoW!
Wow because the person who knows me inside out is the King of the Universe...and Almighty God! I'm blessed =)
This world's not about me or myself being understood..it's about giving glory to Him whether i'm understood or not...i want to make Him understood with my life, actions and words!
He defines me; He gives me worth; He restores me.
"In this world you will have trouble but take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
Last point...which i learnt from Facebook.
Everyone changes their status in preparation for a massive night ahead...And so I'm going to join them...
in being ready for a huge night ahead of me...a night where God is going to do things to blow my mind away! This is His night and I know Hiw plans are beyond imagination..(even if we have to learn about the fruit in the long long long run)
My heart's empty and thristing
My soul is tired and expectant
Perhaps this is my time in between
but He's here with me and
Here it is He wants me to be...
I feel like an athlete warming up...
Itching to start my sprint
And reach the goal ahead of me!
I don't have to agree with the world...and I was never meant to. My actions should stand out to be full of love and humility...but how can I ever be all that?
How can i enter the presence of God? How can i ask Him to fill me? I am 100% not worthy..Yet...the same power that conquered the grave is living in me and tonight...
the love that rescued the earth will come to live in me again.....
=) *smiley-sigh*
Friday, May 22, 2009
If ne one has anymore ideas...
Had to list all my distractions of the morning xD..enjoy
- read all my 16th birthday cards and they made me cry
- looked through all my old photo albums and they made me laugh
- Couldn't get further than one face on a rubix cube!
- tried on all my dresses and liked none
- actually watched lanf's videos! *now dats sad!*
-entertained myself by reading the ingredients of a face cream
- fixed the backboard of my bed
-ate rucola for the first time..*im not sure if it was bleh or not*
hah i wonder what my aftrenoon and night of studying will look like at this rate...
- read all my 16th birthday cards and they made me cry
- looked through all my old photo albums and they made me laugh
- Couldn't get further than one face on a rubix cube!
- tried on all my dresses and liked none
- actually watched lanf's videos! *now dats sad!*
-entertained myself by reading the ingredients of a face cream
- fixed the backboard of my bed
-ate rucola for the first time..*im not sure if it was bleh or not*
hah i wonder what my aftrenoon and night of studying will look like at this rate...
Thursday, May 21, 2009
If mina doesn't have copyright.. xD
i was thinking of doing a mina-style blog...promising to get back to real, me-style bloggin in 2 weeks time..so keep your eyes peeled! xD
woke up
cereal
call form achie
ran up the hill
double bio
happybday bev
busybee
long walk to uni
studied
walked home for lunch
back to uni
studied some more
walked to jers car
drove to jones
waited in car to avoid being too early or too late *lol* xD
2 hrs of jones private lessons
home
couscous
back to my study
attempting to study but being distracted by blogging...
hey presto that was my day!! xD twas a gd one while it lasted =P
blessings to u all..2 weeeks aaaaaaaaaaaa gleee
p.s. i hav finished this day with a less pencil and ruler xD
woke up
cereal
call form achie
ran up the hill
double bio
happybday bev
busybee
long walk to uni
studied
walked home for lunch
back to uni
studied some more
walked to jers car
drove to jones
waited in car to avoid being too early or too late *lol* xD
2 hrs of jones private lessons
home
couscous
back to my study
attempting to study but being distracted by blogging...
hey presto that was my day!! xD twas a gd one while it lasted =P
blessings to u all..2 weeeks aaaaaaaaaaaa gleee
p.s. i hav finished this day with a less pencil and ruler xD
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
Sunday, May 3, 2009
If all days could be so pensive I'd write a book...xD
So Achie asked me to blog somewhere, sometime today..and I guess i'm easily influenced and couldn't resist blogging after such a pensive day.
However it's not gonna be a typical me blog..you see my thoughts are still too unorganised to add up to a decent blog...but i will just leave you with a few of the things that were on my mind today...and i might elaborate on these topics some other time.
First of all something i wrote a few days ago which you can all interpret for yourselves because i don't think i should explain it just yet:
"It took a stupid incident like that to make me realize my Holy Lord and God still lives and still reigns over this world that seems lost... and over my life that seems aimless.
It took a hurt to draw me back closer; a misunderstanding to make me dive deeper into knowledge, truth and understanding. "
Secondly....today i was searchin for song-writing schools and one of the questions this certain school asked their musicians was.."What is your favourite word?"...nd i thought about it and have decided mine is....*drumroll*
EXUBERANT
Dictionary: ex•u•ber•ant
1. Full of unrestrained enthusiasm or joy.
2. Lavish; extravagant.
3. Extreme in degree, size, or extent.
4. Growing, producing, or produced abundantly; plentiful: “Threads of her exuberant hair showed up at the bottom of the sink” (Anne Tyler). See synonyms at profuse.
Again..this is to be further explained another time xD....coz this leads to my third trail of thought of the day....I want to go to a music school..take a gap year perhaps...go to come song-writing school..or sumting of the sort...do something out of the ordinary u knw?...But after thinking about it...I concluded if God wants me to go to uni then i'll go..and if i'm meant to take a gap year or not go to uni at all...then let that happen! =)
And finally xD
Pain?...why aren’t we grateful for it?...Why don’t we expect to feel it?
Those were Bettina's thoughts of the day...enjoy thinking about them!
This song's actually rly good if you'd care to give it a listen =)...it's God-centered...lately all the songs are "ME/I" centered..and im sick of them..
(hah another thought and i wasn't even aware of it)
Blessings!
However it's not gonna be a typical me blog..you see my thoughts are still too unorganised to add up to a decent blog...but i will just leave you with a few of the things that were on my mind today...and i might elaborate on these topics some other time.
First of all something i wrote a few days ago which you can all interpret for yourselves because i don't think i should explain it just yet:
"It took a stupid incident like that to make me realize my Holy Lord and God still lives and still reigns over this world that seems lost... and over my life that seems aimless.
It took a hurt to draw me back closer; a misunderstanding to make me dive deeper into knowledge, truth and understanding. "
Secondly....today i was searchin for song-writing schools and one of the questions this certain school asked their musicians was.."What is your favourite word?"...nd i thought about it and have decided mine is....*drumroll*
EXUBERANT
Dictionary: ex•u•ber•ant
1. Full of unrestrained enthusiasm or joy.
2. Lavish; extravagant.
3. Extreme in degree, size, or extent.
4. Growing, producing, or produced abundantly; plentiful: “Threads of her exuberant hair showed up at the bottom of the sink” (Anne Tyler). See synonyms at profuse.
Again..this is to be further explained another time xD....coz this leads to my third trail of thought of the day....I want to go to a music school..take a gap year perhaps...go to come song-writing school..or sumting of the sort...do something out of the ordinary u knw?...But after thinking about it...I concluded if God wants me to go to uni then i'll go..and if i'm meant to take a gap year or not go to uni at all...then let that happen! =)
And finally xD
Pain?...why aren’t we grateful for it?...Why don’t we expect to feel it?
Those were Bettina's thoughts of the day...enjoy thinking about them!
This song's actually rly good if you'd care to give it a listen =)...it's God-centered...lately all the songs are "ME/I" centered..and im sick of them..
(hah another thought and i wasn't even aware of it)
Blessings!
Monday, April 13, 2009
If i were at the centre of it...
Not expecting any of you to read right through this in one go...but wen ur tired of studying come read some more...xD these are a couple of the thoughts i've had in the past month..nd i thought i'd share...
4-3-09
I will pull closer; the winds won’t cause me to drift away…
The stress won’t wear my strength out…for I have no strength
But I can do all things through the strength
Of the God living within me!
“God our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble.
We will not fear, though the earth gives way
And the mountains fall into the heart of the sea…
God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
He lifts his voice; the earth melts.” Ps. 46:1-3, 5-6
Will I work off my thoughts…?
Or busy my day? So that not one minute is left for Your input?
Will distractions forever bombard me like a hailstorm?
Little things still pinch my heart. Grown up but broken down.
I’m not allowed to melt….
The hard shell exterior is for some reason
Still wanted by the dying, deteriorating world.
Your love is more beautiful than ever; It can satisfy.
You remain a mighty storm in my frailest days…
Even though emotions can be brittle, breakable flowers,
And feelings are presented in bright colours,
Hiding truths and lessons in dull shadows.
I want to know You. I want to make my heart right;
To get my self-worth firmly grounded into a reservoir of Your acceptance.
Form my character; don’t left it be put in the world’s cookie-cutter;
I want to boldly stand out! I don’t want to be formed by a worldly form.
I don’t want to stand out as the one who has it all but as the one
Who received it all from the One who gives it all!
As I crumble, I cry, I need your love if I’m expected to give any!
I need your grace; your boldness; your honesty and Your willingness to sacrifice!
I’m going to be still, to stop and know that You are God…
In an empty house; a maddening life and a busy schedule…
This silence reminds me You’re near…
This peace assures me Your strength will never leave me!
16-03-09
Lord, You thought of even me…You think of even me!
You gave all to me; for me..
And I have nothing to offer back!
Nothing can I give Lord…but a broken heart
And a couple of tears…
Some hours of work and a bit of my time…
Take my feelings of helplessness…
Make something good of my messes and stupid moves.
My stupid motives and fixations…
All the lies I’ve chosen to believe…
Please free me form them all!
In you I find perfect love…
And perfect love drives out all fear!
19-03-09
There’s a heaviness in my soul..
A cry that no one has yet heard of…
A sadness for this world that fades..
Without knowing the truth.
Tears from an unborn child or dying patient
That have gone unheard for so long…
People have shut out so many truths…
To believe things that lead them to dark, lonely places.
They’ve become oblivious to Your sacrifice.
We live thinking we have conqoured the world..
We fall believing we’ll never get back up…
Your offering gets pushed aside.
Your gift of grace and forgiveness is greater than life
But we still choose to live life without it!
I’m not sure how much I can do…
I can’t explain myself let alone who You are!
I’m helpless and afraid but I give You full control.
I want to do this not because there is no other option…
But because You are my best option!
....................................................................................
I get these feelings of inferiority every time…
May I face them…deal with them…and overcome them
With the strength of my God!
My soul is not complete in being the best or being perfect…only in You.
Not in creating the most beautiful symphonies or writing the best lyrics…only in You.
Not in reaching the top; knowing the most or being in charge…only in You.
Not in perfecting my face, my body, my health or my clothes…only in You.
I won’t be loved more or loved less If I was ideal; a hero; perfect.
I’m loved AS IS…by the King of the Universe…the King of my soul and my world!
So this is it…my feelings on display…
For all to see…and to know they are not alone
And you are the one who can help them overcome.
It’s all for your glory!
21-03-09
It’s a bit overwhelming
Yet there’s nothing I could want more
To pass on what I’ve learned
And to have people embrace it.
24-03-09
It’s funny or maybe just predictable…
It’s all unseen and the only thing one can do is assume…
It’s all been worked on before but it was secretly suffered…
Diving into the unknown of success or failure…
With the “will it help?” question unanswered.
The ones who caused it applaud it…
The tears turn to smiles and polite “Thank You’s”
…and I’m not even sure that’s a good thing....
25-03-09
Like smoke I’m blown away by the wind
Like wax before the fire I melt…
26-03-09
I wish I could put words to my wondering
Tunes to my thoughts…
27-03-09
We try to elevate ourselves by putting others down…
But at the end of the day people will think highly of us
When we lift others up…not when we put them down!
28-03-09
Misunderstood..
Leading to frustration..
Leading to actions that are unthought-of and unplanned; unwanted…
Actions leading to hurts and hurts to fights…
Leading to more eruptions all dwindling further and further and further from the root.
But what is the root of the problem?
Is there one specific thing we can point the blame at?
Or is it a web of intertwined lives, conversations and circumstances…
Words that injure come from the injured
Words full of love come from the ones who know they are loved…
I could take everything that happened in life and blame it on something in the past…
And I could go back and even further back…
But will I ever get anywhere?
Or does it all start the day we were born?
When our imperfect selves entered the world…
Help me to forgive…not to blame.
To continue loving…not to pay back.
To do good…not to blow up.
.....................................................................
When I wonder where the ears that care seem to be,
I sometimes find myself walking lonely through a maze…
Simply searching solitarily…
And I could search forever because I’m never to be fully understood.
Nobody’s been through the exact things I have…
So nobody’s character was formed the way mine has…
So nobody can fully understand me.
I’m constantly changing…
Sometimes I can’t even catch up with myself let alone…
But…God…Lord…You understand…don’t you?
29-3-09
Why do we think putting people down lifts us up?
Makes us higher? ...When in fact it’s the opposite!
When we put others down they think of us more lowly…
When we encourage and lift others up they think more highly of us…
So what’s fooled us?
Into thinking being the best; the highest…will make us happiest?
You were right…who is first comes last…
And who’s is last will come first.
Give me faith for the rocky times…
To hold on and remain trusting You can lead me
And see me through!
I want to return home…
To a place I feel comfortable, safe and understood…
I want to runaway from anything that pushes me out of my comfort zone…
I wish simplicity would reign sometimes in the world
But this attitude can’t be right…
“Yet I am poor and needy; come quickly to me, o God.
You are my help and my deliverer o Lord, do not delay.” Ps. 70:5
31-3-09
Sometimes I feel like I’m screaming silently
Wondering I’m left…waiting; wallowing
Helpless I remain hoping haphazardly
My life seems to lack order and a plan
Directions are sometime accepted but
More often than not pushed off…
I claim I don’t like being told what to do…
But some days deciding for myself is the hardest.
Tick me off the list world…
My ideas are finished…my originality has run dry…
God’s my only inspiration…and motivation
Tick me off the list…
You don’t need to waste your time on me
You’ve done enough good deeds for the week…
I’ll survive alone with my Jesus.
2-04-09
You got me from silent dark places
To brighter ones…
I don’t know how you got me through the harder years…
And I’m not sure if I’ve grown up or toughened up…
And which is best?
Did my heart mature or grow cold?
As I lie here in the dark tonight I feel your peace
Coz I know you’re in control even though
I’m not certain as to where I’m going…
But I can’t help remember the nights I spent
Hurting, crying, alone and misunderstood by the world…
How’d that happen?
To someone who seemed to have such a perfect life from the outside…I wonder…
Maybe it’s coz we’re all the same…
Maybe we all cry and get ticked off lists after all.
There are so many things battling inside me…
There’s a war going on and my soul’s screaming
Being pushed and pulled and torn apart!
My head’s spinning as I try to make heads and tails
Of what exactly is going on!
Is this the distress you saved me from?
As comments, words, people and the past
Swirl around my mind…
I’m the one left with the decision…
What to keep and what to leave behind!
Don’t go…stay with me here…
Surround me anew with the comfort
I once so well knew!
So many things led to my conversion…
It’s not even funny how I spent months on little sleep…
Making sure I played the part of a peaceful resting child every night
As my parents would walk in to check if all was alright…
So many things built it up…
So many brought it down!
Everything is so clear once again…
It’s like I’m reliving those moments
Of hiding and fear of my family and friends!
I offer my prayers tonight for anyone
Feeling this way at the moment!
Take away there pain!
5-4-09
I wish I could spend days walking; thinking;
Running; praying; escaping into wide open spaces.
A breath of fresh air; a beam of sunlight;
A flowery scent; a song of a bird…
Something brightens up my day…
Something urges me to hold on and run on.
I’m going to live loud; give me your enthusiasm!
With your power, love and energy I will reach out!
I’m not living for pleasure for myself…
I’m living to serve You and others…
In the most extravagant way possible
Make me bold; hold my heart; take my emotions.
Give me your peace…your love…and a passion
For more of You!
You are my freedom; You are my rest!
“I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.
When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
At night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted.
I thought about the former days,
The years of long ago;
I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart mused and my spirit inquired.” Ps.77:1-2,6
They should all know if they long to do something or be someone
They should get down to it now!
Don’t wait for tomorrow…don’t wait for the perfect person to arrive
And make you better…
Go to God and get down to it now!
Don’t think when you’ve found the perfect
Friend, relative or partner then you’ll work on being happy
And content and enthusiastic about your life!
Seize the moment…
before you live to regret it!
6-04-09
“May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, my rock and my redeemer!” Ps.19:14
9-4-09
I want an undivided heart...
To be one-track minded…
To stay with you here tonight…
Just to be…
Just to receive…
Just to give you my full attention…
I just want to stay…here with You forever
Stay…here in Your arms where I’m safe…
Where all my worthless feelings
Are scared away by the knowledge
Of your love that drives it all away.
My heart is whole when it’s in You!
May I be at the centre of Your will for me.
4-3-09
I will pull closer; the winds won’t cause me to drift away…
The stress won’t wear my strength out…for I have no strength
But I can do all things through the strength
Of the God living within me!
“God our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble.
We will not fear, though the earth gives way
And the mountains fall into the heart of the sea…
God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
He lifts his voice; the earth melts.” Ps. 46:1-3, 5-6
Will I work off my thoughts…?
Or busy my day? So that not one minute is left for Your input?
Will distractions forever bombard me like a hailstorm?
Little things still pinch my heart. Grown up but broken down.
I’m not allowed to melt….
The hard shell exterior is for some reason
Still wanted by the dying, deteriorating world.
Your love is more beautiful than ever; It can satisfy.
You remain a mighty storm in my frailest days…
Even though emotions can be brittle, breakable flowers,
And feelings are presented in bright colours,
Hiding truths and lessons in dull shadows.
I want to know You. I want to make my heart right;
To get my self-worth firmly grounded into a reservoir of Your acceptance.
Form my character; don’t left it be put in the world’s cookie-cutter;
I want to boldly stand out! I don’t want to be formed by a worldly form.
I don’t want to stand out as the one who has it all but as the one
Who received it all from the One who gives it all!
As I crumble, I cry, I need your love if I’m expected to give any!
I need your grace; your boldness; your honesty and Your willingness to sacrifice!
I’m going to be still, to stop and know that You are God…
In an empty house; a maddening life and a busy schedule…
This silence reminds me You’re near…
This peace assures me Your strength will never leave me!
16-03-09
Lord, You thought of even me…You think of even me!
You gave all to me; for me..
And I have nothing to offer back!
Nothing can I give Lord…but a broken heart
And a couple of tears…
Some hours of work and a bit of my time…
Take my feelings of helplessness…
Make something good of my messes and stupid moves.
My stupid motives and fixations…
All the lies I’ve chosen to believe…
Please free me form them all!
In you I find perfect love…
And perfect love drives out all fear!
19-03-09
There’s a heaviness in my soul..
A cry that no one has yet heard of…
A sadness for this world that fades..
Without knowing the truth.
Tears from an unborn child or dying patient
That have gone unheard for so long…
People have shut out so many truths…
To believe things that lead them to dark, lonely places.
They’ve become oblivious to Your sacrifice.
We live thinking we have conqoured the world..
We fall believing we’ll never get back up…
Your offering gets pushed aside.
Your gift of grace and forgiveness is greater than life
But we still choose to live life without it!
I’m not sure how much I can do…
I can’t explain myself let alone who You are!
I’m helpless and afraid but I give You full control.
I want to do this not because there is no other option…
But because You are my best option!
....................................................................................
I get these feelings of inferiority every time…
May I face them…deal with them…and overcome them
With the strength of my God!
My soul is not complete in being the best or being perfect…only in You.
Not in creating the most beautiful symphonies or writing the best lyrics…only in You.
Not in reaching the top; knowing the most or being in charge…only in You.
Not in perfecting my face, my body, my health or my clothes…only in You.
I won’t be loved more or loved less If I was ideal; a hero; perfect.
I’m loved AS IS…by the King of the Universe…the King of my soul and my world!
So this is it…my feelings on display…
For all to see…and to know they are not alone
And you are the one who can help them overcome.
It’s all for your glory!
21-03-09
It’s a bit overwhelming
Yet there’s nothing I could want more
To pass on what I’ve learned
And to have people embrace it.
24-03-09
It’s funny or maybe just predictable…
It’s all unseen and the only thing one can do is assume…
It’s all been worked on before but it was secretly suffered…
Diving into the unknown of success or failure…
With the “will it help?” question unanswered.
The ones who caused it applaud it…
The tears turn to smiles and polite “Thank You’s”
…and I’m not even sure that’s a good thing....
25-03-09
Like smoke I’m blown away by the wind
Like wax before the fire I melt…
26-03-09
I wish I could put words to my wondering
Tunes to my thoughts…
27-03-09
We try to elevate ourselves by putting others down…
But at the end of the day people will think highly of us
When we lift others up…not when we put them down!
28-03-09
Misunderstood..
Leading to frustration..
Leading to actions that are unthought-of and unplanned; unwanted…
Actions leading to hurts and hurts to fights…
Leading to more eruptions all dwindling further and further and further from the root.
But what is the root of the problem?
Is there one specific thing we can point the blame at?
Or is it a web of intertwined lives, conversations and circumstances…
Words that injure come from the injured
Words full of love come from the ones who know they are loved…
I could take everything that happened in life and blame it on something in the past…
And I could go back and even further back…
But will I ever get anywhere?
Or does it all start the day we were born?
When our imperfect selves entered the world…
Help me to forgive…not to blame.
To continue loving…not to pay back.
To do good…not to blow up.
.....................................................................
When I wonder where the ears that care seem to be,
I sometimes find myself walking lonely through a maze…
Simply searching solitarily…
And I could search forever because I’m never to be fully understood.
Nobody’s been through the exact things I have…
So nobody’s character was formed the way mine has…
So nobody can fully understand me.
I’m constantly changing…
Sometimes I can’t even catch up with myself let alone…
But…God…Lord…You understand…don’t you?
29-3-09
Why do we think putting people down lifts us up?
Makes us higher? ...When in fact it’s the opposite!
When we put others down they think of us more lowly…
When we encourage and lift others up they think more highly of us…
So what’s fooled us?
Into thinking being the best; the highest…will make us happiest?
You were right…who is first comes last…
And who’s is last will come first.
Give me faith for the rocky times…
To hold on and remain trusting You can lead me
And see me through!
I want to return home…
To a place I feel comfortable, safe and understood…
I want to runaway from anything that pushes me out of my comfort zone…
I wish simplicity would reign sometimes in the world
But this attitude can’t be right…
“Yet I am poor and needy; come quickly to me, o God.
You are my help and my deliverer o Lord, do not delay.” Ps. 70:5
31-3-09
Sometimes I feel like I’m screaming silently
Wondering I’m left…waiting; wallowing
Helpless I remain hoping haphazardly
My life seems to lack order and a plan
Directions are sometime accepted but
More often than not pushed off…
I claim I don’t like being told what to do…
But some days deciding for myself is the hardest.
Tick me off the list world…
My ideas are finished…my originality has run dry…
God’s my only inspiration…and motivation
Tick me off the list…
You don’t need to waste your time on me
You’ve done enough good deeds for the week…
I’ll survive alone with my Jesus.
2-04-09
You got me from silent dark places
To brighter ones…
I don’t know how you got me through the harder years…
And I’m not sure if I’ve grown up or toughened up…
And which is best?
Did my heart mature or grow cold?
As I lie here in the dark tonight I feel your peace
Coz I know you’re in control even though
I’m not certain as to where I’m going…
But I can’t help remember the nights I spent
Hurting, crying, alone and misunderstood by the world…
How’d that happen?
To someone who seemed to have such a perfect life from the outside…I wonder…
Maybe it’s coz we’re all the same…
Maybe we all cry and get ticked off lists after all.
There are so many things battling inside me…
There’s a war going on and my soul’s screaming
Being pushed and pulled and torn apart!
My head’s spinning as I try to make heads and tails
Of what exactly is going on!
Is this the distress you saved me from?
As comments, words, people and the past
Swirl around my mind…
I’m the one left with the decision…
What to keep and what to leave behind!
Don’t go…stay with me here…
Surround me anew with the comfort
I once so well knew!
So many things led to my conversion…
It’s not even funny how I spent months on little sleep…
Making sure I played the part of a peaceful resting child every night
As my parents would walk in to check if all was alright…
So many things built it up…
So many brought it down!
Everything is so clear once again…
It’s like I’m reliving those moments
Of hiding and fear of my family and friends!
I offer my prayers tonight for anyone
Feeling this way at the moment!
Take away there pain!
5-4-09
I wish I could spend days walking; thinking;
Running; praying; escaping into wide open spaces.
A breath of fresh air; a beam of sunlight;
A flowery scent; a song of a bird…
Something brightens up my day…
Something urges me to hold on and run on.
I’m going to live loud; give me your enthusiasm!
With your power, love and energy I will reach out!
I’m not living for pleasure for myself…
I’m living to serve You and others…
In the most extravagant way possible
Make me bold; hold my heart; take my emotions.
Give me your peace…your love…and a passion
For more of You!
You are my freedom; You are my rest!
“I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.
When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
At night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted.
I thought about the former days,
The years of long ago;
I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart mused and my spirit inquired.” Ps.77:1-2,6
They should all know if they long to do something or be someone
They should get down to it now!
Don’t wait for tomorrow…don’t wait for the perfect person to arrive
And make you better…
Go to God and get down to it now!
Don’t think when you’ve found the perfect
Friend, relative or partner then you’ll work on being happy
And content and enthusiastic about your life!
Seize the moment…
before you live to regret it!
6-04-09
“May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, my rock and my redeemer!” Ps.19:14
9-4-09
I want an undivided heart...
To be one-track minded…
To stay with you here tonight…
Just to be…
Just to receive…
Just to give you my full attention…
I just want to stay…here with You forever
Stay…here in Your arms where I’m safe…
Where all my worthless feelings
Are scared away by the knowledge
Of your love that drives it all away.
My heart is whole when it’s in You!
May I be at the centre of Your will for me.
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